Choke
by minn's.star
Summary: "Come on, you need someone and so do I. We can work something out..." -and maybe it was the vodka speaking for the flushed and disheveled Finn, but Berwald just wasn't a good enough person to say no. SuFin, Gauken AU, M for smut and dark themes.
1. Chapter 1

Choke

He was beautiful. He was so, so beautiful. He was absolutely lovely.

Berwald couldn't help but notice him, walking down the hallway as though it were a runway or _something worthy of that much grace._ The delicate sway of his hips further drew him to watch the pretty little thing pass him, and it wasn't his fault that he couldn't help but watch that perfectly rounded ass shift with every step. The Swede found himself staring long after the angel of a being turned the corner.

That angel was Tino Vainamoinen, also known as Berwald Oxenstierna's wet dream. And also probably the wet dream of about every other person in this damn institution. Berwald knew he was wasting his time chasing after him. Every moan in the shower, jacking off to the image of Tino on his knees, asking to _touch him,_ suck him off with that pretty perfect mouth- it was all wasted breath. He knew it, he knew that, but he continued to do it anyway. Maybe he was a masochist.

The warning bell for first period rang and Berwald knew that he should probably get to class, but fuck he was tired, aching a little, and he really didn't feel like dealing with Mathias today. Today seemed like a good day to cut class, anyway. It wasn't like Berwald was a kid that cut classes frequently, but sometimes everyone did. It wasn't like anyone would really notice he was gone. In addition to that Mathias was currently thoroughly convinced that Berwald had looked at Nikolai (the Dane's boyfriend) the wrong way it would be best to at least miss first period.

Little did he know that this hastily made decision would be the catalyst for the rest of his life.

* * *

><p>Hello Everyone~ This is my first entry here, and honestly it just came out of no where and hit me like a ton of bricks. This part is short just because I needed to get it out there so that I actually write this and not just forget about it and give up before I start. Anyway, if you didn't pick up on it this is a SuFin fanfiction. Don't like, don't read.<p>

The setting for this is a boarding school (I feel like it was kind of unclear here, but it should hopefully be more evident later) and it is rated M for a reason. It's going to be relatively tame for some chapters, but the direction that it's going does involve smut and darker themes. I suggest you stop reading if self-harm really offends you *hint*. By the way, thats where the horror comes in. No ghosties here ^^;

There is other parings in here, one-sided and couples. So far, in addition to SwedenXFinland, I have:

DenNor

Poliet

One-Sided Russia wanting Finland

One-Sided Estonia wanting Finland

So, if you did read all the way down here and might continue reading, please review~ It would really make my day, and give me a little motivation to keeps updates quick.


	2. Chapter 2

The courtyard was thick with silence. Dew still clung to blades of grass and the air was still chilled; it caused some goose bumps to rise up on the Swedish male's bare fore-arms. He breathed in and ended up choking on the smoke from the rebel-kids that were probably out here smoking only minutes earlier. He hated smoke. It was fairly disgusting, and he wasn't sure what the bad-ass trio or bad-touch trio or whatever they were calling themselves these days insisted on taking a drag every morning. Really though, it wasn't his problem; let their lungs rot. There would be a few less dumb-fucks in the world to put up with.

Struggling to choke back a yawn, Berwald rubbed his eyes sleepily. Vice principal Gerhard* had been thinking about making the day start later- it was with good reason. The Swede struggled to think of one person at the school that actually enjoyed hauling their ass out of bed at five thirty. Though getting off at one was nice, it wasn't worth the agony of prying one's self from a warm bed to take a luke-warm shower and sit at a cold desk.

Eventually two students that _may have_ been able to stand the brutal schedule came to mind. One was Mathias. Berwald doubted that the Dane slept much. He probably stayed up most of the night molesting his poor, sleeping boyfriend. The Swedish male wondered why in the world Nikolai stayed with that maniac. He was loud, brash, annoying, felt Nikolai up every two seconds in public and did way more in private (it wasn't hard for Berwald to see the limp in the Norwegian's steps). The only things that he could think of were one, Nikolai was a saint or something akin to one, or two, the boy was somehow attracted to the way Mathias was. Or maybe he was a masochist. Maybe Mathias was actually good at sex. Maybe it was a strange combination of all of the above, and Berwald was just thinking way too hard now.

Stopping before any more disturbing images came to mind, he thought of a certain Ivan Braginski next. That boy probably rarely ever slept. Ivan was a violent, maniacal psychopath (or maybe a sociopath, Berwald could never tell) that happened to be the star of the school hockey team. Ivan was an exchange student directly from Moscow, Russia. When he first arrived at the school Berwald knew right off the bat that there was something wrong with him, it was in his smile. Apparently though, other's first impressions of him were that he was a charming, strong, attractive young man. He may have even been called promising. So Berwald stayed silent, through every brutally hard check in those hockey games (those kids usually ended up with concussions) and even when he finally attacked another student. That kid ended up in the ER. And so, after those incidents, all of Ivan's so-called promise had left him, only leaving behind that same, twisted and strange smile.

Berwald did call it.

Back to the earlier topic of sleep, he highly doubted that Ivan slept much. He probably spent his night stalking- _visiting, as he said_- his dear friends, aka the three unluckiest students in the school. Berwald wouldn't put it past him to touch them in their sleep. Well, all of them except for that Lorinaitus boy. That boyfriend of his would probably scratch Ivan's eyes out with those perfectly manicured nails of his.

Continuing his walk away from the smoke now, Berwald thought about his bond with his classmates. He didn't have friends, and he couldn't say he was really even acquaintances with any of them. Hell, Mathias was probably the closest thing he had to a companion and he hated that boy with a passion. Still though, Berwald wasn't oblivious to his peers. He was just the observer, and that was all and that was that. But sometimes he wished he could do more than just observe Tino Vainamoinen.

Okay, that was a lie. He always wished he could do more than just observe the Finnish boy. He wanted to touch him, or kiss him, or even just talk to him- anything to get just a little bit closer. As much as he berated himself for how pathetic it all sounded, it didn't feel pathetic. It just hurt. He would jump at anything to relieve that hurt, that emptiness.

Anything was about to slap him in the face. He first realized he was no longer the only one in the courtyard when he heard a soft giggling from up ahead where the benches were. Startled, he turned quickly to see who had joined him- and he got the surprise of his life when he saw it was exactly who he had been wishing to see face to face since he got here.

Tino.

Tino was sitting right in front of where he stood.

It seemed to take the Finn a moment to realize that Berwald was there, and when he did he sat up a little, slowly and wobbly, looking up at the other boy. The collar of his shirt was falling off one shoulder and a thick, black, choker drew his attention to the perfectly shaped collar-bones below.

"Moi~." He almost sang, slowly and dragged out, swinging his legs back and forth. He held a bottle of vodka in one hand and used the other to steady himself, smiling at the other. Berwald realized that the silence was because the other was waiting for him to respond.

"Hej." Berwald responded. It was a struggle to get his mouth to open and produce the sound. His speech felt slow and labored, as though he hadn't spoken in a very long time. Come to think of it, he probably hadn't.

Tino just giggled. "Mm, I've seen you before. Berwald, right?"

"Ja." He responded, then quickly corrected himself and changed back to english "Y's. 'M B'rwald." Dammit English was harder than Swedish.

"Hn… It's nice to finally meet you." Tino almost cooed (probably from the alcohol), eyes glazed over. "I've seen you around for a long time…"

"Th't so?" Berwald inquired, trying to keep this conversation flowing. He wanted it to last as long as it could.

"Mmhm~ Yep I have. And you've seen me, too. Haven't you?"

"Ah, y's…"

"I know you have~ Don't try and lie to me, you're always looking at me…"

Shit. He wasn't as discrete as he had thought he was. Berwald mentally slapped himself, feeling a little nauseous. Tino, however, just giggled a little. "You're cute when you're nervous."

Berwald swallowed. How the fuck was he supposed to respond to that? Tino just smiled and took another long swig of vodka, scooting over on the bench a little and patting the now open spot for Berwald to come and sit. Who was he to refuse?

"Hn… so Berwald. Do you like me?"

Berwald's heart stopped.

Fuck. FUCK. What was he supposed to do with this? _No, Tino, actually I am obsessed with you so you should just let me take you and ravage you; don't worry I promise I'll be good to you it's not like I'm a sadist or anything, just a horrible pervert._ Yeah. That would go over well.

"You do don't you?"

Berwald just nodded weakly. There wasn't much else he could think to do. Another smile from his companion. "Well, that's good. Because then… Maybe you could do me a favor."

Fuck off, maybe? Berwald wouldn't be shocked if that was the favor.

"I don't like being alone, Berwald. So maybe you could keep me company." Tino said, words sounding syrupy.

The Swede's first thought was to wonder if he was hearing this right. His second was that this sounded like a really bad porno. His third was that Tino was drunk off of his ass, and Berwald should be the better man here and do something to help him. That meant not taking advantage of this, even if he kind of wanted to.

"I'd make it worth your while… Just, you know, be with me…"

"T'no… Ya' should r'lly g't s'me rest." He suggested gently. Tino grabbed his arm quickly now.

"Don't-" He hiccupped and swayed a little. How much had he drank? "Don't brush me off like this… I know you're always alone- and so am I… We don't have to do this. We- we could fix this…" He swayed more now, and he would have fallen if Berwald hadn't caught him.

"Come on…" He murmured more weakly now, limp in the Swede's grip.

"'M takin' ya' t' th' n'rse's 'ffice." Berwald explained almost gently, scooping the smaller male into his arms and cradling him. He could feel him breathe, shake. It really reminded him how fragile people could be. How fragile they were. How fragile he was.

"But Berwald. Listen to me. Come on, you need someone and so do I. We can work something out…" Maybe it was the vodka speaking for the flushed and disheveled Finn, but Berwald just wasn't a good enough person to say no.

"…'Kay." He finally complied, staring down at the other, resolve broken.

Tino smiled a little before he slumped a little more, about halfway to the nurse's suite, and it occurred to Berwald that he had fainted.

Really, how much alcohol could Tino have drank, and what had Berwald just gotten himself into?

* * *

><p>*My name for Germania<p>

Author's note: Hei~! Quick Update. Thank you for the reviews and adds, I really appreciate it / I'm easily pleased. Anyway, a word on this chapter:

Yes, Tino is drunk. Very, very, drunk. He won't be acting like a cheap whore forever, I promise. I hear that Finns drink a lot of vodka, but they are usually violent drunk. I took some creative liberties, here. Sorry 'bout that one, it was needed though.


	3. Chapter 3

By the time Berwald arrived at the nurse's office it was already half-way through second period. It would take far longer for Tino to finally come-to.

It wasn't hard to get past Mr. Wang, the nurse. It wasn't like he actually ever paid too much attention to the students unless they were in dire pain, and that was a good thing for the boys at the academy because it was that much easier to slip into the back and cut class. Berwald suspected the man did it out of kindness. The only real reason the man looked up today was because he seemed to be confused as to why one student would be carrying another. Berwald quickly thought up a reasonable excuse, because he was pretty sure _oh yeah, he drank too much vodka and passed out_ was going to help him here.

" H' jus' f'nted. P'lled 'n all n'ghter studyin'."

This was actually a tangible explanation. The students here were very serious about grades, even Mathias (who cut class almost every other day) panicked if his class rank went down by one space. In the time he wasn't molesting Nikolai, he was studying. Mr. Wang simply nodded knowingly and walked Berwald back to the cots.

"Really, you boys should be taking care of yourselves better, aru. At your age what you need is sleep, not all nighters. Tell your friend that when he wakes up if I don't get to." The Chinese man said, looking back at him from the doorway.

Berwald agreed and Mr. Wang went back to his desk, away from the cot room. Berwald settled into the chair next to the bed to wait with Tino. Mr. Wang didn't expect him to go back to class; he knew that he was going to be there when the Finn woke up from the sound of things. So, the Swede just settled on sitting. He had done all of his work for the week anyway, and anything he was missing now could surely wait until he went back to class tomorrow. The only class he really expected to have any work in was math, and he was in no rush to start.

Leaning back in his chair, he gazed at the boy's sleeping face. He had never actually seen him this close up before, and it was truly a sight to see. Soft blonde hair framed his face perfectly, and his cheeks were flushed a pale tint of pink. His lips were barely parted, and his eyelashes cast small shadows over his cheeks every time he breathed. It almost felt wrong watching him right now. It had to be considered slightly voyeuristic, all things considered. He was a little infatuated with him, after all. It wasn't his fault though; Tino was just easy to get infatuated with. Anyone knew that.

Looking over at him again, Berwald's eyes were drawn back to the choker around his neck. It was sort of a strange item for him to be wearing, and not because it was overly-feminine (no one ever said anything about the way Feliks dressed) but because it was out of place on _him_. From what Berwald had seen, Tino always looked so cheerful, bright. If the Finn was to wear a necklace Berwald would have guessed it to be a thin chain with maybe a tasteful charm dangling from it, that just sounded like it would match his personality better- but this certainly seemed to be a contradiction. It looked like a leather pet collar, kind of like in punk-goth style, but Tino wasn't really punk or goth. He was just Tino, bright and beautiful, but not dark and heavy.

Or did Berwald miss something fundamentally important?

Now he wracked his brain trying to think of anything that may have explained this strange contradiction. It did really draw attention to his collar bones, but that almost seemed too carefully planned. From what he had gathered Tino wasn't a fashionista like Feliks was. Maybe he was into BDSM? He blushed a little at the thought and shook it off. It was pretty well known that Tino was in no way promiscuous, and there was no way he could have gotten into something like that yet. There was a rumor going around that one time Francis tried to put a 'friendly' (read: perverse) arm around him, and Tino about bitch slapped him to hell and back. Of course he apologized afterwards but it was needless to say that as much as anyone wanted to, no one ever invaded the Finn's personal space.

With a sigh, he gave up thinking for now and went out to the medicine cabinet to get Tino some aspirin and a cup of water for when he woke up. Though Berwald didn't know exactly how much he had managed to drink earlier, he was relatively sure that the boy was in for some sort of hang-over.

* * *

><p>It seemed like forever until Tino came to. Berwald was actually starting to nod off himself, but snapped back up when he heard a soft moan and a creak from the cot.<p>

"Nnuh..."

The Finn twisted a little, squinting his eyes before slowly blinking them open. Berwald sat up straight now, watching the other with interest. He would probably be a lot different when sober, and the Swede was curious to see his first reaction.

Violet eyes opened to surroundings that he didnt recognize. Tino blinked a couple of times, eventually realizing that he was in the nurse's office, but wondering how in hell he got there. Ah, perkele! His head was really throbbing. He slowly sat up, trying to get his balance back so that he could stand up and ask someone what was happening. Someone was way closer to him than he had had expected, and when he turned the tip of his nose touched to another.

"OYAAAAAAAAH!"

He shrieked a little and jumped backwards when he came face to face with a kind of serious looking boy, then cringed. That scream really hurt his head and jumping sent his vision spinning. Dammit. He didn't think he drank that much, and especially not enough to have forgotten that he had talked to someone. He usually had blurry recollections of what he had done while he was drunk, but this was the first time that it seemed blank to him. He tried to make his head stop spinning long enough to remember something, anything about the events that led up to this. He cautiously looked back over at the taller male by his bedside.

Oh. It was Berwald, that boy he was talking to earlier.

_OH. Shit. _

What the fuck did he say to the poor guy while he was drunk? He really hoped it wasn't anything too vulgar, or crass, he knew that when he drank he wasn't himself and he had been known to say strange things. Berwald still looked serious, and it made Tino slightly nervous. He giggled softly, trying to break some of this damn uncomfortable silence. "Hei, sorry about that... I just didn't expect to see you there was all..."

The Swede nodded, and Tino chewed his lip nervously. It took him a moment to realize Berwald was offering him something, and another moment to realize that it was some much-needed advil. Even if scary, the taller man did seem kind so far. With a small smile, he took the pills and swallowed them dry, brushing some hair away from his face. "Kiitos. A-ah, It means thanks in Finnish."

Berwald mm-ed in response even though he was slightly puzzled as to why Tino didn't take the water. He hadn't expected the boy to be the kind to swallow pills dry, but it seemed that there were probably quite things about Tino that he never would have expected. He already counted three. The other seemed to be trying to stay sitting up, and Berwald realized that he was actually trying to turn to face him. He offered his hand to help steady the Finn, and shyly (if not a little hesitantly) the offer was taken. Tino was then able to move to sit on the edge of the bed across from Berwald.

"S-so... Um..." The Finnish boy sighed softly. This was going to be awkward, and there was no way around it. "Ah... Okay, so I know this is going to sound really bad and all and you can judge me for it if you want, but... What exactly did I say to you earlier?"

The Swedish male swallowed, hoping his speech wouldn't fail him now, because now he actually needed to talk to a sober Tino. He would actually remember this conversation, so he really didn't have room to screw up.

"W'll... Ya' introduced yerself. 'N ya asked me ta' do ya a f'vor." He opted to leave out the part about Berwald admitting to liking him. Sober Tino had probably already seen the way Berwald looked at him, so he deemed it uneccesarily awkward. Besides, he was proud of himself for speaking relatively clearly so far.

"What did I ask?" Tino asked, his eyes worried now. Berwald was quick to notice this and try to soothe him.

"Ya didn't ask fer anythin' bad. 'M n't really s're wh't ya' meant by what ya said, th'gh. S'methin' 'bout n't bein' alone..."

Tino looked perplexed, as if trying to process what he could have possibly been talking about. He shifted in his spot on the bed, looking up for a few minutes before his eyes widened a little. He looked back to Berwald, face a little red, and tried to get his words strung together properly so that he didn't confuse the other again.

"Ah... I think I meant that I wanted to get to know you better. Hang out and stuff... maybe even, uh..." The Finn trailed off. "Well, you know, date." He finshed quietly.

Berwald had expected that from a drunk, but this confession from Tino sober was not one he had seen coming. Or was it a confession at all? "Hn. Do ya' r'gret th't?" He questioned, waiting for a yes. Maybe it wouldn't sting as much as he had expected it to if he accepted it first.

"Well, only half of it. I wish the first time you met me formally wasn't when I was drunk." Tino laughed slightly. "But as for what I said... I_... I think I maybe kind of still mean it_." He rushed his words together, and it took Berwald a minute to decipher what he said and realize what it meant.

Tino just asked to be his boyfriend?

Okay, so that was rushing things a little bit, but the Finn did just ask him out at the very least. And since Berwald would certainly agree... that meant they were dating? This was... surreal. Berwald was no one, and Tino was definitely on everyone's radar. He blinked, trying to figure out if this was one of those wet dreams that starts tame and gets dirty, but after a minute he determined that he was certainly awake. Looking at the other's eyes he decided that the boy was genuine, and this wasn't all some elaborate prank set up by Mathias or another bored kid. He wasn't even sure how to react. This meant he could be close to him now, exactly how he had wanted to, and even stranger it was by Tino's request.

"So um... do you think we could-"

"Yeah." Berwald finished for him. It looked like he had suffered enough trying to get all of that out. Tino seemed to perk up a little now, violet eyes now brighter and far more familiar to him. He smiled softly at Berwald and nodded a little, as though trying to prompt himself to say something.

"I'm really glad. Hei, do you have a cell phone?" He asked, swinging his legs now.

Berwald nodded and took it out. He was due for an upgrade, but he hardly ever used the thing. He only occasionally used it to call home, and as an alarm clock. Tino didn't seem to care what type of phone it was though, he quickly found they key pad and started rapidly typing things in. Damn, those slender little fingers flew across those keys fast. Until now Berwald had always thought it was a joke when people talked about teens texting like that.

After a minute he handed Berwald the phone back and it had a new contact listed: Tino~! The Swede couldn't help but find it kind of cute the way he had typed it.

"Text me!" Tino demanded.

"Mmkay. Wh'n?" Berwald asked.

"Now. I need your number, remember?"

Realizing what Tino wanted him to do now, he texted just 'hey', and Tino seemed content with that. He added the number to his contacts (the list looked pretty long, from what Berwald could tell) and then gave Berwald his attention once again.

"Do you want to get dinner? I know it's kind of early but classes are already out, and I missed my lunch. They always have food around anyway."

Berwald looked at the clock on the wall and was surprised to see how much time had passed. It was definitely after school hours by now, three in the afternoon. He nodded, and looked back over to Tino. "Ya s're yer 'kay ta w'lk?"

"Yeah" the Finn smiled. "I'm feeling way better now. I think the Advil's kicking in."

"'Kay. L't m' t'll , th'n we c'n go." Berwald said, then got up and left to go to the man's desk.

Tino nodded and smiled when he walked out, but sighed heavily once he was out of the room. Really, he should feel bad about this. He should feel terrible. It was horrible really, what he was about to drag Berwald into. And even worse, Berwald was a kind person. True, that reason was exactly what drew Tino to him, but it still made him feel bad.

He knew that Berwald was perfect for this. Even though he was slightly intimidated by the man, he had everything he wanted. Strong hands, quiet so that he could talk- and hey, it helped that he was quite handsome. It would certainly make it easier for Tino to be good to him in the terms of physical affection further into this. Lust was a powerful thing.

However even though Berwald had all of the qualities he had been searching for, it was harder for Tino to rejoice now because this list of things was now a person, a human being; and everyone had feelings, no matter how stoic they came off. Maybe that poker face would help him feel less guilty, though.

He tried to reason with himself. It wasn't like he was going to abuse the man, hell he wasn't even going to leaving him (that would destroy the purpose anyway because then he would need to find someone else). He just needed him for _certain things_. Given _certain things_ were unorthodox and Tino had no idea how Berwald would take to them, but he knew he would get his way. He wasn't dumb, he knew Berwald wanted him. With a little seduction anything was possible.

It wouldn't be one sided, though. Tino would be good to him, pay him back for everything he did. He would be a good boyfriend, do sweet things for him (hand-holding and such) and he would definitely do sexy. He had no objections to giving himself to the man. So yes, he would certainly reward him for his efforts. He just hoped it would be enough for what he was about to drag him into.

Berwald came back in the room now and Tino smiled and jumped up, walking over to him and asking if it was pizza day.

* * *

><p>Hello again~<p>

A word on this chapter: Okay, so anyone reading has probably noticed that Tino's character is a little more assetive and or confident than people typically make him, especially with him making the first move here. I just can't see him as some timid little damsel here, and I didn't have the heart to sit around and make him wait for Waldy to move first (because Waldy takes forever to make moves like that sometimes). However I love cute, shy Tino and i'm sure he will eventually show up in a story I write, just not this one. Anyway, I did try to keep him fairly in character in other aspects so hopefully I didn't butcher him for you too badly.

Berwald... Is Berwald. I don't know what else to say for that XD

Thank you to everyone who reviewed so far, even though doesn't let me reply to you right now I do read all of your comments and they make my day~

Aah, I feel derpy-awkward now! These are long notes. Please review, it makes me happy!

-minn


	4. Chapter 4

A vibration from his phone woke Berwald up the next day, and not his usual alarm.

**From: Tino~!**

**good morning sleepy head :D **

**Received: 5:45 am**

He stared down at the phone screen now, slightly groggy. While he was rubbing sleep out of his eyes, it finally registered in his brain that Tino had woke him up this morning, and he owed him a text back.

**To: Tino~!**

**Good Morning. Sleep well?**

**Sent: 5:49 am**

No longer being able to convince himself that he was asleep, Berwald slowly sat up and pulled the covers off, reaching for his glasses on the night stand. The vibrating phone had pushed them away from their usual spot, and it took him a bit longer to find them. Once he had them he cleaned the lenses a little before setting them on his face. His phone buzzed again before he could do anything else.

**From: Tino~!**

**Yes I did, u? Meet me at the cafeteria I want breakfast :P**

**Received: 5:51 am**

**To: Tino~!**

**I did. And okay. I'll be down in about 20 mins**

**Sent: 5:52 am**

**From: Tino~!**

**Good boy XD I'll see u there~**

**Received: 5:53 am**

It was lucky that Tino wasn't there at the moment because he would have seen Berwald's cheeks burn a little. He wasn't sure why, but for some reason Tino calling him that made him feel… interesting things, to say the least. He shrugged a little, supposing that he was just too easy. Realizing that he actually had to get out of bed now, Berwald reluctantly gathered up some clothes and braced himself for the change of temperature between his room and the hallway. Fan! It was cold. He always remembered why he regretted sleeping in only boxers. Eventually, he made it to the bathroom and closed himself into a shower stall, washing quickly. He had said twenty minutes, but he preferred to be early. He finished his shower in record time and re-dressed in the stall too because he was pretty sure he could hear some hooting and laughter from the bad-… um, bad friends trio? What _did _they call themselves? Anyway, whatever they called themselves they just arrived in the bathroom, and Berwald did not feel like dealing with them right now.

It wasn't much anything personal. Berwald just felt awkward being naked in front of near-strangers. They always stared. He remembered the one time himself and Mathias were stuck on the same floor. He had been changing outside near the sinks, and Mathias walked in and saw him in little more than just his glasses. '_Dude, you're fucking huge! How many times do you fuck a week, man?'_ Had been Mathias's words to him, and that was possibly the most disturbing encounter he had ever had in his life. Needless to say he never got changed outside of the shower stall ever again. He just hung his clothes and the towel on the door and hoped that they didn't get wet, and they hadn't so far.

Berwald kept his head down and walked past the boys quickly. The rule with them was typically if you didn't see them, they didn't see you, and that was fine with him. He slipped down to the cafeteria and found Tino standing at the doors, taking out his phone.

"Hej." Berwald greeted, and Tino looked up and smiled sweetly.

"Hei Be*! I was just about to text you again. Come on, let's get some food~" The Finn sing songed, wrapping his hand around Berwald's own and pulling him in. Berwald could feel his cheeks tint, but if Tino noticed this he didn't let on. He simply walked with Berwald to the buffet and only let go to get himself a plate.

"Hn… pancakes!" Tino announced, picking up a few onto his plate and then almost saturating them with butter. This was interesting to watch. He had seen that other boy Mathieu Williams drench pancakes in syrup (to the point where his brother Alfred called it 'syrup with pancakes') but he had never seen so much butter onto a pancake before. Tino had proved to be a little quirky so far. Yesterday when they were eating pizza Tino took a pepperoni slice and picked off all of the pepperoni and set it into a neat little stack. That had been an interesting sight indeed.

Once Tino was done his pancake arrangement and Berwald settled on some eggs with sausage Tino walked them over to a table near the window. "I like this one~." He declared, and sat down next to Berwald. The Swedish man just nodded and the two started breakfast.

"Be, trade you some pancake for a sausage?" Tino said, offering a forkful to Berwald with a smile. Berwald's heart beat a little harder. That had been in Tino's mouth.

"S're." He responded, reaching for the fork. The other stopped him.

"Nu-uh. Open wide." The Finn grinned impishly. Berwald complied shyly, opening his mouth only slightly and letting Tino slip the fork into his mouth. He took the bite quickly, and he was pretty sure he could taste the Finnish male's mouth in addition to the butter. It was a heavier, sweeter taste, and he liked it. He only hoped he would taste it without another flavor one day. Tino seemed satisfied after that and took a napkin, gripping Berwald's chin with his spare hand.

"You have pancake on you." He laughed, tracing the man's lips under the napkin with his fingertips. Berwald could feel himself getting slightly light-headed, heart rate definitely faster now. Tino smiled and laughed good-naturedly again, and it almost looked like he was about to say something until he was cut off by a voice from behind him.

"Hey Tino!" The voice called. When he turned to get a better look he found that the voice belonged to an Eduard Von Bock. Tino seemed to know him from somewhere because Berwald was pretty sure that he had seen the two hanging out before on more than one occasion. So it came as a surprise to Berwald when Tino rolled his eyes slightly and apologized to him before turning to face the other with a smile.

"Moi, Eduard~." Tino greeted with a small wave.

"I haven't seen you in forever! How are you this morn- AAAH!"

Eduard never finished that statement. Instead he stared now at Berwald, eyes wide. Berwald was well-aware the Estonian boy didn't particularly like him very much. He wasn't oblivious to the dirty looks and the whispers in the halls that came from the boy's locker. He was almost surprised that Eduard had never ganged up with Mathias to pick at him, but at the same time he knew that the boy couldn't have. He was a coward, and Berwald knew it. He flinched every time the Swede threw a glance in his direction. Still though, the constant whispers of 'scary' and 'freak' really didn't make him feel much better at all.

"Eh heh heh… Um, Tino, who is your friend here?" Eduard stammered, still staring at Berwald.

"Oh, Eduard this is Berwald. Berwald this is Eduard. I'm sorry I forgot you two never met before." Tino giggled, cutely. Both men looked like they wanted to say something in protest, but both held their tongue. "Anyway, I've been fine Eduard, but Berwald and I should really get going now so I'm going to have to talk to you later…" The Finn continued, standing up with his plate. Berwald did the same.

"O-oh… Okay…" Eduard agreed quietly, looking dejected. Tino didn't seem to notice and gave a cheerful goodbye, taking Berwald's hand for good measure and walking away.

'_I'm sorry, Eduard. You're on the back burner for now._' Tino thought, still walking with Berwald. In truth, he knew what he had just said was a lie. Berwald knew Eduard, Eduard knew Berwald (And they both hated each other, for that matter). That wasn't his fault though, he was well aware his long-time friend could be a really big prick sometimes. He was surprised Berwald didn't already take his fist to the other boy's teeth already for all of the shit he said about him day to day. But, Berwald had proved to be a better person than most, so maybe he shouldn't have been surprised at all.

He wondered what Eduard's reaction would be when he told him that now Berwald was his boyfriend. He couldn't help but grin a little thinking about the shock that was sure to paint his face when he heard. Oh, Eduard. Ever-easy to scare. He remembered leaning over a desk and talking to the boy, and Eduard's frantic whisper of _oh my god Tino don't look now but he's staring at your ass._ He knew that Eduard was only protective over him and that first time he may have been a little creeped out (if not also flattered) by Berwald's stares as well, but eventually the Estonian boy really started to get on his nerves. He remembered one day he purposely leaned over _way too far_ to get a pencil that _wasn't even there_ just to make Berwald stare, and Eduard nearly pass out.

Technically, he could have gone after Eduard for this. He knew his friend liked him, more than friends should, and it would be easy to bend him, manipulate him. But for some reason he didn't- couldn't do it. It wasn't that he was sentimental, and he sure as hell wasn't a good person- if he was he wouldn't be doing this to Berwald- but he just couldn't make himself go after Eduard. Maybe it was because he talked too much. Maybe it was because his hands weren't as nice. Maybe it was because he just _couldn't even think about letting some not even hot, prissy-ass bitch fuck him-_

Whatever it was, it all seemed to add up to the boy wasn't Berwald. Well, he didn't have Berwald's qualities anyway, and that was what counted. It probably would have been way easier to get Eduard than to Berwald, but it wouldn't have been at all satisfying. Ignoring the text in his pocket (probably from Eduard), Tino walked into the hallway with Berwald.

The Swede felt incredibly light. He liked this feeling of importance. Tino's own hand on his was a nice feeling, and he could definitely get used to going places like this. He stopped when Tino stopped in front of a classroom door (presumably first period class) and turned to face him, smiling sheepishly.

"Hei, sorry about that. He has a knack for dropping in at the wrong time." The Finn explained. Suddenly he noticed that the other's face was getting increasingly closer to his own and before he could even think about what was happening-

Ivan Braginski fucked it up.

"Priviet Komerade!" Ivan called, almost appearing out of nowhere next to the two of them. Tino's breath hitched and he jumped, turning to look at Ivan. His violet eyes were full of shock and… annoyance? Realizing that Tino would have kissed him, Berwald felt more than annoyance at the Russian.

"Moi, Ivan." Tino responded, voice almost sounding clipped and short.

"How are you this morning? You look stunning as always, if I do say so myself~" He smiled, that same creepy little smile he always did. It successfully pissed Berwald off a little more, and it appeared that Tino felt the same.

"I am fine, Ivan. Now if you'll excuse me I have some homework to finish that I put off so I really need to _go._" Tino smiled, gritting his teeth. He was so lucky that Ivan either couldn't read the atmosphere or really, _really_ liked him, or else he may have been having a bone or two broken by now.

"Ah, I see. Well, let us talk later komerade! We really _must_ see each other more."

"Will do." The Finn replied again, smiling just a little too wide too look genuine.

"Paka~" He called, walking off down the hall towards a scrambling Latvian student. Ivan must have really been having an off-day.

Turning back to Berwald after watching Ivan turn the corner, Tino smiled apologetically.

"I don't need to explain him to you. Ivan's just… well, Ivan I guess."

Berwald just nodded. Ivan being Ivan just ruined a near perfect moment. Tino probably forgot all about it already. Dejectedly, he moved to walk into his first class when Tino grabbed his hand and yanked him back towards him. They just stood like that for a moment, and ever so slowly Tino scooted back onto his tip-toes and gently pressed their lips together. Even through surprise Berwald's eyes didn't widen, but closed slightly as he leaned into the other. The connection was brief, chaste, just lips touching lips, but it felt amazing.

In a matter of seconds Tino broke the kiss to get off of his toes, smiling softly, almost nervously at the other. "Hei… I don't know if I did that right, but…"

Berwald just squeezed his hand gently "I pr'b'bly didn't… Ya were p'rfect." He mumbled. Tino squeezed back gently before pulling Berwald into the room, not saying a word more. It was best to leave it at that. Besides, he had just given his first kiss away to the man and if Berwald couldn't infer that he sure as hell wasn't explaining it right now. He needed time to reflect. So, he simply held the man's hand, sitting on his desktop while the other stood by him. They only let go when the first warning bell for classes rang, and Tino walked over to his seat next to Nikolai's desk-

Oh. That would be why Mathias thought he had been staring at the Norwegian.

He was surprised that even at the ten minute bell no one was ever there yet. No one to have seen Tino and him kiss, no one to have seen their hands connected, no one to tell Mathias to chill-the-fuck-out because it wasn't Berwald's fault some beautiful perfect angel happened to sit next to his boyfriend. However, at the two minute bell everyone frantically scrambled into the room, Nikolai once again blocking his view of Tino and Mathias once again glaring at him, arm around Nikolai's waist.

All was the same as it ever was except for the first time it really stood out just how many people seemed to know Tino- it made him wonder what the other had meant when he said he didn't want to be alone.

* * *

><p>*Be is one of Tino's little pet-names for Berwald. It is not pronounced Bee, it is pronounced Beh. (Like eh) There will be more later. I see nick-names being one of Tino's quirks.<p>

A note on this chapter: hello again~ Sorry about the delay, life happened. Not much to say here, except more characters are in the picture now, and yes more interactions are coming. I promise.

Please Review, and to all of you who did and do thank you~ Cookies for you!


	5. Chapter 5

If there was one thing about Eduard that Tino did have to give him props for, it was that he was determined.

He had been working to avoid the other male all week. He wasn't dumb, he knew Berwald didn't like the Estonian and he couldn't risk upsetting his newly found boy. Still though, Eduard was harder to hide from than he had initially expected. He figured that if he just took different routes to his classes then he should be able to avoid him, but apparently Eduard had been asking around. He had spotted Tino three out of seven times on average per day. (Luckily, Berwald wasn't with him any of those times but still- people talk.)

Tino sighed and chewed his lip. Lunch had been going fairly similar to breakfast, just some idle chatter and maybe a few come-ons. He had managed to stop Eduard from coming over with a look that said 'one-more-step-and-you're-dead'. The other recoiled almost instantly and moved back to sit with his other friends, looking back at him all the way. Okay, so he knew it may have been just a bit much, but honestly the stalking through the halls had been getting to him and he was feeling particularly irritable at the time. He would be sitting with Berwald from then on and he knew that if he didn't lay down the law on day one he would have lunch-room drama to deal with almost daily. Third period was awkward enough already with both of them in it.

Luckily, now it was seventh, and the very last minute of seventh to be precise. He just wanted to get out, maybe go and find Berwald a bit later to hang out before bed, and then sleep. The second classes let out Tino almost ran down the hallway, trying to maybe continue to stay away from-

Slam. He had just ran into Eduard and successfully knocked off his glasses. Shit now he actually had to be nice to him. He couldn't have any bad words floating about him, not this early on. Maybe further into the relationship, if Berwald loved him enough, he could take his chances explaining away more unsavory actions, but for now he had to be perfect. Especially now, because Eduard talked if you didn't threaten him to keep quiet and he couldn't have half the school spreading things that may or may not get back to someone important. Taking a breath, he feigned innocence and started to speak.

"Oh my gosh Eduard I am so sorry! I didn't see you there! Are you okay?" He gently picked up the other's glasses and handed them back to him while he spoke.

"Y-yeah, I'm fine. Fuck Tino it's impossible to get a hold of you, I texted you like, fifty times." Eduard replied while standing up.

_I know ass-hole. Ever think I didn't want to talk to you?_ _"_Yeah, I'm really sorry about that. I was just kind of busy with Ber and stuff."

"We need to talk about that. Come on, I'll get you some Salmiakki?"

Fuck. That was his weakness, and a give. If he turned Salmiakki down it would be obvious that something was up, and he couldn't have that. Well, he technically could get away this time if it was important, but the Eduard would just keep asking and asking and next time there may not even be Salmiakki. Somehow, just being the other's 'friend' wasn't enough of an incentive anymore. With another forced smile, the Finn pushed a spare hair behind his ear nodded.

"Oh, alright. Anything for a friend."

Eduard grinned and started to walk with him to the court yard, and Tino just thought that it never ceased to amaze him how gullible the boy was.

* * *

><p>"And so I asked him to be my boyfriend, and he agreed." Tino finished his story, smiling coyly and looking up through his eye-lashes while chewing a piece of Salmiakki. It had actually felt kind of nice to tell someone about his experience. He felt giddy inside now, with no real reason. Okay, so maybe Eduard was capable of good ideas.<p>

"Are you fucking serious? Tino, that guy is fucking terrifying!" Eduard stammered, staring wide eyed at Tino. He couldn't believe that his best friend was really going with that- that _freak!_ It was almost nauseating.

"Eduard, you've got it all wrong! Berwald is a real sweetheart; he would never hurt a fly." The Finn almost cooed. _And he's hot, unlike someone else I know._

"Tino, just listen to me- this is crazy! You have no idea what you are getting yourself into-"

"Well you don't, either an-"

"And he's a freak! No one knows anything about him, he never talks, he's always alone, don't you thing that there's a reason for all of that? He's probably sociopathic, or sadistic or-"

"Or a really sweet boy that no one understands." Tino interrupted, sitting up a little straighter. He actually felt some-what offended by the other boy. "If you don't know a thing about him how do you know he's not just shy? How do you know he's not just nervous?"

"How do you know he didn't rape you while you were out? Honestly Tino if you were in that situation you know you could have, oh, I don't know, called me maybe, and-"

"How do I know you wouldn't have raped me? And also, how do _you _know if I wanted it from him or not? Maybe I did. It's not rape, in that case…" Tino giggled. Eduard choked on air.

"TINO!"

"Sorry. Just saying~."

Eduard looked bewildered. He also looked almost hurt. Tino smiled a little. He had known that the idea of him wanting the Swedish man would definitely shake the Estonian.

"Are you still a virgin?"

_Yes. _"I don't know, am I? Why do you need to know, Eduard?" The Finnish teen said, smiling and leaning back a little. Mocking him. _You'll never have anything from me, anyway, and just what makes you think you even had a chance at my virginity? Oh poor, delusional boy._

The other remained silent for a moment. It was blatantly obvious that Tino wasn't going to give him a straight out answer, and he gave up for now. He just hoped that the boy was joking. He didn't think the Finn had such poor judgment, anyway.

"Um… anyway. Look, I'm just concerned for you okay. The guy never talks to anyone, never even talks, and there is no way of knowing what his past was like. He probably kills things for fun. And seriously, he's probably just trying to get in your pants. All I'm saying is that this guy is bad news. He's a fucking sociopathic _freak_-"

"No he's not!" Tino yelled and stood up, defensive and actually a little upset now. "What makes you think you have any right to judge him? You have none! You're not privileged, you're not above him! You're not above _anyone!_ You don't even know one thing about him, and here you are acting as though you do! I actually do know _something_ about him and let me tell you he is kind, Eduard. He's kind!" He was flashing back to the vodka and the Advil, and he didn't even notice how his eyes suddenly glassed over a little.

"Tino-" Eduard started gently, a little worried about his friend. Tino ignored him.

"He's kind, Eduard. He's kind, and he has feelings just like anyone else and you have no right to fucking trample on him. He's just a lonely, misunderstood boy. He was a child, just like anyone else, and that's _precious_ Eduard. He's precious. I can't believe you could even _say_ things like that about him!" The Finn almost shrieked. Okay, so he did believe that Eduard could say such disgusting things. He knew it full well, hell he used to hear him so it almost every day. Still though, disbelief is a must. Disbelief makes you the victim, and it's all okay as long as you _look_ like the one being victimized. People never say anything bad about you if you paint these things as self-defense.

He didn't even notice that he was trembling a little, but if he did he would have thought it a nice effect.

"And killing things for fun? Seriously Eduard? That's what goes on in your" _sick little_ "head? Are you high when you say these things? And oh, is he just trying to get into my pants? _Is he_ now? Because I'm pretty fucking sure that I don't know anyone who isn't! I can't have a conversation with anyone eyeing me up; I don't even _remember_ the last person who looked at my face when I was talking _except_ for Berwald! And _GOD DAMMIT STOP STARING AT MY HIPS AND LOOK AT ME_!"

Eduard looked like a child misbehaving, eyes wide and guilty. Caught in the act.

"Look at me." Tino said softer now, fists clenched at his sides and tears slipping down his cheeks. Tino wasn't arrogant. Tino wasn't even confident. Tino just knew what was what. He knew people didn't actually care about him, they just wanted his body. No one ever actually listened to his stories. No one ever waited for his response when they asked how he was. They, Ivan, Eduard, just stared at his waist, his lips, and his ass like carnivores and made him feel naked, violated, _filthy-_

And fuck it was lonely.

"Look at _me_, not my body. Even you can't just look at me, and you think you're my friend… Berwald, Berwald looks at me as a person… And you know what, if I were to let someone fuck me right this second it would be Berwald! Even if he is trying to get in my pants at least he makes me feel like a person and not a piece of meat! He fucking earned it; he's the only one who actually fucking deserves it!"

"Tino I'm sorr-"

"I don't want to hear it! I don't want to hear you. You disgust me, Eduard, I…" I thought better of you? I thought we were friends? They were both lies and he knew it.

"Don't even come near me anymore." He finally settled on, turning and walking swiftly away. When the other tried to follow him he just ran, and he didn't even look back once he was in his dorm with his door locked.

* * *

><p>Lying on his bed now, Tino stared at the cracks in the ceiling. When he reflected on it, he had no idea why he had gotten so protective over Berwald earlier. All he knew is that he still kind of felt it. Maybe this meant that he wasn't as bad a person as he thought himself to be.<p>

He stared next to him at his phone. It was on silent, seeing as Eduard wouldn't stop calling him. The screen glowed to alert him that the other was calling again now, and the temptation to turn the damn thing off was strong. Even stronger though, was his want to see Berwald. He wanted comfort. The Swedish man did make him feel uneasy from time to time, but he was also rather soothing from his gentle mannerisms. He felt safe when they were together.

This was selfish though, and Tino knew it. He had no right to take more from the man (even something as simple as some comfort) than what he was already bound to, but he still couldn't help but want. Just because he had no right to didn't mean that he wouldn't.

He was just as bad a person as he had initially thought.

Picking up his phone now, Tino hit the end key to ignore Eduard's thirty two missed calls (he didn't even count the texts or the voicemails) and quickly dialed Berwald before his not-friend could call back again.

"Lo?" Berwald answered. Tino smiled. The man was slightly more eloquent in texts but quite a bit more awkward talking on the phone. It was cute.

"Hei, Ber." Tino cooed. He couldn't see the other melting at his voice. "Do you have an hour? I just wanted to hang out for a bit…" _Please say yes._

"Ja, I do. Wh're ya' w'nna meet?" Berwald responded, trying to speak clearly.

Call waiting beeped in Tino's ear, and he ignored it. "What's your room number?"

"Two- th'rty-s'ven."

"Be! You never told me we were on the same floor! Silly~ Okay, I'll just come over and knock, m'kay?"

"S'perfect."

"Okay. I'll be there in like five minutes." Tino said, and after a quick goodbye hung up. Another Eduard call came through, and he just sighed and tucked the phone in his pocket. He would turn it off once he was with Berwald.

He stood up now and went to the mirror to fix himself a little before he went out. After crying a little, running, and rolling around on his bed for about half an hour he was sure he looked a little less than decent. The mirror confirmed his suspicions. With a heavy sigh he smoothed out his hair and wiped his face off a little, looking down self-consciously at his neck. Had it moved? Yes, yes it had. Chewing his lip, he pulled the choker back up further and re-adjusted it. Tighter. Tighter. Not too tight yet. Not now. Berwald didn't need to know yet.

Tino was pretty sure he wouldn't want to right now, either. Even he didn't want to think too hard now. He just wanted to not be alone. Deciding that he looked good enough, he turned to the door and hurried out and down the hall to two thirty seven.

* * *

><p>Author's note: Hei~ I'm not sure if there's much to say here about the chapter, but I did want to say thank you for the reviews and the favorites and alerts. You guys make my day! The site isn't letting me reply to reviews at the moment, so I promise I'm not ignoring you. I read them all and they make me smile~<p>

As always enjoy, and please review. Reviews make me extremely happy.


	6. Chapter 6

The walk to get to Berwald's room wasn't far at all. Tino was honestly surprised he had never known that the other boy was on the same floor as him; he was sure that he would have had to have seen him at one point or another. Or maybe he had and just wasn't remembering. Either way, his musings were cut short when he realized that he had arrived at his destination. Brushing some hair out of his face once more, he knocked lightly at the door. Berwald was quick to answer the door, and the Finnish boy couldn't help but stare a little. The other man was wearing little more than boxers and an un-buttoned button-down shirt, leaving not much to the Finn's imagination.

The taller of the two shifted a little and pushed his glasses up a bit further on his nose. Admittedly he had done this slightly consciously; he had been given the choice of putting on more clothing while he waited for Tino to get to his room, but he didn't really want to. He was comfortable. The more the other stared, though, the more self-conscious he became. Was this really indecent? This was an all-male boarding school, and hell it wasn't like Tino had never seen a shirt-less man before, right?

"Heh, hei Ber." Tino finally said, smiling to break the silence.

"Hej." Berwald responded, relieved. He was half-expecting Tino to turn on his heel and vanish. "Come in?"

Berwald moved out of the doorway enough to let Tino walk in past him, and closed the door almost tentatively after. He was mildly surprised to see that the other had already made himself at home in the edge of Berwald's bed, his back pressed up against the wall and his feet resting on the edge. Deciding to follow the Finn's lead he moved next to the Finn in a similar position. He had his back against the wall but his legs were tucked slightly closer to his chest so that his feet weren't awkwardly hanging off of the bed.

"What's on yer mind?" The Swede asked softly. He sucked at talking to begin with, but small talk was even harder for him. He had no idea what kept Tino, a very talkative person, with him.

With a small, awkward smile, Tino giggled slightly. "Oh… a lot of things."

"Like?" Berwald pried, gently as possible. He didn't want to force the other, but he looked like he could use some encouragement.

"Well… Do you ever just really hate people sometimes? I mean, when they're such jerks and you just want to tell them off but it feels like it wouldn't even be enough if you did that?"

Why that was a profound statement. If there was a person that Berwald had expected this from, it was the ever-bitter, ever-cynical Nikolai; even Mathias was more likely than Tino to say such a thing. Trying to ignore his initial surprise, Berwald thought about the question carefully.

"I suppose." He finally answered. He did hate certain people at times, even though it wasn't really in his nature to call anyone out on anything. Still though, he was trying to encourage Tino to keep talking more than anything else. That was the priority.

"Well… I kind of told someone off today…"

"Who?"

"Eduard. He was just… god Be, he was just being such a jerk! I couldn't stand it!"

"Thought ya' were friends?" Berwald half questioned. He wasn't really sure about that anymore, but he was still curious.

"I… Honestly, I think you could say I was friends with anyone and it would almost always be a lie."

Tilting his head, the Swedish male waited for the other boy to elaborate.

"It's just… It's hard to explain…" A sigh. "Berwald, I just hate them all. All of them. I mean, there's no good reason to be mean to them so I'm not, but there's just no real reason to be nice to them, either. Someone asks how your day was and they don't even wait for the answer."

Berwald resisted the urge to point out that Tino was the only one who ever asked how Berwald's day was; and he always listened to the answer. Tino rambled on.

"They don't care, they never care, and they're just so brainless! It's like they're just programmed or something. And really, even if they do listen to a thing you say, it's never anything good and then they decide that everyone and their mother need to hear it. It's just terrible! And when they don't know someone they concoct all of these stupid, usually offensive, outrageous urban myths because they have no lives. And then all they care about is how you look, but it's not even like when we were younger and people actually cared about your face. All people look at is your ass, your hips, god, it's so fucking disgusting! It's like we're not even people anymore!"

Tino couldn't stop. He just had to let it out, and so he told Berwald about how all these people were was empty, hollow, shells of _something_, and how they had no decency or respect for other people, and how all they could do was look at anywhere but your face and all they cared about was anything but your face-

And surprisingly, Berwald listened to all of it.

Tino eventually forced himself to stop, and the other watched him take deep breaths in before asking a question. "D'ya hate me?"

Violet eyes looked up at him, almost surprised at the question. He didn't hate Berwald, no, not at all. Sure he did have selfish reasons for being with the man, but he didn't hate him. He was very fond of him, especially compared to many others.

"I don't hate you. Berwald, I really, really like you." He smiled softly and moved onto his knees now, scooting closer to the other man. "I can't believe you'd think for even a second that I didn't like you."

Gently now, he cupped the man's face in his hands and leaned closer to him, tilting his head so that their noses wouldn't collide. He may not have been particularly experienced, but he knew enough from talk not to make silly mistakes. Soft lips met slightly more dry ones sweetly, pressing harder after the initial contact. The other seemed surprised at first, but once he relaxed a little Tino took the chance to slide his tongue over the other's lips to moisten them slightly before pressing between them to part them.

Berwald was melting. What Tino was doing was heavenly, and he couldn't resist just giving in to his advances. He opened his mouth slightly and felt the tongue poking and prodding around his mouth quickly and eagerly, and it sent a pleasurable shiver through him. His mouth was still open when Tino finally broke the kiss for air because he didn't even comprehend that it was already over.

With a smile, Tino climbed into Berwald's lap and wrapped his arms around the other's broad shoulders before leaning in to kiss him again, more confident this time. The Swede more than welcomed the advances and leaned closer to the shorter male, eyes glazed over. Kisses stayed heated and the amounts of time that they broke for air between them seemed too long in Berwald's mind, but not long enough for his lungs. It was the most pleasant confusion he had ever felt. Soon he felt himself getting dizzy and placed his hands on Tino's waist to steady himself. Even more encouraged now, Tino moved his hands to rest on Berwald's sculpted chest, and he could feel the man's heart pounding. He couldn't help but grin after they broke apart from their current kiss, and he rested his forehead against the Swede's.

"Hi." He said simply, softly, even though it held so much more meaning. Berwald could only stare back dumbly, and Tino giggled and kissed both cheeks playfully. "You're cute."

The Swedish teen blushed a little and kept his hands where they were, reluctant to move and ruin the moment. The other just grinned wider and kissed down his cheek and jaw gently, only-half playfully. He punctuated each kiss with a small 'mah' sound stopping once he got to the crook of Berwald's neck and resting his head there while breathing the other man in. "Hn, you smell good." He giggled. Berwald held the other close while he tried to catch his breath. It was actually quite peaceful, just laying with the other.

They both knew that there was time that could have been used being wasted, but neither one could bring themselves to get up and leave. It was serene, and there was no real reason why they should have moved. Tino couldn't even remember when he had fallen asleep, or why he had woken up. He just knew that apparently Berwald has been sleeping, too, because he looked quite startled when Tino sat up and yawned.

"Hn… sorry Ber. Did I wake you?"

"S'alright."

Smiling sheepishly, the Finn leaned over and pressed a kiss to his companion's cheek apologetically. "Didn't mean to… it is rather late though. I really should be going, I'm sorry."

It wasn't hard to see the disappointment in the other's eyes, and Tino did feel some guilt for that. He certainly would have stayed the night, but he had some other matters to take care of this particular night. "Er… Would you like to do this again tomorrow? I'm free then; it's just tonight I have some homework that I put off and I really have to finish it. But I'm free tomorrow, I promise." Tino chewed his lip slightly, willing the other to say yes.

"F'course."

A smile. "Great! Well, I'll wake you up tomorrow again. You go back to sleep now, okay?"

With a nod Berwald agreed, and then got up and led Tino to the door. A few more short kisses were exchanged in the doorway for the purpose of stalling, and eventually the Finnish teen finally turned and walked down the hallway, as much as he didn't want to. That or he really didn't want to take care of certain other matters.

This was when he had wished that he had just stayed asleep in the other's arms.

* * *

><p>"… Hei, dad."<p>

"Hello. You know you should really say something more quickly; I was about to hang up the line because I wasn't sure if you were even there."

"Okay. I'm sorry."

"School still going well?"

"Mmhm."

"That's not an answer."

A sigh. "Yes, school is still fine."

"Grades still high?"

"Haven't dropped."

"Still a faggot?"

"Yes, I am still gay."

"You're sick."

"I know."

"How could you decide to do this?"

"I didn't."

"Then why don't you stop?"

"I can't."

"Have you ever even _known_ a girl?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"I still like men. You can't change these things, dad, it's just me."

A pause in breath. Silence. "You're disgusting."

"I know."

"You'll make your mother cry."

"I'm sorry."

"I hate you."

"I'm well aware."

"Your mother's birthday is soon."

"I've mailed a card."

"Good."

Yet more silence.

"Why couldn't you turn out right?"

"I don't know."

"Figure it out."

"I can't. Can you?"

"No."

"Then how am I to?"

"You know that you're a fucking fag. Don't you know why?"

"No, I do not know why I am gay-"

"Fag."

A pause. "I just know that I am."

"You're ill."

"I know."

"I still hate you."

"I know."

"Don't forget to call for your mother's birthday."

"Will do. Good night, dad."

"Good night, faggot."

A click on the line, and there's complete silence in the room. It rings in his ears, and the phone receiver, and it's _fucking everywhere_-

He shattered it with a heart wrenching sob, dropping to his knees. Why? Why did it always have to be like this? It wasn't his fucking fault that men were just so much more attractive to him! How could his father _blame_ him for it? It was simply the truth to him! Tino _liked_ men, the scent of a man, the way that he was kissed and held in such strong arms- why was it a crime to like that? It wasn't _fair_! Had he been a woman his father would probably have even encouraged him, been thrilled that his daughter was so popular with the boys, and then he could tell him about Berwald and he would be elated-

But Tino was a boy. Tino was a freaky little boy who liked men and wanted a dick rammed up his ass and to be taken and taken over by a man- _Fuck_ what was_ wrong_ with him.

His sobbing was starting to get faster and he couldn't stop shaking. He curled into a ball on the floor and let go, sobbing and trembling and hiding his face in his hands as though it would help him stop hurting somehow. He knew it wouldn't though, it never did, there was only one thing that had ever worked and so frantically he made the same choice that he always made-

The room was red before it went black.

* * *

><p>On this chapter: notes. I have many of them.<p>

One: I am so sorry that this took so long. Real life happened and it sucked. A lot. I'm hoping that I won't take so long in the future.

Two: No smut yet, I'm sorry guys. I really didn't mean to imply that in the last chapter because I just feel that it's just slightly too soon; but I promise you things will pick up a little more in the near future. For now, I have simply left you with some snogging.

Three: I have fixed Berwald's speech here to make it more intelligable. I didn't have the heart to get rid of all of his slurs, but most are gone.

Four (this is in general): As many of you may have already noticed, these characters are a different characterization. They are darker, grittier, and over-all just not the same as the near-cannon fandom characterizations. I write like this because I enjoy these concepts, and I hope that if you're reading this that you enjoy them. If not, you are free to stop, and please don't hate. I'm just here for fun, just like everyone else~

Reviews are loved and very much appreciated


	7. Chapter 7

Something didn't seem right this morning.

Berwald stood by the entrance to the cafeteria, glancing around in confusion. Tino was always here before he was, but for some reason Berwald couldn't seem to spot him. Maybe he really was still half-asleep today. He looked around the room again and still couldn't spot him. Just when he was about to call the other, said Finn came running down the hallway to Berwald.

"H-hei." He panted, stopping in front of Berwald to catch his breath. "Really sorry about that, I ah, woke up kind of late." He said, with a sheepish grin.

The Swede just nodded a moment and paused to take in his boyfriend's appearance. His hair was tousled and his cheeks were pink; it was actually kind of cute. The only thing that bothered him was his neck- for some reason the shadow the choker left looked far too dark against his pale skin. Really, should there even _be_ a shadow cast by the choker? It was fastened so tightly that it seemed impossible.

It took Tino a moment to realize what Berwald was staring at, and when he did he was quick to realize that the Swede probably wasn't checking him out. _Shit._ He could probably see the bruising.

"Oh, is my hair a mess?" Tino asked, pouting slightly. "I bet it looks terrible. I'm sorry." He met Berwald's eyes now, managing to draw the man's gaze away from his neck so that he could re-adjust the choker.

Feeling guilty after seeing the Finn's face, Berwald quickly shook his head at the question. "Naw, ya' look fine." He said, offering his hand to the other. Tino smiled and took it, done fixing himself, and walked into the cafeteria with him. That was an extremely close call for him. He couldn't believe he had been so stupid, so reckless to have let something like that slip. Berwald didn't seem to think anything of it, but it was really hard to read the man sometimes. He smiled his trademark smile and tried to get a conversation going, attempting to ignore the knot in his throat that tightened by the second. Luckily though, he didn't even have to think of a topic before a certain Dane came bounding over, Nikolai in tow.

"Hej, Tino! What're ya' doing with this guy, ah? Were you really that desperate?" Mathias hollered as he made his way over, chuckling at what must have been his attempt at a bad joke. Nikolai only rolled his eyes and yanked on the Danish male's tie as usual, cutting the laughter off short.

"Good morning Berwald, Tino." He greeted, monotone as ever. Nikolai was a confusing one for Tino to try and figure out. Sometimes the boy seemed even more stone faced than Berwald, but others he seemed full of fire and spunk. The two had never really been close, despite Mathias's constant urging for the two to hang out because they were both 'really similar, man' (as the Dane had put it). To this day, Tino struggled to find similarities between himself and the Norwegian.

"Good morning Nikolai, Mathias. And I'm getting breakfast with Berwald, that's what." Tino responded calmly, rolling his eyes a little at Mathias's usual antics.

"Hey, don't look so annoyed Tino, doll, you- NIKOLAI, BABE, I WAS JUST KIDDING!" The Danish male yelped as the Norwegian reached for his tie again. Tino almost chuckled. Either Mathias had to stop annoying Nikolai so badly or he needed to stop wearing ties.

"You know how I feel about that." Nikolai almost pouted, deep blue eyes probing into his boyfriend's own.

"Babe, baby, you know I was just messing around." Mathias grinned, reaching his arm around the Norwegian's waist and leaning down to nuzzle his nose at the other's scalp. "You know you're the only one who'll ever get me off."

"Oh, how _sweet_." Nikolai replied, sarcasm lacing his words. He made no move to pull away from the hold on his waist though, and simply rolled his eyes while letting the Dane press kisses into his hair. Even if Mathias tried his hardest, he couldn't hide the fact that the colder male in his arms meant everything to him. He tried to paint himself like a sex-crazed maniac, make it seem like all he cared about was how fucking _good_ Nikolai felt under him at night, but at moments like these that image was shattered.

"Hn. We good?" Mathias asked. It was a chance for Nikolai to stop him before he went too far if he was on his way.

"Yes." The other responded simply. The Dane just grinned like mad.

"Good. After all, you owe me some head later, babe."

Nikolai didn't deny a thing, but did smack him across the face. Mathias just smiled and laughed. "See, Swede, that's how ya' know that they love you." He said, looking at Berwald.

The Swedish man simply shook his head and Tino cut in. "Well guys, it was nice seeing you but we really need to eat breakfast now-"

"Oh no, no, no, no, no. You're not getting off that easily. I need to know when _this_ happened." The Danish male said, grin plastered across his face. "C'mon Waldy, Tino, when did you start screwing around?"

Tino rolled his eyes and Berwald sent a glare Mathias's way, neither of which the boy seemed to notice. "Come on, seriously, I gotta know!"

"Mathias, we are not 'screwing around', it's called dating. And three weeks by now." Tino said, with a slight sigh.

"Yeah yeah, whatever you say dol- I mean Tino." He cut himself off, noting the dangerous glare from Nikolai. "Anyway, I don't think we've all ever been in the same place at once. We should eat breakfast together to celebrate this momentous occasion!"

Nikolai groaned slightly and Berwald rubbed his temples while Tino tried to smile politely. Wonderful, prolonged torture for all. There was no real _should_ in Mathias's statement, because with Mathias _should_ was just a synonym for _will_, and there was really not a way to say no to the guy. He may be annoying when he was happy, but he was down-right terrifying when pissed-off. Not even Berwald really wanted to deal with a pissed-off Mathias. So, the other three boys resigned to their fate and followed Mathias to go get breakfast, and then to a table.

* * *

><p>Miraculously, breakfast came and went in a fairly peaceful fashion. The rest of the day seemed fairly uneventful, too, and Berwald suddenly felt silly for worrying over nothing that morning. Maybe he was just getting clingy. He felt silly about it now, but it was actually very likely to be the case. Tino seemed kind though, so hopefully he wouldn't mind too much. He stared at the clock on the wall now- eighteen more minutes. Eighteen minutes too long.<p>

He had never particularly hated science class, but today he just wanted to get out. He was supposed to meet Tino after class so that they could go back to his room again. Sixteen minutes. Damn why couldn't time move faster? He reached into his back-pack and pulled out some homework, opting to ignore the lecture he had already read last evening and finish off an assignment instead. Hopefully he would stop looking at the clock every few seconds.

Finally, the ball rang out, and Berwald hurried out of the room almost forgetting to close his bag. He rushed down the hallway to Tino's locker, managing to get there at the exact same time as the cute Finn.

"Moi, Berwald~" He greeted, leaning up to plant a soft kiss on the taller man's cheek.

"Hej. Ready to go?" Berwald asked, hoping for a yes.

"Yep. Lets's go!"

Tino took the larger hand and started to pull him down the hallway, easily weaving through the crowds of people with ease. Berwald had a harder time keeping up with his boyfriend, seeing as his build was significantly larger. He did somehow manage to keep up with the Finnish teen, though, and eventually they made it to their floor. It was much quieter seeing as they were the only two in that hallway, and Tino was grateful for the break in noise. Now he could actually hear himself think.

After finally getting into Berwald's room, Tino plopped down on the bed like last time and stretched out a little, revealing some pale white skin from where the bottom of his shirt rode up. The sight was very enticing, and Berwald took a seat next to the Finn, watching more and more skin being revealed as he stretched. Finally, after shifting a few more times, Tino relaxed and rested his cheek on Berwald's thigh. "Hi." He giggled.

The Swedish teen blushed and muttered something that may have passed for a 'hey' and tried not to think too hard about where Tino's head was resting. It wasn't_ just inches away from his_- Berwald was a bad liar.

Tino could see his boyfriend's struggle and found it quite comical, really. He hadn't initially planned to do anything all too dirty today, not really, but this was just too perfect. The only problem now was deciding what to do next. Should he play sweet? Sexy? Innocent? Decisions, decisions, decisions, there were just too many choices sometimes. Would Berwald think he was a whore if he did decide to do something today? He knew the man would still adore him, but he really didn't want to come off as some slut who slept with half of the school, he wasn't. Sure, half of the school probably _wanted_ to sleep with him, but he didn't actually comply.

He hadn't complied to anyone's wants, not yet.

But today, Tino decided, that was about to change. Putting a sweet smile on his face, he looked up at Berwald and nudged his thigh a little. He could make out the other's package through his jeans from this angle, probably because it was obviously hardening. "Having some problems there, Ber?" He giggled, sitting up and planting himself in Berwald's lap now, on top of the hardening erection. Berwald gasped slightly, and Tino could tell he had started something.

"Aww, sweetie, does it hurt?" He crooned softly, putting more of his weight in the other's lap now. Berwald threw his head back and let out a breathy groan, panting heavily. Tino just smiled wider. "Poor _baby_." He said, voice sliding past his lips like syrup. He moved so that his breath ghosted along the nape of Berwald's neck, lips not quite touching him yet. "It must be so _hard _having to endure all of that. Sweet boy."

At this point, Berwald was ready to scream, or cry, or do something else completely uncharacteristically drastic for himself. Sure, he had masturbated before, but the heat and the weight in his lap was intense, real, dizzying- it was nothing like any of his late night trips into the shower. It made his nerves tingle and his brain detach, and all he could think was _oh fuck yes, yes, yes-_

Grinding experimentally against the erection, Tino looked up to watch Berwald's reaction. He was biting his lip now, eyes almost closed, and the Finn could tell that he was doing well. "Have you ever had anyone _touch you_ before, Berwald?" He asked gently, nuzzling against his neck now. With hazy eyes and no self-consciousness, Berwald shook his head quickly.

"Good," Tino stated, "Because I'd be jealous… Would you let me touch you, Berwald?"

It was a dumb question, pointless, and Tino knew it. He already had the answer. But for some reason watching Berwald nod his head gave him some sort of relief. No longer worried about being stopped, he pressed against the man's groin again and smiled.

"How big are you Berwald, hm? Maybe you should let me measure. I've never held one before, think I could make it bigger…?" he asked, with faux curiosity. No shit it would get bigger. Even a few badly made pornos could tell you that. Berwald just let out another groan and the Finn took this as a sign to keep going. Slowly, just for show, he moved his hand down and palmed at the length through the jeans.

"I think we should find out…" He half-whispered now. He could feel the Swedish teen throbbing even through the thick fabric, and figured he probably wouldn't last long. He moved his other hand down to the fly of Berwald's jeans and unzipped it quickly, managing to get the button popped out through the fabric in record time. He usually sucked at those sorts of things. Luckily he was on a roll today.

He slid the waistband of the boxers down now, revealing a soft trail of blonde hair. Tino gently traced his index finger down it, causing the other to shake in pleasure, before he finally pulled the band down far enough to free the shaft. It almost sprung loose, throbbing and stiff, and the Finn could only stare for a moment -because _oh fuck he's huge-_ before snapping back into reality and reaching out.

A long, slender hand cupped the base of the shaft almost tentatively, but the contact was enough to make Berwald's hips back and his heart spasm. Tino, slightly more nervous now, gently squeezed and pumped the length a few times. Satisfied with the other's reactions, he moved his other hand to stroke the head, smearing the pre-cum that was nearly pouring from the slit. Berwald's moans and gasps were getting louder now, more frantic, and his breath was far less steady than it had been earlier.

Harshly, Tino forced their lips together, pushing Berwald's open and meeting little resistance from the other while his tongue almost raped his mouth. It wouldn't be long now. He broke the kiss only to whisper against Berwald's ear, licking at the lobe, "Shh, hush darling. Almost there."

Tino was right. Almost violently, Berwald released onto his lover's hands, only able to see stars and maybe a head of blonde hair in front of him. He wasn't sure how long he rode out that orgasm, all he knew was that he wished it wouldn't end.

The Finn watched his companion climax and smiled, feeling quits satisfied with himself. Berwald was fucking adorable, all needy like that. He really hoped that he could get that reaction out of the Swede more often. He moved away from his neck now to plant a gentle kiss against the other's lips before pulling away to look at him again. He wasn't really sure what to say, if there was anything to be said at all.

He was beautiful. Berwald gazed ahead at his now-lover, who was still some-what in his lap. He was fucking beautiful. What was he supposed to do, or say to that? Thank you? I've dreamt about you doing that since fresh-man year?

Needing to move and do something, _anything_ to make the moment less- less something, Tino lifted his hand to his lips and gently started licking the cum off of his fingers. Not bad, not bad at all.

"Heh. Didn't want to ruin your sheets." Tino explained when he saw Berwald's eyes widen. The Swedish male just stared ahead at his lover, almost amazed.

It was lucky he was still coming down from his last orgasm or surely he'd be painfully hard all over again.

The rest of the night was all a blur after Tino finished eating up his seed. He was sure that there was some cuddling involved, and maybe Tino talked about something, and surely he eventually went back to his dorm- but the thing most vivid in Berwald's mind the next morning was still those hands and lips.

* * *

><p>Author's Note: I suck. Go ahead and say it. You guys are way too good to me and I took way too long to do this. That being said, you are all awesome, thanks for all of the lovely comments and adds, and here is some yummy smut~ I won't make any promises but I'll bust my butt to make the next chapter come out in a more timely manner.<p>

As always, I love reviews because they make me grin like a fucking maniac.


	8. Chapter 8

_You're just another fuck up; did you ever think that you were special? One night and one broken condom later is all you ever were, and you couldn't even make this easier on us you go and become a fucking cock-sucker-_

If there had ever been a time that Tino had ever been more grateful for his alarm than that moment, he didn't remember it. Never mind that he had set it completely wrong, p.m. instead of a.m. He didn't even bother to turn off the clock and the shrill ringing; instead he decided to cradle it against his cheek with his hands and listen. If he went deaf he really wouldn't mind that much. Death metal would probably make him lose his hearing young, anyway.

He was tired, so fucking tired, but he wouldn't dare go back to sleep. He couldn't go back to sleep, not there, not then, never mind the fact that it was 11 p.m. on a Friday night and he should be sleeping. If he went back to sleep then, he would wish that he had never closed his eyes in the first place. These words that followed him to sleep weren't nightmares, just memories- sometimes he prayed that one day, something, someone, anything would come along and hit him so hard that he couldn't even remember his name. Amnesia would have been a blessing at that point. Really it would have been a blessing at any point before that, too.

The alarm clock screamed on, and he continued to lay there. Just because he couldn't sleep didn't mean that his body wasn't still exhausted. The shrill ringing eventually made a song if you listened hard enough. It was a screechy, terrible song, but some sort of strange melody non-the-less. When he started to hum along, trying to add to the strange symphony blaring in his eardrums, was the point where Tino mentally slapped himself for being so pathetic. He reached his fingers up the device to turn off the noise and eventually managed to hit the right button after a few failed tries.

After tossing the clock beside him on the sheets, he rolled over onto his back and stared at the ceiling. He wanted to do something, anything to occupy himself so that his mind wouldn't drift, but there really wasn't anything he could do. Not at this hour, anyway. Almost everyone he knew was at a party, and Berwald seemed like he would be one that would sleep early, even on a Friday night. Usually he would call Eduard and maybe listen to him rant about something petty and unimportant, but he quickly remembered that they still weren't speaking. Ah, shit. He sat up on the edge of the bed and reached for his phone, moving it in his hands while he thought what to do.

It was possible to call Eduard and apologize. He had done it before, and even though at first the teen tried to put up a front of 'you're-going-to-have-to-make-the-effort-to-be-a-better-friend', he could never follow through with it. It would be easy to apologize…then again, it may not. He wasn't about to break up with Berwald, and he was pretty sure that Eduard might actually stand firm on the fact he didn't like the Swede, whether Tino was dating him or not.

With a heavy sigh, Tino threw himself back on the bed, and twisted his hands in his hair. Fuck people. He may as well occupy his time with something else until a more sane hour- or at least until he could fall back asleep.

He stood up and walked over to the mirror, groaning when sleepless eyes stared back at him. Face. His face looked terrible right now. He had some acne on the side of his jaw that was very luckily easily concealed with some cover-up, and his hair was so fucking messy. Looking downwards, he saw his stomach- there was still fat on it, and he hated that. Sure, no one could have a flat stomach, but he _wanted_ to. That should count for something. Then there were his thighs- too wide and not nearly firm enough, and he despised them. He kind of regretted standing in front of this mirror now.

Walking away from the thing, he decided on a shower. Maybe he could relax enough to sleep again if he took one, or at least stop feeling so disgusting.

* * *

><p>It was eleven at night and Berwald was still wide awake. He didn't feel very tired yet, even though logically he should have from waking up so early. He had finished his school work already and was extremely bored. The internet, though entertaining, could only interest him for so long some days, and tonight was one of those instances. He didn't feel like reading anymore, either. Really what he wanted to do was go down to wood-shop and work, but Mr. Biya was not on campus right now due to some personal matters, and the substitute had left for the weekend. That meant the room was locked.<p>

Almost frustrated, Berwald decided to go take a shower to clear his head. There was probably no one in the bathroom for now save for someone taking a drunken piss, and maybe a couple of fuck-buddies hiding in an empty shower. Ah. At this hour anyone who saw one another had adopted a kind of a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy, and Berwald didn't mind one bit.

He took a change of clothes, boxers and an old t-shirt, before walking down the hall to get to the showers. As expected, the only boy he passed in the hall was falling-down-drunk and probably wandering back to whatever dorm the other drunkards were in. Berwald tried to ignore the boy as usually did, because he couldn't be fazed by every drunk he met. There were just too many of them for that.

So, when Berwald did finally arrive at the bathroom he felt lucky that there was only one other person in the showers, and they were probably bound to finish before he was out. He took his usual stall (which happened to be right next to the occupied one) and started the water. His glasses fogged quickly, and he set them on the ledge before leaning his head under the water.

It was amazing how fast the tension escaped his body in a hot shower. It seemed as though his jaw unclenched and set into a calmer expression, and not the usual 'terrifying' one his face seemed to set into automatically (it wasn't that scary though, right?). It was actually a very serene moment until he heard a low moan from the next stall. Fuck. He should have known that he couldn't have a normal evening. For some reason though, he felt a little aroused by the moaning. Frustrated, he turned the water on cold and tried to beat down the erection that was threatening to spring.

More moaning. This person must have been alone, because there was no reply to the moans, no speaking or slapping of flesh to accompany them- didn't this faceless somebody know that someone else was right next to them?

Meanwhile, Tino's cheeks were flushing pink as he stroked himself. Tonight he had decided to treat himself, and was also very lightly fingering himself from behind. He had never put in anything more than one, but he quite enjoyed the sensation of being full. Yes, it hurt his wrist to crane at that uncomfortable angle, but the orgasm he got from it was worth it, and far more worth it than one he got only from rubbing his hand over his cock. There was just something about being full… he really was a fag.

Stop. His mind told him to stop. Stop thinking, stop feeling so fucking guilty for something that you can't change, don't want to change. Stop thinking of that fucker. Think of better things. Think of sexy things, think of big dicks and blow jobs and-

"Berwald." He barely breathed.

His eyes shot open and he gasped a little. He never thought of anything when he got himself off. Nothing. Not even a favorite porn actor or a favorite act, just sensations and what caused them. But tonight, for some reason, he was thinking. And he thought of Berwald.

"Berwa-ahld." He moaned, louder now. It was sexy, thinking of someone else. Usually he just imagined faceless people doing faceless things, but now it was Berwald and himself, and that was hot. "Hn, fuck, Berwald." He moaned again, stroking faster now. _Fuck me fuck me fuck me…_

Berwald dropped the soap. His name. It was his name being moaned, which could only mean-

Well, it could mean that he had a creepy-stalker crush that he had never heard of, but he highly doubted that. He wasn't very attractive, or approachable. At least, not to anyone that wasn't Tino. It had to be Tino. He almost panicked a little as he tried to figure out how to react, and what to do. Should he stay quiet, and pretend like it never happened?...

Or should he take the more reasonable approach and find out if it _was_ Tino so he could soothe his aching erection (even ice cold water couldn't cure it). A few more moans made the decision for him.

"Tino?" He called over the stall. The moaning stopped instantly.

Was that Berwald? Tino would have cringed at the fact that someone had heard him at such a moment if it weren't for the possibility that the low, smooth voice really was Berwald's.

"…Berwald?" He replied, softer than the voice that called to him. He hoped it was still audible.

So it was Tino. Berwald was still nervous to a degree, but he did want to talk to him- something, anything- he just couldn't stand not talking to him when he was right there, moaning his name.

"Ya'alright?" He asked, feeling rather stupid the second after he said it. The soft, breathy laughter that rang off of the tile made him not regret it so much, he just loved hearing the Finn.

"Hah-ah… Well, it depends on what you mean by alright…" Tino said, a bitter-sweet smile plastered on his face as he leaned against the shower tiles and probably further damaged his poor wrist. No, he was not alright currently, head hurting from spinning with too many thoughts and feeling grimy, ugly, disgusting, sick and fucked-up but most of all aching for release- he may get just a little better in a moment though, if things went his way. He carefully pulled his finger out and rinsed it with the bar soap and some water before speaking again.

"Hei, Ber?" He said, as his voice dripped with something, softly.

"Ja?" Berwald replied, tentatively.

"Unlock the door to your stall." Tino asked, turning off the water in his own. "Please."

Under almost every other circumstance, Berwald would never take a request like that; it was just too fucking awkward. However, this was Tino. Tino changed everything. Carefully, he undid the lock on the door, but let it sit in place. Tino would open it if he was serious. He could here damp footsteps made by bare feet walking out from the stall next to him now, and in only a moment the door was being pulled open.

He didn't get much of a chance to think after that. Soft lips crushed against his own and suddenly there was Tino, pressed flush up against him. He knew that he was a romantic at this point, because the first thing he did was wrap his arms around the Finn and pull him closer. He wanted to hold him, even with his aching erection he wanted to hold him. Tino didn't seem to mind as he quickly poked his tongue into his Swedish lover's mouth and got closer.

The kiss tasted sweet, and Berwald melted into it easily. He was still dazed when they parted for breath, the shower-stall door still half open and water splattering all over the floor. Neither male could bring themselves to care though, because there were far more important manners to attend to- like some much needed touching.

The Finnish boy bought their mouths together again, and this time Berwald was reminded of his painfully hard erection when it was brushed up against. He let his hands wander the body before him, every slight curve and protusion- it was beautiful. He found his hands resting on pronounced hip bones before he slid one downwards to trace the outline of a soft thigh. This time when they broke for air, Tino had something to say.

"Ber I- I know this is abrupt kind of but-" Tino stopped, gasping for breath.

"But?"

"-I trust you. Do you trust me?"

Berwald nodded in response, before deciding a verbal answer would be better. "Yes." He said.

_You shouldn't. I'm not someone that you want to lov-_ "Then I hope you don't mind-"

"Go ahead." Berwald finished for him. He knew the other was worried about Berwald thinking it was too soon, because it was true that they had been going out for only roughly a month at this point. Hypothetically, the Swede would have said that it was too soon at this point, but once again it was Tino. They were both naked, both aching, and Berwald thought that he was kind of sort of starting to lo-

Tino kissed him breathless before he could even think again.

_I'm sorry, Berwald._

There were more kisses following that one, Berwald thought, or was it just one long kiss with little parts in-between? He couldn't really tell through his hazy thoughts, and he only finally comprehended that they had stopped when Tino very slowly took a step back (though not out of his arms) and started to kneel. Now the Swede's eyes followed him to the floor, so that the view he got was one of damp blonde hair and his own erection almost touching swollen lips.

_I'll make this worth your time._

Tino had heard things about giving a blow job, and so he wasn't ignorant. Inexperienced maybe, but not ignorant. Never be ignorant. He worried slightly about his gag-reflux, because damn Berwald was huge. No amount of practice on bananas and popsicles last summer ever prepared him for this size. Still though, he wanted to try. He had to when his boyfriend was right in front of him, horny and aching. He had to try.

Maybe he'd even-

So, tentatively, he gripped the base with one hand and the tip with the other before parting his lips and gently sliding it into his mouth. Teeth, careful with the teeth- he opened a bit wider to avoid scraping him. He let go of the head as it slid in and instead placed his hand on Berwald's thigh to steady himself.

A heavy groan fell from Berwald's lips, and he twisted one of his hands into Tino's hair in a weak attempt to keep his balance. His mouth… god, he had such a perfect mouth. He never could have even imagined that it would feel so good. It was barely an inch in yet, but it was sliding in further fast.

"Hn…" Tino moaned around the length, the vibrations striking his lover's every nerve. He managed to get about half of the length in before he bobbed his head back off of the length, only to take a little more in the next time. Slowly, he found a rhythm of bobs and sucks, earning a chorus of groans and gasps from Berwald.

"Tino…" He gasped out, to which the boy on his knees responded with a long lick to the underside of his shaft. The scene before him was surreal. His favorite masturbation fantasy was happening, was right in front of him, and was so much better than anything he ever hoped for. Pale eyelashes brushed over flushed and filled cheeks, and wet lips glistened with some strange mix of saliva, shower water and pre-cum. It was painfully arousing, and he bucked his hips forward for more.

It was definitely unexpected when about an inch and a half more of the erection in front of him was pushed into his mouth, and consequently part-way down his throat. Though he coughed the first few moments after, it wasn't at all unwelcome. It was nice to see the Swede react to him more. He tried his best to relax his jaw so that the other could continue to thrust his hips. The hand in his hair pulled him back and forwards, too, meeting the thrusts whenever they came.

This was face-fucking. Tino had always wondered if he would like it, what with his other 'interest', and it turns out he did. Very much. It was hard to breathe, and that was deliciously arousing. He moaned, pushing his face closer, trying to get just that little bit more that he needed. Let go, Tino. Just let go.

Though his head was spinning and he was barely thinking straight, the Swedish teen was thinking straight enough to know that Tino needed some relief, too. Reluctant as he was, he pulled out from the soft lips in front of him and took the other's face in his hands to look up at him.

"Wanna re-locate?" He asked, between breaths.

His head still spinning from lack of air; it took Tino a moment to process the words and their meaning. Re-locate. Re. Locate. That was a funny word… words… Re-locate. Like move, right? That might be a good idea, if they planned on getting any further than this, and Tino sure as hell did. He managed to stand up so that he could meet Berwald's eyes better.

"Yeah." He breathed. "I only have a towel, though."

"Ya can borrow my shirt.'

"Thanks."

The shower water was already running cold, and so neither so much as shivered when they stepped out onto the also cold tile floor. Berwald scrambled to get his clothes, wondering why in hell it was all taking so long. He still had a raging erection, and he would fucking die to have some attention given to it again- breathe, Berwald. Just breathe. The whole night's still ahead.

Throwing the shirt to Tino, Berwald yanked on his boxers and quickly ran back into the shower stall when he remembered his glasses were still there. They were probably horribly crooked when he put them on, but he could see enough to see that the shirt basically swallowed Tino's slender frame. One shoulder was left uncovered by the fabric, and the hem brushed over pale thighs. It was sexy.

"Come on." Tino urged, wrapping his hand around Berwald's wrist and pulling him out into the hallway. He was almost running, slender feet barely hitting the ground as he glided down the hallway. Berwald allowed himself to be pulled, although his steps weren't nearly as graceful. His feet thudded every time they hit the ground. It was a nice added percussion to the hollers of the hooligans from the drunkard room down the way.

They ran to Berwald's room, probably because they both knew how to get there (and Tino didn't want to go back to his room and face the earlier train-wreck). Once there, Tino yanked the door open and was promptly slammed into the wall by Berwald for a rough, lust-saturated kiss. Moaning, the Finnish teen wrapped his legs around his lover's waist, but not before swinging one of his legs out to hit the door shut.

"Hn-mm…" Tino moaned, quietly, licking at Berwald's bottom lip. His lips were glistening with saliva already from the heavy kissing before, and it smeared onto his Swedish boyfriend's chin sloppily. Berwald was too busy to notice or care, though, groping at Tino's ass while he held him up. It was soft, but still firm, and that in Berwald's mind was a perfection that he didn't know could exist.

The Finn broke the kiss and panted hard before gazing up at Berwald again. "Bed" he managed to gasp. "Move to the bed."

The Swede honored Tino's wishes and carried him over to his bed, lowering him onto the mattress and climbing over top of him. Wide, hazy violet eyes stared up at him, and for some reason it made him even harder than he had been previously.

"Hey." Tino smiled, fidgeting a little awkwardly. He had never felt self-conscious before with Berwald, but now was a different story. He no longer had the upper hand in this- this thing that was happening. He was maybe, maybe on equal ground if not a bit lower.

That really fucking scared him.

Gently, lips kissed at the crook of his neck, at his collarbone, and it drew a soft moan from his throat. Berwald learned quickly what felt good to him, and Tino appreciated that. He threaded his hands through choppy, short hair, and held the man's mouth to his skin.

Berwald continued to lick and kiss at the soft skin in front of him and wondered what he should do next. He was pretty sure the reason Tino and himself had came back to the room was so that they could go further, but he wasn't entirely sure. He wanted to be, though.

"Tino, whaddya want to-"

"Make love to me." Tino responded, before he could even finish the sentence. It would sound too final if he did, and maybe he would be more comfortable not knowing until it was over. As soon as the words left his mouth though, he wondered if 'fuck me' would have been a better choice…

_Love_. That was the first time in this relationship the word had ever been mentioned. Berwald only hoped that it wouldn't be the last and only. Slowly, he leaned in and kissed Tino's lips again, almost chastely, before pulling back and offering his fingers to Tino. "Dun have lube." He mumbled, shyly.

Tino nodded in understanding and took the larger hand in both of his own, pulling it closer to his lips. He tried not to think, just taste, feel. Don't think about what you're about to do, just do it. Don't think that you may actually end up lov-

Berwald groaned, panting as Tino's ever-skilled tongue worked on his fingers to get them lubed. It was good, so good-

Tino continued lick, trying to push the hand further and further into the back of his throat to the point where he was gagging and-

Pulling the fingers away from his lover's lips now, he leaned in and kissed Tino's temple gently, making him blush just a little deeper than he already was. "Ya'ready?" He asked.

Nodding, Tino moved his legs apart and leaned his head back. He kept his eyes closed, and he forgot to breathe for a moment. Dammit, he thought this would be easy… A tear slid from the corner of his eye, and he almost slapped it off of his cheek.

Furrowing his brow, Berwald leaned in and kissed both of Tino's eyes. "Look at me." He said, softly. If Tino was going to stop, now would be the time. He never wanted to hurt him.

Opening his eyes, Tino forced a smile and laughed his usual, ringing laugh. "S-sorry I'm just k-kind of a prude, I've never... Ah, g-go ahead."

It was his first. Berwald leaned in and kissed Tino's lips now, gently, before pressing a finger at the puckered hole. Tino took in a breath of air and nodded, gazing up at the Swedish boy with a set stare.

Gently, he slid his finger inside and almost gasped at the tightness. It was wonderful, and he wanted more of it. He started to gently worm the finger inside, deeper and deeper, causing Tino to moan. The Finn's cheeks were flushed and he was panting, eyes wide open now. It was huge, compared to his own hands, and whoever said bigger was better was obviously correct. He knew he was supposed to relax and loosen up, but he just wanted to clench around the finger and pull it deeper. He was kinky, and he knew it, and this was wonderful.

The sight underneath of him was erotic, and Berwald thrusted his finger a little faster. He was relieved that he didn't hurt Tino, and he loved watching him writhe for it. He wanted to add a second, so he pressed it at Tino's entrance and waited for a sign of either approval or disapproval.

"Hn, ye-aaah…" Tino moaned, softly. He bucked his hips forward, and Berwald took that as permission to slide the second inside. Tino bucked against it, panting and whimpering in enjoyment. It hurt slightly when Berwald scissored them, but he was a bit of a masochist and he knew it. He felt wonderfully dizzy, and eventually he felt another sharp stab of pain but couldn't figure out why. He just continued to moan and gasp softly, erection twitching painfully. He needed more.

Tino had to know that he was hot, legs spread so wantonly and cheeks so wonderfully red. He just _had_ to. Berwald couldn't take it anymore and kissed him harshly again before pulling back. "Ya think ya can take it?" He asked again, pleading, _pleading_ to whatever forces that would hear him that the answer would be a yes.

Nodding hazily, Tino opened his legs a bit wider for Berwald to be able to move in between them. He whined slightly as Berwald removed his fingers before pressing something much wider at his entrance.

"M'goin' in now…" He mouthed, not sure if his words even hit the air. There must have been some understanding, though, because Tino closed his eyes as though bracing himself and nodded. So, carefully and tentatively, he pushed in.

It was a perfect fit.

At least, to Berwald it was. Tino's walls hugged him so tightly, and the heat was bound to drive him insane. He grunted and pushed in the rest of the way, mentally apologizing if he hurt Tino but _oh fuck he just needed more-_

Tino gasped and cried out, the burning sensation so painful it was wonderful. He could definitely call himself as masochist now, he thought, as he pressed his hips against something that should already be breaking him open. "B-Berwa-ald!" He moaned, shakily. "Fuck, hard-er!"

There was no need to ask twice, and Berwald bucked his hips forward even more harshly than he had before, speeding up his pace. Eventually, they found a rhythm where Tino's moans made a wonderful crescendo as the sound of skin hitting skin acted as a metronome.

'Ah-ah-ah-aaaah.." Tino wailed softly, legs as wide as they could open without breaking. Berwald leaned in and captured the Finnish teen's lips, needing to be even closer than he already was while buried inside of him. He was so close. He reached down and gripped Tino's neglected member, stroking frantically.

If Tino could scream, he would have, but he couldn't even find enough breath to make more of a sound than a small cry of pleasure. His legs were shaking violently as he was being stroked, fucked, kissed, and he could feel tears of pleasure rolling down his flushed cheeks. He could barely keep his mouth closed, and if he still had enough coherency to be self conscious he would have been worried for drooling on Berwald's sheets but all he could think about was being pounded, touched- He wasn't sure what was happening when his eyes opened and all he saw was white, and all he felt was bliss.

At feeling the Finn's walls tighten around his shaft, Berwald was only able to thrust a few more times before his vision spotted and his entire body felt light. He may as well been flying, only this was so, so much better. He collapsed onto his lover now, holding him tightly as he rode out his orgasm.

Tino had no idea when he finally stopped seeing white. All he knew was that Berwald was holding him now, and the bed sheets were covered with all different things- sweat, cum, saliva- and that was when he remembered who he was, where he was. He was Tino Vainamoinen, laying in Berwald Oxenstierna's bed, and he had just been reduced to an absolutely disgraceful mess. So that was exactly why when Berwald cupped his face in his hands and gazed at him so kindly, he was puzzled.

"Yer beautiful." Berwald said, softly, kissing his forehead before he buried his face in the crook of the Finn's neck. Tino blushed, leaning his lips down so that he could kiss his head and felt cum dripping out of him when he moved- when had Berwald pulled out?

He slowly stroked Berwald's hair now, letting himself lay limp on the mattress. He would not go back to his room tonight. He would not go back and face everything he couldn't stand to look at- he would just lay here and accept what he had taken willingly.

And surprisingly, even after all the times he was called a fag, he didn't regret it.

* * *

><p>Author's note: Try as I did, this didn't get updated any faster, and I feel like a jerk for it. Like, a huge jerk. You guys are so good to me, following and favoriting and leaving all of those lovely reviews, and I appreciate every one of them. I know I missed replying to one or two (I like to thank you guys for the time), so if you're that person and you're reading this: I'm so sorry! I'll get to you next time if you review again, I promise!<p>

Anyway, an explanation (but not a good reason) for why this chapter was so late: First I was so so happy, and then sh!t hit the fan and I was hysterical, and then things got better again today. I'm still trying to recover from all of that, but I should be alright again soon. I do plan on trying to keep a less erratic schedule, I mean, if I can post early I will but I'll try not to wait too long again. This will be worked on more, I'm serious this time.

BUT. Now It is time for actual chapter related stuff: I worked really hard on this chapter, and I hope it kind of shows. I'm totally lying if I say I've never written a lemon before, and a few people could back me up on that, but this is the first full-fledged one I've ever posted. That being said, please go easy on me. I hope you enjoyed it a little, and if you didn't then I'm really sorry.

One last piece, I know I have no right to bug you guys about this, but I would really, really like it if my author-dom didn't die with this story. That's my derpy way of asking for people to at least look at my other stuff (there's not much now, but in the future...) So if you don't have the time (or just plain don't like me for the past few weeks) then don't, but if you have some time to spare that'd be great *hearts*

Go ahead, make my day- leave a review please~?


	9. Chapter 9

It was easier not to dream at all. No dreams meant no thoughts, no thoughts meant no ability to relate, no ability to relate meant no memories, no memories meant no recollections of things that he never, ever wants to think about-

But he did, anyway. He knew he would, he always would, because there was absolutely no way not to. He would always think, relate, remember, just like he always called father every week and made more memories that he didn't want to remember.

Violet eyes fluttered open before that could turn into another nightmare.

It was hard to move, Tino noticed, and it took him a good few minutes to notice why. Eventually though, he remembered that he was not alone in that bed, and that bed covered in saliva, sweat, and cum wasn't even his. It was Berwald's. And Berwald was laying on him, strong arms wrapped lazily around his waist and head resting on his heart. It was kind of sweet to see the usually semi-stern-faced man looking almost childishly content in sleep- but someone who is lying in a bed that reeks of sex certainly could not be childish.

For a moment, he contemplated moving. He thought about getting up and going to get a shower, or even just walking back to his room. For some reason though, he couldn't bring himself to entertain either idea. Not with Berwald's content, sleeping face. Not after what they had just done.

They had taken a big step, and Tino knew it. Sure, people like Gilbert and Francis probably didn't see it as much of anything, just a quick fuck, but Tino would never do one night stands and he knows Berwald wouldn't, either. So that made them bound together now, in some sort of way. Tino wondered if that meant that he'd have an easier time later, when he finally decided to see if Berwald loved him enough too-

Well. He just hoped that it would be enough.

He looked around the still-dark room for a clock. It could be mid-day for all he knew because it was always dark. The rooms had windows but most kids covered them in blinds or make-shift curtains, and Berwald was no exception. His eyes continued to scan the room, and eventually he saw a dim glow coming from the night-stand next to him and he could tell it was a digital clock. It was turned so that Tino couldn't see the numbers being displayed- maybe they bumped it last night while they were making their way to the bed.

Once his eyes adjusted to the dark a little more, he could make out a blurry shape of what looked to be Berwald's cell phone. Slowly, he extended one arm out (careful not to wake Berwald, of course) and stretched his fingers as far as they could go. They just barely touched the side of the device, but he pulled gently and eventually managed to coax the phone into his palm and grab hold of it. He bought it closer but tilted it slightly downwards, because if there was one thing he had learned the hard way too many times it was that looking into a bright phone screen after waking up was extremely painful.

Five-thirty. Too early, especially considering when they had went to bed last night. He couldn't guess an exact time, but he figured that it was late. Tino set the phone down and relaxed back into the pillow and Berwald's embrace more than willingly. It was surprisingly comfortable, and he was glad. He expected to be spending many more nights in here, definitely until school was over. He didn't even want to think about going home, though.

Trying again to think of other things, Tino's mind wandered to his own phone. He had left it in his room, and he had probably missed a call or a text. He hoped it wouldn't be the one time that his parents tried to call him, because _sorry I missed your call dad, I was just getting fucked by my hot Swedish boyfriend that totally I didn't tell you about_ was not going to go over well.

He was supposed to call every day, but that was one thing he had never been yelled at for not doing and he knew it was because they didn't really want him around anyway. He wasn't complaining about that, though. It was nothing to complain about, if anything it was a god-send.

Maybe Mom missed him, sometimes. He wondered about her, and how she was doing. They hadn't talked for two weeks, but it wasn't her fault. She'd been away taking care of a sick relative, Uncle what's-his-face. Or was it an Aunt? Or was it his Grandmother? Tino could never remember anymore, but that was okay. They never remembered him.

Anyway, his mother may have missed him. Sure she hadn't exactly rejoiced when she found out that Tino was gay, but she hadn't been nearly as cold to him as his father was. In fact, sometimes he thought she even tried to be supportive. It was a nice gesture, really, if it weren't for the fact that she still had her fingers crossed that this would only be a phase. It wouldn't be. Still though, Tino didn't resent her for it. She was probably mostly disappointed that she wouldn't get any grandchildren, but maybe he could continue to stay on her good side if he and Berwald adopted-

Wait, what?

He must be out of it, if a thought like that just kind of popped up out of nowhere. Sighing at his own stupidity, he reached up to his neck with his still free arm and fingered at the buckle of his choker. Stupid thing, it followed him everywhere it seemed. Summers, shower, sex- it was always there. It even followed him to class. It was only right though. He couldn't really last without it, anyway. It only made sense that it was there to witness his most intimate moment.

Sex with Berwald had been great though. He even forgot that he was wearing the damn thing, and that was not something that happened often. It kind of felt like he was flying, like he wasn't restricted so much anymore, and he liked that. It wasn't something he had felt for a very, very long time, not since the kiddy play-ground back home before dad knew he had problems.

He continued to fidget with it, wondering. Maybe, maybe he could… Slowly, he started to push the strap back out through the buckle. Wouldn't it be nice to- no. He couldn't. He couldn't do this, he couldn't fucking _cope_ without it. There was no way to. He hastily yanked the thing tighter around his neck again, apologizing internally for almost betraying it.

_Don't leave me alone like this_.

Nervously, he moved his gaze back to Berwald. He was bound to become another coping mechanism if Tino wasn't careful, and that would mean that he couldn't get rid of him because he needed one or the other or both, but he couldn't manage without anything. He needed something.

It was tempting to scream. _Look what you did to me, you made me your fucking whore-_ but this was Berwald he was thinking about. Berwald was gentle, kind, and there was absolutely no rationale to start blaming him for things that didn't even make sense, especially not when he initiated the night before. If anything, Berwald once again had the upper hand. Dammit he really needed to get back on top of things soon.

He must have shifted one too many times, because now a dazed, aquamarine eye blinked open to meet his gaze.

"Hei." He greeted, softly. Berwald nodded a little.

"Hej."

"Did I wake you?"

"Naw. What time'sit?"

"A little after five thirty."

"Nngh."

Tino laughed slightly at the groggy protest and Berwald scooted closer to him and re-adjusted his hold. The Finn took this chance to stretch a little (wincing when he felt his nether-regions aching) and then curled back up against Berwald.

"S'too early." Berwald grumbled.

"I know. Wanna go back to sleep for a while?"

"Ja. Lemme see m'phone…" He said sleepily, reaching over and pressing a few keys. Once he was done, he set it back on the dresser. "For a more reasonable hour." He explained.

Tino nodded. "Hn… sleep well."

"You too."

* * *

><p>They did eventually wake back up. Tino could barely sit up without wincing, and Berwald looked almost painfully remorseful for having been the one to have caused that. Of course, the Finnish teen only smiled his trademark smile and pecked his lips once he actually did manage to sit up a little.<p>

"Don't look so sad, Be. You were great." He praised.

Blushing now, the Swede only muttered a quick thank you before turning his attention back to Tino's plight. He had no change of clothes, and he could probably only barely walk if he could move at all. He opened a few drawers and pulled out an old t-shirt, and some boxers.

"Ah dunno how they'll fit ya, but here." He said, offering them to Tino. The shorter of the two took them gratefully.

"It's fine, I'm sure they'll fit." He assured, pulling the shirt overtop of his sweat-drenched body.

"Ugh. I can't promise they'll smell very good, though." Tino blushed, trying to laugh off his embarrassment. It didn't bother Berwald in the slightest. He liked Tino's scent, and he was actually sort of glad it would cling to his sheets for at least a few days- was that creepy? It probably was. But hey, he had heard worse before.

Now the Finn stared at the boxers, and then at his legs. Fuck this was going to hurt. Sighing, he shifted again and winced at the pain that shot up his spine. He yanked the boxers on quickly and stood up on shaky legs, so relieved that he could take the edge off of the ache a little.

It didn't matter how much Tino was going to pretend he was fine, Berwald felt terrible for having done that to him. He didn't regret their love-making, no, he just wished the poor boy wasn't in so much pain in the after math. Bigger isn't always better.

"Ah can carry ya'." Berwald offered, watching Tino test out his legs. Though he determined that he could indeed walk, Tino definitely wasn't going to refuse the offer.

"Can I have a piggy-back ride?" Tino asked, playfully, making Berwald blush a little.

"Ja." He responded, kneeling down and letting Tino wrap his arms around his shoulders and slip his legs around his waist.

"Ya' good?"

"Uh-huh." Tino responded with a slight grin, leaning onto the other's back.

At that, Berwald stood back up and hooked Tino's legs through his arms before starting to walk. If anyone thought it strange to see two boys piggy-backing through the hall, they made no indication of it. They had probably seen stranger after all. Tino made a short list in his mind:

Gilbert streaking.  
>Francis almost streaking (he always had a rose on his crotch; he said it was to remember someone).<br>Antonio in a Matador's outfit (it made his ass look great).  
>Arthur Kirkland in some strange parody of a toga, with angel wings.<br>That kid what's-his-name with an American flag sticker on his fore-head.  
>Alfred running down the hallway, screaming that the ghosts were after him (he was serious, unfortunately).<br>Feliciano Vargas half-streaking (he always only forgot pants) and being chased by Ludwig Beildschmidt and Vash Zwingli (Tino didn't know guns were allowed in school).  
>That kid what's his name again, this time with what looked like a real baby polar bear (Tino always wondered what kind of dog it was).<br>Ivan. Need he say more? (That could be a whole separate list in itself.)  
>A dildo laying in the middle of the corridor with a smiley-face on it, which was fondly dubbed 'herr-monsieur-<em>señor<em> smiley' by the bad-touch-trio. No one wanted to know where it came from.  
>Nikolai, completely stoic, being led on a leash by Mathias. (that could classify as some-what normal though, they were kind of known for their kinky sex life).<p>

Before the list could get too much longer though, they had arrived at the showers.

"Come in with me?" Tino asked, hopefully. He could kind of use the help. Berwald nodded, and bought his boyfriend to his usual stall and adjusted the water until it was at a semi-bearable temperature. After he was sure that Tino wouldn't freeze, he helped him to undress again before pulling off his own clothes and stepping in.

A soft sigh slipped from the Finn's lips as the water hit him, and he let it wash over his skin contentedly. He leaned against Berwald's chest for balance and stood still for a moment. Berwald took of his glasses and hoped that he wasn't blushing- Tino was just too _something_ for his own good sometimes.

After a few minutes, Tino grabbed at the soap and started scrubbing himself down, offering the bar to Berwald after a moment to do the same. The shower went quick, and it felt nice to be clean again. Not as nice as it felt to be dirty, but nice non-the less. They got out before the water went cold and redressed again before the Finn got onto his boyfriend's back again.

"Mind if we stop at my room before breakfast?" He asked. He really did want to check his phone, silly as it was. He supposed it was a nervous habit of his.

"Sure." Berwald replied. "They're still servin' fer 'n hour, we'll be fine."

So, Tino directed Berwald to his room for the first time. Before he could open it though, the shorter teen stopped him.

"Ah, it kind of looks like a natural disaster in there. Be warned." He laughed, nervously.

"S'fine." The Swede replied before he opened the door. It wasn't nearly as bad as Tino made it out to be, actually. There was a small pile of clothes in a corner, an over-turned book bag in the corner, and some papers with textbooks lying around, but for the most part it looked fairly clean. The bed wasn't made, but neither was his own.

Tino directed him to the night-stand, and then got off of Berwald and took his phone. Seventeen new text messages, all from Eduard. One call from Ivan, another from Feliks, and luckily none from his parents. Not bad, not bad. He could manage that.

He started to open the text messages, the other standing close to him, and read:

**From: Eduard**

**Tino, hey look, I'm sorry. I was in the wrong. We've been friends for a long time, let's stop this nonsense.**

**Received: 11:57 pm**

**From: Eduard**

**You're right, I was kind of a jerk. If you wanna go out with the guy that bad I'm behind you.**

**Received: 12:26 pm**

After reading few quite a few more similar texts, Tino smiled. So Eduard gave in first. Good. That saved him a lot of trouble.

Putting the phone down now, he resolved to chat with Eduard later to let him know they were on better terms again. It didn't ever matter if you told him that you forgave him, and it didn't matter if you told him that you didn't. If you showed him all was well, he would get over most things.

"Ber, help me with my pants." He said, opening a drawer and digging for a loose pair of pants. He hated wearing loose pants usually because they slid off of his hips way too easily, but today he really needed them. He would walk around naked if it weren't for the fact that there were other people besides Berwald about. After a minute of searching he found a pair, and the Swedish teen offered his arm to hold onto while Tino shimmied into the pants.

Once done, Tino got up on tiptoes and pecked Berwald on the lips yet again. "Kiitos." He said with a sweet little smile, and gave him a tight hug. He had to admit, touching Berwald was really, really nice. The taller hugged him back and kissed his temple gently, making Tino giggle.

"Breakfast?" Tino offered. Berwald nodded.

"D'ya want me ta carry ya?"

"I would, but I should probably try to walk." Tino grinned, sheepishly. He was kind of being a baby, relying on Berwald to move for him. So instead, he took the man's hand and made his way (slowly) down to the cafeteria.

* * *

><p>It seemed as though everyone knew what they had done.<p>

Stares and whispers seemed to come right at him from across the room, but he knew they weren't all for him. It wasn't even because they had had sex. It was mostly people gawking at the notion of him and Berwald together, even more so than before. Tino thought they made a nice couple, but for some reason a good amount of people seemed baffled by them. It almost made him want to laugh.

Eating his eggs, he opted to just ignore them until someone came at Berwald or himself directly. Unfortunately, that wasn't more than a minute and a half.

"HEEEEEY WALDY!" A loud, familiar voice called from across the room. Shit. Mathias.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Berwald braced himself as the Danish man came bounding over with Nikolai in tow.

"Waldy my man-"

"Dun' call me tha'."

"Waldy, my man, what is _up_?" Mathias asked, purposely ignoring the request with a grin on his face. Berwald groaned.

"Breakfast." He answered, hoping the other would just get bored. No such luck.

"Naw, don't mess around. Come on, I know someone who got laid when I see 'em, and _you_, Waldy, obviously had some great sex last night. I mean, not as good as me cause my baby's obviously the best but I mean I bet you liked it, ah?"

Nikolai surprisingly did not protest but cocked his lips and looked down at Tino as if challenging him to do better. If there was one thing the Norwegian wasn't afraid to flaunt, it was that he was damn good in bed. Of course, only Mathias would know (he wasn't a _total_ slut), but he had countless bruises from bites on his neck and shoulders to prove it.

Tino just smiled and offered a good morning, to which Nikolai replied to coldly, but strangely politely non-the-less.

While the other two had a near silent showdown, Mathias and Berwald continued to talk.

"Mathias, m'sex life's non a yer concer-"

"Why, of course it's my concern! Can't a guy see how his best friend is doing?" The Dane grinned, adding the last part in darkly. By best friend, he meant oldest friend- at least, if you could call them friends at all. Mathias had a strange idea of friendship, and Berwald preferred not to think about it too hard.

Opting not to say anything, Berwald let Mathias keep talking.

"Anyway, seriously man congratulations. Was starting to worry you'd die a virgin or something. That would have sucked, ah Nikki?" Mathias chuckled. He quickly turned back to Berwald though and rambled on about things to do in bed, gesturing wildly as he did. Berwald didn't even think porn stars did some of the stuff he was suggesting, but listened to placate the man.

Ignoring his boyfriend's question, Nikolai continued to stare at Tino. "Sore?" He asked, clipped and cold as usual.

"A little." Tino responded. No point in lying.

"Hn. I remember when it used to hurt." Nikolai said, staring off into space. It almost made Tino feel for him. Berwald was a considerate lover but Mathias- the man was probably a sadist or something when it came to sex, if the strawberry-colored splotches and blackened skin meant anything.

Was it strange that he was almost jelous?

"You'll get used to it one day." He finally finished. Tino wasn't sure if he was supposed to take that as a compliment or an insult, so he just stayed silent and waited for Mathias and Berwald to be done talking without another word from him or Nikolai.

* * *

><p><strong>To: Eduard<strong>

**Hey, sorry about that. Phone was dead, couldn't find the charger anywhere. Got it now.**

**Sent: 9:03 pm**

**From: Eduard**

**It's alright. Ya can borrow mine if you ever need.**

**Received: 9:03 pm**

**To: Eduard**

**Thanks. Got any further on that web design?**

**Sent: 9:04 pm**

**From: Eduard**

**Yeah, the site will be up soon**

**Received: 9:06 pm**

**To: Eduard**

**Cool. Hey- thanks.**

**Sent: 9:08 pm**

**From: Eduard**

**You're Welcome. Thank You.**

**Received: 9:08 pm**

**To: Eduard**

**Gotta get some sleep now. Talk to you tomorrow**

**Sent: 9:09 pm**

**From: Eduard **

**Definately. Good night :)**

**Received: 9:10 pm**

**From: Berwald **

**Good Night. Sleep well.**

**Received: 9:19 pm**

**To: Berwald**

**Good Night, sweetie :P **

**Sent: 9:20 pm**

* * *

><p>Author's note: AREN'T YOU PROUD OF ME? :0 I said a timely manner. Hope this was timely enough for you. I also hope it flows okay.<p>

Anyway, so I'm sorry that there was no sex in this one, but I felt it necessary to write the first morning after. After this, there will probably be smutty undertones in every chapter, and hopeful I can work in some real lemons and limes here and there.

Now, here's a warning: I have already started to write the next chapter. It is kind of graphic, Tino has some interesting things to think about, and some interesting things to do. I'm telling you now, if graphic things make you cringe, you don't want to read further. I appreciate the support from all of you, but if you feel like you'd get uncomfortable with a little (it's not that much, but still some) gore, you probably want to be careful. I won't blame you if you skip a chapter or stop reading.

If you choose to keep reading, the THANK YOU~! I love hearing from all of you, and there will be yummy smut for you next chapter.

I love reviews, they're like candy and rainbows and unicorns all consensed into a little text-box. Please leave one?


	10. Chapter 10

There was a monster under his bed.

It wasn't just under his bed, though. It was in his ear, in his head, and in his mind. The monster was going to eat him up. Yes, yes it was. It was going to cut him open through his stomach and strew him all over, liver and kidneys and all of those other icky little intestines. In fact, it would probably make them the main part of its feast. His skin could wait until later- or maybe he wouldn't eat his skin at all. No one could know that the monster feasted. Oh no. No they could not.

He would probably sew Tino back up, after he had eaten all of his insides. He would tell him not to upset his mother, now, and he mustn't let anyone think that something was wrong. If the child services or the nice police-man ever came to the door (how many times had he lied to them, again?) he must say there was nothing wrong. There was never anything wrong! Life was wonderful, beautiful, when you were so fucking hollow! He didn't deserve all of those organs, anyway.

What would the monster do with his other organs, though, his most personal ones? Monsters weren't faggots, they didn't eat boy parts. Maybe it would make Tino eat his own. Balls deep, it would say. Faggots like it balls deep. But Tino wouldn't swallow, oh no, he would never swallow. He would just-

Slender fingers wrapped around his neck and he squeezed, squeezed hard, squeezed until he fucking bruised himself and until- He was only gagging. It wasn't tight enough. Tighter. Tighter. Fucking tighter. He yanked at the strap of the choker now to help him, the corners of his eyes tearing as he bit his lip while he yanked.

Yes. Tight. He could feel his nasal passage and throat screaming for air as they were denied it, and his head started to tingle along with his toes. Oh, such a wonderful feeling to lose all consciousness! He would smile if his lips weren't wide open, trying to take in oxygen that they couldn't possibly get to now.

Eventually, slender fingers loosened without their owner's permission, and his lips twisted into a morbid, toothy skeleton grin as he slumped back onto the bed into unconsciousness. He looked like dead, lying there, but that simply couldn't be the case. After all, he mustn't let anyone think

anything

was

wrong.

He was fine.

Being unconscious was a beautiful thing. Monsters couldn't get you if you didn't think.

Eventually though, Tino came to. The monster was still there, and Tino was still horrified. How had that even helped? Usually it did, right?

Sure.

The monster probably watched him in his faux-sleep, watched him and planned where to make all of the little cuts and incisions for when he was ripped apart. Curling into a ball, Tino crawled over on to the corner of his bed and sobbed. _Please, please go away, please leave me alone._

He whimpered, burying his face against his still too big thighs. His stomach was churning, and Tino wondered if he let himself throw up now if he would maybe get a little closer to that flat stomach he had been wanting. Maybe then the monster would see that there was nothing more to take from him. Head spinning, he leaned over the side of the bed and dry-heaved a few times before he felt his throat burning in an ever-so familiar sensation. It wasn't as good as vodka, it was never as good as vodka, but it was something. It was supposed to be something. He winced when the cut on his lip stung before he spit a little, trying to get the rotten taste out of his mouth.

_See? Look what you made me do. See there's nothing even worth taking, so you shouldn't even bother with my-_

But all that was left to take was his icky-little intestines, though. The monster had already eaten him alive in every other sense; he had no _life_ outside of these damn walls. Before, he could never have friends because they would ask about the bruises on his arms, his cut and swollen lips and black eyes; he could never talk in class because then the teachers might like him and then they would worry about him and then the nice lady from child services would come to the door and Tino would have to lie all over again just like before. Lie and say he was fine, just fine, always fine, no, he wasn't missing anything important, he was just fine.

It wasn't before anymore, though. It was different now, or at least it was supposed to be. He knew people now; he talked to people, hell he got invited to parties and everything! But they didn't know him. They never saw the cuts and bruises from where glass shattered against his skin and where fists met his face- they healed up the first few weeks of school, usually- and if they did see, they'd never care anyway. If they cared then the monster would get them, too. The question was, would he eat them as a side-dish or invite them to help eat Tino up? _The more the merrier,_ he always said. Surely, there was enough of him to go around.

So, not wanting to risk either, Tino suffered alone as he let the monster tear his life to pieces, shattering a little every day he did. Just when he thought there was nothing more to lose there was always something and it cut him in a way that not even broken glass from bottles of Vodka could.

_You're a fucking faggot-_

Tino wailed, sobbing onto his skin. He knew he wasn't thinking straight right now. He had already hung up the phone, he had already heard the monster leave, and he wasn't here right now so why wouldn't it just leave him alone?

Shaking, he tried to distract himself. Think of good things- there was no way to do that. Feel good things, vodka, maybe you should drink some- no! Monsters like Vodka, too. Sensation, think sensation, there's surely sensation better than being drunk. Slender fingers ghosted over hip-bones before slipping even further down between his legs.

Tino moaned softly when he finally brushed over his length, stroking harshly. Focus. Focus on this. For some reason he still wasn't even the slightest bit hard. He reached up and touched the scars and the still sore bruises on his neck, pressing them so that they stung. Why wasn't this helping? It was supposed to help. It was supposed to make things better.

He stroked harder, trying to let go. Don't think, don't think about what will happen when the monster comes to cut you up and eat you, don't think about the way that he'll force you to help him-

His shaft throbbed painfully now, and Tino wondered if that was what his heart would feel like once it was torn out of his chest. Stickier was the first thing that came to mind. His heart would be stickier. Would it taste the same as a dick?

Horrified at the image, he stopped stroking himself and closed his legs. He needed to do something, anything to get away from this. He didn't want it, couldn't stand it, and he'd do almost anything if he could just be at peace for longer than an hour of being knocked out. Trying to think clearly now, he thought of things that he could do-

Berwald. He could go to Berwald.

With that hastily made decision, Tino stood up and about launched himself across the room, grabbing a pair of underwear and yanking a too-large t-shirt. His thighs were sticky now _does cum feel the same as blood when it-_ and he hurriedly pulled on the underwear over his still half-erect shaft before almost running to the door and down the hallway.

* * *

><p>Three in the morning was not when Berwald expected to be awake. In fact, he wasn't even sure what woke him until he heard the tapping at his door. Who the hell would be here at this hour? Groggily, he got up and staggered across the room and to the door before opening it a crack.<p>

"H-hei Ber…" A soft, breathy voice cooed, and he almost instantly recognized it as Tino. Tino? Why was Tino even awake right now? Berwald opened the door fully now, looking down at his lover. His hair was disheveled, and his eyes looked… they looked like something. He wasn't sure what, but the mixture of the dark circles and red rims under the violet pools didn't make him very comfortable in the slightest.

"Hej. Ya'alright?" Berwald asked, slightly concerned. Sure, it may just be a case of insomnia, but something seemed off about the way Tino was looking at him.

"Mmhm…" Tino mumbled, non-committal in his answer. "I was wondering, do you mind if we sleep together again? I don't want to sleep alone…" He almost whispered, a soft and melancholy smile gracing his features.

It almost broke Berwald's heart, the look that was on his love's face right then. He looked so tired, so beaten, so subdued- it was enough to make Berwald gather him into his arms and scoop him up so that he could cradle him to his chest.

"Ya never hafta sleep 'lone 'gain if ya' dun wanna." He murmured against the crown of Tino's hair, pressing a light kiss against it. Tino sleepily leaned closer and yawned, nudging against Berwald in response. It earned him a few more kisses and some comforting circles rubbed onto his back.

"I might take you up on that offer." Tino said, voice still light.

"Go 'head." He replied, turning a little to push the door closed with his foot before he carried the Finn back to his bed. He lay Tino down on the mattress before crawling in next to him, once again meeting with those tired eyes. It was almost horrifying to see Tino- his usually sweet, happy Tino- like this. He wasn't entirely sure what this was, but he knew that it wasn't right. He was sure of that much. He opened his arms then and pulled Tino against him again, rubbing his back slowly. He would stay up until he knew that Tino had gone back to sleep, he would rest easier that way.

Pressing closer, Tino breathed in Berwald's scent. He knew it was irrational, but he enjoyed it very much, and right now it was hugely comforting if not also slightly arousing. He was still half-hard, and he didn't plan on going to sleep without _something_- he just couldn't cope like that. So, slowly, he wrapped both of his thighs around one of Berwald's and pressed against him, moving his lips up to the man's jaw.

"Berwald." He cooed, pressing up against the man a little more. The Swede sucked in a breath when he felt something poking against his leg, and the breath on his jaw was making him a little hot himself.

"Ber… I'm horny…" Tino whined, quietly. There shouldn't have been anything more that needed to be said. He didn't want to talk much longer, talking meant thinking, and thinking meant that-

"Hn… that so…" Berwald mumbled, not knowing how to respond. Tino still seemed off, so off, but he couldn't deny himself his own wants. He knew what he wanted to do, and that was to relieve his now aching shaft, but for some reason his words couldn't convey that correctly. Maybe it was guilt for being aroused right now, or maybe it was shame for being so insensitive, but for whatever reason words were failing him and threatening to fuck up a perfectly good opportunity. So, instead of trying to explain himself, he reached behind Tino and groped at his ass through the underwear.

Grateful the Berwald wasn't asking questions, Tino pressed into the hand and grinded against it, moaning softly as he did. "Hn..." He whimpered, aching even more now than before. Berwald continued to grope and rub at him, and the Finn just arched closer to the touches and kissed his jaw.

It was great to feel that tongue against his skin, and it made the Swedish teen grope a little harder before reaching his hand up to the waistband of the underwear. He could feel the other nodding against his skin, and with that as permission he pulled the garment down to about the Finn's knees. Moving his hand back up the back of Tino's thigh now, he managed to coax a soft moan from his lover again. It was tempting to grope at Tino's butt again, but he knew that he should really be a better boyfriend and pay another part of his body some attention. So, he ghosted his hand around the other's hips and found his member, starting to wrap his fingers around it.

Tino flinched, almost yanking his hips away. Images of blood and throbbing internal organs still plagued his mind, and he was desperate to get away from them. He didn't want Berwald to stop though, he couldn't stop now, right now Tino really needed him.

"Finger me." He whispered, before Berwald could really recoil. "Please."

Berwald, slightly confused but still horny, tried to pause long enough to think. They had only really had sex once, and he didn't know what Tino did to get himself off- maybe it was normal? He had never thought that it could be enough for anyone, but maybe it was enough for Tino. So, huskily, he leaned in to breathe into Tino's ear. "Lube." He murmured, pressing his fingertips at the Finn's lips. No time was wasted as large fingers were taken into the hot, wet mouth, and lubed generously.

It was amazing, having that tongue working on his hand. Berwald couldn't quite figure out how Tino managed to move the muscle so carefully and deliberately, but he didn't much care as long as it continued to make him feel so damn nice. He grinded against Tino's thigh before removing his fingers from the soft lips and giving him a deep, lustful kiss.

"Ya' ready?" He asked once they parted, panting slightly.

"Please." Tino gasped out, now aching for touch. He was not going to be able to go without anything for much longer.

Not needing to be asked again, Berwald moved his hand back to Tino's ass and groped for a few moments until he managed to find the tight, hot hole. He pressed a finger at it as a heads-up, but Tino didn't want to wait. He bucked against the hand with a soft whine, and at that Berwald pressed the digit in.

A mix of a moan and a sigh was drawn from Tino's lips, and his eyes fluttered as he relaxed into the sensation. Berwald's hands worked wonders on him, it seemed. He felt the finger moving around inside of him and let out another small wail, panting slightly. He was pretty sure it brushed his prostate, and he tried to squirm against it. He wasn't disappointed when another finger pressed his way in, and he tried to relax his muscles to allow it further.

"Hn-nngh, Be…" He moaned, letting his head rest against Berwald's chest. His hair was sprawled over Berwald's skin and his bangs were caught in his eyelashes, making it extremely hard to see anything in the already dark room. Berwald's hands, his heartbeat, the way he was panting a little himself while he pleasured Tino- it was enough to drive him completely mad, but in the most pleasant of ways.

The moan only egged Berwald on, and he started to thrust his fingers now instead of just wriggling them. It earned more gasps and moans from his lover, and he pressed in even deeper with each thrust. He felt himself aching as well and started to grind against Tino's thigh. It was dirty and desperate, and he could feel his own pre-cum slicking the skin that he was rubbing against, but he couldn't bring himself to stop. He needed release.

"Hah- aah- aah…" Tino almost sang, arching his back so that his thigh pressed more against Berwald's length and so that he could get more of Berwald inside of himself. He was seeing stars if he was seeing anything at all, light-headed and losing himself completely. Berwald could feel himself getting close, and he captured Tino's lips in a hard kiss. He could feel the Finn panting heavily for air, but he just needed to kiss him. He wanted this act to have some semblance of love in it, whatever that may have been.

He was choking. He was getting fucked, and he was choking and _oh god _couldBerwald read his mind? It was exactly what he had been wanting for, and he found himself holding his breath while the kiss continued so that his head would start to feel that familiar tingling sensation-

He was barely conscious when he came, and the only thing that registered in his brain was a dull, pleasurable sensation.

Berwald eventually broke the kiss when Tino came and bucked his hips against his lover a few more times before he released as well, covering the Finnish teen's leg in his seed with a heavy groan.

"Tino!" he managed to gasp out, collapsing next to him and pulling his fingers out of the tight hole. Strong arms wrapped around his lover, pulling him close. The other didn't reply, but he hadn't expected him to. They were both spent anyway. Instead, Berwald started slowly and gently rubbing Tino's back, content with basking in the afterglow.

He was pretty sure that he had heard his name being called. Where? Why? There was a warm feeling on his back, and he relaxed into it. Was he conscious? Was he dreaming? There was really no way to tell. His lungs seemed to have stopped fighting him, though. What had he been doing before this? He was having a hard time remembering anything. It wasn't long before his body gave up and fell into sleep.

* * *

><p>When Berwald's alarm went off that morning, it was almost painful for him to reach over and turn it off.<p>

His entire body cried from lack of sleep, and he knew that sitting up was bound to make his head spin and make his stomach nauseous. How long had he even slept? Probably not long at all. Tino had come to his door at some point after midnight, but he couldn't keep track of how long they had spent awake after that.

Violet eyes were gazing at him now, and Berwald wasn't even sure when they had opened. All he knew was that his lover seemed to be fighting to keep his eyes open, and they almost looked bloodshot- but only almost. Tino always seemed to have some grace about him, and bloodshot was not a graceful word.

"Hej." He murmured, dumbly. He wished he could say more than that, or even _think_ more than that, but he really couldn't. Tino just nodded a little in response, shifting on the mattress but making no move to sit up.

"Ya okej?" Berwald asked gently. He felt kind of ill himself, but Tino's well being took priority over his own in his mind.

Tino seemed to have to think about his answer, or maybe he was like Berwald and had to process his words, but eventually he shook his head. No. He was not okay.

"Ya sick?" He asked again, still just as gentle as before.

Once again, there was a pause before Tino nodded, slowly, almost unsure of himself.

"…Ya don't know if yer sick?" Berwald spoke, trying to help him. This time, Tino nodded more quickly. Poor thing, he probably wasn't sure how to describe sleep-deprivation.

"Okej. Ya' wanna go ta' school today?"

He knew the answer was more than likely to be a no, but he wanted to know if Tino was at least able to think clearly enough to know that he needed rest. If he didn't, Berwald would have to convince him to take the day. Luckily, Tino shook his head rapidly, cringing and pulling Berwald's sheets around himself.

Berwald, though grateful for the answer, almost felt a little bad suggesting the idea now. He leaned down and pressed a kiss against Tino's slightly clammy forehead, taking a smaller hand in his own and rubbing the palm with his thumb.

"Ya wanna stay here?" He offered. Tino nodded again, squeezing Berwald's hand. His lover's lack of speech kind of worried the Swede. Was he really that exhausted, or feeling some nausea, perhaps?

"Ya' can, s'alright." Berwald soothed. "Ya wan' somethin' ta eat?"

Tino shook his head again, and it worried Berwald even more. He had to eat eventually. Maybe he was even sicker than Berwald had initially thought.

"Ya' feel nauseas?" He asked now. Tino kind of tilted his head, as if confused. Not wanting to take any chances, the Swede got up and looked around for a bucket just in case. He eventually found it in the closet, next to his shoes. It used to be Mathias's hang over bucket when they still hung out together, but now it would belong to Tino. It still reeked of Clorox from the last time Berwald had sanitized it, and he hoped it wouldn't be too strong for the Finn.

"Here." he said, placing it close to Tino, but not right in his face. "If ya start to feel sick jus' grab it."

Tino nodded again, and he reached out for Berwald's hand. The taller man let him have it, and his lover pressed a soft kiss against his palm before his eyes started to close again. Berwald knew that he wouldn't have time for breakfast at this rate, but he couldn't bring himself to pull his hand away until he was sure that Tino was once again safely asleep.

* * *

><p>Instead of his own screaming, he woke to the sound of silence.<p>

It was a mildly melodramatic statement because he only screamed sometimes, but waking up to just _silence_, no voices in his ear or in his head was an accomplishment. He breathed in a deep breath of clear air, and for some reason it was incredibly satisfying. Maybe because it smelled good- like Berwald.

Tino's eyes fluttered open slowly. Yes, he was in Berwald's room still, thank goodness. For some unreasonable reason, it felt safer here. It could have been anything, really, but Tino was lying if he tried to deny the fact that Berwald just made him feel secure- at least a little more than he usually was. Logically, he should feel secure wherever he was that wasn't his home, but here was the safest place. That was rational, right? There were no people from child's services asking him questions that he couldn't answer, no school counselors asking him questions that he didn't _want_ to answer.

It was just that easy to fool them all, though. Sometimes he wondered if he was really that good at hiding things, or if they were just that good at not seeing things that they didn't want to see. Could it really be that he painted such good illusions, using smiles and well placed laughs and assurances of _oh, I'm kind of a klutz, don't worry, nothing's wrong-_

He highly doubted that he was that good- but maybe people were just dumber than he thought.

That was a painful thought to think, but somehow its bitterness felt rawer and truer than anything else he could have talked himself into believing. Slowly, almost mechanically with the way his bones ground against each other, he forced himself to sit up. He could see Berwald now, sitting on the edge of the bed, near silent as he worked on the papers in front of him. It made Tino wonder how long he had sat there, being silent and confined to the edge of his own damn bed in his own damn room because his boyfriend was an inconsiderate bastard.

It honestly made him feel guilty.

"Hei." He said, catching Berwald's attention and making him put his work down.

"Hej." Berwald responded, turning so that he faced Tino now instead of the wall opposite the bed. Really, his stare could be considered terrifying. His aquamarine eyes always held such intensity, but for some reason the Finn loved being on the receiving end of that gaze. Maybe he was a masochist. But sometimes, when he looked back at him, he saw something in those lovely eyes- something indefinable, yet completely intoxicating. He never missed a chance to drink it in.

"Thank you." Tino said, looking to the side. He didn't know what he was thanking the Swede for, and he wasn't even sure if he could explain it if he tried, but he owed him a thank you for something. He could figure out that much.

"Yer welcome." Berwald responded, lips pausing while parted as though there were something more to say. There were so many things that he wanted to ask. 'Are you okay' seemed way too vague, and 'what are you thanking me for' or 'what happened last night' both seemed almost rude.

The Finn also seemed to sense the need for something hanging in the air, but he didn't have the words to fill it, either. Instead he just shifted forward onto his knees and crawled over to Berwald, wrapping his arms around the man's shoulders and straddling his lap. He was welcomed, the other's arms wrapping around his waist.

Peaceful wasn't an adjective Tino was able to use often. Usually his head was spinning way too fast with monsters and all of the stupid people that he had to pretend that he was happy to be around day by day- but right now, he really wasn't thinking about any of that. All he thought about was Berwald, and the way he could kind of hear his heart beat if he listened close enough. He pressed his ear against his chest so that he could hear more clearly.

Nothing right now was feigned. There was no pretending to be fine, no having to force a smile onto his lips that didn't belong there, Berwald was there even when he was sad- and he didn't force him to lie about it. He just comforted him. Held him. Touched him. And for some reason, it made him-

"Love you." Tino murmured against Berwald's skin. Maybe it was irrational, not thought out, impulsive, pre-mature, but Tino couldn't really stop the words from slipping past his lips and out into the air.

He didn't regret it, though.

Berwald's heart felt like it had stopped, even though Tino could hear it beating faster. The Finn looked up at the taller man now and scooted so that their lips connected, and in a matter of seconds a tongue had pressed inside of the shorter teen's mouth, ravaging him. It was good, dizzying, and when they parted for air Tino's mouth was still open slightly.

"I love you too." Berwald responded, pronouncing every word carefully and clearly. He cupped Tino's cheek gently, stroking it with his thumb and making their eyes meet again.

Berwald was really too kind to him. Hell, the way he _looked_ at him was even different than the way everyone else did. For once he didn't feel like he was a specimen on a cutting board, waiting to be sliced open by some monster or raped by the millions of eyes that he was on display to. It made him crush their lips together, pull Berwald down over top of him and opened his legs so that he could give him all he had because Berwald was the only one who deserved it.

* * *

><p>Author's note: It wasn't that bad, right? I warned anyone who was squeamish ahead of time not to read, but I honestly don't think that it was that gory- maybe a little disturbing, but hopefully bearable. I guess it's all in how sensitive you are.<p>

So, long time no see, hm? I'm really sorry about that. You see, I almost lost my muse for Choke. Don't worry, I'm not dropping it, never planned to, but let me tell you it was difficult to move forward. Seriously, it was fucking terrifying to write on this thing because it felt like I botched everything up every time I added a sentence. Every time I sat down to write, nothing would flow correctly and I ended up deleting paragraph upon paragraph of work because it all sounded so _bad_. That being said, I give a huge thank you and lots of love to m'wife for helping me get things back on track.

I sincerely hope that you enjoy this chapter. Really, I did my best on it and I hope that it still flows as nicely as the last few chapters did.

Reviews rock my world so hard, you wouldn't believe it. Please leave one if you can~


	11. Chapter 11

Slowly, Tino's belongings made their way into Berwald's room.

The first time wasn't much- a couple of shirts, some pants, and a cell-phone charger. He had really thought nothing of it. Day by day though, more and more stuff came. Textbooks would be bought in, and trinkets that may have held some importance ended up on the bedside table almost decoratively. Though he said nothing, Berwald found it extremely, extremely pleasing. Not quite as nice as having Tino in his bed now every night, but still very, very nice. Really though, being able to hold the pretty body in his arms while he slept was a category all in its own. There was just something about the way the Finn's cheek rested against his collar bone, and how the soft, smooth small of his back was just a perfect resting place for the Swede's hand.

Slowly, they stopped getting changed for bed.

Berwald would undress Tino. Tino would undress Berwald. Sometimes, oftentimes, they made love. Passionately and desperately they moved together, both frantic to bring the other to a mind-numbing high. Sometimes though, they just kissed. They made love with their eyes, aquamarine boring into violet pools, and they kissed. Nights when Tino was too tired, nights when Tino was too weak, nights when Tino stepped outside with his phone and came back in with red-rimmed eyes- they would just kiss, because even if they were too exhausted to do much else neither would be able to sleep without something.

Slowly, they began to say 'I love you'.

It had started that one evening of delirium and incoherency, and it sounded like what beautiful sounds like. Berwald treasured it, replayed the sound over and over in his head and tried not to look too hurt when Tino didn't repeat it for another few days. Eventually, though, he said it again. It was said softly and cautiously, as though there was some judgment looming ahead, but it was said. When Berwald responded it was firm and sure, and somehow that seemed to give the other enough strength to say it again the next day. And then the next. And then the next. And then the next. And then next and next and next eventually became every.

And so their routine was formed, days spent with hands clasped together and nights with limbs intertwined. People started to take them seriously. The critical stares eventually just faded into a few nods of acknowledgement, and eventually the rumours about the two somehow lost their luster and urgency. Neither minded- if anything, it was a relief. Let the rest of the world move around them, they would stand where they were. So, when they were approached by Mathias (and Nikolai, obviously) in the cafeteria one not-so-particular morning, neither bothered to try and mask their surprise.

"Hey Waldy!" The conversation started, punctuated by a grin from Mathias and a glare from Berwald as Mathias slid into a free seat. Nikolai promptly took the seat next to his boyfriend, pouting and making it quite clear that he had no interest in their being here.

"Whaddya want?" Berwald asked, annoyed hoping to get rid of the Danish teen as soon as possible. Tino continued to fork at his breakfast, hoping to avoid confrontation.

"Jeez Waldy, not even a good morning? Well, I didn't want to talk to you anyway- I'm here for Tino." He said, still grinning.

With a sigh, Tino looked up from his food and met Mathias's eyes. "What is it, Mathias?" He asked, still tired from a late night and slightly sore from a very long session of lovemaking.

"You'd say we're friends, right Tino?" Mathias asked, thousand watt grin still burning bright. Nikolai almost dared Tino to say the wrong answer, cold sapphire eyes boring holes into the Finn's head. Luckily, Berwald answered before Tino could even open his mouth.

"Mathias, he isn't gonna help ya' clean up whatever ya' did in the chem lab." The Swede said, wrapping a protective arm around Tino.

"Relax bro; I wouldn't expose him to any toxic waste." He laughed, but then let his face shift into a more serious gaze. "But that's not what I want. Answer the question, Tino."

Shit. Tino hated these questions. He was always half-tempted to say something cold, bitchy, snarky, mean- anything but yes. It wasn't personal in Mathias's case, it was just… well, honest.

"Yeah?" He answered instead, eyes pretty and innocent as usual. If he could have seen himself in the mirror, he would have been nauseated.

"Great! You should come to Gil's party tonight- bring your boy-friend, I know ya' won't come without him." The Dane said, as though said boyfriend weren't _right there_ next to them.

Well. He did like parties. It was hard to explain- he enjoyed the energy, he supposed, even if he didn't really enjoy everyone who was there always. Still though, he did like parties. He hadn't been to any in a while, now that he thought about it.

"Alright. Sure." He agreed. "And I will be bringing Berwald, you guessed right." He added, somewhat protectively. He knew Mathias could be kind of a dick-head from time to time, and he almost felt like it was his job to protect Berwald from the harsh judgment of these people in this place that didn't know anything about him. Maybe it was silly, but Berwald did plenty for him- couldn't he give back some, even if just a little?

Mathias just laughed. "Hey, I called it. Anyway, be there at nine- I don't think Antonio will be awake from his _siesta_ until then, and everyone knows Gil and Francis won't start without the guy."

Tino just nodded and Lukas seemed to have grown impatient. A sharp poke was given to the Dane's cheek, who looked over to his Norwegian lover with a goofy grin. It earned an eye roll.

"I'm hungry, idiot. Can we get food yet?" He clipped. Mathias smiled a sly grin, chuckling.

"What babe? Wasn't the pølser enough for you?"

"Mathias, despite what you may believe, your dick is not magical-"

"Your trolls don't know _shit _about my-"

"-nor does not have the ability to sustain human life. And don't refer to it as food again, or I will castrate you." Nikolai said, looking dead serious. It was actually kind of creepy, Tino noted, and Berwald seemed to think the same. Mathias was the only one who seemed un-fazed.

"Kinky." The Danish male grinned.

"Mathias-"

"Will you eat it?"

"MATHIAS." A warning tone from the Norwegian, and hearty laugh from the Dane.

"Relax babe, you know you're just fun to mess with- and I know you love it too much to even try. Come on now, let's go."

Nikolai rolled his eyes and stood up, gratefully, and Mathias wrapped an arm around his waist affectionately and pressed a kiss against his head. Nikolai had since stopped his struggling against the touches long ago, but still huffed a little at the public display. He turned and started to walk away, Mathias by his side.

Berwald watched the two go and then met Tino's eyes, who smiled sheepishly.

"I know, I know, they're kind of a handful." He offered, brushing a bit of hair back behind his ear. Berwald nodded.

"Ah know. Used to be friends."

Tino looked up at Berwald now, curious. "Really?" he asked. They were hard enough to deal with for him, someone that they maybe kind of liked, but for Berwald? He had kind of inferred that they had a not so pleasant history.

"Yeah. S'not important."

Though Tino knew he should believe him, he couldn't. Had they been close? Did they laugh together? Did Berwald ever miss the two of them? Was that why he was a loner before they started going out? It made Tino's heart pang a little, and he leaned over to kiss Berwald's cheek.

"We don't have to go tonight, if you don't want to. We can just say I'm sick, and they can't argue with that." Tino offered gently.

But Berwald shook his head and took Tino's hand, gently rubbing the palm with his thumb. He knew Tino wanted to go- who was he to deny the beautiful boy?

"S'okay. We'll go." He responded.

Nodding, Tino smiled a little. Berwald was sweet. He did feel slightly guilty about dragging the man into the situation, and so he replied gently.

"Alright. But look, if you're uncomfortable just tell me- we'll find a way out."

And at that, the two went back to their meal, and ever so calmly went about their day.

* * *

><p>The mirror told him that he looked good.<p>

Damn good, if he did say so himself. Skinny jeans always did look nice on his legs, and the shirt hugged him in all of the right places and none of the wrong. The choker still held his neck in a vice like grip, but he knew that he wouldn't be using it tonight- not tonight. Tonight was a night to relax. He spun around a little, squeaking when a strong pair of arms wrapped around his waist from behind.

"Cute."

"Eh wha?" Tino asked, tilting his head to look at Berwald. Surely he hadn't heard that right.

"Cute." Berwald repeated again, almost insistently. This time, it earned a smile from the Finn and a small laugh. It seemed so out of place for the man to use the word, but it was actually kind of sweet- even if his poker face did make it seem all the more outrageous. Instead of trying to form an immediate reply, Tino stood up on tiptoes and kissed the other's lips gently before he spoke.

"Hn. Ready to go?" He asked, taking Berwald's hand. There was still time for him to opt out- the Finnish male wouldn't blame him if he did. Mathias was a handful when sober, even worse when drunk, yet worse when he was around Gilbert, Francis, and Antonio, and hopeless if Nikolai let his inhibitions slip too. Still though, Tino couldn't deny that it was fun- even though sometimes he could barely remember what had happened when he finally came to.

Berwald didn't seem fazed, though, and simply nodded. "Ja."

So after a light peck to the taller man's lips, he led him out of the room and down the hallway corridor. Gilbert's room was a considerable walk away, but it wasn't hard to hear the racket coming from the silverette's room by the time they were only half-way there. If Tino hadn't already known where the room was from previous gatherings, he could have just followed the sound. When they got to the door conversations could be clearly heard through it.

"Kesese! West, you really need to loosen up! Come on, enjoy life for once!" A familiar voice urged, and Tino just laughed a little before knocking.

"Wes- oi, hang on west. YO WHO THE FUCK'S THERE?" Gilbert called. Typical greeting from the albino to almost anyone- it made Tino wonder what Roderich saw in him.

"Gilbert, its Tino." He responded simply.

"Ah, o-"

"IS WALDY THERE?" Another familiar voice chimed in. Berwald cringed.

The door opened before either could respond to reveal a partially disheveled Prussian. Some buttons on his shirt were undone, and his hair was a little more tousled than usual. Still though, he was definitely sober for the moment- if there was one thing the albino could do, it was hold his liquor.

"YO! So I see you both came for the awesome me? Well, get the fuck in here! Oh, Tino, Vodka's all yours. I don't even know how you like that shit."

Laughing, Tino walked in, pulling Berwald with him. "How could you not?" He countered.

Gil shuddered. "Tino, fucking Ivan drinks that shit. That should tell you something."

"Hey, hey, no-" a voice from across the room interrupted. The Finn looked over to see Feliks in Toris's lap sitting in the corner, probably previously having been engaged in some heavy petting. "We're like, totally not discussing that creep right now, right Liet?"

Toris agreed, and when Feliks noticed that everyone was now looking in his direction he shrunk back shy as ever, burying his face in the crook of his boyfriend's neck and shoulder. Gilbert shrugged, but did drop the subject- Ivan was pretty fucking creepy in his book anyway. Now fully in the room, Tino looked around for a spot for Berwald and him to sit. He was pretty sure he'd end up on the Swede's lap, but it didn't seem like it was going to be much of a problem. Every other couple in the room was hanging on each other, and Tino had done more than just sit on Berwald's lap before. This was relatively tame.

There was a spot near Mathias, but Nikolai was currently in the process of giving the Dane an improvised lap dance and Tino was pretty sure the Norwegian would sic his trolls on him or something if he interrupted. The other spot was in between Francis and Ludwig, which was a slightly safer bet- but only slightly. While Ludwig was responsible, Francis definitely wasn't the safest person to be around.

Ah well. It was still safer than risking Nikolai's wrath.

"Hey guys." Tino greeted with a smile, pulling Berwald so that he ended up in the open seat.

"Hello Tino." Ludwig greeted, looking up from his beer.

"Bonjour, mon ami~." Francis almost cooed, eyeing up the Finn. Berwald looked over at the man, annoyed. He knew the French teen was a pervert, but somehow it still shocked him how blunt he was in his pursuits- especially when he was _right there_. Tino was either oblivious or didn't care, though, because he simply leaned in and kissed Berwald's cheek lightly before speaking again.

"I'm getting a drink Beh. I'll be right back." He announced before turning around and going in search of the vodka. Berwald wanted to ask why the hell Francis was staring at Tino's (glorious) ass (not like he hadn't done it once, but still- Tino was his now), but the Frenchman started the conversation before he could.

"I suppose Tino isn't so, shall we say, pure anymore now is he?" He chuckled, blue eyes sparkling like the red wine in his glass. Francis was known for snubbing cheap drinks- he'd rather bring his own pricy wine (sometimes spiked with something) with him. He took a sip, waiting for Berwald's response.

"S'none a yer business."

"Oh, relax mon ami, I already know what you two did- well, do. Everyone knows. Really, did you think it wasn't obvious? I can smell l'amour in the air! I can taste it!" He laughed, gesturing wildly with his free hand. Berwald was beginning to wonder how intoxicated the teen was; he was pretty sure that usually he scared the French boy pretty badly.

"Oh, I remember when he was set on 'saving his innocence' and whatnot- so much for that; it looks as though you certainly destroyed his resolve. I don't blame him- after all, such a stong, handsome young man is enough to make anyone-"

"Francis." Ludwig warned, sensing Berwald's inability to control the drunkard and the fact that he obviously wasn't used to being in these settings. Francis's usual harassment was one thing, but the German teen knew that Tino would definitely start a scene if he found that Francis had been trying to seduce his boyfriend.

"Je suis désolé, mon ami- I digress. But really now, how was he? Come now, you can share with me, I am quite well versed in all matters of l'amour."

Berwald stayed silent, unsure of how to respond. What the hell was he supposed to say? It wasn't like he went around bragging about his sex-life. That was more Mathias's thing. Francis took another sip of wine and leaned back, smile on his face.

"Come now, no need to be shy. You don't think I've heard raunchier? Your friends over there," He gestured to Nikolai, still grinding on Mathias "would certainly tell you otherwise. Besides- Tino seems so… oh, what's the word. Maybe- no, not quite. Ah…" he paused, struggling for words.

"Chaste." He finally finished, satisfied. "Yes. He seems chaste. Surely you're lovemaking is gentle, non?"

Berwald never got a chance to respond, because at that moment Tino came back over and took a seat in his lap, kissing his lips lightly before speaking.

"I found it~" He announced, showing the bottle before taking a swig. Francis chuckled.

"Oui, we can see that." He assured the Finn, who just grinned and took another sip.

That night, Berwald learned something about his lover. He could drink a lot of Vodka very quickly, and hold it very well- for a considerable amount of time. He carried on quite a few conversations, and he was still coherent enough that Berwald wondered if there was even alcohol in whatever he was drinking. It made him remember the day that they met, the drunken stagger the pretty Finn made towards him. It made him curious- how long had he been drinking that day to have gotten to that state?

He found himself wrapping his arms around Tino's waist almost protectively as things went on. It felt like hours had gone by but the clock told him that it had just barely been forty-five minutes. Shit. If he wanted to get out, he should probably tell Tino now before he was too drunk- but that would be inconsiderate. He looked so happy, relaxed and chattering on about whatever topics came up. It made the Swede resolve to keep his mouth shut and let his boyfriend enjoy himself for the night. More people came into the room- the Vargas siblings eventually came, Kiku Honda and Heracles Karpusi following, and later still Alfred came in dragging an only mildly reluctant British teen behind him.

Things started picking up as the alcohol started to take hold of everyone (with the exception of those who hadn't had anything to drink) and Berwald couldn't help but notice Tino's voice was just a little more slurred than earlier and he was swaying rather strangely in his lap. His ass brushed against Berwald's crotch every time he moved, and it made the Swedish teen's breath hitch every time it did. He tightened his grip even more on the Finn's waist, desperately trying to compose himself and not let Tino know that his grinding was starting to get to him. Of course, he was failing rather miserably, and Tino was sure to make him aware of that by turning around to face him and giggling.

"Hei Ber." He cooed, reaching over to stroke Berwald's cheek. The Swede blushed and looked to the side, which only earned another bit of laughter from his lover.

"What's wrong sweetie-?" He hiccupped, swaying a little. "Do you need something?"

Berwald couldn't quite meet his eyes. He had a fucking boner in front of about fourteen other people not including Tino- yes he needed something. He needed a cold shower, or a minute alone to fix it, or to get the fuck out of here. Francis seemed to sense the moment and chuckled, deciding to add his two cents.

"Mes amis, the closet is free- you might want to claim it before your friends over there decide to take advantage of the moment."

Perking up, Tino got off of Berwald's lap and grabbed his wrist before dragging him towards the open space, yanking him in and shutting the door almost gingerly. From outside Francis and Mathias shared a laugh, even though the others were mostly too immersed in their own activities to notice the others' disappearances.

Taking the initiative, Tino leaned in and kissed Berwald as he backed the man against the wall. He tasted vodka-bitter even with his normal sweetness, and it made the Swedish man a strange mix of guilt and nervous excitement. This- this was definitely raunchy. The closet didn't lock or anything. Hell, he wasn't sure if it was even entirely shut. Tino was probably drunk out of his mind, and it made Berwald wonder if maybe he was supposed to be a better person than to take advantage of the pretty little Finn. But even if he was, it wasn't like he could stop now. He wrapped his arms tighter around Tino, running his hands over his waist, over his thighs and hips and ass while they kissed.

Tino actually wasn't that drunk- he didn't think so, anyway. The room was just spinning because the earth was spinning, surely he wasn't that drunk… He was still somewhat coherent in his thoughts, right? At least, he thought so… he knew he was in a closet somewhere, and he knew that this was dirty. He also knew that it was common. How many of his companions had gone into this closet, some even leaving the door open half-way, to scratch an itch that was probably alcohol induced and fueled by peer pressure to _just fucking do it, we're all cool here._ Oh, it was common, yet here he was doing it for the first time, while the room spun round and round and round. Here he was dragging poor Berwald into it with him, making him do dirty things- he decided to hide behind the vodka on his breath instead of trying and rationalizing any further.

"Hei Ber…" He whispered, once they broke the kiss. He licked behind the man's ear, earning a shudder from him. "Let me," a hiccup "help you out there…"

Slowly he leaned in kissed the Swede's lips again, tenderly, and almost apologetically, before pulling back again and stroking his cheek. Moments later he took his hand off of the teen's cheek and dropped to his knees in front of him, face level with the fly of his boyfriend's jeans. Berwald's chest was heaving, eyes hazy and unsure as he looked down at his lover. Tino would never know that though, he didn't dare look up. Instead he reached out and undid the zipper, popping the button on the jeans and letting the erection that sprung from the boxers be his encouragement.

Taking a breath he leaned in and licked the head, eyelashes fluttering almost elegantly against his cheeks. He could already taste the precum leaking from the slit, and slowly he pressed his lips against it before he ran his tongue under the length. Berwald's breath was noticeably faster, and he could tell that the man was biting back a moan while he sucked at the base of the cock. He hummed slightly in response to the muffled sound, which made the Swede cave and gasp out slightly. At that, Tino licked back up to the head and teased again, just barely grazing it with his lips.

Dizzy, Berwald twisted his hands in Tino's hair and tried to press him closer. He was short of breath and pretty sure that he would suffocate if Tino didn't stop teasing. The reaction made Tino giggle a bit as he pressed his tongue against the head again before wrapping his lips around it and coating the throbbing tip with saliva. Sucking slightly, he looked up at Berwald for his reaction before he took any more in.

The shimmer of light that came through the too-big crack of the door spread across half of Berwald's face, but even without the light Tino could see the way that his head was thrown back as he bit his lip. With another soft hum, he bobbed his head further onto the member and continued to suck, returning his focus to the task in front of him. It was amazing how his inhibitions started to fade away as soon as he started; maybe he was even more drunk than he had initially thought. Good for him.

Popping the girth out from between his lips, Tino felt saliva strings still connecting it to his mouth as he gave another long lick over the length. He was pretty sure if the light could hit down where he was too the throbbing organ would be shimmering with a mix of saliva and precum- even in the not-so-dark it almost looked as though it was. Closing his eyes halfway he opened his mouth again and sucked it back in, bobbing his head just a bit faster. No need to go so slow- Berwald had been good, after all.

Soft sighs from Berwald and hums from Tino continued, and Berwald had no idea how much time had passed before he started to realize that he wasn't going to last too much longer. Tightening his grip in his lover's hair, he bucked down Tino's throat and released, groaning softly as he did. The Finn swallowed quickly, not missing a beat or even so much as gagging while he did. When he was sure that Berwald had fully rode out his orgasm he let the cock slip from between his lips and tucked it back into his pants, zipping them back up and kissing the fly before he shakily stood back up.

"Hehehe… Hej." He giggled, smiling a little. Berwald tried to catch his breath, nodding to Tino in response before he could actually speak.

"Hej." He replied quietly, wrapping his arms around Tino's wait and holding him close while he tried to comprehend what just happened. The door… the fucking door…

Tino took his hand and started to stagger towards it, but Berwald picked him up and cradled him so that he could carry him instead. For some reason, Tino burst into a strange fit of drunken laughter while Berwald carried him back out, earning grins and thumbs up from the bad touch trio.

"Hehehe…" Tino giggled, head spinning. That felt great. Fucking great… everyone else had to know surely, or else why would they be so happy too? Oh, wonderful…

"Ber," a hiccup. "Ber…" another hiccup.

"Su-san?" Kiku asked, a hint of concern in his voice. He had never quite taken to dropping the honorifics off of names, but he had taken to making even stranger nicknames for people. Sometimes Berwald wondered if it was from those shows he watched. "Su-san, is he alright?"

"Su-," another hiccup from Tino. "Su-san!" He giggled.

"Ahm takin' him back to the dorm." Berwald replied, earning a nod from Kiku and a slight groan from Gilbert.

"Aw, come on man! S'only midnight!"

"He's drunk, he can't even walk straigh'."

Gilbert shrugged. "Whatever man. Later! Next time maybe have a drink or five, kesesesese! You'll enjoy it more."

Not even wanting to think about next time, Berwald turned and hurried out of the room, a drunken Tino still mumbling incoherently as he moved down the hallway back to their dorm.

Meanwhile, Francis chuckled. "They put on a nice show, non?"

"Pfft. They could've done better." Lukas clipped, rolling his eyes slightly at the comment.

"Actually, I'd day that was pretty good for a first." Antonio commented, grinning and rubbing Lovino's waist. Lovino pouted, but commented in typical Lovino-fashion.

"The tomato bastard's right- they weren't bad for all of you fucking voyeurs." He hiccupped a little and Antonio laughed, cuddling him closer.

"Kesesese you're just jealous because the little bitch showed you up tonight!" Gilbert laughed.

"Seriously Nik, you gotta admit he did a good job rolling with it." Alfred said, only to be punched in the arm by the sad drunk clinging onto him. He grinned and whispered something presumably dirty to the British teen that of course no one else could hear because Mathias spoke next.

"Babe, you're still the best- come on, we all know that." He soothed, nuzzling the Norwegian's collarbone. "We're just saying the kid didn't crash and burn, ya know?"

"Oui~ I'd say we'd have them again, non?"

"Ja." Gilbert agreed, grinning.

"Si~!" Antonio chirped.

"Whatever." Lukas replied, rolling his eyes and leaning onto Mathias. Idiots.

* * *

><p>"Su-San, I'm tired." The burnt-out teen whined, wrapped up in Berwald's arms and held against his chest. "I'm so tired…"<p>

_I know._ Berwald wanted to say. _I know._

"I'm so," a soft hiccup, "tired Be-eh."

_I'm sorry,_ he wished that he could say. _I'm sorry that I let you get so tired._

For some reason, his lips wouldn't move. They stayed set in a firm line as he carried the Finnish boy back to the dorm room, wondering why in hell he hadn't just taken his offer to pull the sick card. Was he being so inconsiderate, trying to let the Finnish teen have what he wanted and instead not noticing that maybe, just maybe, he didn't want it at all? Maybe Tino wanted him to be stopped. Maybe he _wanted_ him to say no. Maybe he knew exactly how he got when he was like this, and expected Berwald to keep him from it. He really fucked up this time, if that was the case.

He breathed in a shuddering sigh and held his boyfriend more tightly to him as he started to unlock his door, and he was pretty sure that the beautiful boy was mumbling something onto his chest but he just couldn't make out what it was right now with so many other things that he was supposed to figure out. Was tonight all his fault? Was there even a way to stop it if he wanted to?

The door swung open slowly and Berwald carried the Tino into the room, gently sitting him on the edge of the bed and kneeling down while he took the boy's shoes and socks off. The Finn promptly fell backwards, unable to hold the upright position, and gave a small sigh when he did. His eyes fluttered closed and Berwald helped him upright again once he was finished, stomach churning all while he did. This was so, so wrong. How the hell did it get so far?...

Tino smiled a dazed smile when he blinked his eyes open and saw Berwald, giggling a little bit as he did. "Hei Ber…" He breathed, and then giggled again.

"Hej." Berwald mouthed back, unsure of how else to respond. Even as he stabled the boy he could feel him swaying in his arms, ready to fall the second he let go of him. He moved behind the teen and let him lean against his chest, and Tino snuggled against him and smiled a little.

"Hnngh… you're warm…" he mumbled against him. Berwald stroked his head gently, the throbbing in his chest panging more and more each second. Dammit. _Dammit_.

"I'm tireeed these clothes are," a hiccup "tight…" the Finnish teen whined again.

Slowly, doubting his self control, Berwald let his hands move to the hem of his lover's shirt and slowly tugged it over his head, revealing porcelain skin and earning a soft sigh from the Finn. His eyes were fluttering between half-open and not-quite closed, and Berwald almost wondered if he was asleep or still semi-conscious (or as conscious as one drunk could be, anyway). He moved his hands down to the tight jeans that still hugged the pretty boy's hips and unbuttoned them with shaking hands, having to almost peel them off more than anything. Tino laughed now, hiccupping every now and again.

"Hnngh… where am I?..." he mumbled, before laughing again.

How the hell could he not know where he was? He was with Berwald, in Berwald's room, because they were dating and he loved him- but would he really spend the night somewhere else, if Berwald hadn't carried him here? He didn't want to believe it. Tino was his, sweet and perfect and pure- wasn't he? Francis even said so, they all seemed to say so…

Unless they were all a bunch of filthy liars.

Somehow, he was afraid that he could almost believe that. Tino was still swaying slightly, humming incoherently, and Berwald found himself pinning him to the bed and kissing him, biting at his lips while he did. Tino made a small noise of surprise but his jaw was too slack to really move, and eventually he relaxed into the kiss. Berwald let his hands roam the lithe, naked body under him, groping and squeezing and trying to keep him right where he was.

"Ah love ya'." He panted when they parted and moved to the Finn's neck to start to bite at it, leaving big, dark bruises as he did, marking him his. Tino was _his_ lover, and he sure as hell wasn't sharing with anybody. He had been chosen by the beautiful boy, hadn't he? Didn't he deserve to keep him, having been chosen above all of the rest of those filthy bastards? They would never know how to _love _him, surely. Only he knew how to do that. He moved to his jaw now, leaving a mark right where the neck and the bone connected. Tino moaned softly and let his head roll a little, whimpering softly whenever the teeth dug in just a little harder than they usually would have.

Large hands found their way to supple thighs and parted them, holding them open as he moved in between them. Tino was his. He proved it every night, and tonight would be no different. He fumbled as he unzipped his fly, kissing the other again while he did. Tino kissed back this time, sloppily and uncoordinated, and Berwald rubbed the Finn's length a few times before he slipped his fingers downwards, pressing one into the tight, hot entrance. This earned a soft cry, and even as he worked the finger around inside of the hole it still felt tight.

Tino, still in a drunken haze, squirmed around and mewled as he felt the strange, but familiar sensation. He twisted onto his side, panting a little at the probing. He should be used to this. He found himself arching into the sensation after a few more minutes, letting it happen, and sighing a little while it did. Though Berwald tried his best to be patient eventually the anxieties he played over and over in his head got the better of him and he removed his hand and replaced it on Tino's hip while he pressed inside, sheathing himself completely in one hard thrust. It caused a breathy moan to escape his lover's lips, and as it did the Finn lost his balance and fell belly-down against the mattress with his cheek pressed against the pillow.

He looked so beautiful laying there, eyelashes fluttering with half of his face pressed onto the bed. He could have been mistaken for an angel if it weren't for the way the pretty body tempting Berwald to thrust, satisfy himself, and put all of those silly insecurities to rest. Or maybe that was what made him look all the more angelic. How was he to tell such a thing? All the Swedish teen knew was that he needed relief. He moved, watching his length disappear into the tight cavern in front of him and then re-emerge, only to be taken back inside a mere half-a-second later. It was absolutely maddening. Tino's sighs, moans and cries were muffled against the sheets as he went, and he couldn't decide if he felt aroused by the sounds or disgusted by himself for why he was causing them.

What Berwald couldn't see was Tino's own half-hardened arousal against the sheets, smearing pre-cum against the material for every thrust that rocked him against the bed. He could feel a phantom burn, but everything was just so muffled right then. The earth was still spinning fast, and the faint pleasure from every brush against the fabric was a rather enjoyable, pulsating warmth. When he came it was slow, oozing and crawling over the sheets, and he wasn't even sure when he had climaxed. When Berwald came it was violent, cum splattering inside of the Finnish teen and filling him to the brim. He took a few shuddering pants and breaths before he pulled out, reaching under his lover and finding his hand to hold.

"_I love you."_ He said, as clearly as he possibly could, kissing the back of Tino's shoulder as he caught his breath. He could feel his eyes welling with moisture, and he closed them as he took another shuddering breath in.

"Hn I love you too, Ber..." The Finn mumbled, sleepily and dazed and drifting into unconsciousness.

The second he was sure that Tino was asleep, Berwald let himself cry.

* * *

><p>Author's Note: So I'm alive. Yes indeed I am. And, I have decided to pick this back up.<p>

So, before I do anything else, I just wanted to say thank you. To all of you. Really, you guys are great, and I missed you all. I really appreciate the support you guys gave me when I took my little break, and to those of you who my story struck a cord in I'm glad that I could strike that cord. I love knowing I can connect with my readers.

Now that you all know I love you (yes you) I'd like to talk a bit about the story. As much as I hate the idea of revising things I have already put up, I have revised the end of this chapter and I am in the process of revising the next chapter. This is the only time I will do this. I did it because I felt they were inadequate, and some people kind of insuated that I was right. So, I did something about it. Now that I have done this, though, I need to ask a favor:

As you all know, I love reviews. Knowing you guys enjoyed my stuff is like gold, and whenever someone leaves concrit I'm happy that they cared enough to help me improve a little. But listen, I really don't like it when people wangst over a plot twist, or a character's action. I write it that way because I have a story I'd like to tell, and that's just the way that it needs to be told for me to feel like I've done it justice. I missed enjoying story-telling for the fun of it and not worrying about letting people down. I can only please so many people, and while I'd love to please you all the crushing reality that I've realized is I just can't. So, from here on, I'm not changing anything else. If you don't like it then I'm really sorry, and I hope you find something else that you can really really get into. If you do stay and enjoy it a little, thank you- it means more than you'd know~.

(Hope that didn't come off too harsh, I just needed to say it to move on. ^ ^;)

So, that being said, I think I'm ready to try again. The next revised chapter will be up soon, and the new one should be up faster because I'm trying to type a little every day. Also, a special thanks to MeinBritishBroski, Angel Yori, Magoo-Tora and LostHazelEyes for being lovely and there even when I was being a loser and not typing much, and SwedishHoeBag foe the mention in her fic.

I don't know how many of you can leave reviews because I know that someone told me you can't comment on a chapter you've already commented on, but I have no idea what happens if I resubmit either. But if it's possible any reviews, PMs, etc are always loved and welcome!


	12. Chapter 12

The rotten taste in his mouth (a mix between morning breath and what felt like vomit in his throat) taunted him, and reminded him that he wasn't just falling into sleep but falling out of it.

In vain, Tino shut his eyes in an attempt to pretend that he had never woken. With a small whimper he tried to roll over and get more comfortable, but winced and stopped when pain shot up his spine again. Fuck. Right. He should know why he was hurting. His still foggy mind struggled to bring back the memory. They went to a party last night. He wasn't stupid, he remembered that much. He even remembered some of the party, actually- the vodka, the closet, the entire room knowing what went on- but he struggled to recall much of what happened after.

Obviously they had gotten back to the room somewhere along the line. Then… And then… Reluctantly he made a move to sit up and almost shrieked. Fuck! He didn't even remember their first time being that painful. What the hell happened last night? Did Berwald fuck him with a beer bottle or something? He couldn't seem to remember anything. His mouth still tasted painfully sour, and he couldn't stand it. He spent some time debating whether to stay in bed or get up and brush his teeth, and in the end staying in bed was the more do-able option. He swished the taste in his mouth a little before he swallowed, the burn more bitter than the shit-grade vodka he had first learned to swallow back home.

The alcohol he had consumed the night before that left his head still spinning in this so muffled morning almost definitely had something to do with the hurt that he was feeling right then. Memories of the last time this happened- the schoolyard, a drunken proposal, the pain killers that he swallowed dry while he smiled and thanked his boyfriend-to-be- all came flowing back to him, and there was something almost bitterly familiar about the whole thing. Would they repeat this dance over and over for every step further in this relationship that they took? He hoped not. Then he would be just like that fucking monster, and there was no way in hell he could even consider asking Berwald to stay with him if it turned out like that.

He was pretty sure that they had sex last night. He remembered a closet, the light streaming in from the open crack in the door, but everything else seemed so blurry. How far had they gone? Did they wait until they got back to the room to go further? For the life of him he couldn't remember. Right then all that he knew for sure was that he was sore, and that he had a killer hangover.

Desperately, he tried again to retrace his actions. He remembered being asked to the party, and he remembered talking with Berwald before agreeing. He remembered getting dressed, walking to the room with Berwald, and then he remembered drinking. He even vaguely remembered the first few conversations he had. But right as he took Berwald's wrist in his hand and dragged him to that closet, his memory gradually faded. The last thing he remembered was the start of a blow-job. He didn't even remember the end of it.

With a resigned sigh, he rolled over to look at Berwald's sleeping face. He looked almost peaceful even with his so naturally stern features, and Tino found himself reaching out to stroke the Swede's cheek gently. He was such a good lover. Such a good, kind lover. He shouldn't be with such a sick, sick person. He sighed, reaching his other hand to run over the choker. What he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. At least, he hoped it wouldn't.

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><p>When Berwald woke, he found Tino already awake and staring down at him almost gently. It made his gut wrench, and wished that he had woken first so he would have had some time to formulate an excuse for why he did something so god-damn <em>stupid<em>. He struggled for words, but it was all in vain. Those violet eyes bore into him, making it harder to even think.

Slowly, carefully, Tino leaned down and connected their lips in a chaste kiss before pulling back again and taking a soft breath in.

"I'm sorry." He said, his eyes on his hands as he spoke. "At the party, what I did last night… I was a complete whore."

Berwald's heart made a sharp pang in his chest, and he felt his throat constrict almost painfully. Tino was apologizing. _Tino_ was apologizing? What did he have to apologize for? He never did anything wrong. No, it was him, the lecherous, opportunist boyfriend that owed the beautiful boy an apology.

This was so backwards.

"Yer not a whore- yer perfect." He said firmly. "An' ya' don' have anythin' to be sorry for." _Not compared to me._

"I do so. Ber…" The Finn sighed softly. "Look, I don't remember everything that happened. I was drunk out of my mind, and you at least have to let me apologize for that. But besides that, I think I know what I made you do... you know, in that closet…"

"Ya' didn' make me do anythin'-" Berwald argued, but was cut off by Tino.

"Don't say you did it on free will. It won't make me feel better; it'll make me feel worse."

"Then whaddya' wan' me to say?"

"That I'm right- that I'm a whore. That I'm sick-"

"Every single one'a those's a lie. Ya' were drunk- people do weird stuff when drunk."

_I do weird stuff even when I'm not drunk._ "But I let it happen, and I made you uncomfortable."

"You didn't. They did."

"But I was the one who let you be around them."

"But ah went anyway. Tino, Ahm not upset with ya' fer anythin'. If anyone did anythin' wrong, it's me." The Swede insisted.

"You? What did you do wrong?" Tino asked. "You didn't do anything."

"Ah took advantage of ya'."

"Once again, I was the one who initiated everything. You did nothing but let me- I should be thanking you for that, actually."

"Not tha'."

"Then what?" Tino asked, as if daring Berwald to come up with another way to word it.

"Ah bought ya' back to the room an' I took ya." The Swedish teen said a little louder. "Ya' were drunk outta yer mind an' I made ya' take it."

Tino was silent now, staring at his lover, contemplating. Berwald, confused, tried again.

"Ah took ya'. When we came back to the room. I took ya'." He said. Maybe, if he could have forced the words out of his throat (which he couldn't), he would have said fucked. But fucked was such an ugly, loveless word. Still though, he couldn't have said lovemaking- lovemaking was consensual. But taken- that was the truth, really. Selfishly, he had taken.

Still though, his words were met with a vacant stare from the Finn.

"Fer fucks's sa- ah took ya'. I was inside a ya'. I came." He elaborated, still unable to swallow his shame.

The Finn stared at him, still unable to respond. He knew Berwald was talking about sex- sex that he again probably initiated (he wouldn't put it past his drunken self to do so), but he didn't remember that part. He didn't remember any of it. He didn't even remember if he had- oh, fuck. What if he let 'it' slip?

After a few painful minutes of silence, Tino looked to the side and swallowed, pulling at a lock of his hair. "I don't remember that." He offered, timidly.

Berwald's heart almost shattered. Tino didn't remember. Tino didn't remember touching him, or being touched- fuck. He wished that the Finnish teen remembered, even if it meant remembering how horribly wrong it has been. At least then he would remember that they were together and that Tino was supposed to be _his lover_- Was he that forgettable?

Tino's throat almost closed on his own. What the hell did they do? He needed to know. He needed to know if Berwald knew that Tino was a sick little boy that liked sick little things and-Fuck not yet not yet not yet. He couldn't know yet.

"Ber," he asked softly, barely inhaling. "What did we do?"

The Swede felt his flood banks breaking, and his vision blurred as he spoke, softly and quietly. "Ah took ya' back to the room after ya' sucked me. I undressed ya… An' ya' were beautiful-" He felt his voice cracking. "An' then- then ah kissed ya an' ah…" He bit his lip hard in a vain attempt to will the tears that started to roll down his cheeks to stop their descent.

"Berwald." Tino soothed gently, wrapping his arms around the man's shoulders and pulling his head against his chest. He planted a kiss in his hair and swayed a little, not sure if he felt sick out of nervousness or guilt. He knew this day would come. He didn't want to hurt Berwald- he never wanted to. It was just like him to fuck everything up.

Taking a shuddering breath in, the Swedish boy continued. "An' then ah touched ya, an' then I was a selfish _bastard_ an' ah took ya' because I love you!" He babbled, semi-incoherently.

"I love you too Berwald." The Finn crooned, feeling his own guilty-relieved tears slip. Relief he still had his dirty little secrets safe. Guilt for having to hurt the other so badly to confirm it. "I promise I mean that... oh, baby… it's okay…"

And then Berwald clung to him and cried, cried because he came so fucking close to losing the boy he loved more than anything in the world and he didn't know how else to react; and then Tino held on and cried, cried because he shouldn't be feeling relieved and because he hated himself for hurting the only boy that cared about him and because he finally couldn't lie to himself that he had gotten in deeper than he should have.

* * *

><p>Their lovemaking became almost frantic in the weeks after. At any time of the day desperate kisses started against tables, chairs, lockers, and led them stumbling back onto their dorm room wall, floor, bed where they groped, stroked, connected and did whatever else that they needed to get some relief. When they lay next to each other after the afterglow, the second that Tino managed to form words he always thanked Berwald for , let him know that <em>yes, he remembered that one, <em>and he wasn't going to forget again. Even though they touched almost more than they had before, they spoke so drastically less. I-love-you's were used for comfort, and thank-you's became a routine, but no other words were spoken beside the occasional utterance of a lover's name. But really, that wasn't speaking. Not at all.

Hypothetically, they could speak. They had so much time during those nights, those nights that they didn't sleep because last time they had slept they had woke to some strange, strange world and both were too afraid to do it again- but they just didn't speak. They were silent, touches still their only means of communication. The silence didn't last, though- and quite frankly, Tino wasn't bothered by that. There were couples that did not speak because they did not have to, and couples that didn't speak because they could not- Tino certainly didn't want to find Berwald and himself ending up the latter.

"Ber?" He cooed one day during a walk- it was a Sunday, and they had made their way into the town park so that they could take a walk without being interrupted by any school-nonsense. Berwald stopped and tightened his arm around Tino's waist a little more, meeting his eyes.

"Mm?" He prompted.

"Tell me something about you. Anything." He couldn't stand the silence anymore- hell, Berwald could talk about paint drying for all he cared. He just needed to talk about something.

"...Ma's a carpenter." The Swede said, after a moment of thought. He wasn't sure of what made Tino want this so suddenly, but he wasn't complaining. It was a step forward in his book, even if they had never talked much before. It actually wasn't that he hated talking, he had realized upon being with Tino. He just hadn't had much a reason to talk before then, minus some political debates here and there and the school debate team his freshman year.

"Oh? Is that where you picked it up from?" The Finn asked, trying to move things along.

"Ja. Used to mess 'round with the scraps a' wood in the shed. Made toys 'n stuff."

"Aww, that's cute! Do you still have them?" Tino asked, eyes sparkling a little in amusement.

Berwald shrugged a little, but nodded ever so slightly. "Somewhere 'm sure. Jus' dunno where. I'll look fer 'm next time 'm home if ya want."

"If it's too much trouble, don't- but if you can it would be nice."

"Not any trouble."

"Alright. Thanks." The Finn said, smiling softly. Berwald just nodded.

"…When I was little, I used to try and cook. I was really bad at it, actually, but it was kind of fun." Tino offered, trying to keep the silence broken. They had spent far too long silent already.

"Used to cook a lot. Ma worked late, 'n she'd be too exhausted to do it."

"Oh…" Tino trailed off, slightly unsure of how to respond. Poor dear- He didn't want to come off cold but he didn't want to hurt the man either.

"Dun feel bad- it doesn't mean anythin'." Berwald soothed.

Tino nodded, but didn't speak. He seemed at loss for words- a rarity with that one.

"What else'd ya' like to do when ya' were little?" Berwald asked, somewhat awkwardly. He was almost as bad at keeping a conversation going as he was at starting one, he thought bitterly.

Luckily, it managed to get Tino to stop looking so sad. His lips curled into an almost mischievous grin and he laughed a little, brushing some hair behind his ear. "Well, basically half my child hood can be summed up in one word… _Muumi_."

That left Berwald with the strange urge to scoop his lover into an almost smothering embrace. Tino… Tino and Moomins…

It was too fucking cute.

"Eh, Be? What's with the face?" Tino asked, tilting his head slightly. Berwald looked strange right then, his cheeks pink while he bit his lip, and it took him a while to realize that his usually so-stoic boyfriend was blushing.

"Aww, Ber!" The Finn giggled, grinning. "You're blushing!"

"Mmnn…" Berwald maybe acknowledged, looking sideways sheepishly and trying not to meet the violet eyes. Pouting when his gaze wasn't returned, Tino jumped up and threw his arms round the other teen's shoulders, causing both of them to topple backwards onto the ground as he lost momentum. Eyes widening as he fell, the Swedish teen realized upon hitting the ground that it would have been far easier to just return the Finn's gaze.

"Heh- you're cute when you're surprised Ber." Tino smiled, laying on his side next to his lover. It was true. It made Tino's gut wrench to think that one day he might actually hurt him-

Cupping Tino's cheek, Berwald pulled his face closer and connected their lips in a semi-sweet kiss as a reply, successfully cutting off Tino's train of thought.

"Mm-hn…" Tino moaned softly into the kiss. He parted his lips slightly, letting Berwald take charge. It was nice, this moment- for some reason he felt like he had been missing it for a long, long time. He shifted his body closer to the other without breaking the kiss, wanting to feel more of his warmth. There was something about Berwald- something so quintessentially soothing- that just made him melt. And that was fucking terrifying, because that meant he may actually not be as in control as he thought, and that meant there was something for him to lose- something that might actually be able to hurt him in the end. He dug his nails into the man's shoulders and clung as though it would keep him there forever and pressed closer.

Strong arms wrapped around Tino's waist in response, and one hand rested against the small of the boy's back while the other was on his ass. It always amazed Berwald how soft Tino was in his hands, and he loved it. He rubbed at the skin under the clothes and squeezed a little, earning more soft moans from the Finnish teen. Finally they parted for air and the Swede latched onto his lover's neck, kissing and licking and sucking.

"Hnn- aah, Ber…" Tino gasped, tilting his head back and allowing more access to his neck. Berwald just hummed slightly in response and continued his actions, content. Eventually, he did look up at his pretty little lover- he was gorgeous. Head thrown back, eyes closed, lips parted and cheeks pink, he looked like some angel with the way his hair fell around his head like a halo. The Swedish man planted another kiss against the pale neck, looking around a little further and drinking in the moment. Really, it was a gorgeous day. The sun shone bright even as it fell in the sky and the grass and the wildflowers blew in the breeze, only kept still underneath the two of them laying in the grass and by the footfalls of the other people in the park. There were a few joggers and a young couple- the woman wore a glittering diamond ring.

Ah, marriage. It was something Berwald thought about often. He licked Tino's neck, making the boy shiver, while he milled the thought over in his mind. He had always wanted to marry, be a good husband- maybe have a family, depending on what his wife wanted. Depending on what Tino wanted. He started to suck at the Finn's neck, earning a soft whimper of pleasure. Yes, depending on what Tino wanted- he didn't care if it seemed melodramatic or impulsive, he could never see himself with anyone but his Finnish lover- his wife, he supposed, since he did indeed plan on making this work. Slowly, he moved off of Tino's neck and moved to his lips again, capturing them in a passionate, claim-staking kiss.

"Ah love you, Tino Väinämöinen." He murmured once they parted.

"I love you too, Berwald Oxenstierna." Tino replied, a dazed smile on his face. It made Berwald lean in and kiss him again, ignoring the sun rapidly setting and everything that had plagued them for the past painful some weeks. He had Tino- his wife, he decided then- with him, and that was all that mattered in the end. The mixture of their tastes reminded him that he wasn't awakening to some new realization, but finally being at peace enough to maybe sleep later that night.

* * *

><p>Author's note: Hello everyone, I am alive. Yes indeed I am. And I think I'm ready to try this again.<p>

Basically, it's late and I'm lazy, so I'm posting close to the same spiel I posted in chapter eleven because I'm pretty sure not a lot of you saw it because I'm pretty sure it didn't drop to anyone's inbox, so I won't sound like too much of a broken record (hopefully):

I just wanted to say thank you. To all of you. Really, you guys are great, and I missed you all. I really appreciate the support you guys gave me when I took my little break, and to those of you who my story struck a cord in I'm glad that I could strike that cord. I love knowing I can connect with my readers.

Now that you all know I love you (yes you) I'd like to talk a bit about the story. As much as I hate the idea of revising things I have already put up, I have revised the end of this chapter and I am in the process of revising the next chapter. This is the only time I will do this. I did it because I felt they were inadequate, and some people kind of insuated that I was right. So, I did something about it. Now that I have done this, though, I need to ask a favor:

As you all know, I love reviews. Knowing you guys enjoyed my stuff is like gold, and whenever someone leaves concrit I'm happy that they cared enough to help me improve a little. But listen, I really don't like it when people wangst over a plot twist, or a character's action. I write it that way because I have a story I'd like to tell, and that's just the way that it needs to be told for me to feel like I've done it justice. I missed enjoying story-telling for the fun of it and not worrying about letting people down. I can only please so many people, and while I'd love to please you all the crushing reality that I've realized is I just can't. So, from here on, I'm not changing anything else. If you don't like it then I'm really sorry, and I hope you find something else that you can really really get into. If you do stay and enjoy it a little, thank you- it means more than you'd know~.

(Hope that didn't come off too harsh, I just needed to say it to move on. ^ ^;)

So, that being said, I think I'm ready to try again. This is the revised version (this chapter and it's predecessor, if you're interested in reading the changes) and the new one should be up faster because I'm trying to type a little every day. Also, a special thanks to MeinBritishBroski, Angel Yori, Magoo-Tora and LostHazelEyes for being lovely and there even when I was being a loser and not typing much, and thank you to SwedishHoeBag foe the mention in her fic.

I don't know how many of you can leave reviews because I know that someone told me you can't comment on a chapter you've already commented on, but I have no idea what happens if I resubmit either. But if it's possible any reviews, PMs, etc are always loved and welcome!


	13. Chapter 13

They healed.

Yes, they healed. They healed to the point that now they could actually talk again, even if they chose not to, like right now. Right now there were more important manners to attend to, like satisfying that maddening heat that could only start in the core and spread until it ate you alive. Fingertips traced warm lines over bare skin, and lips warmed him to his very core. Tino wasn't sure how it started- he was never sure how it started- all he knew was that he could feel himself starting to slip away from reality and into some dream-like state. He loved how Berwald did this to him. He felt teeth at the nape of his neck and couldn't help letting a soft, low moan slip loose. This. One day, this might actually be able to replace-

It was almost impossible to describe Tino's horror when his phone went off, with the ringtone that he never wanted to hear.

Fuck. Father. His mind raced a mile a minute as he thought of what he could do. He didn't want to get up. He wanted to silence the phone like he usually would and keep kissing Berwald, and let Berwald keep kissing him, and carry on what they were doing and pretend that no one else in the world existed. Still though, he'd have hell to pay for it. Reluctantly he sat up and kissed Berwald hard, as if trying to draw strength from him, before pulling back and grabbing his phone with a promise that he would be right back. He about ran into the hallway and picked up the call right before it would have been missed.

Berwald stayed on the bed, perplexed. Tino only did this sometimes. There were times that he would slam the phone silent with a vengeance; others where he would chuck it across the room, and still some where they would just ignore the thing. Still though, there were these odd times where he would grab the phone and run out, not leaving Berwald so much as a clue of where he was going, or who he was talking to. Sometimes he wondered.

Okay, he always wondered. It worried him, really. Tino always came back looking so sad, and the Swede hated to see him like that and have no way of soothing him. Sometimes he wondered if it was Eduard- what puzzled him about that hypothesis was that usually when Eduard called Tino didn't leave the room to pick up, and if he called during fore-play or coitus he'd be ignored. With a sigh Berwald gave up thinking too hard with the fear that he'd lose his hard-on, and instead settled on waiting.

Meanwhile, the other stood outside the door, back pressed against the wall as though one million guns were poised to fire at him if he so dared move one millimeter.

"Hi dad." Tino breathed shakily into the receiver, cupping his hand around his mouth so that no sound he made could leak into and taint the air.

"Where the fuck were you?" He was greeted with. "I swore you weren't going to pick up you son-of-a bitch."

"I'm sorry, I was," think fast. "In class. Getting some extra help." Good save.

The man paused for a moment and lowered his voice. "Are there people around?" He asked. If there was one thing Tino knew, it was that the bastard was a coward when he was around people. He couldn't _hit _those people, he couldn't _command_ those people, he couldn't order them around and _fucking abuse them_ like he did to him and his mother because those people were more successful than he ever was, and there was no way that those people wouldn't have his ass behind bars if they ever knew how badly he and mother suffered-

"I'm in the hallway." He mumbled. That was the truth, at least.

"And are there people?" The man asked again, quick and anxious.

"Dad, I'm right outside the room." He answered again, trying to hide his annoyance. A fucking coward. He was no better than a fucking violent coward. He hated that those were his genes.

There was another pause. "Well, look- you're coming back for fall break." The man said, quickly, quieter than usual.

Tino's eyes widened. No. Fuck _no. _He didn't want to go back. That meant leaving Berwald and safety and- "Dad, don't worry about it. I mean, winter break is coming up soon and we don't need to spend any more money on airfare, it's only a week anyway and winter break is next month." He babbled nervously.

"Are you _trying_ to make us look like bad parents? Trying to draw attention to your sorry ass so that the big guys'll worry about you?" The man snapped, more venomous now. "You're coming home for break. I don't want anyone talking. Keep your eyes open for the ticket in the mail, and I swear to god if you try anything it will be worse for her and you."

Fuck. FUCK! How could he let someone else suffer, too? Why couldn't it just be him? He'd willingly take a worse beating later if it meant some relief for the now. Fuck. The bastard knew how to play him. "Fine." He whispered, breath shaking. "Fine."

He laughed. The jack-ass had the nerve to fucking _laugh_. "Are all of you fags like that, all sentimental? You're just like her, so afraid to let someone else get hurt. Ha, and you call yourself a man. Why don't you go ahead and stay to prove it, she's just some whore-"

"Don't call mom a whore!" Tino half-yelled, pained. He wasn't even sure why he fought anymore. She didn't know what to do with him even if he meant well, and the man hated him.

Why was he even alive?

"I'll call the cunt whatever I damn well please!" he laughed. "Ah, you're a funny kid. Oh, oh, hang on your mother wants to talk to you." The man added, seeming to pass the phone.

"Will you- will you just give me two minutes with him?" Tino could hear his mom begging. "Please- please. What? Okay. Yes. I have five? Thank you."Five. Oh how generous he was- this was the definition of Stockholm syndrome, and they all knew it.

He was sure his father had at least left the room because all he heard was the customary static silence that he and his mom started their conversations with. It was like they pretended that _he _had nothing to do with them.

"Hi mom." Tino said softly, breath still shaking.

"Hi honey." She greeted softly, voice gentle and light as usual. She had a pretty voice; many other men surely would have liked it- how did she get stuck with that one? "How are you?"

"I'm fine." Tino lied. "How have you been?"

"Fine." She lied, too. "How has school been?"

"Good," he said. "I made a friend." He whispered. His mother liked to hear good things, and that he was doing well. They just had to hide them from his father.

"That's wonderful," She praised, "You were always good at Science."

They were used to these broken conversations that made no sense. It was for their own good, really. Now, however, she let out a sigh and seemed to be gathering herself to start the real conversation. He was assuming that dad went outside to get more booze.

"I've been trying to drink less-" She said. "It's hard, because it's easier to drink because then I don't remember anything he did, but I know you're concerned so I'm trying."

"Thanks mom." Tino choked, throat tight. He asked her to stop because she too got resentful when she drank. She said ugly things- things she couldn't help saying because it _hurt_, and didn't we all deserve some forgiveness when it fucking _hurt?_

"If it's too hard-" He started, before she cut him off.

"It's not, really. There's less hangovers involved." She laughed slightly. It was, though. It was. But goddammit her son was the last person left in the world that she cared for and she'd be dammed if she let him down, too. Even if she couldn't help him when a certain someone got violent.

Tino nodded even though she couldn't see him. "I love you mamma." He mumbled, trying not to lose his composure.

"I love you too, Tino- I don't regret you, you know." She said softly.

"Even though I'm gay?" He asked, timidly.

"That isn't a reason for me to not love my son. Sometimes I don't know _exactly_ how to feel about it, but I can't change it and I don't hate you for it." She said. While it hurt a little sometimes, he knew she meant well. What worried him was how gentle about it she was being now, she didn't even mention it being a phase- the man must have something pretty cruel in store. "Besides, if you weren't gay he'd probably ask you to rape me." She laughed. He did too, just a little- they had to develop a morbid sense of humor if they expected to have any chance at laughter at all.

"But honestly," she started again "the only thing I really regret is not leaving him before I had you. Then we could have just said we didn't know who the father was and we would have been away from all of- I'm sorry, Tino." She said, her own voice starting to sound choked up.

"It's okay mom." He whimpered, shaking a little. She was only seventeen when she had him- how was he supposed to blame her for being vulnerable?

"Well, I'm glad you're doing well in Science." She said, and he assumed the man was back again. "I'll see you soon, honey."

"Bye mom." He mumbled. "See you soon."

The phone line clicked dead, and Tino found his stomach sick and his heart aching. Dammit. _Dammit_. Why did he always let his guard down right before shit hit the fan? It just wasn't fair. He wanted to cry. He wanted relief. He wanted to…

Actually, he wanted Berwald.

Really, what he wanted to do was run back into that bedroom and make Berwald fuck him until he couldn't remember anything. He wasn't entirely sure where the urge came from (his erection having long gone away since he picked up the phone) but he knew that he wanted the Swede. He wanted to be touched and kissed and held and he wanted to feel it. Usually he never wanted to feel at times like these. It was confusing. It was frightening. It was strangely tempting.

And so that was how he found himself shutting off his phone and walking dazedly back into the room, crawling into bed and kissing the other until he couldn't breathe, and then it was just like the first night he limped into his room lonely and broken all over again.

* * *

><p>There were one million questions on the tip of his tongue, yet he had not a clue what to ask.<p>

The Finnish teen had long fallen asleep next to him after a particularly- what was the word- frantic session of lovemaking? Was it frantic? Berwald couldn't tell. His brain was still humming along in the afterglow. Funny how the more he had of Tino the easier it was for the beautiful boy to make him lose his mind.

He had wanted to ask what was wrong. He wanted to know why his eyes were red rimmed and why his voice was hoarse when he cooed _I love you, Berwald, so much-_ but somehow he didn't know how. Nothing seemed quite right to say. Sometimes he wondered if Tino would ever bring it up, and maybe then he would be able to find his words. The Finn never did, though, and he was left in silence about the strange occurrences. Even so, it didn't mean he loved him less. He was pretty sure there wasn't anything the other could do to make him.

His own phone buzzed this time and he quickly snatched it up before it could wake his lover.

"'Lo?" He said into the receiver. An ever familiar voice responded.

"Lo Berwald. How're ya'?" The woman's voice asked, as rough and calloused as her hands but gentle as she truly was.

"Ahm fine ma. With the boyfriend." He said, sitting up a little.

"Ya' really gotta tell me more 'bout him over break. Ah'd love to know 'bout who muh son's set his heart on." She teased.

"But ah have." He laughed, though he was dead serious. "Ah have ma. He's perfect."

He could hear her voice soften, and he could almost see her smile through the phone. "Ahm happy fer ya'." She said. "Ah'm. That boy better never break yer heart." She warned. She knew about heart break, being left alone with a baby in a broken home, and she'd be dammed if she ever let that hurt happen to her son.

"He won't. He's not like tha'." Berwald assured. That was what he wanted to believe, anyway.

"Good. Did ya' get the plane ticket?"

Berwald mm-ed, but then responded "Ja. Came Tuesday."

"Good. I'll see ya' soon then."

"See ya' soon."

And at that they both hung up and Berwald pulled the Finn into his arms, cradling him against his chest as he fell asleep. He wouldn't break him. No, he wouldn't. They were in love.

* * *

><p>As in love as they were and as perfect as Tino was Berwald was forced to admit that sometimes the Finn could be a little uncoordinated. It wasn't hard to see. He almost walked into the janitor's closet instead of the stairwell, and he almost forgot to put food on his plate. When they sat down Berwald finally had to say <em>something<em>, and at this point he didn't much care what it was. He had to start somewhere.

"Ya' feelin' okay?" Berwald asked, gently.

Tino forked at his eggs, not yet bringing them to his mouth. "I'm fine. Just a little tired…" He trailed off. Berwald frowned.

"Fer real." He demanded, still gently. "Ya' seem upset."

The Finn sighed. Berwald's intuition wasn't half bad. "I am." He finally admitted to his eggs, unable to make eye contact. "I am."

That was one step forward and two steps back. Was he the one who hurt him? The notion made his gut wrench. "Did ah do somethin'?" He asked quietly. Tino almost snapped up and caught Berwald's eyes, reaching out and cupping the man's cheek in his hand.

"Berwald, don't ever dare think that anything is your fault, you're never the problem. I love you. Haven't I made that clear?" he asked, slightly sadly.

"Ah love ya' too, and ya' have." Berwald assured, internally kicking himself. "Ahm sorry. I just wanted to know wha' happened."

Tino sighed and kept his hand on Berwald's cheek, but closed his eyes for a moment before re-opening them and speaking almost tentatively. "It's just… you know, fall break's coming up and… well, I'll miss you. A lot." He said, softly. The scary thing about it was that it was actually the truth. Well, half of it. But still- it was the more painful part, losing something so lovely to something so disgusting.

While it was a relief to hear what set him off, the realization made Berwald's heart pang too. Fuck. An entire week of sleeping alone and not being able to hold his sweet little wife in his arms sounded like hell in his book. "Ah'll miss ya too." He mumbled, leaning into the hand on his cheek. Tino stroked his face gently, tracing a thumb over the man's lip.

"I just- I can't imagine it, you know? I don't even remember what things were like before…" he said softly. It was a half-lie, but a good intentioned one. He couldn't imagine it because he _knew_ what was bound to happen, but he could remember- he just didn't want to.

Berwald nodded in agreement and took Tino's hand in his own, pressing his lips against the middle of the palm gently. Tino was better with words than he was, and he tried to make up for it in actions whenever he could. Tino blushed and smiled a melancholy smile.

"You're so sweet, Ber." He cooed. Berwald gave another kiss in response.

"Thank ya'."

"It's true." The Finn responded. "You're the most wonderful person I know."

At that, an ever-faint pink dusted Berwald's cheeks, and Tino couldn't help but smile at what he was about to lose, even if only for a while- a week had never sounded like such a long time in his entire life.

Not even the week he had spent locked in the filthy, reeking-of-booze basement could compare.

* * *

><p>Nine days before the morning of their departure together weren't nearly as painful as very last night before. They opted to skip that day of class (not like they were doing anything anyway), and instead spent the entire day in bed together. Their suitcases already sat at the door, one on top of the other, and they looked almost as resigned as the boys who they belonged to felt. Their fingers were tightly twined together and resting in Tino's lap, who occasionally tightened his grip until the point that his knuckles turned white and he couldn't possibly squeeze anymore. That didn't stop him from trying, though.<p>

Eventually, the hand holding turned to kissing. And then the crying started. And then the Berwald-kissing-tears-off-of-Tino's-face followed. The disrobing came shortly after, and pretty soon they were connected in an ever-familiar union, the sound of flesh on flesh their metronome and cries of _moremoremore_ the chorus.

They tried to make it last all fucking night.

They almost succeeded, but of course that pesky thing known as sleep eventually overtook them and they succumbed, still tangled together as they did. When they woke both of them, in vain, tried to pretend that they hadn't. The screaming of the alarm only got louder and louder, though, and eventually they both rose from their last stronghold to face the day- the next seven of them, to be more accurate.

The crying started again on the way to the airport. Berwald held Tino in his lap on the ride there, trying to soothe him to the best of his ability without doing anything too raunchy (fucking driver, watching them in the rearview mirror), and eventually he managed to get the sobs to slow to the point that only his silent tears remained. He felt guilty for feeling just a little bit happy that his beautiful lover was crying for him, and he mentally berated himself for it. By the time they got to the airport, though, he felt his own glasses fogging and maybe felt a little less guilty- but only a little.

When they finally made it through customs and the baggage check they stood together, Berwald's hands on Tino's hips and Tino's arms around Berwald's neck as they waited. Their eyes were locked together and neither wanted to move, but they had both resigned to the fact that soon they'd have no choice. Sighing softly Tino leaned up on tiptoes and captured Berwald's lips in a long kiss before speaking hoarsely, a feigned smile on his lips.

"At least we'll be back in time for my birthday. There's no one I'd rather spend it with than you…" He trailed off.

Berwald nodded and kissed his forehead before responding. "December sixth. Best day tha' ever happened to anyone."

Tino laughed a light, pained laugh, but kissed the other again. "You're so sweet."

"Ahm jus' tellin' the truth."

Tino smiled, just barely, and spoke again. "I'm really, really going to miss you."

"Ah'll miss ya too." Berwald replied, words barely hitting the air.

"You better text me."

"Ah will."

"And call."

"Ah wanna hear yer voice."

"Good. I want to hear yours."

There was another moment of silence, because neither could think of anything to say. The Swedish teen reluctantly moved his hands from the other's hips, making the Finn flinch a little, and removed his hoodie. He leaned over to kiss Tino's temple gently, draping the sweater over his shoulders. Tino leaned into the kiss and sighed contentedly.

"Thank you." He said, softly. After a moment of thinking he took off his scarf and draped it around Berwald's shoulders, moving to kiss his jawbone.

"Takk." Berwald mumbled, pulling Tino close and tight for one last hug. The Finn's head rested against Berwald's chest and he hugged back tightly, trying to deny the fact that his flight was being called. Reluctantly the Swede let go, kissing Tino firmly on the mouth one more time before letting him pick up his carry-on.

"I'll text you the second I'm off." Tino promised, vision blurring again. Berwald nodded.

"Ah'll do the same." The Swede promised. "I love you."

"I love you too." The Finn replied, throat tight.

And at that the flight was called again and he rushed away from the last bit of comfort that he had- not even the pressure on his neck seemed to be enough to soothe him at that moment, and every mile higher the plane went into the dreary, rainy sky was a mile further from the light of his life.

* * *

><p>Author's note: This is timely, I think. I feel accomplished.<p>

So I actually had time to do things I want, like this, and it was awesome. I started working on the next chapter but there's that pesky sleep things getting in the way, so I'll be picking it up again once I take care of that.

Anyway, about this chapter: to some people it's kind of a filler maybe, but I actually am fond of it. I think it sets up the next one nicely, and it is neccessary. So therefore it is here. I hope you can all enjoy it. Be gentle, now, please.

Reviews would greatly replenish my sleep deprived muse.


	14. Chapter 14

By the time the landing finally came, Tino's eyes were already rimmed red and his vision was blotchy at best. He had spent the plane ride crying, and it was fucking hard to see more than an inch or two in front of him. The man in the suit next to him had been polite enough not to say anything, and the woman in front of him had the decency to pretend like nothing was happening, but he was relatively sure his aching sobs had gotten to the both of them, oh, maybe about twenty minutes into the flight. Father always said that he wasn't a very pretty crier- light hiccup like sobs just sounded stupid, and the occasional deep, shuddering ones weren't much better.

Though he clung to Berwald's hoodie almost the entire way there (it was still warm) he tucked it away in his carry-on before he got off in hopes that it would keep some of Berwald's scent that he could sleep with, and maybe not get any blood on it- that would be a bitch to explain when he got back.

So that was how he got to his current position of chasing his suitcase down from baggage claim. He was pretty sure that he was late by now, but he couldn't give a damn less. The man couldn't beat him right there in the parking lot (well, he could if he wasn't so fucking careful not to let anyone see-) and either way he was going to be hurting by the time he got home. Eventually, and unfortunately, he managed to get his bags and he realized he would have to go to them. Slowly he dragged himself through the airport, pulling his phone out about half-way to the exit to text Berwald.

It was tempting to tell him. Tell him all of the sick things that happened to him here, and he couldn't stand it and he just needed to get out, but he knew that it wouldn't help. Berwald probably didn't even live remotely close by- he should really ask where he was from one day, but that was beside the point. Berwald didn't need to know about what went on. No, not at all. All he needed to know was that the cute, perky boyfriend he knew and fell for missed him, and not about the fucked up kid that said boyfriend really was. He didn't want to take any risks this far into it.

He settled on tapping out a short and sweet _love you, baby, miss you _on the keys, and sent not a word more. He silenced the phone before tucking it back in his pocket- the man could never know that he had friends that could reach him. That would just make things worse. He held his breath when the outside air hit his skin, praying to god that this would just be a silent day and not a violent one. It turned out he got lucky for the moment- the man sent his mother to get him. She sported a black eye and a swollen lip, which she hadn't even bothered to cover up like she used to when he was little.

"Playing on the risky side, mm?" Tino greeted, leaning down to offer a hug, and the woman smiled and laughed that nice but rusted laugh while she returned it.

"They don't even see what's right in front of their faces," she remarked, "So why even waste the makeup?"

Tino nodded. "You look fine." He said, softly. The man never told her anymore.

"You're a good son." She said, almost sadly. "Just put the bags on top of the beer cans, he won't notice if they dent."

Knowing at least that was true, Tino about threw his bags in the back and climbed into the passenger seat, ignoring the jizz on the floor. Who knows what the bastard tried there. They tried to make idle conversation for the first few minutes- how was the flight, was it hard getting in- but that died out pretty quickly.

"Tell me about your friend." She asked, almost abruptly after a moment of silence.

Tino took a breath before speaking. "He's kind. Strong, silent, and the sweetest person I've ever met."

"You like him." His mother pointed out.

"I do." Tino responded. No need to lie to her at this point. She seemed to have given up on trying to change him. It was a joyous moment, really, being able to half-share with her about his romance- ah, but he just couldn't fully. This was too solemn a state, and too dangerous a situation.

She nodded. "What does he do?" She asked. "What's he good at?"

"He's a carpenter." Tino said, repeating what Berwald had told him. The mother nodded again.

"You picked a better type of man than I ever did; your father was never good at that type of stuff." she commented, almost wistfully, "Maybe this is karma- showing me what I was supposed to do."

"I don't want to hurt you." He said, a little pained while he did. It was unfair. Why should his happiness have to hurt someone else – two people, at that? Again, he was met by the same withered laugh from earlier.

"You don't hurt me, I hurt me." She said, her eyes fixed on the road.

"He hurts you." Tino pointed out.

"Is it him for hitting me, or me for letting him?"

"Him." Tino insisted. "It's always him."

By then they reached that fork in the road between their usually back road short cut and the freeway, and the mother stopped the car. Tino shuddered, realizing how close they were. Him and the poor, worn woman locked eyes after staring wearily at the bare dirt road in front of them, the gnarled trees beckoning to them both yet neither wanting to go.

"I hear there's traffic on the freeway." She offered, voice pale.

"Lets." Tino responed, just as weak.

And so they drove until they reached the end of the row and then they idled as more cars boxed them in, both staring ahead and listening to the static of the radio traffic like nothing else existed and was waiting to tear them both apart.

* * *

><p><strong>From: Tino~!<strong>

**Love you, baby. Miss you.**

**Received: 11:47 am**

Berwald's heart ached a little at the words, and he wished that he could gather his lover into his arms right then and there. He hated knowing that Tino was in any sort of pain- it just wasn't right. Surely he didn't mind being home, but Berwald wished that maybe he could have gone with him, or that he had bought the Finnish boy to introduce to his mother.

Life could never just be simple, could it?

He sent a response back while he was waiting with his newly re-claimed bags for his mother to reply to his earlier 'here'.

**To: Tino~!**

**Love you too, beautiful. We'll be together again soon.**

**Sent: 12:38 pm**

He was about to tuck the phone back into his pocket when it buzzed again, and he quickly opened that one too.

**From: Mom**

**Look behind you**

**Received: 12:38 pm**

Swinging around, Berwald came face to face with the mother, still holding her phone. It was a funny sight, seeing the usually so serious woman gripping her phone with an almost playful grin on her face, and Berwald couldn't help a chuckle.

"Hej ma 'a mine." He greeted.

"Hej son 'a mine." She replied, offering a hug that was quickly returned. "How're ya'? The flight go 'kay?"

Berwald nodded and then responded. "Ja, was good."

She smiled that small, barely there smile to most people, and moved to pick up a bag. She lifted it with ease, and it almost made Berwald feel like he was just-turned ten again and still struggling to lift anything larger than a wooden chair.

"Ma, how d'ya even manage tha'?" He asked half jokingly while picking up the other bag.

"Ya' don' think tha' strength a' yers came from yer father, d'ya?" She asked, as they started to walk towards the exit. "Those're our genes, yours 'n mine."

Berwald nodded, thinking it over. He had never known his father really; he held no memories of him- not even the blurry ones that infants can sometimes make. Sometimes he imagined the man to be a complete wimp, insecure of his masculinity- maybe that was why he left. Mother, as beautiful and womanly as she looked, was certainly tougher than most men he had ever encountered in his entire life. If there was such a thing as the gay gene he'd never know who he got it from at this rate- maybe it was both of them.

"Sa'," She started, once they pulled out of the parking lot. "Tell me everythin'."

"Bout Tino, ya' mean?" He asked, looking over to her.

"Tha' his name?"

"Ja. Didn' ah tell ya' that?"

"Dun think so."

"Hn. Well ja, tha's his name. Tino Vainamoinen."

"Finnish?" She asked.

"Very." He nodded.

"Sounds it. Tell me 'bout 'im- what's he like?"

"He's perfect." Berwald almost deadpanned. "Beautiful. Kind. He has this smile tha' always gets me."

The elder Oxenstierna nodded, listening. Berwald continued.

"Ah mean, ma, ah dun even know how ah got sa' lucky. He's very popular, an ahm not really tha' likable-"

"Yer perfectly likable," She cut in "most people 'ave just forgotten how to like."

"True." Berwald said. "But really, ah didn' even think he knew ah existed. 'N then he just kinda walked up to me one day an' it all started."

"Maybe he's more shy than ya' gave him credit for."

"Ah think sa' sometimes." Berwald responded. "Ya'd never see it if ya' weren't looking fer it, though."

"Sa' he's a people person." The woman half-asked and half-stated. Berwald shook his head a little.

"Tha's the strange thing- ah always thought he was, but he's really not. He kinda hates 'em, ah think. He always tells me he can't stand 'em."

"Ah don't blame him."

"Ah don't either. Ah jus wonder why he puts up with 'em if they make 'im so sad."

"Some people 'ave different ways of coping." The woman said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear at the red light. "He probably does it by buildin' walls 'n puttin' on masks- ah knew lots a people who did tha'. You an ah just leave when we dun like somethin', but he probably doesn' know how to distance 'imself like that. Most people don't."

Berwald sighed. "It's sad. I jus' wanna make him feel better."

"Ah know," she said "Ya' love someone sa' much tha' ya just wanna stop their sufferin', no matter what it takes."

Berwald nodded slowly, and then took a barely audible breath in. "Ahm sorry."

"Dun be." She responded, as always.

"Doesn't it ever-"

"Hurt? Ja. It does." She responded, cutting him off. "But feelin' bad won' fix it."

Looking down at his lap, Berwald started to wonder what really happened between his mother and his father. Subconsciously he'd always blamed his father for harming his mother (which he had) and consequently assumed that the man had been a complete douche. But whenever she talked like this it made him question whether it was just leftover Stockholm syndrome or if maybe there was something more behind his father's absence. It was times like this he realized for all of his years spent thinking about his observations, he knew surprisingly little.

He really, really hated that feeling.

As she usually did, the elder of the two cut the uncomfortable silence. "Christmas is comin' up soon."

"Ja. And his birthday."

"Really?"

"Sixth."

"Ah. Gonna get him anythin'?"

"Ja. Says he likes Moomins."

A small smirk came to her face, and she chuckled. "Cute."

"Adorable." He agreed.

"Well, we'll save th' shoppin' fer tomorrow. Jus' relax fer now, s'yer first day home."

"Ja. What's fer dinner? Wan' me to cook?"

"Ya' think ahd bring mah son home 'n make him work? Nej, I wouldn't. Ya' been fendin' fer yerself for a while now, lemme do some work." She replied, making the turn onto their street.

"Ya sure?" he asked, willing to cook as usual. The woman was a hard worker- he saw no need to make her work harder than she had to.

"Ja. Ahm making meatballs."

Berwald's stomach growled. "It's been a while since a've had real meatballs." He said, referring to homemade ones over the freezer packed ones at the school. They weren't bad, just… not home cooked.

"Ah know. S'why ahm makin' em." She smiled. "One day you'll hafta bring Tino over for dinner." She added as an afterthought.

"Ah will." He assured, as they pulled into the driveway.

"Good. Now let's get ya' unpacked first." She said, stepping out the car door.

And at that the unloaded the bags from the trunk and walked inside, previous conversation left in the car just like the air freshener dangling from the mirror.

* * *

><p>When the car finally pulled up to the house, it was nearing dusk. They stayed stuck in traffic for quite a bit, and with the days getting shorter an eerie dark dusted the sky earlier and earlier.<p>

"If he asks, your flight was delayed." The mother said, stepping out of the car.

"It was." Tino responded, getting his bags and stepping out as well. They walked to the door slowly, and then the elder of the two unlocked the thing and slowly pushed it in.

"Honey, we're home." She called, quietly. On cue a loud and heavy stumbling on the stairs informed them that she had been heard. They both froze, still as death, as the man made it to the entry way.

"Whatook you?" he slurred, taking another swig out of the bottle. "Wastarting to think that you bitches went and sold yourselves or something. I'd expect sumathe money, you know."

Tino tried not to say anything, and luckily Mother spoke first. "Tino and I aren't whores, honey. We have morals." She tried, tentatively.

"How many morals does a fag have?" He snickered, taking another swig. Tino winced inside, but didn't show it. He held as straight a face as he could, and refrained from any comment. No use starting a fight now. It was far too early in the trip to take a risk like speaking-

"How are ya, fag?"

-or refusing to speak, in this case. "I'm fine dad." He responded, softly.

"What? Can't hear ya."

"I'm fine, dad." Tino repeated, louder, but still just as nervous.

"I'm hungry, fag. Woman, make dinner."

Sighing inaudibly, the Finnish woman patted her son on the shoulder gently before walking into the kitchen, and Tino could feel a know tightening in his throat. Something was bound to go wrong soon. It hadn't yet, but it was bound to go wrong soon. The Finnish teen wasn't sure whether or not to move or remain still.

"You can't leave your shit in the doorway." The father declared, taking another swig.

Tino apologized quickly and hurried up the stairs, finding the door that was supposed to be his (there was a new dent on it now and a few more stains than when he had left) and he pushed it open. Some empty bottles decorated the floor but this time his bed remained untouched. What luck- that meant he didn't have to sanitize the room before he slept tonight. Really, he just didn't have that much stamina left. He could barely stand straight. Leaving his bags still fully packed and next to the bed, he flopped onto the blankets and sighed softly. They reeked of his own scent, and he noted that it was far different than the scent of his and Berwald's bed back at school.

Berwald. Now reminded, Tino took his phone out from his pocked and checked it quickly, smiling weakly after reading Berwald's reply. That boy was sweet. He quickly tapped out some cute reply and hit send before hiding the phone away in his pocket again, and then stretched before he lay limp and thought. What if, maybe, Berwald really was enough? It was a scary thought to think, but if he was ever going to think about it then he would have to do it now while the Swedish boy couldn't see him possibly panicking. Besides, his nerves were shot to hell anyway. May as well take advantage of the moment.

He couldn't deny any longer that his boyfriend had become a sort of a crutch for him. When he needed comfort he ran to him, and when he needed to forget he let the boy re-imprint his mind with images of them. It was different than falling into himself and wiping his mind blank, surely, but it was still so… effective. So much more effective than escaping and not even remembering having been away when he woke. It was stronger. Potent. And he liked it. He poked his tongue out slightly and licked at his lips, wondering if maybe he could still imagine the other man's taste against them. Maybe… slowly he traced his fingertips over the weight on his neck, letting them rest on the cold metal clasp. What if, one day, he wouldn't need the thing anymore? Slowly he tried to slip his fingers underneath to touch the fading bruises on his skin…

And was promptly interrupted by a loud thudding up the stairs and a yell.

"COME DOWN FOR DINNER ALREADY! I'm not waiting for you or it'll get cold!" The man barked, and Tino sat up abruptly and ran out of the room, almost flying down the stairs. He made it to the kitchen in record timing, taking his usual seat in between the two parents. Dinner was already on the table, and Ma even let him have the Moomin glass. He smiled faintly at her, and she smiled just as faintly back. They ate in silence for a matter of minutes, Tino and his mother only barely touching the food, while the father ate quickly enough to already be on his second helping.

"You two birds or something?" He chucked, starting on the food again.

Tino just shrugged. "I'm not too hungry." He said, but then turned to the woman and added "It's really good though, ma-"

"You anorexic or something?" The man asked, gripping the bottle tighter. "Guidance looks at that shit, you know."

Annoyed, the Finnish teen tried to hold his tongue and only half succeeded. "Don't worry, dad, it's not like I give them _anything_ to worry about." He said, bitterly.

"Wha's that supposed to mean?" He asked, taking another sip of vodka.

"Oh, I don't know- maybe the fact that I have no friends might concern them? Or the fact that I've had, oh, I don't know, three concussions conveniently whenever I come home might make them wonder things?"

The man frowned now, lips in a sneer. "Well who's fucking fault is that? Maybe they just think you're a klutz-"

"And of course along with that I've had a broken arm twice, and because I fucking covered the cuts with mom's concealer like you insisted on instead of oh, I don't know, treating them, they got infected and everyone saw them anyway-"

"THEY FUCKING SAW?" The man barked, standing up from his seat and shoving the chair back violently.

"Honey-" The woman tried to interrupt, hoping to calm him, but instead Tino got up and screamed.

"Don't act like you're surprised!" He countered. "They called home and I heard you fucking lie through your teeth about how _I _was so concerned about _my _appearance that I let-"

"Isn't that what fags do! Worry about how they look so that when some real man comes along they can-"

"Oh, so now you're willing to out your embarrassment of a son to the public after seventeen years because-"

"Boys-" The woman interrupted again, stepping between the two, and the man pushed her aside.

"Don't fucking interrupt us woman!"

"Don't talk to mom like that!" Tino yelled, jumping in front of the woman defensively.

That was the last straw. The man raised his fist and belted Tino hard across the face, sending him flying onto the floor. The red mark that had already formed was quickly blackening, and the older male marched over, kicking the Finnish teen in the ribs and pinning him against the floor under his boot. Tino winced when he was kicked, trying not to scream, but cried out once the boot turned him so that his back was pressed and held to the ground.

"DON'T _EVER_ FUCKING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" The so-called father barked, pressing harder on the bones.

Frantic to be released, Tino wrapped both hands around the man's ankle and twisted himself to the best of his ability. The man laughed, pressing again, and Tino could feel himself gag slightly when he did. Before he knew what was happening he was pushed aside again, and this time his back hit the wall with almost violent force. He swore he heard something crack.

"Honestly, I bring you into this fucking world and all you are is a disgrace-"

"Like father like son." He spat, voice low and hoarse. He shuddered, probably from a mixture of his body's shock and the fact that it was too fucking cold in there because-

"What was that!" The man barked again. He leaned down and pulled the shuddering teen up by his shirt, pinning him onto the wall again.

"Like father like son." Tino said again, laughing this time. "It's in my genes, father –you always asked where it came from." He smiled a crooked smile, head starting to feel light. "Don't you see a resemblance?" He added, darkly. For the first time while the man is supposedly in control he saw a flicker of fear in his eyes. It didn't last, though.

"You-"

A hard hit to the ribs, this time a punch.

"Fucking-"

Two.

"Cunt!"

Three. Four. Five. He could feel tears trailing down his face and he still smiled, even as he heard obscenities that were all meant for him. The room started to spin like it usually started to at that point, and then he heard muffled screaming-

"Stop it- stop it you're going to kill him!"

And when the room went black Tino wondered if he really was dead that time.

* * *

><p>To his displeasure, he woke. And when he did it was in a tub full of ice.<p>

He would have winced, but he was so fucking groggy that he settled on laying still and not saying anything at all. Would it be so much trouble for them to just bury him already that he instead bothered to keep him alive? It almost made him hate the fucker even more.

He was sure that if he could see his lips that they would be blue. It almost felt like he was lying in snow, and he tried to pretend that the reason his eyes were struggling to stay open was just because of the snowflakes that fell in his eyelashes. It was a far more serene fantasy than having to process laying in a tub of ice that was probably in a beer cooler until not too long ago.

Really, he knew he should be more grateful. At least they weren't asking him to cope with the aching in his ribs without any help at all. He remembered times where he had to, had to because there was no way for Mamma to help him and if the nice lady from child services ever saw what Father did then he'd surely be dead before he ever saw the man reprimanded-

Stop. Stop it. There was no reason to be thinking like that. It would only hurt more later. With a shiver, Tino let himself roll into the ice a little further, wondering if Mamma still had those pain pills she sometimes took. Maybe she would let him borrow some, if he looked desperate. At that the bathroom door creaked open then, interrupting any further thought.

"Sweetie? Sweetie are you okay?" A light, soft voice asked. Mother.

"I'm fine mamma…" He mumbled, lips puffy. He could hear her sigh softly and she walked over, crouching next to the tub.

"For your head." She said, and when he finally blinked his eyes open he saw that she was holding a pillow. Gratefully, even though it took most of his strength, he lifted his head and let her place it behind him.

"Kiitos…"He said, softly. Her eyes looked so sad, and he almost felt bad for speaking.

She looked sadly down at him once more before standing and exiting the room, closing the door and leaving him to his own devices. He found himself waiting a minute before slowly moving his hand to his pocket and groping around for the phone, slightly hesitant. Carefully, he opened the device, debating whether or not to call. It couldn't hurt, right? He would never know what happened. He hit Berwald's speed dial, holding the phone against his good cheek. The dial tone rang once, and Berwald picked up.

"Tino." He said softly. "Missed ya'."

Tino smiled and sighed a little. This was nice. Yes indeed. "I missed you too, Ber." He crooned, softly, trying to sound like he usually did. Unfortunately, though, Berwald knew that something was off.

"Ya' okay?" He asked, gently. Tino shook his head before he replied.

"I'm fine Ber. Just tired… it was a long day…"

"'Ahm sorry." He murmured.

"Not your fault." He said. "You know that I love you, right Berwald?"

"Ah love ya too, Tino. So much."

"I really really love you." He said again, throat tightening. Fuck. He felt his eyes sting. He wanted Berwald to be there, right there, and to hold him and kiss him and _touch_ him and make him forget that anything else existed-

"Tino, ah love ya' too. More'n anythin'. What's wrong?" He asked, gently.

"I'm so tired." Tino replied, breath shaking. "I want you."

"Ah want ya' too. We'll be together soon." He assured. Though usually almost socially inept, comforting Tino was another matter entirely. Whenever he was sleepy, or just plain sore, or upset for reasons that he didn't know, he made it his goal to soothe him into contentment. It was the least that he could do for the poor thing. Did he not deserve to be happy?

There was a pregnant pause on the other end of the line, and then a shuddering breath in. "Tell me something good, Ber." Tino mumbled, fingering at his neck.

"That ah have ya'." He said softly. "An' yer beautiful. An' smart. An' ya' have a lovely voice. An' ya' have this perfect smile…"

"Berwald-" He started to say, but was cut off.

"An' yer kind. An' yer eyes sparkle. An' when ya' laugh it makes me smile."

"Berwald." He whispered. What in hell did he ever do right to deserve such tenderness?

"An' yer warm. An' yer lips are soft. An' ya' fit against me so nicely an' we were made fer each other. An' yer perfect-"

"_God I love you."_ The Finn choked, biting his lip. Oh fuck he couldn't ever be perfect. Hell no. But Berwald… he said it with such sincerity, that even if it wasn't enough to fool him for some reason he still felt so, so warm.

"Ah love ya' too." The Swedish teen replied. His stomach knotted at hearing the way his boyfriend sounded right then, the same way he always did when he was bound to cry, and he ached to hold him again and never, never let go.

"Hey Berwald?"

"Ja?"

"If…" He swallowed. Why was he even staring? He shouldn't breathe a word- that was the rule after all. Never say anything. At all.

"If?" Berwald prompted. Shit. He was fucked now.

"If… if something bad ever happened to me- like something really, really bad- and I wasn't all perky and fun anymore… Would you still want me?" he choked out, throat dry.

"Ah'll always want ya'." Berwald said, almost as soon as Tino's voice stopped. "Dun ever think otherwise."

_The real question is will you hold to that statement?_ "Thank you." He mumbled.

"Did somethin' happen?" he asked, concern laced through his voice.

Did something happen? The question was when _didn't_ something happen. He let himself shift, warmer ice shifting away and the cold one leaving a frozen burn against his skin. He wanted to tell Berwald. He wanted to break down and tell him everything, tell him that his ribs hurt and that he couldn't feel his legs in all of this ice and that his face hurt so fucking bad and he needed him to fucking be there-

"Tino?" Berwald asked, a little louder. He truly sounded worried.

"I'm fine, baby." Tino responded, struggling to force the lie past his lips. "I'm fine."

"Tino, ya' can tell me wha' happened." He insisted. "Not gonna leave ya'. Ever." And if that wasn't the truth, the Swedish boy found himself thinking.

"Really honey, nothing happened." He said, deciding not to contradict himself tonight. "I was just missing you and my mind wandered…"

Berwald paused, stopping to think. On one hand, this was really a cliché that he should pay attention to. The ambiguous question, the hesitation, the insistence that he was fine… but at the same time, he really had seemed that upset over being separated. He didn't want to upset the Finn by pressing too far, but he didn't want to give up if he was supposed to press further. Why was he so fucking dumb when it came to this?

The Finnish teen yawned, and then spoke. "You know you're good to me." He murmured, just as simply as any other fact.

Berwald smiled softly. "I try." He said, slightly relieved. Surely, Tino would tell him when he was hurting. He was good at communication, better than he was- he could trust his beloved.

Tino could hear the man thudding around downstairs now, and he didn't want to take any chances having the phone broken by some drunken rage. He needed to be able to talk to his boyfriend- lover. He needed to.

"I'm sorry, I'm dozing… I'll call you in the morning, baby." Tino assured, almost whispering. "I'll see you soon, okay?"

"Ja." Berwald yawned. "Goodnight, Tino. Ah love ya'."

"Goodnight Berwald. I love you too." He murmured, waiting to hear the other hang up before he hid the phone in the pocket that wasn't submerged in ice.

A few minutes of silence passed. When he first got back it didn't quite register in his mind that he would be sleeping alone. _Alone_. Alone, without Berwald, without being held or consoled by him even ever so slightly. Suddenly, everything seemed considerably darker and inevitably more frightening. The footsteps downstairs now sounded closer to landmines than feet, and the ice stung his skin even more harshly once he realized there would be no warmth. Fuck. _Fuck!_ How the hell was he supposed to cope with this? He was in a bathtub full of ice because he was beaten because he was so fucking sick and he still had six more days of this-

_Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK. _

It hit him. It hit him hard. It hit him hard what he was dealing with, and that he was dealing with it alone, and that no matter what he did it would always come back to this and he would always be so fucking helpless and isolated-

Slowly he pulled at the strap, yanking it in his hands as hard as he could while the crashes from the downstairs floor and muffled voices started to fade as he did. He'd try and forget everything come morning. If he was lucky maybe they would, too, and leave him to rest.

* * *

><p>It wasn't a surprise to Berwald that the cashier of the toy shop looked at him strangely when he bought the Moomin plush to the counter. He had seen it coming, and he had been prepared for it.<p>

It must have been a funny sight for an outsider to see, the stern-faced teen (that was more often than not mistaken for a man in his early twenties) carefully carrying such a sweet toy to the checkout counter. Really though, that was none of his concern. Tino would love this. If he knew anything about his quirky boyfriend, he would love this. Sure, there was always a bit of nervousness associated regarding how a gift would be received, but Berwald was mostly confident that this would go over well. He knew his beloved fairly well by now, and even though there was surely more to learn Berwald was sure that what he had learned so far was at least enough to help him pick a gift.

The cashier looked increasingly perplexed as she rang the toy through the register and bagged it. It was almost enough to make Berwald want to laugh loud and clear _right fucking there_ but he was controlled. It would probably take more effort to let go than it would to keep his usual composed expression. So instead of laughter he simply paid and took his change, dropping a few bucks in the tip jar and earning a small, almost apologetic smile from the worker before he left the store and started to walk down the hall of shop displays with colorful aprons and lingerie and people walking with purpose or leisure.

As he made his way through the mall he found himself not only scanning the window displays but also looking at the people that walked by them. There were parents with children, groups of students that he wouldn't know, and then there were the couples. The couples were easy to spot. They had intertwined hands with glimmering bands shimmering on their fingers, and they always looked so fucking _happy_. Berwald envied them- he wished he could have Tino there with him every time he looked.

Some of those couples looked so, so young, not much older than himself. Sometimes he wondered if they were but promise rings instead of engagement or wedding rings. They had to be, he would think, but then again- he would marry Tino the second he got the chance. Who was he to say whether or not others had the same ideas that he did? Surely Tino was more perfect than any of them, but that was for him to know and him only. He would let the rest of the people in the world stay preoccupied with each other, and away from him and his darling future-wife.

Tino would make a wonderful wife. He would. Berwald loved to think about it. They would buy a nice little place Berwald would work, and whenever he came home he would get a kiss from the pretty Finn while those lovely lashes would flutter closed in that way that they always did. As they kissed he would slide his hands behind his wife to cup his nice, soft, supple-

He really had to stop thinking such raunchy fantasies in public places.

Since hiding a hard-on would be far too difficult for him he tried to draw his thoughts to something more neutral, non-dirty. His gaze fell on a display of shampoos and perfumes, and he found himself walking into the shop and looking at its wares. Tino always smelled so, so sweet, and Berwald knew it was from his fruity shampoos and scented body washes. Quite frankly he loved that about his lover, and he encouraged him to use them. Looking at a few scents, he decided that he had enough for one of his Mom's favourites and a new one for his love. After a few minutes of mental debate (which, to an outsider, may have looked like him glaring at the soap bottles) he picked the scents and checked out, once again earning an odd glance. He didn't even notice it this time, though- he was too busy lost in his own thoughts.

He loved the way that when he held the other his nose would rest against his hair, or the way that when he kissed his neck he smelled the sweetness on his skin. Surely Tino smelled best just as himself, but there was something about the scents that he enjoyed. They were soothing. Maybe growing up with only a mother let him appreciate such things, or maybe kissing Tino really solidified his appreciation. He may never really know.

Deciding he was finished for that day he started towards the parking lot, texting Tino a quick message before phoning his Mom to meet him.

* * *

><p>Tino's trip to the airport and back to Berwald's arms was the first time that he had been out of the fucking house in what felt like forever.<p>

His parents had determined that his ribs were likely at least fractured if not broken, and since his mom had already been in the hospital not too long ago he couldn't go right then. So luckily the man was forced to leave him alone, and his week was spent trying not to choke again (it hurt too much when he took big breaths in after) and alternating between the ice-filled tub and in bed with whatever drugs were left over in the bottle that his mother handed him in consolation.

He wasn't a druggie by any means. He wasn't addicted to anything, and he had no preferences for what he took, but he was aware that taking unfinished prescriptions and most likely illegally bought pills probably wasn't the best way to stay not addicted. But, unfortunately, desperate times called for desperate measures and Tino definitely ended up desperate more times than not. But enough of that. He couldn't dwell on the pain or else he was sure to show how much it hurt, and then people would wonder. Luckily for the moment the swelling on his cheek went down and the bruise faded to a dull yellow, so he simply covered it up with whatever concealer Ma wasn't using. He dabbed a little on his neck, too, just to be safe.

Naturally, the flight back was far more pleasant than his flight away. He simply slept this time, getting ready for a long night with Berwald. They'd skip tomorrow, he was sure. Most kids did. Hell, headmaster Gerard didn't even care anymore. He knew the first few days after a break had stragglers, and he didn't bother really enforcing anything until the next week. When they finally landed he was woken by the alarm he set on his iPod blaring into his eardrums, making him jump almost a foot in the air. At least it was effective. He got off of the plane and walked into the terminal slowly, feeling almost disconnected from himself. Was he really here again? Was he really going to go back to that contentedness that he had somehow already forgotten in about a week's worth of time?

When he saw Berwald standing waiting for him, he realized that _holy shit he was_.

He gave up on walking and ran, his rapid steps causing Berwald to turn and see him so that the Swede had just enough time to open his arms to catch Tino when he about fell into them.

"Berwald!" He about cried, throwing his arms around his lover's shoulders. Berwald chose to bypass words for the moment and gathered Tino in his arms, pressing their lips together in a heated, needy kiss. The Finn moaned and parted his lips, letting his lover invade his mouth with his tongue and savouring the taste until they eventually had to break for air.

"Berwald!" He gasped when they parted, and the Swedish teen picked up the sentence before the other had a chance to string any more words together.

"Ah missed ya' so much." He mumbled, pulling Tino into another kiss. Tino made a small noise of half-surprise and half-pleasure and melted into that kiss as well, hanging on tighter. He had missed this so much… he missed him. When they parted he let out a soft sob, and Berwald quickly embraced him.

"Ya' okay love?" Berwald asked. He had never been one to use pet names but he found that deprivation bought about strange acts.

"I-I just missed you!" Tino sobbed, burying his face in his chest while the other rubbed his back tenderly, kissing his head. All of the tears he had been trying to hold back the past week finally spilled out, and after ten minutes he could barely compose himself enough to gather his bags and follow Berwald to the cab. The Swede ended up wrapping one of his arms around the Finn's shoulders to keep him some-what steady and carrying the baggage with the other.

It took all of Berwald's self restraint not to let his boyfriend grind in his lap, and it was killing him to have to hold the beautiful boy steady as they agonizingly slowly made their way back to the school. When they finally did arrive at the campus they both about ran to the dorm room. Tino fumbled with the keys and Berwald almost threw the bags into the corner of the room once the door opened in favour of pinning Tino to the wall for a sloppy wet kiss. Fuck the foreplay for that night. They needed contact.

Their first night back together was almost more frantic than their last night before departure. Clothing was yanked off, thrown haphazardly across the room and not even in the same vicinity, and Tino was on his knees with the base of Berwald's already engorged length in his hand and the tip down his throat in less time than even a kiss would have taken. He bobbed his head over the member and massaged whatever slipped out from his lips, making sure that Berwald wasn't missing one ounce of stimulation. He moaned loudly when the Swede pulled his hair and held his head closer to his crotch, and he sucked harder in response. Fuck he missed this. The tastes, the textures, the raw feeling-

"Ahm na-aaht, la-ahsting luh-uhng…" Berwald babbled, head spinning slightly. Tino popped the member out of his mouth and licked the underbelly, eyes half-lidded and eyelashes fluttering over his pretty cheeks.

"Just cum baby." He breathed, and he only managed to take the tip back in before the Swedish teen almost cried out as he spilled, grateful for the relief. After Tino swallowed the cream, he licked the last few droplets off of the tip after removing the cock from his lips and stared up at Berwald, eyes hazy and needy.

"Ber…" He whined softly, and the man didn't need any more prompting than that to carry the Finn over to the bed and lay him onto it, kissing him before he moved to spread the teen's soft thighs and crawl in between them.

Chest rising and falling, Tino could feel himself trembling as Berwald's strong hands caressed his thighs, and then when the teen's breath hit his length. He wailed shrilly when the Swede took him in, sucking and humming slightly while he did. He could feel fingers brushing against the length, and he didn't quite make the connection that they were being lubed until he felt the digits pressing at his hole. They were eagerly sucked inside, and Berwald found that spot that made him cry out even louder so, so fast and he felt his head spinning. Berwald bobbed his head a few more times before he pulled back and pulled his fingers out, strings of precum on his lips.

"Ya' ready?" he asked, as gently as he could with such a lust laden voice. If Tino had been thinking clearly he might have thought about how kind his lover was. However at the moment he was more concerned with release, and he nodded frantically to Berwald while he mouthed some strange word that looked like a 'yes' but came out as a long moan.

Not needing to be prompted any further, the Swede repositioned the two of them so that his length was at Tino's entrance, and pressed forward. He gasped at the tight heat, holding Tino's hips to keep steady, and Tino about wailed as he felt himself pulling the throbbing sex organ even deeper into himself. It didn't take Berwald too long to adjusted, and his thrusts quickly became faster and faster, harder and harder. Tino cried out with each one, legs thrown wantonly apart and toes curling while that spot inside of him was stuck. Hot tears of pleasure trickled over his cheeks, and he struggled to breathe as he came closer and closer to climax. He did his best to hold himself until he made Berwald cum, clenching tight around the length, but ultimately he couldn't keep himself together that long. He came first.

Berwald followed not too long after, the increased tightness making him come once again, and Tino shuddered through a dry remnant of his orgasm as he did. He felt absolutely high, and he smiled while he felt his head spinning as the stars in front of his vision slowly started to fade. He could vaguely feel himself being repositioned in the other man's arms, and he snuggled closer as he was, content.

"I love you Ber." The Finn mumbled, quietly.

"Ah love ya' too, Tino." He replied, just as quiet.

And then there came the afterglow, and Tino curled up and into its soft heat with a smile. He wasn't entirely sure of when he fell asleep, nor of when he woke.

When he did wake, however, he woke in Berwald's arms again.

Though they seemed to have shifted positions during the night, they were still curled close. Smiling, Tino leaned up and kissed Berwald's lips tenderly before pulling back gently to speak, but Berwald broke the morning's silence first.

"Happy Birthday Tino." He said softly, kissing the Finn's forehead reaching a strong hand to gently stroke Tino's hair. Tino blushed and smiled sweetly, giggling and kissing Berwald's nose.

"Thank you Berwald." He chirped, leaning in to press a kiss against the man's cheek. "You're sweet." He cooed.

Berwald's gaze shifted to the side, and Tino tried to follow the direction of his eyes and found that they were trained on a gift bag at the side of the bed, which the Swede lifted and placed in Tino's lap. Tino's eyes widened a little and he blushed, surprised.

"B-Ber?" He asked, softly. He hadn't expected this.

"Its yer birthday." Berwald stated simply. Tino leaned in to kiss his lips this time before slowly pulling back and meeting his eyes.

"You're so, so good to me." He said quietly. Berwald kissed his forehead again before speaking.

"Open it." Berwald prompted, and Tino did, hands almost tenderly pulling the paper out of the bag. His eyes widened when he saw it, and he squealed and pulled the plush out to give it a tight squeeze. Holy shit. It was a Moomin. A. MOOMIN.

"Oh my god Ber!" He exclaimed, bouncing a little then wincing at the soreness before laughing a little and speaking again. "I have no idea how you found this but oh my god it's so good!" He babbled, throwing his arms around his boyfriend and squishing the plush between them. Berwald returned the embrace with a smile. They stayed like that for a moment before Tino pulled back to pick up the Moomin, hugging it against his chest.

"There's one more thing." Berwald said once Tino finished fawning over the Moomin. Something else still, even after the Moomin? Berwald really was set on spoiling him, wasn't he? Blushing slightly, Tino smiled coyly at him and reached into the bag. He managed to find a cool, plastic surface and wrapped his hands around it before pulling it out. He could see the sticky sweet gel through the clear sides of the bottle and it made him grin slightly. He popped the cap and took a deep breath in, smiling at the scent of the wash. He loved the stuff. Hell, washing with a bar of soap usually wasn't enough to make him feel really freshened up- he always washed in the gel, too, just to feel completed. He found it adorable that Berwald noticed.

Smiling softly he set the bottle on the nightstand and cradled Berwald's head against his chest while he pressed kisses his hair "Does my man like it when I use sweet smelling things?" he sang, smiling softly. Berwald nodded timidly, and Tino giggled. The Swede wrapped his arms around the Finn's waist and held on, content with their positioning. The sex could wait for later in the night. Right then, what they had was perfect.

Neither was sure how long they lay there that day, fragrant gel on the dresser and plush toy resting on the sheets beside them. It could have been minutes- it was more likely hours. It truly didn't matter, though. This was the best birthday that he had ever had. For that moment the Finnish teen was able to disconnect from everything and lose himself in the warm arms around him and then the lips on his neck and then that certain connection that they usually made so late in the dark of the night. He even managed to temporarily fool himself into thinking that maybe, just maybe, his life would stay so serene from there on out.

* * *

><p>Author's Note: Happy Birthday Tino!<p>

Yes I know that this is posted about two days early but I had to get it in because I know I'll get busy and then it would be super late. XP Anyway, I think this chapter holds the record for the longest in this story.

Not too much to say here, the beggining blows for Tino but I decided he should at least have a decent birthday. Poor dear deserves as much, I think. Please be gentle with me! I tried to portray it the best I could.

Reviews have the potential to make me smile.


	15. Chapter 15

Though winter break would mark the second time the Finnish teen had to leave his boyfriend, it didn't make it much easier. There was something noticeably more difficult about leaving a good thing to return to a bad place instead of simply returning to a bad place from nothing not-so-spectacular. But he didn't want to think too hard at the moment- he had more important matters to attend to before he had to go. Currently he was lying in bed, only a little more time left before he had to leave to catch his plane, and Berwald was above him about fucking his brains out in their frantic last minute love-making.

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck _fuck_." Tino whined, needy, his legs thrown apart and one pulled over Berwald's shoulder. "Don't fucking stop." He panted, twisting his hands into the bed sheets.

Berwald wondered if Tino knew how sexy he was, hair sticking to his sweat-drenched forehead and cheeks bright pink. His lips were swollen from a series of rough kisses earlier, eyes lust laden and half lidded, and really it was enough to drive him completely insane- and consequently his mind returned to that strange little want of a pretty little wife.

"Fuck, Be!" said wife half sobbed, starting to try and meet his thrusts. "Fuck I'm close!"

He found himself taking his hands from the boy's hips and moving them to hold his head still while he crashed their lips together, tonguing at the Finn's mouth harshly until he opened wide enough that he managed to get it into his throat. The Finn whined softly, shuddering as he was taken, and Berwald continued to kiss him until he was out of breath. When he was finally forced to break the kiss he leaned in to breathe into the Finn's ear.

"Be the wife." He murmured, caught up in frenzied arousal. "Be the wife."

Tino moaned, unsure of what he had heard and temporarily unable to create any coherent string of words and spread his legs apart wider, crying out as he was thrust into. He was close. He was so, so close. He could feel the familiar feeling of almost-too-much that always came just before just-perfectly enough and succumbed to it, legs shaking as he rode out his orgasm. Berwald took the opportunity to be faster, rougher, and in a few more thrusts managed to bring himself to his own climax, relishing the feeling of spilling his seed inside of his wife. Once finished be buried his head in the crook of Tino's neck, breathing him in.

Chest rising and falling, Tino tried to bring himself back, head still spinning from a mind-numbing orgasm. Fuck. Fuck that was good. That was so, so nice… Smiling, he mentally revisited the experience, trying to remember just what he had missed responding too. Berwald usually didn't speak during sex unless it was in response to something he had said, so he figured that it must have been important. He blew a stray piece of hair out of his eyes, the rest of it in a pretty tousled mess around his face.

"M'wife." Berwald murmured. Tino had taken that far better than he expected.

… What did Berwald just call him?

"What, Be?" He asked, still trying to catch his breath.

"… Wife." Berwald repeated again. The Finn shifted a little then, trying to get a better look at his boyfriend.

"Wife?" He asked, confused. His voice pitched a little higher than he had expected it too, and he blushed when he heard himself. Still though… wife?

Mentally, Berwald kicked himself. He shouldn't have pushed his luck.

"Berwald, is that what you said?" Tino asked, still waiting for a response.

Slowly, Berwald nodded. "Ja." He mumbled, regretful.

Okay. So he was in bed with his boyfriend, who obviously was aware that he was a boy, and he was being called… wife. Okay. He needed a minute to process that. He stroked Berwald's head gently, trying not to come across as though he were ignoring him.

The Swede could feel the hand combing though his hair, and yet he remained rigidly still. He knew Tino was too kind to snap outright, but what scared him was that he had no way to tell what he was thinking right then. How did he manage to get himself into this before they were to part for a little over a week? He had the worst luck.

"Ahm sorry." He murmured, softly. Tino shook his head, and the Swedish boy could feel the hair tickling his face.

"Don't apologize. I'm not mad, baby." Tino replied, gently. And in truth, he wasn't. He knew that much. He just… wasn't entirely sure what to make of this.

Berwald sat up and met his lover's gaze, trying to read his face. It didn't look like he was lying. It didn't sound like it, either. Though he allowed himself to relax a little, he was still tense. Was he upset, then? Annoyed?

Tino sat up so that they were slightly more level, pulling his knees to his chest and brushing some hair behind his ear before he wrapped his arms around his shins.

"I promise I'm not." He assured. "I just… wife? Berwald, I'm not a girl." He smiled, sheepishly, as though he had been hiding the fact even though he knew that he didn't.

"Ah know. Ah wouldn't want ya' to be. Love ya' just the way ya' are, every part a ya'." Berwald responded, eyes on the sheets.

"I love you too… why wife, then, if you're sure you're fine with… ah, my body?" He tried again, blushing madly at that last part.

"It sounds nice," The Swede started "to have a wife. Someone to love. Take care of. Ah… it has nothin' to do with gender 'r sex. Ah just wanted to have that… dynamic." He stumbled.

Tino nodded, listening. Alright. So it was a bit of a shock, and kind of not what he was expecting, but his reasoning sounded alright. It was sweet, actually. But still… what happened if he did take that title? He wasn't a girl. But it made Berwald happy. But…

Damn. This was tricky.

The alarm that he had set on his phone went off, and he cringed. Of all the important times to be interrupted- Berwald still looked so pained, upset, and worried and he really didn't want to have to leave on that note. Resigned to the fact that there was no good note to leave this on, he leaned in and kissed the Swede, gently but wetly, before pulling back.

"Everything is fine sweetie." He assured, gently. "Come on. We have to get dressed."

The Swedish teen nodded, slowly and still unsure, and Tino helped him up and they both dressed. As much as the Finn wished to dispel it, a heavy silence hung over the room and all he could do was wrap his arms around Berwald once they were both dressed and hang on.

"It's all okay." He murmured gently, planting a kiss against the crook of Berwald's neck. The Swede returned the hug, resting his chin atop his lover's head. Unfortunately he had to pull away and retrieve his suitcase, but he took Berwald's hand shortly after.

"It's okay." He said again. "Everything is going to be fine."

Berwald nodded, and let himself be led out by the Finn. The drive to the airport was had in silence, Tino curled against his chest the whole way there non-the-less. When they were finally waiting in the terminal, standing and holding each other, Tino spoke again.

"I expect you to keep in contact with me, love. I'm going to miss you like fuck."

"AH'll miss ya' too- ya' sure ya' don't want to be 'way right now… after all that?" The Swede asked.

"I am. I love you, so don't go thinking you're getting out of this- you're stuck with me now. I expect you to be there." Tino chuckled. It earned him a grateful kiss from his lover.

"Ah will be." He responded, after they parted. Tino nodded, eyes glassing over a little when he caught sight of the time. One minute left. Giving him one last kiss, he took his bag and took a step back.

"See you soon." He said, softly.

"Ja." Berwald responded, just as soft.

And after he was seated and his flight took off, he allowed himself to start to try and reason through the earlier incident again.

* * *

><p>For a time that was supposed to be so heart-warming, it felt more like someone was driving an ice pick through Tino's chest.<p>

He had found out on the ride over why a four letter word gave him such a jolt, and though his brain didn't quite process it at first, his heart knew right away. It taunted him from inside of his ribcage, beat whispers through his veins and told him that it was _aching, aching, aching_ because-

Fuck he wasn't going to acknowledge that. He would be so screwed if he did. Then again, wouldn't it be worse if he didn't? Being blind to the world, he had learned, only worked until it shoved itself in his fucking face and forced him to swallow everything he didn't ever want to know. So he sat at the counter, smiling vacantly as he tried to shut that stream of thought out from his mind before it ate him alive, just like the monster and just like the hungry eyes that tried to strip him bare wherever he went.

Mamma was making cookies. He supposed that he should help her. She looked so lonely there, not five feet away, and wouldn't it be great if he could just get up off of his ass and fucking do something to help for a few minutes? Slowly he stood, and he supposed that he looked a little sick because she asked if he was okay before he found himself smiling and laughing and assuring her that everything was _just fine ma, just peachy, _before he rolled up his sleeves, took a bowl and started to mix the ingredients.

He stared at the ingredients as he worked, watching the butter dissolve into the milk and the sugar stick to the sticky milk-butter hybrid that was starting to take form. Father always called this women's work- a wives task. Father was also a sexist, homophobic douche bag, but that wasn't the point. This was stereotypical, wasn't it, to have the wife in the kitchen and cooking? It was. He knew it. All his life he had seen those gender roles, pink kitchen play-sets for little girls and blue toolboxes for all the boys and the assumptions were always the same- _what a lovely wife she'd make one day- _they'd say of the little girls, and -_what a handsome man he'll be-_ to the boys. But somehow… somehow he just never fit. He played in that kitchen too, with the rest of the little girls, and no one told him that he would make a lovely wife. Not until Berwald.

The dough was in clumps now, almost clumped enough to start to place it on the cookie-sheets, and he picked it up and kneaded it gently in his hands. He continued to stare at it and tried to imagine. Imagine Berwald only feet away, watching him, with that stern but care-filled stare, after having built a fire (Berwald seemed like the type of man that would build fires) and waiting for him to finish. When the cookies were in the oven his handsome lover would take his usual strides over and hold his waist before kissing him, properly on the lips like he always did. Then they would kiss, and kiss, and kiss, until they were breathless and then maybe Berwald would bend him over the counter or push him against the wall so that Tino could give him all of those things that a wife is supposed to give-

_Ooh_. That was getting far too kinky for the moment. He felt his face flush and gulped in a breath of fresh air, trying to compose himself. His hair stuck to his slightly sweaty forehead, and methodically he placed the cookie dough in rows on the sheets, milling over his little fantasy in his mind. It had been quite lovely. Actually, it had been _really_ lovely. That- that was something that maybe, he could see himself doing. Maybe. If he didn't push him away before then.

It took him a few minutes before he realized that no matter how many times he scraped the bowl there were no way he was getting another row of cookies onto the sheet. At that, he allowed himself to put the first tray in the oven before taking the dirtied kitchen supplies to the sink and tried to remember how to properly wash dishes. If he was serious about this wife thing- which, really, as much as it scared him he kind of maybe felt like he was- he should at least kind of sort of have a rough idea of how to do 'wifely' things. After a few minutes of pondering he decided to fill the sink with suds and pull on the rubber gloves before he started to scrub, staring at his face in the dirtied water.

He wasn't perfect. He wasn't, by any means, what people should think of when they thought about a trophy wife. He face wasn't completely clear, and he wasn't the golden ratio of what a human should look like. His hair was plain, a little wavy if he didn't take care of it right, and he had a little more fat on him than he would have liked. But what really, _really_ set him apart was that he wasn't blissfully ignorant like the rest of those stupid little fucks were. Sometimes he wished that he was- it would be nice to stop over thinking things- but he knew in his gut that it would never happen.

Would Berwald still want him if he was more than just a pretty little thing to call wife? There was no way to answer the question without asking, but there was also no way to ask. Inevitably, he would slip one day and do something that didn't _seem_ like him but would be exactly who he really was, and then- only then- would he really know. Somehow though, he wasn't sure if he wanted to.

He wasn't sure of exactly how long he stood there, but he knew it was until the water had chilled considerably and started to empty out of the sink through the poorly plugged drain. With a barely audible breath he took the supplies out and dried them, putting them away before going into the living room to wait for the cookies to be done.

If Berwald were there he knew he would have made better use of the time.

* * *

><p>The Oxenstierna family sat in silence, watching the fire burn, as they sipped their coffee. It was always kind of like this, so peaceful, on Christmas Eve. Tomorrow they would make their rounds, visit the near-by branches of their family for a while, before returning home for the evening.<p>

"Ya' miss him." The mother stated. It was not accusing nor was it a question. It was simply a statement.

"Ja." Berwald responded. "Ahm sorry." He added. He felt terrible always waiting to have his pretty lover back in his arms when his mother remained alone. It was hard right then, though. For as much as the two texted each other they hadn't said a word about their… er, incident, yet, and the tension was killing him.

"Dun be," she said, "Ahm glad ya' found someone sa' lovely."

"Tack." He said.

They both knew it was only a matter of moments before one of them broke the silence. For some odd reason they always chose Christmas Eve to talk about the year ahead in his childhood- it worked well, seeing as he wouldn't be home for New Year's due to scheduling conflicts.

"What're ya' gonna do when yer out of school?" She asked. "D'ya have any ideas?"

"…'sides trade school?" He asked.

"Ja." She responded.

Berwald thought about that one. Of course he had some thoughts, but they were all so loosely organized. Probably not the best plan of action for his senior year, but sometimes it was hard to find time to think. He supposed that he knew what he would do for a job- he'd find some furniture store while he was going to school, learn a few tips (not like he didn't already know the best ones from his mother) and then he'd work on selling his work. Get an apartment, somewhere along the line…

…He knew that he was skirting around one very important issue.

Alright, so he knew that he was young. And so was Tino. And so was their romance. But… there were these things that he felt that just felt so impossible to ignore. There was just this way that the beautiful boy could always make his heart beat, and there was just this feeling from being with him that always felt so right-

Fuck it. If this wasn't being in love he didn't know what was.

"…Ah wanna stay with him." He said, tentatively. "Ah dunno how it'd work, but ah wanna stay with him. Ah… guess it's a bit idealistic. But ah wan' him."

"Idealistic isn't always bad." She said. "Sometimes it just gives ya' somethin' to work for."

He nodded. It did indeed give him something to work for, that was for sure.

"Yer always welcome here, whenever ya' want or need." She assured, after a sip of coffee. "Ya' can bring him, too."

That was enough to bring a small smile to the usually stoic teens face. "Thank you, ma."

"Yer welcome."

And at that they returned to their previous comfortable silence until the fire died down and the coals only glowed.

* * *

><p>Later in as he lie in bed, Tino supposed that his Christmas present was a silent night. There was no yelling this evening. None this break, actually- the fuck face must have realized he did quite a number on him last time.<p>

Still, he stared up at the ceiling, unable to sleep as usual. The tiny glow of light on his phone told him that it was 1:06 am, and that _yes, Tino, this is when normal people should be sleeping_ but for some reason he still couldn't bring himself to close his eyes and rest. Maybe it was a bad habit, made out of every sleepless night that he ever had in this house. Maybe it was a reflex, so he didn't feel so bad when it kept him up. Maybe he was over thinking things.

Rolling over on his side, he sighed slightly and tried to get comfortable. He should be happy, he knew. He should be at peace, even if just for one fucking night. He knew that he should- he just couldn't be. Not here. Not now…

Not alone.

He picked up his phone again and fiddled with it. Berwald was probably sleeping by now, and it would be quite rude to wake him. It was Christmas Eve, after all- well, Christmas at this point- and he was sure that his boyfriend had things to do and places to be tomorrow… but somehow it didn't stop him from texting him.

**To: Berwald~**

**You awake?**

**Sent: 1:07 am**

One minute passed. And then two. And then he started to think that maybe he was being a little unreasonable trying to get a hold of him at this hour when his phone lit up.

**From: Berwald~**

**Ja. How are you?**

**Received: 1:10 am**

With a strange feeling of surprise and relief he composed a reply.

**To: Berwald~**

**I couldn't sleep, I'm sorry. I know we already said goodnights, but I just haven't even been able to close my eyes. I miss you.**

**Sent: 1:12 am**

**From: Berwald~**

**I miss you too. Are your parents asleep?**

**Received: 1:13 am**

**To: Berwald~**

**Yeah. They'll stay that way if I talk quietly enough. **

**Sent: 1:14 am **

A moment later Tino found his phone lighting up with his boyfriend's call, and he picked up quickly.

"Hei." He whispered, smiling softly.

"Hej." Berwald responded, voice also hushed. "Ya 'kay?" He asked.

Tino nodded, realized his boyfriend couldn't see him, and then responded. "Yes. I was just… I don't know. Up too late, thinking too hard about things, not sleeping enough."

If the Finnish teen could have seen the other's face, he would have seen gentle concern in his features. "Ahm sorry."

"For what?" Tino asked, gently.

"Fer troublin' ya'." He responded. He felt that he really should have just kept his mouth shut, or at least waited until after break to drop that whole _'hey, I've kind of been having dirty fantasies of you as my wife'_ thing on him.

"What do you-" Tino started, and then stopped when he realized what he meant. "Oh… oh."

"About the whole… ya' know."

"Ber, really, that's not a problem."

"Ja it is- ahm imposing."

"No you're not," Tino argued. "It's not imposing to share what's been on your mind. After all- how am I supposed to know what you need if you never tell me?" He asked. Maybe that applied more to himself than to Berwald, but it was far fucking easier to tell someone that you liked calling them wife than it was to tell someone that you wanted them to choke you.

Berwald thought for a moment. "…Ya' sure ya' aren't…" He trailed off, unsure of what to call it. Mad? Upset? Disgusted that your boyfriend thinks such creepy things?

"I am not upset, Berwald. I wasn't sure what to respond, but I'm definitely not upset." He assured. "And really. If that's what you need, then… please, have it. It's alright." He smiled softly as he finally made his decision to just go ahead and _do it_, regretting that one could only communicate so much over the phone.

Tino… just gave him permission to fulfill that fantasy. "Ah love you." Berwald responded immediately after he processed it, desperately wishing that he could hold his lover.

"I love you too, baby." Tino responded with a soft giggle. "Hey… just talk to me. I don't really want to go yet." He added.

And so, liberated from a sort of a strange weight that had been hanging over them, they talked. They talked about nothing in particular; they just talked to hear each other speak. They talked long hours, until the sun started to stain the very bottom of the sky and both of them knew that they would only be getting a few hours of sleep at best.

And finally, though shaky and struggling to rearrange himself for sleep, Tino found himself feeling at peace.

* * *

><p>On New Year's Eve, the airport traffic was still surprisingly steady.<p>

Tino sat on his suitcase in front of the window, watching the lights from the near-by city celebrations in the distance and waiting for Berwald's flight to come in. The display on his cell-phone read eleven thirty eight, and the TV broadcast behind him went on about how it was almost the end of the year.

Never once had he been kissed on New Year's before, and he wondered if this year would be any exception. Berwald's flight was due eleven forty-five and that meant he would have exactly fifteen minutes to find his boyfriend. Would he mind? The kiss was a tradition- one that he had never yet been a part of, sure, but one that he wanted to be part of no-less.

He wasn't sure when he zoned out, but he was bought back to reality by an announcement that Berwald's flight number had just landed. Quickly, he got up and scrambled to meet him, hanging onto his bag and trying to make it through the mess of people in front of him. He apologized whenever he managed to collide with someone, but never stopped. Those minutes were ticking by, dammit. He was wasting precious time.

Berwald faced a similar plight as he moved slowly through the mass of people, trying to locate Tino. Luckily, he was at an advantage thanks to his height, though he still somewhat struggled to differentiate among the many blonde heads bobbing in the crowd. Eventually, though, he spotted those familiar violet eyes trying to look over the masses, and started to make his way towards them.

Looking around slightly frantically, Tino tried to spot his lover. Dammit! Wasn't his height supposed to make it even a little easier? He almost screamed when he felt someone grab his arm, but turned and realized that it was Berwald- luck was with him that night.

"Berwald!" He smiled, hugging him tightly

Berwald pulled him closer and rubbed his back, breathing him in. They may have stayed like that longer if it weren't for the sudden sound of a countdown coming from a near-by T.V.

_Fifty-seven, fifty-six, fifty-five…_

Tino looked up at the Swedish teen, smiling softly.

"Hei." He smiled.

"Hej." His lover replied.

_Forty-five, forty-four, forty-three…_

"So, um, it's almost New Year's…" The Finn started awkwardly.

_Thirty-two, thirty-one, thirty…_

"Ja." The Swede responded.

"And ah, well there's that tradition and stuff… The one about the kiss…"

_Fourteen, thirteen, twelve…_

Berwald needed no more prompting. He took Tino's chin in his hand and met his eyes, tilted his head and leaned in…

_Three, two, one…_

And finally, the two celebrated their first New Year's kiss in the middle of the terminal; people swimming around them that could never understand the sheer beauty of the moment.

* * *

><p>Author's Note: HAPPY NEW YEAR!<p>

Yes, here is the first installment of the new year! Happy Holidays, too, I didn't quite make it in time for those but there's some Christmas-y stuff in there. I hope that everyone can enjoy- I always do whatever I can.

Please be gentle, and comments may possibly make me smile. A lot.


	16. Chapter 16

Waking up early in the morning was not something that Tino could do with grace.

The iPod alarm wailed at him and the Finn pretended not to hear it, instead remaining limp against Berwald's chest. Three days really wasn't enough time for him to get back in the swing of things, especially when, in those days, more time was spent awake than asleep. He wasn't complaining—Berwald made him see stars the whole way through—but really, he supposed that he could have maybe made a wiser choice and slept a little more in between.

The taller man gave a small grunt of effort as he shifted to reach the device and turn it off, then turned back to Tino's half sleeping form. He was precious, and what Berwald really wanted to do was just blow off the day's lessons and keep the sleepy Finn cradled against his chest in their bed for the entire day, but he knew that there wasn't a good enough excuse for him to miss the first day back. Reluctantly he sat up and Tino seemed to twitch a little, but still he said nothing as though he could convince Berwald that no, really, he couldn't be woke. It was really cute, actually, and the Swedish teen felt slightly guilty as he started to gingerly shake his lover's shoulder.

"Tino," he started, gently, "Ah can tell yer 'wake."

Tino groaned and curled closer to the man and pulled the covers over himself, eyes still closed. "Noooo…" He whined, voice muffled against his lover's chest.

Berwald furrowed his brow, confused. "Yer not 'wake?"

"No. I'm not. I'm sleeping." The Finnish teen mumbled.

"Then how're ya' respondin'?" The Swede countered, almost like an adult trying to reason with a child.

"I'm sleep talking." Tino insisted, stubbornly.

"Sleep talkin'?"

"Yes. Sleep talking. It's a lost art, you know."

At that Berwald couldn't help but chuckle, and Tino's lips curled into a grin before he slowly blinked his violet eyes open.

"Yer talkin' crazy." Berwald teased gently, before leaning to kiss the crown of his lover's hair. Tino just giggled.

"I know." The Finn replied, still with a hint of laughter in his voice. "But that's why you love me."

" 'Tis." The taller of the two affirmed, and then leaned in slowly, hesitantly, towards Tino's lips.

Tino was not nearly as inhibited and melded their lips together, humming softly as he did. Berwald wrapped his arms around his lover and held the connection, sweet and chaste yet somehow passionate all the same, and when they parted the Finnish teen's lips curled into another grin.

"You know, Ber, you really can't be so shy about giving your wife a quality good morning kiss." He said playfully, and Berwald blushed.

"Alright." He agreed, shyly. It made Tino laugh, and the Swede couldn't help but smile at the way his voice rang. In the few days they had been back together Tino had supported his… quirk? Kink? Fetish? He wasn't sure what the right term was, but Tino had been wonderful about indulging him. He ran his fingers through his lover's hair, earning a satisfied sigh from the teen.

"Ya' ready now?" He asked, gently.

"No." Tino replied, still leaning into his hand. "Kiss me, you fool!" He cried, melodramatically. Berwald didn't have to be told twice.

* * *

><p>Eventually, the two stumbled out of bed after an incredibly impulsive and incredibly long make out session that may have went somewhere had the second alarm not gone off. By that point they were undeniably behind schedule, and after they pulled clothes on they about ran to get down to the cafeteria to get just <em>something<em> to eat so that they wouldn't starve until they could get lunch later that afternoon.

It was only once he noticed the strange stares from around the room that Tino realized that the reason his clothes felt so loose today was not so much that he had lost that much weight, but that he had grabbed some of Berwald's clothing instead. Currently he was garbed in a t-shirt and hoodie that almost swallowed him, and though he had managed to grab a fitting pair of jeans the socks crammed into his red converse were also a little larger than his own. His cheeks tinted pink at the realization and he looked down with a shy smile, and Berwald raised an eyebrow.

"Ya' okay?" He asked.

"Yeah." Tino replied, giving a sidelong glance to a group of students that had been staring for a few minutes at that point.

"Are ya' sure?" Berwald asked again. He wasn't the best at talking, but he could usually read people well enough to tell when they were telling the truth or when there was more to be heard.

This time, the Finn stopped and thought a bit.

Did any of it really matter? He didn't know them. They didn't know him- what was the worst they could do, call him a faggot? Oh, like he hadn't heard that one before. And really, what did it mean to him anyway? That he liked men? That he liked being fucked? It was all true. Was it really so much a source of shame that calling attention to it _hurt_ him?

For the first time in years he realized how ridiculous he was being.

Slowly his lips curled upwards. "I'm feeling great." He finally replied again, genuinely, weightlessly, and looked up at Berwald with a smile on his face. "Couldn't be better."

* * *

><p>There was something that had changed between the time that they had left for break and right then, Tino noticed. It was a bit hard to pinpoint exactly what, but it was there, just as much as he was breathing and just as much as anything was tangible. They still had their same routines of sleeping, waking, love-making, but it all felt so much… more. It was as though a veil had been lifted, and now everything was so much brighter and so much clearer than ever before.<p>

Initially, he had just played along with the wife role out of love. But the further into it he went, the more he sunk into it and let himself get totally lost in it, the more he started to grow attached to it himself. He started to observe Berwald just a little bit more closely, and he learned a lot of things about his assumed husband. He watched the man when he worked, the way he didn't glare but squinted to see what he was doing because he was precise, and never satisfied with anything less. He was a perfectionist. He watched his lover when they spoke, noticed the way his eyes twinkled and he just smiled in his own silent way when most would have vocalized, and he learned how to tell what he was really saying. And oh, he had so much to say. He watched him when he slept, regal and peaceful and tangled up with him, and it made him realize how gentle he could be. He was almost fragile. He watched the man when they made love, his reactions, his movements and shudders, the way he let out small cries while he fucked himself into the Finn's tightness, and it made him realize just how raw he could be- how vulnerable he was.

And all of it made the Finn fall even more deeply in love.

They walked through the hallways the same way that they laid together, naturally, easily, contentedly. It all just felt so, so right, more right than anything else they had ever felt before. It could be anything—all Tino knew was that it was _right_, and he couldn't quite explain why but it was just this strange and wonderful feeling that he never wanted to go away. He stopped noticing when people stared at him for wearing Berwald's clothes. Their little whispers and contemplations didn't reach him anymore. Fuck them all. He and Berwald may as well have been wed already; they sure as hell weren't letting anything get between them. Still though, sometimes he just wished that he could have had as easy a time telling Berwald his secrets as Berwald had telling him.

It still hung over his head, just like it had been as it followed him for years. He still thought about it, still held his breath sometimes when they made love as though it could be a pseudo substitute until his lover reminded him to _breathe, wife, just breathe_ and then he always had to because fuck he didn't want to scare him. He never meant to scare him. It was the same guilt he felt when the other caught him crying after those god damn phone calls and the same guilt that he felt for worrying him the first night that they had decided to cohabitate, and he hated it but still- But still. Tino loved him enough to go through it. He loved his perfectionism, the way that he talked with his eyes, the way that he slept and the way that he loved.

And because of that he dredged on, dragging dirty, dirty things behind him because they were too damn heavy to hold on his shoulders anymore.

* * *

><p>Never once did he think that he would have to learn what the end of the world looked like from their own bed.<p>

It was a normal night, all things considered. Tino found his way into Berwald's lap after the kissing stared. This time it was passionate and rough, and Tino could feel his teeth crashing into Berwald's each time their mouths connected. Maybe it was because the day had been long, or maybe it was because it had just been that long since they had last had a night like this, or maybe it was because somehow, they both knew deep down that something was going to give.

He whined slightly when the Swedish teen bit his lip. It was nights like these that he liked because it was nights like these that he could lose his mind and really, really let feeling take over. Sure, he cherished the softer, gentler nights as well, but those were those, and this was this.

When they parted he gasped for air, and he could feel saliva strings on his lips and on his chin. Their eyes met and wordlessly they de-robed, Berwald propping himself up against the pillows once he was bare and Tino laying belly-down on the bed so that his nose was at the tip of his lover's half-hard erection. Berwald gasped when he felt the Finn's soft breath against it, and Tino brushed against the heated skin with his lips ever-so-lightly.

"Want me?" He asked in a whisper, the words carrying his breath against the member again.

"Yes." Berwald breathed, shakily, hips bucking forward slightly to meet moistened lips.

Satisfied with the answer, Tino smiled and kissed the tip wetly, poking his tongue out to glide over the slit. It was a strong flavour, and he moaned when his mouth watered at it. He could feel the Swede gasp at the vibration, and he wasn't surprised when the man twisted his hands in his hair and pushed him further onto length. He relaxed his jaw to take it, and if he could have spoken he may have taunted his lover for being so eager. But he couldn't, so he didn't, and instead he just let the man fuck his face.

The Swede's girth was large, and the Finnish teen's jaw was always a little sore after opening that wide to take him, but he tried not to think about that as the throbbing organ started to slide down his throat. It was a tight fit with how deep it was going, but Berwald, needy for more of the maddening sensation, pushed down harder, deeper, and Tino gave a light half-whimper half-moan as he gagged on the erection. He could feel himself slowly being deprived of air and he moaned, staying absolutely still, hoping that maybe the other would go just far enough so that he could indulge himself in his own dirty little way.

Berwald let out a low, guttural moan and started to buck into the Finn's hot, wet mouth. His lover's eyes had fluttered almost closed over flushed and full cheeks, and he looked half-drugged with his mouth held open like that as he moaned so wantonly. That sight before him made his member twitch even more frantically than before. He thrust harder, and Tino simply made a few more light humming noises with the occasional gag, letting the man have his way. This was a perfect wife, Berwald was sure, so selfless, giving, beautiful, kind.

Tightening his throat around the member as he grinded his own erection against the sheets, Tino realized that he would make a terrible wife. Selfishness was never something to indulge in, and yet here he was just taking and taking and _taking_ what he needed, feeling the air slipping from his lungs and feeling a mind blowing orgasm coming on from the sick little things that he liked to do to himself. His head started to feel tingly and light, and he slowly started to let himself succumb because yes, yes, oh god he was almost there just a little more-

He almost wanted to scream in frustration when the length was pulled from his mouth, pulled from his throat, and a gulp of fresh air violated his lungs again. He was panting heavily, looking up at Berwald in utter shock and why-did-you-do-that-to-me-I-was-so-close-

_Poor baby_, Berwald thought, as he stroked Tino's hair gently after having pulled out from his lips. He looked so disoriented, disheveled, and the saliva and pre-cum that hung from his lips only added to the look. He was precious, and as sick as it was Berwald wanted to take advantage of him while he was just like that.

"Ah wanna be inside a'yoo." He cooed, still stroking the pretty Finn's hair. Strong arms pulled his lover into his lap and held his waist, and Berwald took one of his hands and ran it over the Finnish teen's lips, gathering the saliva and precum that was dripping from them. He poked the digits inside the other's mouth just enough to get a thicker coating on them before moving his hand back to find his lover's hole, circling at the entrance.

"Ah wanna be inside a'yoo."

'You were inside of me-' Tino almost snapped, but he held back and crushed their lips together instead to try and re-create the dizziness that he was so quickly losing. Berwald's kisses were gentle, too god-damn gentle, and he tongued fiercely at the other wondering where his earlier fierceness had gone. _Be rough with me._ He internally pleaded. _Be rough, be violent, choke me choke me choke me-_

Berwald let Tino take over the kiss and he gently worked a finger inside of him, shivering at the tightness. God he wanted to be in there. He needed to prepare his wife first though; he didn't want to tear him. If he was going to be rougher once he was inside of his lover he needed adequate preparation. He continued to probe, slowly going deeper. A frustrated moan escaped the Finn and he broke the kiss, gasping as he spoke.

"More." He demanded, and Berwald kissed his neck gently before carefully working a second finger in next to the first one, pushing past the initial resistance. He scissored the two carefully, and Tino let out an almost animalistic cry as he squirmed onto them, trying for more, more, more- A third digit pushed its way in and Tino gasped, now riding the hand as it worked inside of him. Berwald continued to move his fingers, almost worried with the sight in front of him that he would come before he even got inside.

Tino made sure that it didn't happen, though.

"Ber," he panted, "Just take me already." He begged, voice laced with lust and impatience and eyes hazy. He didn't care if his body was ready to take it or not, he was ready. He had been ready long before.

Almost relieved Berwald pulled his fingers out in a single motion, causing a small popping noise to be heard, and he moved them so that now Tino lay under him on the bed, a leg over his shoulder, entrance in line with his aching cock.

"Ready, wife?" He asked, pressed flush against him.

"Yes dear." Tino played along and whined desperately, and that was all of the encouragement that Berwald needed to hold the Finn's hips in place and thrust inside of the tight heat, grunting as he forced it open so wide. Once past the first ring it encased him, and Tino threw his head back and cried out at the welcome intrusion as Berwald gasped.

"Oh god Berwald _fuck me!_" He wailed, still aching for release after his earlier orgasm had been denied. The Swede didn't have to be told twice, and he pulled out to the tip before slamming himself back in again, setting a fast and harsh pace for the two of them. They both needed it, and he could tell, and he moaned as he was pulled back into the tightness for every time that he pulled out. Chest heaving, Tino made long, drawn out noises that were something between a moan and a cry, and he gripped onto the sheets to try and distract himself from thinking worse thoughts. Just let him come, Tino, just let him come and you'll manage too there's no need to think about that, now- Oh, but yes there was. He needed it.

Berwald's hands moved from his hips and held Tino's face as he leaned in to kiss him, and all throughout the tongue war all he could feel was _his thumbs, pressing ever so gently below his jaw, at his throat and it wasn't intentional but- _

And then he snapped, all self-preservation thrown out the window and covered Berwald's hands with his own, dragging them down to close over his throat. Then, finally, there was that sweet relief of what he had been craving for months. He kissed back harshly, draining himself of air and letting himself start to numb and so close, so close, so close-

Berwald broke the kiss once he felt Tino take his hands, unsure of what was happening at first. He froze once he saw what was. Tino's hands and _his own hands_, on that fragile, pale, pretty throat, squeezing- he didn't want to do this! What in hell was happening? He pulled their hands free and stopped his thrusts and Tino gasped, taking in air, and the Swede could feel himself trembling as he stared down numbly at the only half-conscious body below him.

Again, oxygen invaded his lungs and he felt his head spinning as he slowly came back to reality. Fuck. Again… He struggled to focus his vision and when he did he saw Berwald, only he wasn't moving much and he had the strangest expression on his face…

Oh god. What had he just done? He was still numb and his body betrayed him, forbidding him from movement or even sound. All he could do was breathe heavy, long breaths.

It felt wrong to still be inside of him like that, Berwald thought, and quickly he pulled out and moved back, letting Tino catch his breath. Fuck. _Fuck_. What… He wasn't even sure what questions he should be asking. Tino… Tino tried to make him choke him? Tino choked himself? Tino… God. He felt his eyes water just looking at the other, laying used on the bed before him, covered in saliva and precum and sweat, and his stomach churned. This was so wrong. He couldn't be here right now. Not after that, whatever that was.

He needed to think.

Half-hard he stood up, pulling on a pair of lounge pants haphazardly and yanking on a t-shirt as well. Tino realized that his lover was up and dressing and moving away from him, and suddenly the panic set in. He forced himself to breathe enough so that he could sit up and _speak_ so that maybe they could work this out-

"Berwald," Tino finally managed, breaths coming out in small gasps and words only whispers, "Berwald I can-"

The Swedish man shook his head and quickly moved to the door, unable to even speak, and at that he was gone to somewhere that he wasn't quite sure of where yet. Tino tried to stumble after him but was still too weak and out of breath to fully stand. He ended up collapsing on the floor after a few half-steps, and all he could do was take a shuddering breath in before the bitterest of tears came.

And that was when he realized that tonight was the night that he had finally driven Berwald away.

* * *

><p>Berwald wandered through the corridors quickly, still unsure of where to go. He had moved floors just in case the other had left the room to avoid having to speak just yet, and he mentally ran through options. Going to the nurse's suite was an option. He could just say he was violently ill, and Mr. Wang would be sure to give him at least a day of staying there so he didn't infect anyone else. Still though, what if he needed more than a day, and what if he couldn't feign the illness?<p>

He supposed that he could go to Gilbert's room. He knew the silverette, and the self-proclaimed Prussian let anyone who needed a room crash on the floor (he had to repay them all for dragging his drunken ass back onto campus somehow). Still though, then he'd have to put up with his prying, and surely the Frenchman would press him for a story to gossip about. Antonio might be more understanding, but he would still have to face Francis eventually there. Lars? He got along well with the man, they both spoke little, but he didn't want to risk getting caught by his professors reeking of weed. Matthieu was an agreeable boy, but he probably couldn't be bothered at this time of night.

That left him with one choice that he really, really didn't want to make. He made his way down to the familiar room, listening closely. No slapping of skin, no gasping, no moaning. They were usually fucking, they were always fucking, and even then there was a chance that somehow they were fucking, but now seemed like as good a time as any to try his luck. Berwald rapped on the door softly, waiting for a response.

Groggy mumbling could be heard from a corner of the room, and the sound of shuffling and sheets came before heavy footsteps thudding towards the door. When it opened Mathias stood in the doorway, hair mussed up even more than usual, almost surprised at his visitor.

"Waldy?" He asked in surprise, not even bothering to whisper. "Man, what bought you here?"

Nikolai sat up in bed (it was exactly the way he had left it, and them, two twin mattresses pressed together to make a full bed minus his that used to make it even bigger-) and leaned to look past Mathias, equally as surprised to see the other there.

"Waldy?" Mathias asked again. "Hey, you don't look too good…"

That was his breaking point. A tear slipped from Berwald's eye and he took a shaky breath in, and for once Mathias managed to be serious.

"Come on in Berwald." He said, taking his old friend by the hand and leading him into the room. Nikolai moved over so that there was room on the bed for Berwald to sit and gingerly put a hand on his shoulder for the first time since they all stopped talking, and more tears came.

"Just hang in there Waldy, it'll be okay." Mathias tried, not the best at comfort but sensing the need for it. "Uh…"

"Get him some water you dolt." Nikolai prompted, rubbing the Swede's back.

"Right!" The Dane agreed, and looked around the room for a bottle that wasn't full of beer.

"There there, just relax…" The Norwegian soothed more gently.

"Is this it Nikki?" Mathias asked, holding up a thermos.

"No, that's my tea."

"Oh."

"Check my book bag."

"Right-o!"

The Danish teen dug through the book bag and eventually found the bottled water, bringing it over to the Swede and offering it to him. Berwald took it gratefully and held it to his dry lips, taking a few long sips. For some reason, Nikolai always knew what would calm him and Mathias down when they were all still together, and it seems that he had never lost that knowledge. After steadying his breathing he handed the bottle back to Mathias, who took a drink of it while he had it before setting it on the bed side table.

"Are you okay?" Nikolai asked, after a minute had elapsed. Berwald shook his head.

"Can you talk?"

"Ja." Berwald rasped, weakly.

"Okay. Can you tell me how you got here?" Nikolai started.

"Ah came down the stairs an' walked aroun' a while."

"Good. Where were you before?"

"In mah room."

"Were you alone?"

"No."

Taking a breath in, Nikolai asked his next question.

"Was it Tino?"

"Yes." Berwald barely whispered. Mathias furrowed his brow, listening.

"Did you fight?" The Norwegian asked tentatively.

"… Na' exactly."

"What happened?"

"… Ah dunno."

"Berwald?"

"Ja?"

"We won't judge you. You just have to tell us what happened." Nikolai prompted, gentle as he could. Mathias nodded.

"Look man, even if he fucked you in the ass I wouldn't rag on you about it. Just say what's on your mind; it's weird when you're like this." The Dane encouraged.

"… Ah think ah hurt him." Berwald finally responded.

"Not enough lube?" The Dane asked.

"No. Ah…" He sighed. "He put mah hands on his throat…" Mathias raised his brows a little.

"That's some kinky shit. Didn't know Tino was into that."

"Mathias!" Berwald said, voice cracking. "Ah think ah _hurt_ him! Wasn't somethin' we ever talked 'bout, he was chokin' an' his lips were blue an-" he stopped, unable to take the rest of it. Both of the other boys stopped and let their friend catch his breath, and Mathias grabbed the bottle of water again and sighed. After the other stopped shaking as badly, Nikolai intervened.

"So basically he forced you."

"What?" Berwald asked, quietly.

"He made you do something you weren't comfortable with."

Berwald couldn't respond to that. It was like his mouth was full of sand, and it was going down his throat, and even if he opened for a breath that wouldn't fix anything- Mathias pushed him to take a drink, and he did, slowly, and though his mouth felt clearer he still couldn't bring himself to speak.

"Berwald, what he did was wrong. Nothing is your fault; it's okay to feel scared or confused." Nikolai assured.

"But he did things fer me-" Berwald cut in, but was cut off by the other.

"He consented to those things though, didn't he?" The Norwegian countered. "They also weren't dangerous now, were they? I know you, Berwald. And I also know sex. And I also know if he was going to pull shit like that, he damn well had to tell you first."

"Yeah seriously dude," Mathias cut in, "even Nikki and I talked before we tried anything."

"But ah…" Berwald started to protest, but couldn't finish the thought.

"Berwald?" Nikolai pressed, gently, trying to bring him back to the moment.

"… Did he wan' it?" Berwald asked, slowly.

"It doesn't matter. You didn't."

"But he lemme call him wife, call's himself wife, an' he didn' wan' it."

"Calling someone a name and doing something potentially hazardous are two different things, Berwald!" The Norwegian exclaimed, exasperated. His eyes flashed dangerously, and he looked as though he were about to say more but stopped and caught his breath, composing himself before he continued. He sat back a moment, took a deep breath and closed his eyes before re-opening them and letting out the breath, and then he began to speak again. This time his voice was softer.

"Look Berwald. He consented to an active effort on his part. That's some sort of want right there, however little. What he did… that's different. That's the type of stuff that sends people into panic attacks, like this, and needs to be talked about. Don't try and defend him on that point."

Berwald remained silent, frozen in thought, and this time Mathias spoke.

"Berwald, it was a dick move. It was."

The Swedish teen sighed, and then managed to look at the two.

"Well whaddya want me to do?" he asked. "Ah still care 'bout him. Ah wanna stay with him…"

"Berwald, think about this. He _hurt_ you. You're in shock, and I know you can't process too much right now and you're hanging onto other things but is it really right for you to stay? Is _that_ really something that _you_ can love?" Nikolai challenged.

"It takes a lot to _live _with those kinds of needs, Wadly. It takes time, effort, patience, and just a special type of person capable of dealing with special types of fucked up. Do you really want 'fucked up' to be your 'normal'?" Mathias added, helping his lover's case.

"You do kinky stuff too." The Swede responded, weakly.

"We do. But we were ready for that, Waldy. We're both that kind of fucked up. But you, you aren't. You're lying if you say that you are, because you wouldn't be here right now if you were." The Dane countered.

From Berwald's lips came silence. Mathias took the opportunity to continue speaking.

"Look, Waldy… It's been a long time since freshman year. I know that. I mean, we're the fucking senior class now for god's sake. And we didn't talk to you- well, really talk- to you for a very long time, and we're sorry about that. But look…" He sighed, eyes glazing over like they sometimes did when he was serious, and Berwald wracked his brain to remember the last time that he had seen the man like this.

"We still care about you Berwald," The Dane picked up, "and sometimes, we think about what we could all do… you know, instead of just pretend that we don't all know each other like we do."

"Mathias-" Berwald started, and Nikolai hushed him gently.

"Berwald, just listen." He cooed. "Please."

And that took him back to his freshman year, before the whole fucking mess, when he and Mathias would both be so star-struck over the Norwegian and they used to share the feeling instead of fighting for it-

"And we think about it. And… well, one day we decided something. If you ever came back, we'd make it just the three of us again… only this time it would be far more equal." The Danish teen said, voice low.

"… But ah'm in love with Tino…" The Swede protested, softly.

"But he hurt you. You can't go back right now, but you sure as hell don't want to be alone again, do you?" Mathias coaxed.

"Ah just need some time to think."

"Spend some time with us."

"Ah won' be unfaithful."

"Never said you had to be- just leave him first, solves everything."

"Ah dun wanna leave him!" Berwald cried, a shuddering breath following his proclamation.

"Hush, shhh. Calm, it's okay. You don't have to do anything right now." Nikolai soothed. The Swedish teen breathed, and when he next spoke sounded almost drugged.

"Ah dun wanna leave him…"

"I know."

"I love him."

"Does he love you?"

The Swedish teen remained silent for a moment, and Nikolai sighed.

"Look, Berwald. You're not feeling quite okay right now. You're confused. You're upset. You're hurt. And look, I know we had our differences, but… but we're still your friends, Ber." He cooed, and all Berwald could think of was Tino, in that same voice, saying _Ber…_ "And friends don't let friends fall apart like this. We're you're friends Berwald. Mathias and I, we love you. We would make sure you were feeling alright. That's all we were trying to say there." He assured, gently. At that, Berwald relaxed a little, not even remembering when he came so tense but everything still hurt anyway-

" I don't feel _safe_ letting you go right now Berwald." The Norwegian continued. "I don't. And so I think you should wait this out a few days, really _think_ about what's happening and gather your head. Then you can go from there."

And somehow, maybe it was by the authority in his voice or the genuine concern in those usual ice blue eyes or the fact that Mathias looked like he was almost _crying_ for god sakes Mathias never cried, but Berwald nodded slowly to the two.

"Ya' really want me here?" He asked.

"Yes." Nikolai answered, all confidence.

"Hell yeah." Mathias smiled, with a sly grin. "We can have an threesome."

"Alright, ah'll stay the night." Berwald agreed. "M'not doin' anythin' questionable, though. Tino's-"

"Who needs that eastern _loser_?" Mathias spat, almost annoyed. "Look, he hurt you enough. Just forget about him for tonight. Let's talk about something else, m'kay?"

And even as he nodded slowly in some sort of acknowledgement to Mathias's request, he didn't comply. Berwald _couldn't_ bring himself to forget. He never could, he'd never be _able_ to- Tino had given him things, things that seemed like love. Things like his smile, the way that their hands hung clasped together as they walked, his scent when Berwald pressed kisses against his hair and temples and the way that they- oh god. Even if it was only pseudo-love, he ached for it still.

Not even the delirium the eventually came with sleeplessness could dull the agony.

* * *

><p>For once, Tino had no idea how to make it all better.<p>

He couldn't cope, oh _god_ he just couldn't cope. Hadn't he realized that this was dangerous, growing so dependent on something that he couldn't control- oh _fuck_ he was screwed. Slowly, slowly, as he managed to swallow down sobs instead of screaming them, he tried to think.

Berwald. Berwald was gone, somewhere without him, because… well, he hurt him. The Swedish teen couldn't have been ready for that; why the hell hadn't Tino stopped himself sooner? He could have insisted on finishing the blowjob, fantasized, even waited just a god-damn half an hour to take care of things- but no. He was reckless, and now he had to endure _this_.

He didn't know how the hell he would manage. Choking was tainted now. It ruined the sanctity that he and Berwald had created together, and somehow it just wasn't _comforting _at the moment purely because now it was now the problem and no longer the solution. Never once did he think that he would see this day. That was one way to curb an addiction, for sure.

He didn't want to go back to his room. He didn't want to go back to his cold, empty room and have to try and hide from the monsters that waited for him when he slept. He didn't have the key to this room, this warm, safe place that smelt of Berwald and their love-making. Maybe if he waited long enough Berwald would just come back? But… but what if this was his eviction notice?

He needed help. He needed someone to help him sort this all out before he went completely insane. He was already half-way there, and that impaired him enough. Slowly he took out his phone and started to thumb at the keys, scrolling through his contact list for an ever familiar number. He had never cared more about it than tonight.

The dial tone droned on and on, and eventually a voice weighed down by sleep answered.

"…Nngh… hello?..." The Estonian teen answered.

"Eh-Eduard-" Tino's voice pitched. "Do you have a minute?"

At that there was the shifting of blankets, and a yawn before a much clearer response. "Tino, what's wrong?"

"I… d-do you have a minute?" he croaked, unable to speak without a few shuddering sobs breaking his words.

"Tino, where are you?"

"Berwald's room… uh- uh-" A hiccup, a sob, "uh-lone… is there room on your floor?"

"You can have the bed."

"The floor is f-fine. Just t-t-tell me you have a minute."

"I have all night." _For you,_ Eduard would have added, if Tino didn't sound so much like falling apart and ready to snap at the slightest provocation-

"I- I'll be right th-there." He barely whispered.

"I'll get the spare blankets."

"Thank you." He murmured, before hanging up the phone and taking one last good, long look at the room that had served as his safe haven.

He left with a few souvenirs to keep his lover close to his heart.

* * *

><p>"Tino." Eduard prompted gently, staring down at his friend on the floor. The Finn's knees were curled to his chest, and his arms wrapped around them to cage himself in. His eyes were closed, and his nose was buried against the cloth in his lap, a few pieces of Berwald's clothing that had been discarded during the unfinished love-making session.<p>

"Tino." Eduard tried again.

"What?" Tino barely whispered.

"Why do you have those?" He asked, gently. Tino's eyes snapped open, and he stared up at the other.

"They were his. They still smell like him. He smells good. I love him." Tino babbled, rocking slightly.

"Tino…" The Estonian tried, gingerly, "Just calm down…"

"I can't calm down right now Eduard. I can't calm the fuck down. How the fuck do you expect me to calm down?" He asked, throwing his head back and either laughing or crying- it was hard to tell in that light, in that moment, with that bitterness dripping from his words.

"Tino-"

"I can't calm down I just pushed him away-"

"Look, just-"

"I can't calm down!" He wailed, tears trickling down his cheeks, and this time Eduard waited until his hysteria had died down and back into the unstable silence from earlier. When he was sure that Tino wasn't right about to speak, he tried talking to him again.

"Tino?"

"Yes?" He rasped, voice raw now. Eduard took a deep breath in before speaking, bracing himself for his friend's reaction to his question.

"What happened?" he asked quietly.

"He left me." Tino whispered. "He left me while we were making love."

That- that was something that Eduard hadn't expected. Who the hell would leave Tino in the middle of _touching_ him? The Finnish teen was probably the wet dream of everyone else in the damn institution, and Eduard came to the conclusion that the Swede had to be dumb or crazy to have left him like that. Either way, there was one thing that held true in both scenarios, and that was that the Swedish teen had to be heartless for leaving the Finn like this. Or maybe… he had a reason to leave? Did he fuck him and beat him and maybe, maybe things went too far-

"Oh my god… does he hurt you? Tino, how long has this been going on?" Eduard asked, concerned. He leaned in towards his friend, and Tino pulled back before responding.

"Nothing has been going on, Eduard-" He snapped, now on the verge of tears again, but then caught himself. "Look. Berwald didn't hurt me- not like that."

"Verbal abuse is a real thing."

"Not that either."

"Then what?"

"When he left me." Tino murmured, voice barely leaving his lips.

Eduard sighed. He knew that right now his friend was fragile, and he should not be focusing on his annoyance towards Berwald right now, but somehow it all seemed so… oh, it frustrated him.

"Tino, he's not god, he's not air, you won't die without him-"

"I will." Tino cut in, voice pitching. "You don't understand Eduard. You don't understand what it's like to be in love." He choked, swallowing down a hiccup.

"Tino, you are being irrational-"

"I am perfectly rational." Tino insisted, lip stiff. "I know what I feel, what I want, what I need. You don't."

A sigh. "Okay, point taken, but- oh god Tino, do you realize what you sound like right now?"

"Yes. Yes I do, Eduard. Crazy, right? You're trying to tell me I sound fucking crazy, aren't you?" He clipped, venom in his voice. Eduard jumped back again. The Finn was particularly volatile tonight, that was for sure.

"No, god Tino don't take it like that I- okay, look. I know you're hurt right now. I guess I would be too if I were in your position. But Tino, you're sitting here acting like he's the only one in the world who ever loved you- don't you realize that there are other people that could- that do?" _Like me._

"No, Eduard, there are not. They don't love me the way he does. They'll never be able to." He said, eyes glazed over as he thought of the way his lover looked and smelled and tasted and loved-

_Ouch._ "But… I mean, no one's exactly the same…" he tried weakly. "And I'm sure anyone else that would be lucky enough to get with you-"

"I don't fucking want anyone else, Eduard!" Tino cried, exasperated. "Don't you understand? I want Berwald. I just want Berwald. I don't care about anyone else…" He said, twisting his hands in his hair. "I need to find a way to get him back. I have to fix this…" he mumbled, rocking slightly. Eduard wasn't sure if he was talking to himself or addressing him.

It was strange seeing the usually perky Finn like this, so sullen and tired, so tired, he looked so god-damn tired too and Eduard almost hoped that maybe in the morning Tino would be more rational and maybe consider- oh, who the fuck was he kidding? Tino wasn't one to just give up on what he wanted.

"It wasn't you did anything wrong, I'm sure." He finally responded, deciding to try and move the conversation along. "How can you fix something that you didn't break?"

Tino looked up at him and slowly head turning, and met his eyes. He looked like what someone who was dying looked like, movements slow and laboured, and mechanically he smiled, weakly, bitterly, before letting out a low chuckle.

"Funny thing about that…" He murmured, looking down at his lap again, eyes still red-rimmed and with tears even as he half-smiled.

"He didn't do anything wrong." The Finn explained. "It…"

God. How the fuck did he explain this? At this rate he'd almost be forced to admit that it was his own fault for pushing the man away, but… but there went his reputation. His perfect façade of the beautiful boy that everyone wanted. Fuck, he had never thought he would have to part with it.

It was foreign, the thought of not having that reputation for himself there, with him, preceding him. He came here, made his way up the social ladder, and he sure as hell never saw himself coming back down. But now… now people would talk. People would know. People would know all of the terrible things about him that they weren't supposed to know. They'd know he wasn't actually the perfect boyfriend. They wouldn't want him anymore.

And yet somehow, scared as he was, he couldn't bring himself to take the easy way out and frame Berwald to rid of the whole mess.

More than anything, even if his image was shattered, he wanted to protect the other man. It was truly the Finn's own damn fault, the Swede had been nothing but perfect to him. And… and he still loved him. Even though he left him, still half-aroused and unfinished, he fucking loved him. There was no anger. There was no need for revenge. There was just bitter, bitter sadness, and a gaping hole in his heart that he would do anything- _anything, he could be a good wife-_ anything to fill.

"It was my fault." he finally said, after the lengthy pause. "This really was my fault."

"What?" Eduard asked, gently. "Tino, let's not play the blame game now-"

"But it really was my fault, Eduard. I caused it. And besides, weren't you just blaming Berwald a minute ago?" He challenged.

"… Okay. Fine. I'm sorry." He said. "But somehow, I don't see how this is your fault. Explain to me how him leaving while you two were in the middle of…"

"Making love. Berwald and I were making love." Tino helped him, pushing the stream of thought on.

Jealously reared its ugly head, and he swallowed the lump in his throat before continuing. "Yes, _that_- but if he was the one that left, what did you do?"

"Do you know _why_ he left me like that?" The Finn asked, voice dangerously low. He smiled strangely, coldly, and he looked up at the Estonian teen from under his bangs.

Eduard hadn't thought of that. Admittedly, he had overlooked the fact that _maybe_ (but probably not) Berwald wasn't as much of a complete dick-face as he had initially thought, and maybe (… maybe) there had been something that made him go…

"Do you know why, Eduard?" Tino asked again, louder, impatient with the silence that he had been greeted with.

"Why?" Eduard asked, quietly, because the other almost commanded it.

"Because I'm sick, Eduard." He laughed, softly, bitter and sharp. "I'm very, very sick. I do things that are sick, and I made him do one with me. And that scared him."

"…What kind of things?" Eduard asked. Tino grinned darkly, and it made him shudder.

"What do you think, Eduard?" He murmured. "Get creative. We were making love."

… Thoughts of every hard-core porno he had ever watched (okay, clicked on by accident, chickened out, and then turned off) flooded his brain, and his eyes widened as he looked at his friend, who was still smiling but now with an almost triumphant satisfaction.

"Get it now?" He asked, almost sweetly. He didn't know exactly what Eduard was thinking, but judging by his face he had gotten his point across.

Eduard wasn't even sure who he was talking to anymore.

* * *

><p>Author's note: Months. It has been months. I am so sorry, if you even remember me and this I will be so happy.<p>

So, things have picked up a little now, as you can see. It's late (early?) and my brain is dead, and I cannot write a decent author's note. I just needed to get this out. Needed to. As usual, I tried my best, and I hope you enjoy it, and know I didn't forget about you guys, still love you.

Reviews (be gentle?) are so very much appreciated.


	17. Chapter 17

The tense silence in the room was thick, and even the sound of a breath passing from one's lips probably could have shattered it.

Eduard's stare was one of shock and scrutiny as he searched his friend's face for something, _anything,_ to help him make sense of the strange turn of events. He was almost waiting for Tino to tell him that it was all a joke, or maybe for him to at least go on and explain further, but neither of the two happened. So there they sat, staring at one another, Eduard with his head reeling and Tino with some strange sort of shameful-pride.

"It wasn't his fault."

The Finn's voice cut the silence like a knife, and Eduard could only nod slowly to him.

"Okay. Fine. You win. What do you want me to say to that?" He asked, genuinely unsure of how to progress.

"I don't know. I didn't really think about what would happen after that." Tino replied, with a slight shrug of the shoulders.

And then Eduard nodded, and then Tino nodded, and then they both averted their gazes elsewhere, Eduard's to the ceiling and Tino's to his lover's clothing in his lap. There was another lengthy silence until, once again, the Finnish teen spoke.

"Thanks for picking up the phone." He said, now fiddling with the hem of the Swedish man's shirt.

"You're welcome." Eduard replied, finally bringing his gaze back down and too his friend. "So…"

"Yeah?" Tino asked, voice soft and light, not bothering to look up.

"You're planning on getting him back." It was meant to be a question, but both of them knew that really, it couldn't be.

"Yes." The Finn responded softly again.

More silence. This time Eduard took the initiative to speak.

"It's late- ah, early now I guess..." He caught himself. "We should get some sleep."

Tino nodded limply. "Yeah." He agreed. Slowly he laid down, easing himself to the floor, and he curled up on his side and wrapped himself around the clothes that had previously been in his lap.

"Do you want another pillow? Or a blanket?" The Estonian teen asked, and Tino shook his head.

"Only sleep." He replied.

Eduard gave a soft, resigned sigh and nodded. "Alright. Sleep well."

"You too." The Finn replied, before he rolled over so that he didn't face the same direction as the other.

And for some strange reason Tino thought maybe, if he turned away, the Estonian teen couldn't hear him crying himself to sleep.

* * *

><p>About two hours later Tino found himself awake again, and then a half an hour after that, and then another half an hour after that. At that point he had given up sleeping and opted to instead try and sort out the mess inside of his head, which seemed increasingly difficult the more that he thought about it.<p>

It started out simple enough. He pushed Berwald too far. Alright. He knew that was _why_ he was in this mess right now. He knew that he needed to _find_ Berwald next. Easier said than done… if he did manage that, then surely he owed the man an explanation. That was where things started to get... messy. Berwald probably already knew _what_ had happened, hence why he left, so the next logical question was _why_. Oh, how the hell was he supposed to explain that? He was pretty sure that _hey baby, I'm sorry that I scared you, I just have a fetish for being choked because that's how I cope_ wasn't going to go over well. Besides, explaining what he was coping _with_? He had never told anyone about that yet.

Still though, as unappealing as all of this sounded, he had a sinking feeling that it would have to be done to even have a chance to get Berwald back. He couldn't even bring himself to think about what he would do without the Swedish man- he couldn't lose him. He was already in enough pain merely separated from him, and he didn't even want to think about what it would be like if he could never have him again. He… he loved the Swede. He hadn't meant to fall for him, and he hadn't meant to grow so attached, but he had. And now he needed him. The hole in his chest was proof.

He was restless, now, and he stood up on weak legs, still cradling the pile of cloth in his arms. For the first time in months he supposed that he would have to return to his room, and dejectedly he reached into Berwald's jean pocket where he haphazardly threw his things before he left the room to fish out his key and his phone. Once the two were in his hand he took a breath and made his way over to the door, opening it and sliding out of the room as quietly as possible.

No one was up at this hour, and for that Tino was glad. He couldn't bring himself to interact with anyone right then. He looked like a complete mess, staggering down the hallway with his arms full, but really he could care less how he looked. There were more important things to worry about. He made the turn around the corner and started towards his room, slowly and hesitantly. God, he didn't want to do this. Not alone. Not without Berwald to take his hand, assure him that it was all fine, it was just a room that they would lay together in and everything would be okay just like it always was-

But he wasn't there, and it was certainly not okay.

When he finally arrived he stood still for a moment, hesitating before sliding the key into the hole and listening to it grind against metal as it turned. When he finally pushed the door open, the air inside of the room met the air outside in what sounded like a heavy sigh, and Tino could taste the staleness as he breathed. It was disgusting, and he hated the way it weighed down like lead in his lungs. Still though, he moved forward, towards the bedside table that was now caked with dust and pulled open a drawer.

The clothes that he had left behind looked almost new to him seeing as he hadn't worn them for months. He eventually pulled a loose t-shirt out and dug up a hoodie before pulling on one of the two pairs of jeans that he could find. Once he was dressed he surveyed the rest of the room to see if there was anything else of use to him. The cupboard on his desk was still half open, and he smiled bitterly when he remembered his emergency vodka. Ah. He hadn't drank in a while, not since he had scared Berwald that one night. He had stopped for the most part. That meant he was good, right? He had been good, hadn't he? So then why was Berwald gone? How come Berwald was gone so that it hurt?

He met Berwald when he drank, though. Gliding over the floor he made his way to the bottle and picked it up, walking to sit on the edge of his bed once he had it. When he sat the key in his pocket stabbed his hip angrily, and he winced slightly. It hurt, just not enough for him to move. Not right then, anyway. He fiddled with the phone in his hands, trying to decide what to do.

It was early, yes, about three-thirty in the morning to be exact. No one in their right mind should be awake right now, and he definitely wasn't so that must have been why he sat there right then, thinking such things at such an hour. He wondered, though- was Berwald in his right mind, or was he awake right now, thinking these things, too? He couldn't help himself any longer.

**To: Berwald**

**Hey baby, **

**I'm really really sorry about scaring you like that. I know that texts are generally frowned upon for this sort of thing, but… fuck baby, I just needed to get in touch with you somehow, I don't know how to find you. I miss you. I'm sorry. What I did there was wrong of me, I know. I'm willing to do whatever you want to make it up to you. Just say the word- I can touch you, and you can call me wife, and we'll do whatever makes you happy. Just please… for god's sake I can't do this without you. Please baby. I love you.**

**I need you Berwald.**

**Sent: 3:38 am**

His thumb ached slightly after typing what should have been an email (or even better, words) in T-9, but he didn't particularly notice. Sleeplessness was setting in, but he still couldn't sleep. Not yet. He took a quick swig of liquid courage and waited. He waited about five, then ten minutes without a reply before starting another text, and a pattern of waiting and texting and hoping for a reply.

* * *

><p>When Berwald woke the next morning Nikolai was already up and dressed, sliding his tea-thermos into his back pack. It confused him slightly as to why he hadn't heard the alarm go off, and vaguely he registered that the Norwegian male was speaking. The sounds were muffled along with his sight, seeing as sleep still had its hold on him, but eventually he began to make out the conversation.<p>

"Yeah, I don't want him here alone." Nikolai said, and Berwald inferred that he was the one being spoken about.

"Course babe, it's no problem. Really, you know I don't mind missing a day." Mathias responded.

"I know- I just feel guilty. I'll take notes for both of you."

At that, Berwald felt a pang of guilt, but still couldn't respond yet.

"Don't over-exert yourself babe- just get the notes for him, I can look off of yours later, ja?"

"Ja- but I'll take care of it."

"You're really good to me, you know that?" Mathias asked. It was a rare, tender moment between the two, and Berwald almost felt like he was intruding by even being there.

"I try."

"You succeed. I love you."

At that Nikolai turned away from his bag and walked over to the other, pressing a kiss to Mathias's lips before responding.

"I love you, too."

And then all of the loneliness and heartbreak and longing shot back into Berwald's consciousness, and his chest tightened.

"So wait for a bit before I go and grab breakfast, right?" Mathias asked, not dispelling any of the pain Berwald felt in his chest but keeping his train of thought from going too much further that very second.

"Yeah. Once everyone's in class just go down and grab something, the guys in the caf don't care if you're late. Anyway, I think he likes eggs and sausage, right?"

Berwald could tell that they were talking about him again.

"Yeah, pretty sure. If not he can have my waffles."

"Alright. Well, stay out of trouble. I'll be back soon."

"We'll be fine babe. Have a good day, see you soon."

There was another brief kiss between the two lovers, and Berwald's chest tightened all over again. After the two parted the Norwegian boy pulled his bag over his shoulder and set off to start his day, leaving his other two companions in the room. Berwald, as much as he knew that he should say something, couldn't figure out what to say- luckily, he didn't have to.

"You know, Waldy, Nikki lets you pretend to sleep because he's a softie, but we both knew you were awake." The Danish teen said, a grin on his face.

Caught, the Swede rolled over to face his cheerful friend.

"M'sorry."

"Don't be, buddy." Mathias shrugged. "I do it too. Hell, if I do it long enough Nikki still lets me stay back from classes." He laughed. "Remember when we used to do that?"

He did.

"Ja." Berwald responded, shaking off sleep and sitting up. "Why're we stayin' back today?" He asked, as though he didn't already have some idea.

"Waldy, you act like you didn't just show up on our doorstep at some ungodly hour of the night." The Dane said. "Look, I know you're not ready for all of that drama and bullshit that always happens here. Let's not pretend that you are."

"Fair enough." The Swedish teen responded.

"Yeah. Nikki thought he'd give you some time to think, compose yourself, stuff like that. And of course I'm here because well, we wouldn't want you to do anything you'll regret later in the heat of the moment."

"Ahm not tha' stupid."

"Didn't say you were stupid. Just crazy. Sex, love, heartbreak- it makes people do crazy shit, man."

At that all Berwald could do was nod in agreement, and after a pregnant pause Mathias stretched, speaking again.

"Once everyone leaves the cafeteria then I'll go and get food. Can I trust you not to do anything too wild?"

"Of all people yer talkin', Mathias?" The Swede asked, softly, with a weak but playful smile, and the other let out a hearty laugh.

"Good point."

* * *

><p>In the middle of another text (Tino couldn't even count how many he had sent at this point) his phone rang. He jumped, heart racing, but slowing upon realizing no, it was not Berwald. Just Eduard.<p>

"Hello?" He answered after picking up the call. His voice was hoarse, and he struggled to remember when it had gotten that way. Or maybe it had been all night. Morning. What time was it again?

"Tino, where are you?" Eduard asked, concern evident in his voice. Tino just yawned a little and leaned back before answering.

"In my room…" He finally murmured.

"Don't just run off like that. I was worried about you."

"I'm fine…"

"Tino?"

"Hm?"

"Don't lie."

"Don't say stupid things, then."

"But I _was_ worried about you, really."

"Don't be."

"Why?"

"Because I'm not worth it."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not."

"Why?"

"Because I bought this upon myself? Because I'm sick? Because I hurt one of the most sweet, gentle, wonderful people in the world? Take your pick, Eduard." The Finn sounded tired now, weak and on the verge of tears yet again, and the Estonian male worried for him.

"Tino… oh god Tino. Just hang on, I'm going to come and get you now, okay?"

"You don't have to."

"I want to."

"I don't."

"Why not?"

"I have things to do."

"Like?"

"Look for him."

Eduard sighed heavily. "Tino, you still have to eat. And we have class today."

"Not hungry. I can always make up the work later."

"You'd be able to think more clearly with food."

"Eduard I won't just fucking drop this because I ate something! He's way more important than food or anything my god do you think I'm a heartless monster or something-"

"No no no no no," Eduard tried to hush his friend, startled. "No, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant you'd be able to plan better. You might actually remember something, or find someone to talk to that knows something if you had a bit more energy." He rationalized, as obsessive as it all sounded to him. "That's all I meant."

There was silence on the other end of the phone line for a while, and Eduard tentatively waited, wondering if his friend would take the explanation well and calm down. Finally the other spoke, considerably calmer.

"Okay. That makes sense."

Eduard nodded. "Can I come and get you?"

"Sure." Tino responded, subdued. Whatever. There was still no point in dragging the Estonian teen along other than to make him feel like he had done something, but that was alright. Let him think that he was important, like usual. Maybe he could even get him to help out.

"I'll be over in three minutes."

"Okay." Tino replied, knowing really, it would be closer to five, before hanging up the phone and checking the screen again.

Still no replies from Berwald- time for another text.

**To: Berwald**

**I'm getting breakfast now baby. Come and see me? We can talk about this. I love you.**

**Please.**

**Sent: 6:48 am**

* * *

><p>The cafeteria was a bed of land mines.<p>

Word seemed to spread like wild-fire there, and rumours always ran rampant. Even school wide announcements didn't seem to spread between students as quickly as cafeteria news. And thanks to Arthur Kirkland and Francis Bonnefoy, there was almost always news. Well, with the exception of recently.

"_Mon dieu_. There has just been nothing to talk about for the past few weeks, has there mon ami?" The French teen addressed his long time frenemy, forking at his eggs. "It's been quite a bore, non?"

"You just _thrive_ on drama, don't you frog?" Arthur clipped, tiredly, before yawning slightly. Alfred chuckled.

"Aww, Artie, are you cranky?" His boyfriend teased, earning a chuckle from the rest of the table. Even Matthieu couldn't stifle a grin.

"I'm only 'cranky' because you kept me up all night you inconsiderate git."

"Kesesese, kinky." Gilbert chuckled, before France joined him in sharing a laugh.

"Why you perverted-" Arthur started, before Antonio cut in.

"Hey guys, give it a rest." The Spanish male encouraged. "Come on, you can tell he's tired."

He didn't particularly want Arthur to get too aggravated, but more importantly at that moment he didn't want to wake the sleeping Southern Italian in his lap. Lovino hadn't even made it downstairs on his own this morning. He was only here thanks to a piggy back ride that he had slept through from his boyfriend.

"Thank you Antonio." The British male replied.

"Sure thing." He grinned, moving a hand to stroke his boyfriend's hair. Crisis averted.

"Well anyway," Francis picked up, "we really must find _something_ to do, lest we all die of boredom."

"What if we move Gerhard's office around again?" Gilbert chuckled.

"Ohh that could be fun!" Antonio grinned, and Arthur shook his head.

"I am _not_ going to be your alibi if you do that again. Remember how close a call that was last time?" The British teen asked.

"Oh, but he questioned _everyone_ mon amour, you mustn't worry so much-"

"Don't call me that!" Arthur snapped, and before he could launch into a complete rage something rather strange caught his eye.

Tino. Tino… without Berwald.

It took the British teen a moment to process the entire scene. There was Tino, and there was no Berwald. There was another boy- oh, what the hell was his name… Eduard. Right. There was Eduard walking close behind Tino. And Feliks and Toris hand and hand as usual, but- no, there was still no Berwald. He wasn't behind them, following. Arthur looked around the room and determined that no, he wasn't already in the cafeteria. So where was he?

While it was true that many couples were occasionally seen apart, that very rarely seemed to be the case in Berwald and Tino's relationship anymore. If one was ill, neither of them showed. And yet here Tino was, here, without his other half for some strange reason that the Englishman couldn't understand. But really, that wasn't the strangest part of this situation, though even on its own it could have raised quite a few questions. There was more still.

Though the Finn was usually perky and bright, Tino looked… well, if he was being polite the British teen would say that he looked like a compete wreck. His eyes were red rimmed and hollow, dark circles giving his entire face a rather gaunt look. His bangs were matted to his forehead, and his face was caked with tear tracks. He walked mechanically, and it was almost as though he wasn't awake, or even alive.

It was a god damn sight to see.

"Or what, mon amour?" Francis teased, waiting for a response and frowning as a minute went by without one. "Arthur?"

"Look."

"What?"

"For god's sake just _look_."

And finally Francis did, earlier boredom completely vanishing in favour of curiosity at the strange sight before him.

"Mon dieu he looks like hell."

* * *

><p>The sight of food made Tino want to throw up.<p>

Eduard had urged him to fill his plate, grabbing a few different things for him, but hell even fucking _toast_ looked like it would be enough to make him violently ill. Awkwardly he stared at the sure to be wasted meal, and usually he would be sad but right then he just felt dizzy and tired and sick.

"Tino, you need to eat." Eduard prompted gently.

Though he heard Tino couldn't bring himself to open his lips and make a coherent response, and so he stayed silent. Toris spoke next.

"Tino, if you want we can get something else. I can go out to that little bakery, first period for me really isn't that important anyway and-" The Lithuanian started, but stopped when Tino shook his head.

"I appreciate it, Toris. I just can't eat." The Finn responded, voice barely above a whisper.

"Tino, Berwald would like, totally not want you to starve yourself like this. Eat." Feliks tried. It was a ballsy move and he knew it, lips set in a firm line as he waited for his friend to other scream at him or maybe listen.

With a bitter smile Tino looked up at the Polish teen, eyes looking even more sunken under the shadow from his bangs.

"How do you know?" he mumbled. "Maybe he thinks I deserve it."

"Honey, that is totally not okay." Feliks responded. "I like, don't know what went down between you two but he's totally crazy about you. And he wouldn't want to see you doing this to yourself."

As much as he knew that Feliks meant well, Tino just wanted him to shut up. So to placate him he picked up the piece of dry French toast and took a bite, chewing it until it almost dissolved in his mouth before swallowing. The other three watched him carefully, as though monitoring a child. Really, he didn't want anyone's concern but Berwald's- this was just overbearing. He had to swallow his annoyance so that they didn't press him further. By the time it was time to get to class he hadn't even finished the entire piece, but it was enough to satisfy the others that he had at least eaten something. He was glad that they couldn't follow him to the bathroom during that first period to watch him stick his finger down his throat and vomit the whole thing back up right after.

While he was there he sent a few more texts that he hadn't been able to under the others' breakfast scrutiny.

**To: Berwald**

**I'm supposed to be in first period. I'm not. I don't want to be. I want you. **

**Sent: 7:41 am**

**To: Berwald**

**Do you know how much I love you? It's so much it hurts.**

**Sent: 7:45 am**

**To: Berwald**

**Please say something. Anything is fine. For your wife, sweetie?**

**Sent: 7:48 am**

**To: Berwald**

**I need you.**

**Sent: 7:52 am**

* * *

><p>Mathias wasn't gone too long. He really only gave Berwald enough time to sit up and examine the room a bit before he was back with the food.<p>

"Takk." Berwald thanked him, and took a plate. He was exhausted, and he was sure that some food would help him sort things out at least a little more efficiently than before.

"No prob, dude." Mathias responded, biting into a waffle.

The two, though they had been apart for about three years until last evening, hadn't seemed to have lost their ability to understand one another. They ate without any major discussion, Mathias occasionally making some trivial comment and Berwald responding with a nod or a hum.

Eventually, when they finally finished their food, Mathias sat on the head of the bed and gestured for Berwald to sit across at the foot of it.

"Alright Waldy. Let's talk."

"Mmkay. 'Bout what?" The Swede asked. There was actually a lot that they could be talking about at that moment.

"Your situation, obviously. Isn't that the priority here?" The Danish male asked.

"Ja. Ah jus' though' ya' coulda' meant…"

Mathias sighed. "That's important too, but I know right now you're way more concerned about your boy."

"Ah can't stop thinkin' 'bout him." Berwald sighed, quietly.

"I know. Now tell me what happened from your point of view." Mathias prompted.

Berwald struggled to string together a semi-coherent response.

"Well, when he… pushed me, Ah guess Nikolai said-" He started, but was cut off by Mathias.

"No. Look, I love Nikki more than my own life but I'm not blind. I know he's pushy, and he will force his own opinion into things. He means well, but I know it doesn't always help. I'll let you hear his advice later- well, more accurately he won't let you leave without it, but for now let's look at just the situation from the way you saw it, unedited." Mathias redirected.

Berwald took a breath and thought, body still as a statue. What did happen? It all seemed like a blur, really. He wasn't even sure what it was himself, but… well, maybe he hadn't thought about it in depth. It _scared_ him to think about it, really. But he supposed Mathias did have a wise idea to look at the situation. Didn't he have to if he expected to fix anything?

"We were makin' love." Berwald started this time. "Ah… Ah didn't think anythin' was out of the ordinary. It was good… He was good. He was so considerate. Ah tried to be gentle. Ah…" He sighed. "Ah did my best."

"What do you mean he was considerate?" Mathias pressed.

"Do Ah really hafta explain this?" Berwald asked.

"Not if you don't want. But you do need to think about what you mean." The Dane insisted.

He had a point. Truthfully, Berwald did appreciate it. There were some things that Mathias knew how to do right.

"Ah guess Ah mean he focused on me." Berwald sighed. "Went along with what Ah wanted. He let me be in control."

"Alright. What does that mean to you?"

"... Tha' he loved me. Ah thought tha' he loved me."

"So when… uh." Mathias paused, rethinking his wording. "What happened that interrupted that?"

"His and mah hands on his throat." The Swede replied, quietly.

"Why did that stop you?"

"Mathias, why the hell wouldn't it?" He asked, almost exasperated.

"Berwald, I'm asking _you_ to think through this again."

The Swede rubbed his temples in an attempt to calm himself, and then answered. "Ah dun wanna hurt him. Ah never wanna hurt him."

"Did you think you were hurting him?"

"Yes."

"But you did not set out to, and you did stop it." Mathias pointed out.

"But Ah was involved."

"Involved and intending are two different things."

"But mah hands were on him either way."

The Dane nodded. He wasn't sure what else to say. "And so you left."

"Ah didn' have another choice." Berwald said, voice holding remorse. He didn't want to.

Mathias considered arguing the matter at that point, but this was no conversation of could-haves and would-haves. This was strictly observation and dissection of consciousness.

"Is that everything that happened?" The Danish teen asked.

"Essentially."

"Essentially?"

"Ah dunno what else Ah can say. Thought everythin' was fine, then just… tha'." The Swedish teen said, still sounding as though he was trying to cope with the idea.

"Is there anything else that stood out to you? Anything at all?"

Berwald thought for a while longer, and then finally shook his head. "No. Tha's wha' happened."

Mathias nodded. "Did you ever feel forced?"

"Ah…" Berwald sighed. "Ah don't know. Ah mean, he seemed urgent cause we both needed some… but Ah dunno. Ah know Ah didn't wanna put mah hands on his throat. But… but Ah jus can't believe that _he_ put 'em there. Ah know he had to have, but… Ah jus' can't see it."

"So you did not feel forced or threatened?"

"No. Ah felt confused… an' scared." He added the last part, quietly. "Ah didn' wanna think tha' Ah could hurt him like tha'."

"You're most worried about hurting him, not him hurting you?" Mathias asked.

"Physically yes."

"What do you mean by that?"

Berwald paused again, and swallowed. "Ah mean Ah'd be the one ta' hurt him worst physically, 'f we had to compare. But if he left me Ah'd be hurt worst. Ah… Mathias he's so perfect. It'd be easy fer him to pick up an' go. But he's the best thing that's ever happened in mah life, and the best thing that ever will at that. Ah can't let him go."

"So you want to stay with him?"

"Yes. Ah love him, Mathias. Even if it isn't good fer either of us- makes me a bad person, ja?"

"No, you're a normal person. We're only human, we have our needs. Sometimes those needs make us make questionable decisions… I've hurt people because of it." Mathias added, lowly, a bitter smile on his face.

"Yer talkin' abou' tha' now, aren't ya'?" Berwald asked. He knew this was no longer just about himself and Tino any longer.

Mathias chuckled and sighed, scratching his head before responding.

"Well, no reason to beat around the bush now is there? Look, Berwald. There's a lot that I could say about what happened, but… well, I'll try and keep this short, because hell if you let me this could go on for hours. I'm sorry I was a dick. I'm sorry I made it a you-versus-me situation. I'm sorry I successfully pushed away probably the best friend I ever had in my life- you really were, and I was dumb not to see my luck. And I'm sorry the first time we saw each other again was because your douche bag boyfriend landed you crying at the door- shh, don't tell me he is or isn't right now, just let me finish." Mathias said, and surprisingly Berwald listened.

"I'm sorry that over all of the years I pretended that I fucking hated you, and made Nikki go along with it. I'm fucked up Waldy, and you know it. But that's not a good reason or a reason at all, and I'm sorry about that too. Listen- Nikolai misses you._ I_ miss you. The door is always open, whether you actually _need_ a place to crash or not, and even just a visit now and again would be really nice. Whatever the occasion you're always welcome. Just remember that. And I am always reachable, even after we, you know, grow up and leave here and go into the world."

And somehow, Berwald couldn't bring himself to fight Mathias and his rare sincerity. It was true- he had hurt him. He had hurt all of them. Yet here the Dane was, back in that old role of trying to hold all three of their worlds on their shoulders, and even if it didn't undo the years he had spent isolated and essentially hated by most of the school, he had to at least appreciate all he had done in the past not even twenty four hours. He took him back in like nothing ever happened, and really, even with everything that had been left unresolved, it was the best choice he could have made- it was considerate of Berwald's needs.

Even if sometimes Mathias was misguided, the man's heart was mostly in the right place.

"Thank yoo." He answered, dumbly, and Mathias just gave a nod.

"That's an invitation, you know." The Dane clarified.

"Ja. Ah'll take it up."

Mathias seemed satisfied with the answer for the moment, and silence rang of the walls for a few moments.

"What are you going to do now?" The Danish teen finally asked.

"Ah dunno. Ah need ta' think."

The Dane nodded. "Take your time. You know we don't mind."

"Thanks."

It didn't seem right to talk after that. Berwald needed to process everything he had just heard, and Mathias could tell by his friend's far off stare. So they settled into a still silence, Mathias for once patient and Berwald coming to terms with his situation.

Not another word was spoken until Nikolai came back after classes.

* * *

><p>Author's Note: Oh my god a reasonably timed update. This is an accomplishment. So there's a lot going on in this chapter, things are advancing. The next will be even jucier ;P Thank you for reading, even through all of the obnoxious scene changes. That's just the way it is, eh heh heh.<p>

Reviews could make me a happy girl.

EDIT: Okay guys, so I promise I'll reply to the reviews soon, but I just need to take care of this anon first because I feel that she or he left me the perfect opportunity to say something that obviously needs to be said, judging from her or his review.

Moral Cookie: There are a lot of ways that I could start this, but they all seem a little too this or that. So, I've decided to just try and reply in semi-chronological order to your review. First off, I am glad that you appreciated Mathias here. Now, onto the rest.

Listen, I'm honestly a little offended by the way you jumped on me. Do you think that I don't know what I'm writing? Come off anon, and I'll give you another account to add to your list of people that have been in bad situations. This story is not some campaign to raise awareness on the dangers of risky sex and love, it's a psychological portrait of things that can- and do- sometimes happen in relationships. It's something meant to make you feel things, and think things, and those things are not always nice. This isn't a nice story. This isn't a beautiful romance. It's all fucked up and raw and as close to the truth as I can possibly make it with the writing skills that I have. And I don't know if you were here a few chapters ago, but I'm done changing for people. Tino shows signs of psychological dependence (as someone else insinuated) and he likes dangerous sex. Berwald went too far one night, and he's in this relationship whether it's healthy or not. If that leaves you with a disgusting aftertaste then just don't expose yourself to it. This is my heart in words, and if you don't like it then please don't read it.

That all being said, I do apologize to you because my warnings could be more frequent. In exchange for any discomfort I caused you, I will try and be better about warnings so that this does not happen again. Hopefully that and my own unease from this whole thing will serve as adequate compensation for you. You do have a good point on the weight of it all, and for that I do think you offered some very valuable insight and I'd like everyone to know that it is a serious matter. However, this story will not paint it in the way you're looking for and I'm aware of that. So I'm sorry, but this note in a margin is the best that I can do. I hope that you're satisfied at least slightly.

End rant. Thanks guys, sorry this happened again. This all being said though, this is another chance to stop reading if it's getting too heavy for you. Goodbye if you're leaving this journey here, and to those of you choosing to stay thank you. I hope that I can continue to keep your interest. 


	18. Chapter 18

Tino could feel himself unraveling.

He choked back quiet sobs through lectures, and occasionally a tear escaped his eyes and stained a note book page or two. Classmates that hardly ever spoke to him asked if he was okay- _I am not fucking okay,_ he wanted to say as he held his tongue and bit his lip until it bled and got sent to the nurse twice through the course of the day. He never really went, he just wandered the grounds, trying to see if maybe Berwald was wandering too so that they could fix this god damn _mess-_ no such luck. By the end of classes he was still without the Swedish teen.

He had looked everywhere. Hell, he even checked the classes that they didn't have together and he wasn't even in those. It was like Berwald had simply vanished- and that fucking scared him. So he kept looking. Through empty or positively flooded hallways he kept looking.

That was why currently he was standing in the doorway of the woodshop, getting bumped by other students rushing through the hallways to gather their things and get on with their day, dejectedly staring at the empty room. God _damn it _why couldn't he do anything right? He thought for sure that Berwald would be here, or would have been here, or would have left some, any indication that he had been here because this was what he liked doing right he would know that they were lovers-

That run-away train of thought was cut by a tap to the shoulder. The Finn turned slowly to face whoever had interrupted him, and his tired violet eyes met with Ivan's. Raivis, the poor unlucky bastard, was to his side, eyes on the floor.

"Priviet, komerade. You know you have been quite the topic today, da?" Ivan greeted, giggling slightly at the last bit.

"Have you seen Berwald?" Tino asked, voice hoarse and raw.

"Wouldn't you think, little Tino, that if you were the one tearing the school apart you surely would have seen him before me?" Ivan countered.

Tino's expression did not waver. He showed not the slightest indication that he had even heard the other. He stared, straight ahead and catatonic at the other man, eyes still just as tired and gaze just as intense, and repeated his question.

"Have you seen Berwald?"

"Nyet, I have not-" The Russian teen started, but was cut off abruptly by Tino.

"Then fuck off." The Finn clipped, and everyone in the vicinity froze.

Ivan was stunned. No one talked to him like that. Nobody had ever spoken to him like that. He took a moment, staring at the other, temporarily stalled, but finally after the dead silence he smiled. Oh _god_ Ivan was fucking smiling, and Raivis flinched noticeably because Tino was not backing down or apologizing and the sound of bones breaking seemed almost inevitable now-

"I do not think I heard you, comrade. Repeat again, da?" He smiled, voice low and dangerous. If Tino was concerned he did not show it.

"I said _fuck off_." Tino spat, frustrated with the useless conversation. "Don't fucking waste my time if you can't help me find him."

"My my, touchy aren't we?" The Russian giggled. Some students moved away from the scene, and others moved closer because of a morbid curiosity to see what would happen next. Tino furrowed his brow and started furiously up at the other, eyes flashing.

"Listen you god damn bastard, I am not putting up with your bullshit right now. I am looking for Berwald. I will find Berwald. I will not be doing anything else along the way. You can take whatever shit you were planning on starting and shove it up your ass." He snapped.

Ivan laughed _gleefully,_ a dangerous glint in his eyes, and his smile widened.

"Ah, aren't you just a charmer,"The Russian drawled, "I wonder what Berwald would think if he knew how not-pretty you could be."

That was where any self-restraint that Tino might have had completely left him. He yanked back his arm and about threw his fist at the Russian teen, an almost primal scream escaping his throat. The blow landed hard on Ivan's nose, and a sickening _crack_ could be heard though out the entire corridor. Ivan, though caught off guard, quickly reacted and grabbed Tino's wrist, pulling the other down with him to the floor and twisting his arm as he did. The Finn turned his face as he landed, cheek and jaw smacking against the hard floor and spotted bruises forming upon impact. The Russian teen landed on top of the arm he was twisting, weight crushing down on it.

"You little shit." Ivan hissed, blood pouring from his nose. His grip on the Finn's arm was hard enough to make it pink and red and black and blue, where it wasn't discoloured from the fall already.

"Same to you." Tino winced, biting his lip and managing not to cry out. He had been through worse, he had been through worse, oh fucking god he had been through worse there was no reason to scream now he could handle this, this didn't even come close to the pain of missing Berwald-

Feral now, Ivan pulled the Finnish male up before slamming him back onto the floor hard enough that there would definitely be bruising on his shoulder blades, and Tino threw his free arm up and scratched at the other's eyes to try and get loose. Just as he struck the Russian male he felt himself being pulled back, and he saw Ivan being pulled as well.

"Tino, calm down!" The voice- Alfred, he recognized after a moment- tried to ease. Tino yanked out of his grip and spun around quickly, staring at him angrily.

"Don't touch me." He said quietly, calmly, and Alfred put his hands up in surrender.

Ivan was still kicking and screaming and thrashing, and it took a few more people to hold him down. Raivis was at his side, a gentle hand on a safely restrained arm.

"I-Ivan it's over, it's okay, you were good, it's okay…" Raivis tried to soothe. What he was saying was non-sense for sure, but it seemed to have proved effective in the past.

"That little _bitch_." Ivan snarled, and Raivis hushed him.

"It's over. You're good, you're strong. It's over." The Latvian teen continued. As he did Tino coldly scanned over everyone involved before turning back to Alfred.

"I'm going back to looking, now." He said, simply.

"Okay." Alfred agreed, voice low, trying to keep the other calm.

"Have you seen Berwald?" The Finn asked. Slowly Alfred shook his head.

"No- but I'll tell you if I do." He offered, trying to placate him.

"Do." Tino agreed, before turning and starting down the hallway, leaving the mess behind. No time to worry about that now- there were more important things to do.

* * *

><p>Déjà vu wasn't quite the right word for the moment that Berwald found himself in, sitting propped up against a wall with his two ex-and-now-again best friends.<p>

Besides the fact that there was a sharp pain in his chest that never could have equaled what he possibly could have felt before, this dynamic was different. Yes they still sat facing the same wall, same ways of sitting as always (cross-legged like Nikolai did or sprawled over the bed like Mathias would) but they were not speaking, and this silence was not familiar. It was thin and waiting to crack, like sheets of glass perched on a ledge. Mathias stared at a corner, trying to avoid having to be dragged out of the stillness. Nikolai was particularly cutting when he wanted to be, and he did not want to be on the other end of that right now.

"Did you think of anything today?" The Norwegian finally asked, and Berwald knew that he was caught now.

"Yes." He responded, quietly, hoping the other wouldn't press him but knowing that he would. He was proven right a few seconds later.

"Well?"

"Ah still love him."

A sigh. Nikolai was disappointed and Berwald knew it, but he couldn't change the fact and he couldn't bring himself to lie.

"What do you suppose you're going to do, then?" Nikolai asked.

Really, the Swedish teen hadn't gotten to that part yet. He had been thinking, or he believed he had been anyway, and yet he seemed to have nothing to show for it.

"Ah haven' gotten tha' far, yet." Berwald murmured.

"Oh?"

"Ja. Ah… ah wanna stay with him. Ah dunno if I can stay 'way, but… ah dunno if ah can give him what he wants." The Swedish teen said, sadness and uncertainty in his voice.

A roll of round blue eyes was given as a response from Nikolai.

"Oh my god- Berwald, will you stop thinking about the little bitch for one fucking minute and think of yourself instead?" He snapped slightly, obviously annoyed.

"Ah did think a' mah self. Ah love him, an' ah want him. Need to have him. Jus' wonderin' if ah can."

"Berwald, do you even listen to yourself talk? Are you confused about what happened? Let me sum it up for you: you two were having sex. He forced you into a really hard-core fetish. You were not ready for it, and then you ended up here. Honestly, what changed between the time you were afraid enough to leave the room and now?"

"Jus the shock. Ahm not shocked 'nymore." Berwald said slowly, firm in his conviction.

"Oh my g- are you serious right now?" Nikolai asked, holding his face in his hands.

"Ja. Ah em."

"Doesn't it scare you at all?" The Norwegian asked, moving his hands and looking sidelong at the other.

"Ah'd only be scared 'f he got hurt. 'F he was okay so em ah." He replied, standing his ground. Not even Nikolai's disgusted expression made him say otherwise.

"He forced you to do something you didn't want. Doesn't that hurt you?"

"No. Not forced. He jus' caught me off guard." The Swede insisted.

"You're in denial."

"No ahm not."

"Then what the hell do you call this?"

"Rationality."

At that Nikolai threw up his hands, groaning in frustration.

"You are a complete lunatic. I cannot believe you. I just- I can't. What in hell makes you think that this is, on any level, the least bit okay?"

"Ya' give an' take when ya' love someone." Berwald said, voice light but still just as sure as before. The Norwegian teen sighed.

"Okay, I'll humour you. He took your control in sex. What did you take?"

"His control over his role in the relationship."

"What?" Nikolai asked, tilting his head.

"Ah told him ah…" Berwald looked to the side, cheeks pink. "Ah have a thing, with house wives. Ah kinda told him, an' he… indulged me."

"That's consensual roleplaying."

"Na' just sexual. He ne'er drops it. Least ah could do is let him ha' the sex part… we can figure it out." He said, the last part directed more towards himself than anyone else.

"But he _consented_." Nikolai pushed again. "He consented. You didn't."

"Ah will, then."

"But you don't _want_ it! That's the problem!" The Norwegian was almost yelling now.

"Ah wan' him. Ah'll deal." Berwald said, eyes glazed slightly. He was starting to become harder to reach, Nikolai feared. He'd really have to jolt him to get him to react.

"Alright, Berwald. Do me a favour and imagine something for me." He started. Berwald shrugged and gave a slight hum, meeting Nikolai's gaze.

"You're with him. You're kissing him, holding him; his mouth has been all over you. He says he loves you."

"Ah love him, too."

"He's smiling one second, and you think it's all fine. But then he asks you to do something for him- he takes your hands and puts them to his throat, and tells you that he needs it."

The Swedish teen froze.

"He squeezes, hard. And then harder. And harder. He's gasping for air, his lips are tinting blue, and his face is absolutely pallid. You think he's going to die, and you try and move, but he won't let go."

Now he was sick to his stomach.

"You finally manage to pull your hands away because his grip loosened, but he's not conscious. Luckily, he is breathing again. You're cradling him, and when he finally opens his eyes he smiles and tells you that was great. He kisses you again, and his lips are cold. His fingertips are on your face, and they're cold too. He says he's so glad you do this for him, and he's still smiling but he looks and feels and sounds dead. Are you okay with this? Can you _deal _with this?"

Berwald couldn't respond. His limbs were frozen, and he could feel himself getting sicker. His jaw was clenched tight, and he could see his glasses fog.

"Answer the question." Nikolai prompted.

"Nikki," Mathias finally cut in, "this is getting a little-"

"A little what, Mathias? A little too real? This isn't my fault; Tino's the one who's fucked up enough to put him into this situation. Berwald, do you understand now? If you think I'm being a fucking _bitch _for telling you these things, and you're freezing up now, I can't even imagine what would happen the first time he tried it again. _This_ is the reality of what he's asking you to do. He may never actually die from it, sure, but he's sure as hell going to look like he did every time it happens. And if this really is a fetish, it will happen often. So answer me: are you okay with that?" The Norwegian challenged.

The question was in pieces in Berwald's mind. Of course he wanted to make Tino happy. He always wanted Tino to be happy. He was more than okay with making Tino happy. But Nikolai did have a point- the act was definitely very serious, very dangerous, and if he was being honest with himself yes, it scared him. It terrified him to think of his lover as near dying, and having to be exposed to it on a regular basis… god, they psychological agony he would have to cope with. But really, what was worse: living with him, half-dead from time to time, or living without him all together?

"Nikolai, please, stop. You can't put him on the spot like this, it's a lot to think about-" Mathias tried to rationalize, but was suddenly cut off by Berwald.

"If yer goal was to try an' get me to remember what it looks like, then ya' succeeded. If yer goal was to try an' make me need him any less, ya' didn'." The Swede said.

Frustrated, dark blue eyes stared him down, but Berwald didn't change his response.

"You are completely hopeless." Nikolai said, huffing.

"Ya' can't change mah feelings, even if ya' dun like 'em." Berwald replied.

"I just want you to understand what you're getting into." The Norwegian said, frustrated tears pooling in the corners of his pretty eyes, "And you won't fucking listen to me because you're so love-sick over him."

"Ah am listenin' to yoo," Berwald assured, gently, "But ah'm also makin' mah own judgments. Ah hear what yer sayin', but yer not the one who'll have to live with the decisions ah make."

"But you will, and I care about you."

"Ah care about y'too, ya 'ere one a mah best friends. An' ah'm sorry tha' this all gets to ya' so much. But yoo have yer own life, an' ah have mine, an' we have different priorities. An' as much as ah know yoo'll hate me fer sayin' this, mah life is connected ta' his, an he is mah priority."

"But do you know if you're his?" Nikolai pressed.

"Ah'm not sure. But ah' know he's mine, an' even if ah'm not his priority I can't change that he's mine."

"You deserve better. You deserve someone who lets you know how much you mean to them."

"But ah dun wan anyone tha's not him."

"If you found someone who did treat you better you wouldn't be like this."

"Tha's irrelevant. Ah found him. Fell in love with him, an' tha's where ah am."

"And you don't think that you could do that again?"

"Ah know ah can't. Ya only feel yer heart really, really break once."

"What about before?" The Norwegian challenged. Their own smothered possibilities, the fight, the nights and nights of wondering what could have possibly happened if maybe-

"Tha' wasn' like this."

"Oh?"

"Ja. Ya' never gave me the 'mpression that yoo loved me. Ah didn' need you."

For the first time in god knows how long, Nikolai was caught without a reply. His lips parted and his mouth hung open, and yet he couldn't think of anything to say. Berwald seized the opportunity to continue speaking.

"Ah can't deny ah cared about yoo. Bu' ah wanted someone to take care 'f, an' feel needed, an' yoo can't deny that yoo were always self-sufficient- ya' didn' need me, an' ah never felt needed. You'd rather feel important yerself than let anyone else- an' ah respect yoo fer it, ah do. But yoo were na' made fer me, an' there was no way ah coulda' convinced myself otherwise. But Tino was made fer me. When ah first saw him, ah wanted ta' take care'f him. Ah jus' felt it. An' when he finally wan'ed ta' be together, ah jus' couldn' say no. He made me feel important, like he wan'ed me there. An' he let me take care'f him. Tha'…"

He paused, thinking back to that wonderful way he felt, before he continued. "Tha' was everythin' ah ever wan'ed, an' he gave it to me. Everythin' about him, it was all ah wanted. Loved. Needed. An yer heart only breaks when ya' really, really need someone- when you can'r be without 'em. Ah moved on from yoo the second ya' told me to leave. But ah can't go forward without him, not even after everythin'. An' tha's tha'." He said, with absolute conviction. There was no room for argument.

After a moment of processing the words, Nikolai closed his mouth and sat, silent. This was the Norwegian facing defeat for the night, eyes hollow and lips taut. He stared up at his old friend and shook his head, exhaling.

"I'm tired, Berwald. I don't know what to do for you. If this is the decision that you're going to make, then fine." He said, an edge to his voice, "I can't stop you. But let's face it, if you're staying with him you'll have to cope with the fact that your precious little 'wife' will more likely than not have red lines and purple bruises around his neck every morning."

There was a pause, and it felt like an eternity to everyone in the room as Berwald imagined the scene and Mathias cringed at the harshness, but really it was only second before the Norwegian teen spoke again.

"I think you should take one more day to think about that. Good night, Berwald- I do hope you take the offer."

And at that, Mathias let out the breath he had been holding as his lover curled against him and offered Berwald an apologetic look, but Berwald was already lost in his own thoughts, gone to them for the rest of the night.

* * *

><p>Why the fuck was Tino so impossible to get a hold of?<p>

Raivis had bought it to his attention that his long-time friend just picked a fight with Ivan, and at that Eduard realized letting him out of his sight was not a wise idea. He had been looking for him about since he had gotten the information at three, and by eleven at night he still hadn't found him. Hell, even Toris and Feliks hadn't been able to catch him. Their text correspondence remained pretty hopeless, and the Polish teen had already essentially given up and took a break. Toris was still trying to help, but even he sounded pretty damn tired at this point.

Other people seemed to have seen the Finn around, sure, but none of them knew where he went after he left them. Eduard had tried to call him quite a few times throughout the course of the day, given up, and then called again, and currently he was debating whether or not he should try yet again or continue to search on foot. He checked the time- eleven twenty three. This was getting pretty fucking hopeless. His feet ached, and he leaned against the wall. Calling again couldn't hurt. What the hell did he have to lose at this rate, at least waiting through the dial tone would give him a good thirty seconds or so to rest his feet. Just when he thought that he would be greeted yet again by voicemail, Tino finally, _finally_, picked up.

"Yes?" Tino's hoarse voice greeted him.

"Tino, where are you?" The Estonian teen asked, "I've been looking everywhere."

"Ah, in the east wing right now. Hey Eduard, have you seen Berwald?" He asked.

Figured.

"Tino, no, I haven't- but it's late. We still have classes tomorrow. You really need to get some sleep-"

"I can sleep later." Tino insisted. "Look, tell me if you find anything, okay? I really have to-"

"Tino!" Eduard scolded, "Do not hang up on me. Look, we need to talk, I heard you got in a fight with fucking Ivan-"

"Relax, it was just a scuffle. Really, it's fine-"

"Tino, that's dangerous, and I don't think that you're thinking clearly-"

"I'm perfectly fine." Tino insisted. "You're over-reacting."

"I am not over-reacting you are acting completely irrational-"

"Do not _fucking_ tell me I'm acting irrational!" Tino yelled, and the sound made Eduard pull the phone away from his ear.

"I'm being perfectly rational." The Finnish teen started again, quietly. "My love is missing, and I am looking for him. I fail to see how that is so irrational."

Eduard wasn't even sure how to reply. "It's late." He tried.

"I know. That's why I should keep looking."

"But it's _late_-"

"And what if my man needs me this late?" He half-cooed, sounding far off. "He'd want me at night. All the better reason to keep looking at night. "

"You don't sound okay right now."

"Of course I'm not okay Eduard. Berwald is somewhere without me tonight. I'm supposed to be with him right now and it's all my god-damn fault I'm not-" He sobbed, hiccupping.

"Shh. You'll find him. But it might just help if you sleep-"

"I can't sleep Eduard." He mumbled, shakily. "I'm not able to. I'm going to keep looking for him, okay? Goodnight."

"Tino, wai-"

But at that point it was too late. The Finn had already hung up and try as he might have, Eduard couldn't get him to pick up again that night.

* * *

><p>In total, Tino got about four hours of sleep that night- they weren't all consecutive.<p>

He'd started falling asleep in the hallway as he searched, and he reluctantly staggered back to the room only when he was sure he couldn't find any one else moving about, and when he could barely hold himself up any longer. He would have kept moving if he could have, really, but the second he got back to his room and his body hit the mattress his limbs screamed for a break that he didn't have enough strength to deny them. He started drifting in and out of sleep almost immediately after.

He'd wake up to half-gasped sobs and tears on his face, phone pressed against his cheek in case Berwald decided to call for him so that he could answer. He didn't call, though. The whole night he never called. He even checked his missed calls long after he had already been informed that he had no new missed calls, because what if he was just being stupid and missing something crucial? He couldn't afford to miss anything.

It was hard to read the phone screen; the saline in his tears had glazed the surface. It didn't help that he was only running on four hours of sleep, and his eyesight was hazy and unfocused- or was that from the crying again? Fucking hell it didn't matter. All he knew was that he couldn't see, not well anyway. He was sure his current texts were packed full of typos. He wondered if maybe getting up to start the day again would help, but sitting up only made him dizzy.

After a minute of adjusting to being up again Tino dragged himself to his feet and forced himself to move, going through his living-alone morning routine almost mechanically. The only time he so much as flinched was when he brushed his yesterday's bruises a couple of times- but they didn't matter. They weren't that bad. Even as people stared at the side of his face blotched with bruises, they didn't matter. The ones on his neck were surely darker and uglier, anyway.

He sent another text to Berwald as he made his way to the cafeteria. He didn't plan on eating, really- he kind of just made the walk out of habit. Besides, what if he was there today? He couldn't miss him just because he was being sloppy in his steps.

When he finally got to the cafeteria he scanned the area, the smell of food making him sick. He could hear the whispers around the room, and he could probably even guess what they were about, but they weren't important at the moment. He was searching.

"What does he think he's going to find?" A voice fairly close by asked. "He was probably the last one who saw the guy, anyway…"

Wearily the Finn turned around to see who was talking, catching a few startled classmates and causing them to go silent.

"I don't know if I was the last one to see him- how am I supposed to know if I don't look?" He laughed, bitterly.

"Well, well, well, for once you're actually thinking logically." A cold voice cut in, and Tino tilted his head to see Nikolai. Nikolai- fuck why hadn't he thought of him earlier?

"Nikolai," He started, choosing to ignore the other's condescending nature, "do you know where Berwald is?"

Just as everyone in the room expected the Norwegian to say no, he turned the situation on its head.

"Maybe I do." He said, simply, calmly. "What's it to you?"

Tino froze, entire body rigid. Oh god oh god oh god he was finally getting somewhere. He stepped forward, voice not all the way steady.

"Nikolai," his voice shook, "please, tell me where he is. I need to talk to him."

He was on the verge of tears, but his companion showed little sympathy. He yawned, shifting on his feet, deciding how to respond.

"Nikolai please-" He tried again, begging, and the other cut him off.

"I know what you did." He settled on, and Tino froze up all over again. He smiled slightly, chuckling at the Finn's obvious discomfort.

"I do." He continued. "And I don't appreciate it. Tell me, why should I help _you_ after _that?_"

"That's why I need to talk to him, I didn't mean to I just want to try to apologize and explain-" Tino started again, once again cut off.

"You didn't mean to? Really? How are we to trust that?" Nikolai asked, eyes moving to the choker on his neck. "Something tells me that you don't mind what happened one bit."

"I didn't want to hurt him!" The Finn almost sobbed. "I- I didn't mean to hurt him. I don't want to. I want to make things right."

The Norwegian stared him down icily, his mind at work. He really wanted to see Tino squirm more, pay for what he did to his friend, but realistically he didn't have much time for that. As much as he didn't want it to be true, he knew in the back of his mind that Berwald would be going back to the Finn soon, and so he needed to make it clear very quickly that he would not stand for any more bullshit.

"Look, Tino. I'm on a busy schedule. You want to talk you do it on my time, because I actually have classes I care about getting to. _If_ you care, meet me here at two, and I will not wait for you if you are not here."

"I'll be here." Tino promised, eyes glassy.

"Well then, I must be off." Nikolai declared. "Tata- see you this afternoon."

As he walked away he hoped that Tino would be on time- he had quite a few things to say to the miserable little bastard. When he turned back the Finnish teen was already gone, probably off to look some more. Idiot- he wouldn't get any closer until two.

* * *

><p>The morning seemed to be slower than ever as Berwald lay in place, pretending to sleep.<p>

Maybe it was something about not knowing how much time had passed, or maybe it was the way that the blackness that came with closed eyes seemed endless and easy to get lost in. He probably would have if no one woke him.

"Waldy." Mathias called, slicing through the ringing silence. "Waldy, Nikki's already gone to class, there's no reason to keep faking."

At that Berwald opened his eyes and slowly sat up, almost relieved. He met his friend's eyes, just as tired and as worn as his own. The Danish teen smiled his usual, charming smile, but the Swede could feel the heaviness behind it.

"You've already made up your mind, haven't you Waldy?" He asked, voice low and hoarse. Berwald gave a rare, slight smile of his own

"Ja." He said, simply. There was nothing else to really say.

Mathias broke the stare and looked downwards and to the side, grinning and rubbing the back of his head. He wasn't entirely sure what to say, and he almost felt guilty for not being able to talk with the ease that he usually did.

"When are you going?" He finally asked, meeting Berwald's eyes again.

"Tonigh'." He responded.

"Giving Nikolai his one more day?"

"Ja- figure it's only fair. Ya' both did 'lot fer me, ya' know."

"What are friends for?" Mathias smiled. "We're gonna miss having you around again, though."

"Ah'll visit." Berwald promised. "N try'n be better 'bout tha' keeping in touch thing."

"Ditto." Mathias laughed, breaking the tenseness for a split second before it came right back, suffocating them all over again. Berwald was the one to break it this time.

"Nikki'll throw a fit." The Swede said, a guilty smile on his features.

"He will." Mathias agreed. "But he knows- he always knew. He knew that you were going to go back to that boy, Waldy. He knew since the second you two were apart, and he can't kid himself. He just likes to pretend."

It was painfully sad, what Mathias was telling him, but there was nothing more true about the Norwegian's role in the situation. Nikolai was kind of like that, intuitive but so damn stubborn that sometimes, the two collided and threw him into a silent rage.

And that was exactly what Berwald was expecting when it came time to say their goodbyes.

* * *

><p>Author's note: Hey guys- not even sure how long it has been, but hopefully not as long as some of my other breaks between updates. Anyway, not sure if this seems short or not but it seemed kind of meaty to me, so I'm just going to leave this here for now and hope it's strong enough to stand on it's own. Anyway, I hope you guys can enjoy it~<p>

And now, for some shameless advertising: Hey guys, I am now doing a collaborative fic with my lovely Rargamonster and the awesome BehindTheSky. It's the one called _Synchronicity, _and if you guys would give it a go that would be really really awesome and I would give you virtual cookies for it~ Or cake. Or pastries. Or a free internet- take your pick. Also, sending some love their way in general would make me happy, too, because they are awesome~

Reviews may possibly be a nice treat for the hungry author :P


	19. Chapter 19

Time seemed to slow itself as the day went on- it couldn't pass fast enough for anyone, really.

Tino's nerves were already shot to hell, and waiting definitely wasn't helping him any. The clocks mocked him as he glanced, and then waited, and then glanced again to realize that barely even a minute had went by. And now that he had searched almost everywhere already, he was alone with only his thoughts to pass the time. God fucking dammit. Was it really necessary that Nikolai make him wait? Somehow the Finn doubted that the other actually felt so strongly about his classes.

Maybe at another time, in another situation, if he was a different (read: better) person he would have asked himself why, but he already knew the answer- because he deserved it. He was well aware that he fucked up, and even if he would have lied to anyone else there was no reason to lie to himself. He fucked up, and he deserved everything that came his way. And maybe, in this situation, Nikolai was just an agent for Karma.

But he did deserve it. In the end, it didn't matter if it made sense or not. He deserved everything that was thrown his way, and probably even some more. He couldn't stand much more, though. He hoped it would all be over soon, and everything would be fixed and better and nice and he could go back to life the way it was supposed to be with him and Berwald and their being together-he stopped thinking about it when his eyes started to sting again.

He looked around for a clock again, and even though it took him a moment to read through watery eyes he saw that _finally_ more time had passed. One thirty. Alright. One thirty was good. It meant that he was almost there- still not soon enough, though. Never quite soon enough.

Deciding to be on the safe side, he started to head back to the cafeteria. It was a short walk, but he didn't want to be scrambling last minute either way. As he got closer barely five minutes had passed, and he decided that it would be safe to stop in the next bathroom to clean up a little.

The row of mirrors that greeted him told him that he looked like shit, and he smiled almost apologetically. _I know_, he would have said, if they could have appreciated his response. _I know_. He stopped in front of a sink and started the water, splashing it across his face and then rubbing it in as if it would make the circles under his eyes and the bruises on his cheek wash off. No such luck. Upon hearing a flush he realized that he was not alone, and he tensed as he glanced in the mirror to see who else was there. Berwald?

No. Just Eduard- Karma really did like fucking with him.

Eduard was shocked to _finally_ run into Tino, especially in the five minutes he let his guard down. He took the sink next to his tired, rigid friend and tuned to look at him as he washed his hands, taking a deep breath in before saying the ballsiest thing he had ever said to the pretty blonde- well, besides that one time he almost told him that he liked him.

"Fucking _god_ Tino would it kill you to pick up your phone? I was worried about you- and don't even give me that 'I didn't have it on me' bullshit, anyone can see you texting _him_ constantly…" He scolded, even though towards the end his voice cracked a little.

"I was done talking to you, it was getting really distracting and I didn't want to slip up and miss him if he was there. Would it have killed _you_ to wait ten minutes between calling again and again and_ again?_" He fired back, making Eduard lose whatever strength he had gathered.

"Okay, you have a point, sorry… just… fuck, I'm just worried about you." He almost whispered at the end.

"I told you not to be." Tino said, turning to dry his hands. "Look, I appreciate what you did for me, I really do. But that doesn't make me forever indebted to you, and I have no obligation to check in with you every time I do something. Besides, I am kind of focused on finding Berwald right now and whenever I mention Berwald all you do is get all pissy anyway."

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe there's a reason for that?" Eduard finally asked, exasperated.

"Because you think I'm sick? Because you think I'm messed up in the head? Because you don't want him and I to be fucking happy together, is that it? You don't want me to be happy Eduard?" He spat, voice a little louder than it had been all day.

"Tino no, I mean I-"

"I don't even want to know anymore!" He cried, throwing his hands up. "Look, Nikolai is going to tell me what's going on, and I can't deal with your drama right now and so don't call me anymore today, we'll pick this shit up some other time okay? Okay. Bye."

At that Tino turned on his heel and walked out of the space, and Eduard let a pained smile spread across his lips after he had gone. "Fucking love you." He finished his sentence, bitterly, laughing a humourless laugh.

It was about then that Eduard realized that Tino could be a real bitch.

* * *

><p>Tino was fifteen minutes early; he spent it sending a text or five. Nikolai was five minutes late. When the Norwegian walked in to the cafeteria, he didn't even get two more steps before Tino bounded towards him.<p>

"You're here. Good." Nikolai said, with absolutely no warmth.

"Yeah." Tino agreed, quietly. They both knew what he wanted to say- _where is he?-_ but the Finn knew better than to talk out of turn right now.

"I don't want to be in the cafeteria." The Norwegian teen said. "We should go outside."

Another pointless demand, another way to break him down- Tino knew this game. With a weak smile he nodded, compliant.

"Okay." He agreed. He could play along. Whatever it took.

The two set off, and the walk felt like forever to Tino yet quicker than ever to his companion. The Norwegian took his time picking a spot to sit, and eventually he settled on one of the tables slightly farther away from the building. He motioned for Tino to sit across from him, and even when the other complied he was silent a moment before he finally decided that they could get on with it.

"You're here for Berwald." He stated, simply.

"Yes." Tino said. He wasn't sure if he was supposed to say much else yet, and so he held his tongue.

The Norwegian stared him down for a moment, critically, before taking another sip of tea and speaking again after.

"You do realize that you're a colossal bitch, and there is no good reason for me to be bothering with you right now."

"I know." Tino agreed. It was true, and it kept Nikolai happy. If the Norwegian felt in control he would feel comfortable, and if he felt comfortable he could start to let things slip, like where Berwald was…

"What in hell made you think that your little stunt in the bedroom was okay?" Nikolai asked, leaning back slightly.

Somehow, he wasn't even alarmed that the other knew his dirty little secret. Maybe at one point he would have been, or maybe he should have been, but the pain in his chest had numbed everything so that it didn't matter unless it was about a man named Berwald Oxenstierna. Instead of flinching like he might have even days ago, he gazed wearily at the other and replied.

"It wasn't." The Finn responded. "It wasn't okay at all. Look… I didn't mean to. I didn't want to force him. I… I have a problem." He said, timidly.

"We all have problems." The other responded, un-amused.

"No, I mean… Oh. I…" Tino trailed off as he struggled for words.

"If you want to say it spit it out." Nikolai demanded.

"I have a fetish for being choked, okay? I'm assuming you knew already if we're having this conversation, but it's… oh. I just couldn't help it, his hands were just so close to my throat and I just… oh."

"Oh my _fucking_ god." The Norwegian snorted. "Look, we have already established that you have a fetish, you're not special for it or anything. And we both already know what happened. I asked you if you thought what you did was okay, I didn't ask you to narrate your sex life to me."

"It wasn't okay." He answered again, trying to placate the other. "And I'm not special, I know. I am fucked up though." He smiled, weakly, the same smile he used when he would try and gain sympathy usually. Nikolai stared him down, unsympathetic.

"You are fucked up, we have established that as well, and don't expect me to feel sorry for you or anything. Look, I know your game. You make yourself look weak, or out of control, and you expect the person on the other end to feel bad for you and ease up. However, I am not going to play along. I do not care about your un-called for inner turmoil, I am here because of what you did that night, not to be your personal shrink for your fucked up little life. Pull yourself together and fucking answer the questions if you expect me to help you."

The words stung- _oh, you don't know just how fucked up all of it really is-_ and a broken smile moved across Tino's lips before he laughed a joyless laugh, his eyes downcast. "I know." He replied. "I know you're not going to feel sorry for me, I don't deserve it."

"Don't try and stall."

"I just want you to know I understand what you're saying, and I want you to be able to understand where I'm coming from. We need to be able to comprehend each other if we expect to get anywhere, right? Understand one another? If you can relate a bit this will all be easier and you'll understand the answers I'm trying to give you." He rationalized. "I know we're at least a little alike." He smiled, hauntingly sadly.

"But I'm not a heartless bitch." Nikolai retorted.

"I know- and I'm not either. How could I love him without a heart?" The Finnish teen asked.

"Do you really expect me to believe that you love him?" The other questioned, coldly.

"Yes." He replied, voice wavering slightly. "I do. I love him so much. I need him, Nikolai. Don't you know what it's like to need someone?"

"I do." The Norwegian responded, calmly, quietly. "I also know that when you love someone to the point of need, you do not do anything to jeopardize their being there. Don't _you_ know _that?_"

"I do." Tino agreed. "I didn't want to, oh god I didn't mean to. It was the worst mistake of my life. I-" He shook his head, eyes glassy. "Oh fuck I'd do anything to take it back."

"Would you now?" Nikolai asked.

"Of course." Tino nodded. "Of course I would. I'll do anything to make it up to him. Anything he wants. I want him to love me again." He said, voice pitching and cracking as he tried to keep his composure.

"Do you _really_?" His companion asked, coldly. "Because I don't believe you. Do you know what I think, Tino?" he asked. Tino remained silent, waiting for him to elaborate.

"I think you want him to love you again so that you can break him. I think you want to get him wrapped around your finger so that you can break him all over again, and I think that's what you wanted to do this time- only this time you fucked up. That's why you need a second chance, isn't it?"

"No, no, _no_ I need him back because I _love_ him! I don't want to do anything to him but make him happy with me again, god the last thing I want to do is _break_ him!" The Finn cried out, a sob slipping from his throat.

"You know, since this is coming from _you _I have a hard time believing that- I know what you do to people you bitch. You take them, you make the fucking want to _die_ for you and then you use them, and use them and use them until they're _dead_ and you walk away like nothing ever fucking happened. Like you never knew them. And I will not let you break Berwald's heart like that; he deserves better." Nikolai said, bitterly.

"Berwald does deserve better than that, I wouldn't do that to him!" He wailed. "Look, I won't lie to you, _yes_ I've done that to other people before and I know it and I meant to but my god he's the one person I won't ever do that to! He is the one person I ever cared about enough to put first, and I love him, I love him enough to give up everything to make this work again and can you _just_ trust me on that?" He choked, trying to speak through broken sobs.

Tino almost seemed like he wanted to say more but he started hyperventilating and he stopped to try and breathe again. His face was a mess, covered with sticky tears, and somehow Nikolai felt almost wrong staring at him like that.

"Fix your face." He said, though slightly softer that he had been all conversation.

Tino sniffled and nodded, taking his hands and more smearing the tears across his skin, but it's not like there was much else that he could have done. They glistened over the spotting from the bruises and the hollow circles under his eyes, and he almost looked like even more of a wreck if that was even possible.

Nikolai waited while the other tried to calm himself, and though his face didn't show it he was mildly surprised first that Tino admitted to his accusation, and then that he actually sounded somewhat genuine. Once the sobs slowed a little and his breathing evened back out to slow, shaky, shallow breaths, the Norwegian spoke again.

"Would you trade choking for him?" He asked, slowly.

There it was- the question Tino had been asking himself for months. He had lost sleep over it, struggled with it, turned it around and around and around over and over and over and now here he was at gunpoint, no more time to think. He would have to live with this decision, and his heart was racing until he realized that really it was not for him to decide- he already knew the answer from the past few days, weeks, months. His heart slowed as he relaxed, and slowly his lips moved.

"Yes." He said, softly, nodding. "Yes. Yes, I would give up choking for him." It didn't help anymore anyway- really, he had already made the trade a long time ago.

"You will never get another chance again, so you better mean that." Nikolai said, coldly. It was an empty threat, as much as he wished that it wasn't. But he knew it was just as much as he knew Berwald, just as much as he could see in the man's eyes that he'd do whatever it took to be with Tino. It was the only way he would be able to _live_. He wished that he didn't have to watch the Swede go through such anguish as he did.

"I do." Tino promised, interrupting his train of thought. "He's so much more important."

"He is." The other agreed.

"He is." The Finn affirmed again.

There was a pause. The silence was heavy, and Tino was the first to crack under the weight.

"Can I please see him now?" He begged, weary but not giving up.

"Tonight." Nikolai responded, simply. Berwald silently promised him the day, and Berwald was a man of his word (or lack thereof), but he knew the second the day was over he would run right back to his pretty little lover.

Having to wait yet longer killed him a little inside, but Tino swallowed the knot in his throat and nodded, not wanting to fuck anything up.

"Does he know where to find me?" Tino asked, shakily.

"I'm sure he could figure it out eventually, but do you want me to tell him a place?" The Norwegian asked.

Tino nodded. "Can you tell him the cafeteria?" He asked. He really couldn't stand being alone in his room anymore.

"Sure." Nikolai agreed. "Time?"

"As soon as possible- I'll be there." He said, simply. His voice was quiet now, and even though there was something still frantic under it the Finn could have passed for calm.

"You really want to wait that long?"

"Yep." He said, lightly, as though there wasn't another way to answer.

"Fine then- I'll tell him."

"Thank you."

Then there was silence, and the two stayed stationary for a while almost as if moving would somehow disrupt something sacred. Finally Nikolai spoke again.

"I still don't trust you."

"I know."

More silence. This time the Norwegian stood, looking down as his companion one last time for the day.

"I hope this never stops hurting you." Nikolai said, casually.

"Believe me it won't." Tino assured.

"He deserves better."

"I know. I'll make it better."

"See to it that you do."

"I will."

"I hate you."

Tino paused before responding, a strange smile crossing his lips as looked up at the other, eyes hollow and haunting.

"Someone has to." He said, voice soft and cracked and smiling all the way.

The smile never fell from his lips even when he fell silent. It was unsettling, poignant and piercing and almost not even deserving to be called a smile. It made Nikolai's skin crawl, and he looked to the ground while he muttered his goodbye before he turned on his heel as quick as he could to get the hell away, leaving the Finn alone. Tino watched him go, and once the other was out of his line of sight he stood and made his way inside and settle down to wait again.

* * *

><p>The events that happened between the end of Nikolai and Tino's meeting and before the end of the day that Berwald had promised were not significant.<p>

Tino drank a juice box to sweeten his breath as he sat against the doorjamb of the cafeteria. Nikolai washed his thermos out in the bathroom since his tea went cold before he went back to his room. There he joined Mathias, who had taken to playing a one-player game of chess, and Berwald, who only watched. Ivan followed a distance behind his 'friend' Toris who tagged along with Feliks on a walk once they had both given up trying to help Eduard for the day. Eduard finally took a break from bending over backwards that he should have taken years ago. And the monotony of it all went on, and on, and on, and on.

And then finally came the night.

Berwald stood first and walked to the door, Mathias and Nikolai following. No one seemed to have the heart to push it open right away- they weren't quite done yet. Mathias looked at Berwald who looked back at him before looking at Nikolai, who gazed back at him as more time ticked away and finally he sighed, heavily, before he spoke to him for the first time all day.

"So this is it." He murmured.

"F'ya wanna put it tha' way, bu' tha' sounds really bad." The Swede responded.

"It is bad. I never thought I'd have to say goodbye twice." Nikolai said, voice cracking.

"Na' goodbye, really."

"Yes it is, you're going to go back to him and then we're never going to see you again-" He started, voice shaking like it did when he was getting ready to put up a fight until Berwald took his shoulders and cut him off.

"Ah'll come back to visit." He assured.

"…You better." He whispered, weak, defeated, realizing that there was absolutely nothing left that he could do to change things.

At that Berwald leaned down to give his long-time friend a hug, pretending not to notice a few teardrops stain his chest. Nikolai wouldn't want him to say anything about it, anyway. When they parted Nikolai bit his lip and turned his face away, arms around himself, and Berwald turned to face Mathias. The Dane smiled a slightly sad smile.

"Least we can't say this is my fault this time." He laughed, and Berwald laughed a little with him.

"Ah'll be 'round this time." The other assured again, and Mathias stalled a little before pulling his best friend into a tight squeeze, and Berwald returned the gesture.

When they finally let go Mathias gave one last bittersweet smile, and Nikolai stole another glance at him.

"I'm supposed to tell you Tino's waiting for you in the cafeteria." He finally admitted after a pregnant pause, and Berwald's eyes widened.

"Y'talked to him?"

"Yeah- I almost didn't even need to, though, anyone could have told you he's been looking for you without ever having talked to him at this rate."

"…How long?" Berwald asked, pale in the face.

"About since you got here. He's been going almost non-stop. He keeps trying your cell even though you don't have it on you- don't know if he thought about that yet."

_Shit._

"Is he okay? Why didn' ya' tell me? Is he angry, upset, has he been sleepin' right, sometimes he doesn't sleep when he's upset-"

"I didn't tell you because you needed time, and I didn't want you to rush. I can tell you he's not angry, he's closer to hysterical. And before you ask me any more questions about how he's doing, consider that he might be able to answer them better than I can." Nikolai said, his usual coldness starting to set back in. At least it wouldn't hurt as much for him when Berwald walked out the door, then.

"Oh mah ga'." Berwald mumbled, holding his face in one hand. "Ah gotta go t'him."

"The go." Nikolai said, finally accepting the fact that it was time to part. Berwald was already gone really, his mind back to his lover, and even though their eyes met one last time he wasn't in the moment. He murmured his final goodbyes, a promise to visit some later date, but his mind was already down the hall and soon his feet followed.

It was almost surreal being back out of his own self-induced purgatory, and he felt like he was more gliding over the floor than he was taking his own steps. Hell even the lighting kind of looked different. He probably could have observed more but he was kind of in a rush; he really needed to put on some fresh clothes instead of the ones he had left in, grab his phone, get to Tino… god he was worried about the Finn.

He got to his room in record time and unlocked the door about as fast as the old lock and key could take before he about ran in and grabbed his phone off of the nightstand. Fuck. It was dead. Haphazardly he started digging through his drawers to find where the hell he dropped his charger last, twisting into a clean shirt and one-handedly changing into a pair of pants he found in the process. He managed to trip over a cord as he moved, and mentally kicked himself when he realized he had just wasted a good few minutes looking for something right under his feet.

Hastily he plugged in the phone, willing it to turn on even for just a minute, and after a short period of stalling it finally lit up. Missed call. Two missed calls. Three, four- New text. Two new texts. Three, four five, ten, twenty-five, fifty- they just kept coming, and Berwald stopped keeping track. He tried opening the messages, and even though he was always quickly interrupted by more he managed to read a few. _Shit_- Tino did sound hysterical. He wasn't mad at least, thank god, but… dammit he sounded hurt. The last thing Berwald ever meant to do to the beautiful boy was hurt him.

He dropped the phone on the nightstand and let it continue it's business as it charged, and rushed out of the room as quickly as he'd ran in. He barely even remembered going through the corridors, or the blur of the stairs beneath him as he flew down them. All he knew was that it took too god damn long, and he couldn't afford to waste any more time than he already had, especially if Tino was in the state Nikolai made him out to be and that his texts said that he was.

* * *

><p>Tino wasn't even sure if he was alive anymore.<p>

His neck was stiff, and he was stuck staring at his knees, and the numbness in the rest of his bones made him wonder if he could even move if he tried, but he didn't particularly want to. Hell, maybe if he just lay down and _died_ Berwald would at least show up at his funeral- that counted as finding him, right?

_God_ he was thinking such morbid thoughts. Usually he didn't think of death as a solution, only finding relief, but maybe this was what it was like for people with no relief at all… wasn't that him right then?

He laughed, hollowly and to no one but himself, and didn't even recognize his own voice anymore. Maybe that was why when another sound cut the air; it took him a moment to recognize what it was.

"Hej." It rang out, hanging in the air tentatively like a footstep on a frozen lake when there was no other way to test how solid the ice was. It was smooth, deep, familiar, so very familiar, familiar like the bed he had spent the past months in, and familiar in the way it hit his ears like it used to when it was quieter, yet so much clearer and right in his ear. He forced himself to look up from his knees, and intense, perfect, familiar, so very familiar aquamarine eyes caught his own, and he choked back a sob as he realized that this wasn't all some fucked up dream-

"Berwald." He barely whispered, quickly forcing himself to stand. He shook as he did, weak from the strain, and he could see concern flash through the man's eyes.

"Tino…" Berwald breathed, not even able to start to imagine what bought his lover to his current state, standing gaunt with those dark splotches of bruising on his face and the hollowness of his eyes-

"Berwald." Tino sobbed this time, before the other could continue. "Berwald, oh god, Berwald are you really here?" He asked, almost dumbly. A tear trailed down his cheek as his eyes flooded, and he reached out with a broken smile to touch the man's cheek just to make sure that their reunion wasn't some sick joke. When he finally felt his long-absent lover again he ran his fingers over the man's face, his sobs intensifying.

"Berwald!" He almost screamed, cupping his lover's face firmly in his hands as though if he didn't hold on tight enough he would slip away again.

"Tino." Berwald's voice soothed, softening as he was touched. "Tino, ah'm here. S'okay na'… Wha' happened to yoo?" He asked, gently, because the way his lover's voice was breaking almost broke him, too, and made him think that maybe this was even more serious than he had first thought. He reached his own hand out to find the small of his lover's back and pull him closer, and Tino gratefully pressed against him.

"I am so sorry Berwald." Tino whispered, "Baby, oh god I am so fucking sorry- oh god are you really here?" He sobbed again, tracing his skin with his hands yet again to take the feeling of his being _here_ in.

"Ah'm." he promised again, catching one of the Finn's hands as his fingers traced his lips and pressing a kiss against the digits. "Ah'm. Tino, wha' happened?"

"I- I was looking for you." Tino smiled, tears still falling. "I was looking for you because you were gone- oh god Berwald!" He sobbed, at that point throwing his arms around the man and burying his face against his chest.

Realizing he wasn't going to get a good answer right then Berwald stopped trying to ask questions and wrapped his arms tightly around the Finn, holding him even more firmly, and pressed a kiss onto the top of his head.

"Ah'm here now, Tino." He soothed. Tino nodded against his chest, the sobs still coming on strong.

"Tino," He started again, taking the Finnish teen's tear stained face in his hands and tilting it up so that he could see it. "Tino, ah'm na' goin' anywhere 'ver again. It's okej now."

"Never?" Tino asked, voice pitching, hopeful.

"Never." Berwald assured, tenderly.

Tino nodded quickly, shakily, _yes I want that_, and he reached his own trembling hands out again to pull Berwald's mouth against his own and taste him, mouth open as he whimpered into the kiss. Berwald moved his hands to Tino's waist and held him, returning the kiss, trying to soothe him even though he was just as needy for the contact. Tino only broke the kiss to breathe, because breathing was good because it kept Berwald there and he was not about to make another stupid mistake-

"Berwald." He whispered. "Berwald I need you. I want…"

Berwald hushed him gently, hugging him close. "Ah need yoo too. Why dun we go back to our room?" he coaxed.

Tino took a minute to process the words and then nodded, slowly, reluctant to untangle himself from Berwald. The Swede sensed as much and pressed a kiss against his lover's forehead to assure him that it was okay, he wasn't going to run off, they were just going to re-locate again just like the first time that they made love. Sighing quietly and leaning into his lips, the Finnish teen found his lover's hand and held it tightly in his own before stepping back and squeezing tighter, smiling shakily and starting to pull the man towards their room again.

* * *

><p>For the first time in days Tino found that he was able to breathe again, even if only for short bursts in between sloppy kisses.<p>

He straddled his Swedish lover, kissing him needily and moaning and gently swaying his hips, the other's hands resting on his ass as he did. Occasionally the man gave a soft squeeze or caressed him, and Tino whimpered and deepened the kisses as he tried to encourage him. His tongue traced the other's mouth, and he sighed happily at the taste.

Berwald hummed appreciatively in response to his lover's movements. It was the most comfortable he had been in days, propped up against a few pillows that Tino set up for him before he began his half-lap dance. The heat from the other's lips kept him warm, and he continued to grope at the Finn's ass through his jeans. He still worried for his lover, his sweet, beautiful lover, but he couldn't deny himself that he was definitely enjoying the treatment. This time when they broke for air Tino spoke against his lips.

"I love you." He breathed, shakily. "I love you."

"Ah love yoo too." Berwald breathed back, gripping the other.

"I need you, Berwald." He whispered. "Berwald, please-"

His voice cracked and he couldn't finish, and Berwald gave him a gentle kiss before he spoke again.

"Ah need yoo too, Tino. Please wha'?" He encouraged, gently.

"Let me make things good for you." Tino whispered, shakily, kissing the other's jawbone. Berwald groaned softly at the soft lips on his skin and pulled the other closer.

"Yoo are." He assured, quietly.

"I'm not enough." The other whispered again, hoarse.

"Wha'?"

"I'm not good enough for you." He clarified.

Berwald kissed him again.

"Ah think yer perfec'."

"You deserve better." His voice cracked.

"Ah only wan' yoo." Berwald soothed, rubbing the small of Tino's back soothingly.

Tino stared intently at him and sat back a little, letting himself sit more upright in his lover's lap now, reaching out to rest his fingertips on the other's cheek.

"Do you mean that?" The Finn asked, quietly.

"Yes." Berwald promised.

Continuing to gaze at his lover, Tino shifted from his position of sitting on Berwald's lap and moved between his legs, unbuttoning the fly of his pants to get to the bulge forming underneath the fabric. Berwald's breath hitched, and Tino caught his gaze.

"If you say things like that…" He started, fingers at the waistband of the underwear, "I might start to believe you. So tell me again, do you need me?"

"Yes." Berwald promised again, moving a hand to stoke his lover's hair.

"Will you?"

"Yes. Always." He assured, gently. Tino's eyes were still wild, broken, but he seemed to calm slightly as he pulled the other's length from its confines. He gripped the base in one hand, using the other to hold the tip closer to his lips.

"Me?"

"Only yoo."

At that the Finn smiled a weak smile and leaned down, giving the head of the cock a wet kiss. Berwald's breath caught in his throat and he pushed his hips closer, wanting, and seeing his lover like that made the Finn smile and kiss the slit again before licking it and moaning at the taste. Berwald couldn't stifle a sharp moan, and Tino pulled back from the length and smiled lovingly up at him again, stroking the leaking cock with his thumb.

"You are so good, Berwald." He praised. "I am never going to let you go, my darling."

"G- good." Berwald managed to gasp out, breathing laboured as Tino's breath hit his tip. He could see his lover lean forward, closer to his aching arousal as his eyelashes fluttered and his lips parted in a strange, broken smile. The Finn looked up at him from under his bangs, still smiling dazedly.

"You will_ never _get rid of me." Tino cooed slowly, softly but firmly, carefully pronouncing every syllable and nuzzling the underside of the length with his cheek.

It was a promise, a declaration, and it rang in Berwald's ears from the sheer intensity in his lover's voice. It was haunting, enticing, and final all at the same time and all Berwald could do was nod to his lover, compliant.

"J-ja." He agreed, and honestly that was the most coherent answer that he could muster at that moment.

But it was a good enough answer for Tino, and Tino rewarded him by finally taking the head of the Swede's aching erection fully into his mouth, humming sweetly onto it. Berwald cried out, bucking his hips and shoving more of the length into the Finnish teen's mouth, and the Finn moaned softly and opened a little wider to take it.

There was a good chance that he was losing his mind, Berwald was sure, as he felt his aching arousal sliding deeper into the hot, wet mouth before him. He thrust his hips in yet further, wanting more of the sensation, and the Finn hummed and stroked the cock with his tongue in response. Berwald gasped when the other began to suck, further intensifying the sensation.

Nothing else existed for Tino right then. All he could think about was Berwald, sucking his dick, making him happy- he seemed to be succeeding, judging by the other's low gasps and moans. Yes, he was doing good, right? He wouldn't fuck up again. It would be just the way Berwald wanted it, and then he would stay and not go anywhere and love him-

He could feel tears welling up and he started to suck harder, closing his eyes and bobbing his head while whimpering softly onto the cock. The Swede seemed to notice this and moved a hand to stroke his hair.

"Tino?" He questioned, gently.

Slowly, reluctantly, the Finnish male removed his lips from the arousal, breathing softly and tilting his head up towards Berwald.

"Tell me you love me, baby." Tino cooed, gazing up at his lover pathetically as he gripped the base.

"Ah do love yoo." Berwald promised, and Tino gave a small suck to the tip as praise before moving his mouth again to speak.

"Don't leave me." He begged, softly, licking at the base to try and tempt the other.

"Ah- huh- ah, ah won't, Tino," Berwald panted, before taking the other's face in his hands and gently pulling him away from the length, catching his gaze. He could tell his lover needed reassurance, and that took priority over his aching member.

"Tino, ah promise. Ah won't 'ver leave ya' again." He soothed, stroking the Finn's cheek.

He held him there a moment, trying to communicate honesty, care, tenderness, all of the things he always struggled to put into words with his eyes, and Tino just smiled weakly up at him. Berwald's gaze softened more and he continued to stroke the Finn's cheek with his thumb, trying to reassure him.

"Ah'm na' puttin' either a us through tha' again. We b'long with eachother, an ah'm goin' ta' make sure we always are." Berwald promised, still holding his lover's face in his hand.

The promise was reward enough for Tino, and it was all that the Finn needed to dip his head down and open his lips again, taking the length back in his mouth and moaning softly onto it as he massaged it with his tongue. Berwald groaned, wrapping his fingers into his lover's hair and pressing his hips forward.

"Tino." He moaned, stroking the soft blonde locks and panting softly.

Tino seemed happy at that and hummed softly in response, picking up the pace and starting to take more in his mouth.

"Ah love yoo." He gasped again, trying his best to at least be a half-decent boyfriend even though he was letting the other suck him off when he should have been holding him and continuing to reassure him- but he wanted this, too, and realistically he was sure it would have happened one way or another. He settled for trying to be reassuring through his heavy gasps and moans.

The Finnish teen sighed happily at the statement and hummed in reciprocation, starting to take the cock into his throat. He gagged slightly, and at one time he would have let himself start to struggle to breathe, but not anymore. Now he took a deep breath in and accommodated the shaft to the best of his ability, making sure to let Berwald hear his breaths. He was breathing, see? He was good, right? Breathing is good, it keeps Berwald with him and not scared-

A heavy moan escaped Berwald's lips and he groaned as the other worked on him. Tino was too good at this, sucking and swallowing his aching need, and it made him want to let the pretty Finn know as much. He leaned forward, gazing down tenderly at his love as he listened to him take his breaths.

"Yer doin' wonderful." He soothed, stroking Tino's cheek tenderly with his thumb. The Finnish teen mumbled something onto the member, and Berwald couldn't quite make it out.

"What didja say?" He asked, gently. The other pulled off of the cock again, looking up at him shyly.

"Call me your wife again. I- I am your wife, aren't I?" He asked quietly. He had swallowed his pride the nights he spent bargaining with himself to try and get Berwald back, and he said it with no regrets. This was for Berwald, after all. If Berwald wanted it then he wanted it, too.

Berwald could feel his member throb harder, and he groaned lowly before he could compose himself enough to form words. "Ah _gud_ yes-"

"Then say it." Tino murmured, voice still soft. "Call me your wife. Want me…" He choked, voice pitching.

Berwald's heart twisted and panged in the strangest of ways, a muddled mess of both pleasure and guilt, and he pulled Tino into his lap instead so that he could kiss him. He held him close and licked at the other's lips for entrance, humming when the other allowed it to him. When they broke for air he caught the Finn's eyes, gently resting a hand on his cheek again.

"I do want yoo, wife." He promised. It felt good to finally be able to call Tino that, and it felt good to promise him and be able to dote on him. He hoped that it felt as good for Tino, too.

"Thank you." Tino whispered, and Berwald kissed him again in response, briefly, before responding.

"Ah do. Yoo are so good t'me." The Swedish teen praised.

"I'll be better." Tino promised, and Berwald kissed his cheek gently.

"Yer perfect jus' th'way yoo are."

Tino shook his head but wrapped his arms tightly around Berwald, clinging, and the Swede welcomed the contact. He continued to hold Tino, kissing his temple softly, and the Finn's hand found its way to fondle his lover's still aching cock as he did. It made Berwald moan again and press another kiss against Tino's forehead before moving his lips against his ear.

"I wanna touch y'too, wife." He whispered.

Tino gazed up at him and nodded, and that was all of the permission Berwald needed to guide the other to lay back against the mattress and shift so that he was on top of his smaller lover. Tino gazed up at him, dazed and wanting, and Berwald leaned down to kiss him full on the lips before letting his mouth explore the rest of his lover's skin. He let his eyes close while he licked and sucked at the crook of the Finn's neck, enjoying the taste. As he did he slid his hands under Tino's shirt and rubbed at his waist, and he was pleased when the Finn pressed against him. It was soothing to be latched onto him, tasting him, snuggling against him, and when the other began to moan softly and stroke his hair he sighed happily.

"Berwald!" Tino cried out, breathy, and Berwald pressed a sloppy kiss against the fresh love mark that he had just left before looking up at the beautiful boy.

"Ah wanna touch more." Berwald murmured, starting to tug at the edge of the Finn's shirt.

Nodding quickly, Tino sat up and Berwald moved with him, and once again the Finn crawled into the other man's lap and started to strip for him. He smiled shakily as he pulled off his shirt, wiggling his hips a little against Berwald, and earned himself a kiss from his Swedish lover.

"Yer so beautif'l." Berwald breathed when they parted, and Tino smiled weakly again and unzipped his pants, pulling down his underwear down with them and starting to wriggle them down his thighs.

"As long as you like it." He murmured in reply, and before he could even think of anything else Berwald groped at his now-exposed ass and crushed their lips together again. When the kiss broke Berwald simply planted more kisses down the Finn's chest, earning a chorus of soft gasps and moans.

"Ah _love_ you." Berwald emphasized, stopping at a nipple and licking the soft nub. It made Tino gasp and cry out, clinging as the other sucked at it roughly and continued to squeeze at his backside. _Oh. _Berwald was paying attention to him, touching him, _loving_ him. Tino so wanted it, and he continued to cling while he tried to form a coherent string of words.

"I love you so much!" Tino about sobbed as the other continued to tease at the pink bud, and Berwald responded by pressing a soft kiss onto the skin before moving to give the other one the same treatment. His wife was just so cute, moaning like that. He continued to suckle at the nipple, humming slightly as he did, before moving to speak.

"M'wife." He praised, and Tino nodded eagerly before reaching out and placing his hands at the edge of Berwald's shirt.

"You love me." Tino crooned, practically pleading for assurance.

"Ah do." Berwald agreed gently.

Smiling the Finn leaned in and kissed the other sloppily before he continued his train of thought.

"Can I undress you?" Tino asked, shakily, voice pitching, and Berwald was surprised he had asked at all. There were tears in his lover's eyes and the Swedish teen kissed his jaw to try and calm him.

"Of course y'can. Yer always welcome to, wife." He soothed.

Pleased, Tino quickly tugged off Berwald's shirt and then tossed it aside, kissing him needily again and ghosting his fingers over the other's still hardened shaft. Gladly Berwald shifted against him, allowing the other to help him shimmy out of his pants before moaning into the kiss and putting a hand on the Finn's hip to pull him closer. His efforts were rewarded with a warm, gentle stroke to his cock and he gasped, reluctantly breaking the kiss to breathe.

Their eyes caught, and Berwald found himself staring into a sea of violet. Tino stared back up at him, needy, and Berwald pulled him closer while pressing a kiss to his forehead. He couldn't _live_ without him. Those last three days he was _dead_, and now with this beautiful boy he finally felt alive again. Judging by Tino's reaction, he was sure that the Finn felt the same.

His train of thought was interrupted again by another stroke to his cock, and he groaned and rolled his hips against the hand. Fuck he needed more of him. He moved back slightly and cupped Tino's cheek, making him look at him before speaking.

"Ah wanna be inside a'yoo." He said gently, carefully, keeping the other's gaze.

The words rang in Tino's ears like those last few moments before he had lost his love last and he nodded quickly, dizzy, and pressed another sloppy kiss to Berwald's lips.

"You can, you're always allowed _oh_ I'm your wife you're supposed to be inside Berwald please-" He choked. There were tears in his eyes as he spoke, and Berwald kissed his neck again to soothe him.

"S'okay." Berwald soothed, murmuring against his Finnish lover's skin. "S'okay. 'Ve got yoo. 'M here."

The words didn't seem to register in Tino's mind. He simply clung tighter to Berwald, a tear trickling down his cheek as he tried to speak.

"I promise it'll be good this time." He whimpered. "I-I'll be good and you'll cum in me and it'll be so good this time I'll fix it-"

The Swede could feel his heart breaking listening to his love talk like that and he silenced him with a kiss. He only pulled away again to reply.

"Yer always good." He promised the Finn. "Ah was stupid last time, it's okay-"

"No, I fucked up!" Tino about screamed. "Berwald you're perfect and wonderful and I d-don't deserve you but I'll make this good so that you at least don't have to lie about liking it anymore, okay, okay!"

Berwald's heart sunk in his chest upon realizing that Tino didn't believe that he wanted him at all. He pulled Tino more tightly to him, realizing just how shattered he was and hating himself for letting him be broken. The other sobbed against him and his throat knotted as he wished he could reach him enough to soothe him.

"Tino ah love yoo" He murmured, stoking the Finn's hair soothingly, trying to see of he could at least get that much through to him.

"I- I love you too Berwald." He choked out, heart clenching when he realized he stuttered oh fuck what if Berwald didn't believe him and left again oh god not again he couldn't take it- he bit the inside of his cheek as some sort of repentance before he spoke again, a coppery taste filling his mouth as he tried to form his words more clearly. "I love you so much Berwald I-I'm sorry I stuttered I mean it, I mean it I love you-"

The Finn cut off and sobbed until his breaths became quick and frenzied and shallow and dizzy, and Berwald hushed him gently as he continued to stroke his hair. He stayed silent until the Finn stopped hyperventilating and his breaths came just a little easier.

"Ah b'lieve yoo." Berwald finally replied, gently. "Ah do."

"I need you." Tino whispered shakily. "Berwald I need you. I can't _function_ without you- I can't live."

"I need yoo too, Tino. Ah can't go on w'thout yoo either, yoo know." The Swede admitted. There was no shame. This was Tino, his love, his oxygen, his _life_- that was probably the truest statement he had ever spoke.

Tino's sobs slowed just slightly as he gazed at his love, and he took Berwald's cheek in his palm shakily.

"Yeah?" The Finn begged, tentatively hopeful.

"Ja." Berwald assured. It was a one-word answer and it was the world in that moment. The Swede connected their lips again and Tino held on tightly, humming into it. When the kiss finally broke Tino still held onto Berwald but laid back just a little more, shifting his legs open to give Berwald access to him.

"I love you." He whispered again, now willingly vulnerable to his lover. Berwald was vulnerable to him too though, right? He needed him. He needed this. They both did so it was okay now. Yes it was.

Berwald stared down at his pretty lover, drinking him in. What else but love could leave him so mesmerized and needy for his eyes, his flushed cheeks, his hair like a halo across the pillow case and _god_he couldn't help looking between his legs at his ever-inviting entrance-

"Ah love yoo too." Berwald promised just as quietly, reaching out to caress a pale, pretty thigh and letting his other hand rub a perfectly soft waist. Tino took a breath and laid back to further invite Berwald to touch him, moaning a little when the man's hand ghosted higher on his thigh-

"Come here and have your wife, Ber." Tino coaxed quietly, needy, and Berwald leaned in to kiss his forehead gently before pressing a finger against the other's lips.

"F'course." He assured gently, rubbing the finger between Tino's lips. Tino opened gratefully, taking the digit into his mouth and humming quietly as he sucked diligently. Berwald stroked his hair with his free hand as he worked, and Tino hummed more in appreciation. It made Berwald press a kiss against his temple as he slipped both other fingers into the other's willing mouth. It was a little much he knew, but it was a patient as he could be with his own aching arousal crying for attention, specifically Tino's attention.

Tino sighed contentedly as he was kissed and he took the digits and wet them carefully, making sure that they were adequately lubed. Berwald would worry if they weren't, and he couldn't risk worrying Berwald and pushing him away. He needed him here, right here, with him where he could be safe and happy with him. Tino would be good, and so Berwald would stay right here. He relaxed slightly at the thought, humming again as he continued to suck at the fingers.

Even just feeling Tino's mouth on his hand was making Berwald groan softly, and he rested his forehead against the other's head and breathed in the scent of his shampoo. He picked out that scent for him, he remembered idly. It was nice.

"Good?" The Swede asked against his hair, not wanting to rush the other but aching to have more of him.

"Mmhm." Tino agreed, and Berwald slid the fingers out from the Finn's lips and moved his hand to the other's entrance. Tino exhaled and shifted his legs open a little wider again as an invitation. Berwald didn't need to be told twice and he slipped the first finger inside, groaning as the tight heat took him in.

"Nn! Yeah…" The Finn moaned, shifting against his lover's hand. "_More_."

"More?" Berwald questioned gently, kissing against soft, blonde locks.

"Please." Tino gasped softly, eyes half lidded.

Gladly Berwald eased another finger in and Tino welcomed it in easily, moaning incoherently as he squirmed against the digits. Berwald hummed and scissored them and Tino rocked his hips against them, panting slightly. He moaned melodically when the other hit a certain spot, and the Swede hummed and pressed open-mouthed kisses against his love's throat as he pushed the last digit inside and earned a cry from his lover.

"Berwald, please!" He cried, and that was all the invitation that Berwald needed to pull his fingers out and position his shaft at his lover's hole.

"Ready, wife?" He asked, gently.

Tino gazed up at him and nodded quickly, wrapping his arms around his lover.

"Yes dear." He cooed needily, and that was all of the encouragement that Berwald needed to hold the Finn's hips in place as he thrust inside of the tight heat, gasping as he was finally taken in again. Tino threw his head back and cried out at the welcome intrusion, clinging to Berwald for dear life as he was stretched open so wide. _God_ the man was perfect. He was perfect and _loving_ him and fuck Tino didn't deserve any of this but hell he'd do his best to try to.

"Yer so good." Berwald groaned in his ear, and Tino moaned at the praise and shifted his hips against his lover's.

"I'm your _wife_. I- _oh_, I have to be good for my husband." He gasped.

He could feel the low moan in Berwald's throat and when the man thrust harder into him he knew that he'd succeeded. Berwald liked that. He'd be sure to keep _that_ up.

"You like that, sweetheart?" He moaned as he was pushed into, and Berwald groaned lowly and sped up some.

"You do- oh, _god_- you just _love_ making me more your wife." He cooed.

"_Gud yes." _Berwald groaned. He continued to buck into the Finn and Tino welcomed him gratefully, moaning as the thrusts became more intense. This was exactly what he needed, letting himself be used to please the other. He didn't care if it was his mouth, or his nipples, or his ass or his voice crooning _yes darling, I'm your wife_- anything that Berwald wanted, as long as he wanted him.

"Oh, _oh-_ what do you think about when you- _aah_- when you do this to me, baby?" The Finnish teen asked between moans. This time this was going to be good for Berwald. This time, and the next time, and the next- he'd make sure of it.

"Hn- think 'bout how good m'wife is." Berwald moaned, panting as he tried to find the breath to form his words. "Think 'bout- uhn- 'bout…"

"_Oh- _Te-ell me, honey." Tino gasped as the other continued to pound into him. "Tell your wife."

"Huh-aaaah- think 'bout dressin' yoo up. Think bout havin' ya' in the kitchen, the bath, the bed in our home-" Berwald moaned, thrusting harder at his own fantasy.

_Our home._ Even in bed Berwald was thinking about them, their together, their future, and if all Tino needed to do to secure his having this perfect man and their home was cross-dress he'd be more than happy to. Berwald gave another particularly hard thrust, probably still aroused from the imagery he'd shared, and Tino wailed for him.

"Ah! Oh, yes, _yes_, oh love me, love me, love me, _love me_!" He screamed, drooling and crying as he was thrust into. It wasn't meant in the context of fucking, no, he meant _love me_, he wanted all of the love that the other could give and he would do whatever it took, dirty talk and dressing, to get it. His tight walls clamped down around the other's throbbing cock, and tears welled up in his violet eyes as he started getting closer and closer to coming because he just didn't want this to end, not when they were so close together again-

Berwald crushed their lips together, thrusting harder, and when they moved for air he leaned his lips against his lover's ear.

"Ah do love yoo." He whispered, holding him tightly. This was a matter of proving himself, not running, restoring that security that they'd had torn away from them. He would say it again, and again, and again, even if his lover only barely heard him so that he would at least hear him say it even if he didn't process it completely.

"Ah love yoo. Ah love yoo. Ah love yoo." He murmured as he got closer and closer, holding his little lover tightly so that when he came they'd be as close as possible.

The Swedish man's words were a lullaby for him, soothing, and he found himself feeling safe enough now to just _let go_, letting himself see those stars that he saw while he got that familiar light-headedness that came with their love. Berwald was far more worth it than choking ever could be.

Watching his wife climax was enough to push Berwald over the edge and he thrust wildly just a few more times before he came too, filling his Finnish lover to brim with his seed as he collapsed against him. He wasn't sure how long it took him to get his senses back after that, all he knew was that it was however many times that he had heard Tino's heart beat in his chest and however many kisses he had pressed against his skin.

When Tino was finally coherent again he could feel Berwald's lips on his skin and he tangled his finger's in the man's short, choppy blonde hair, stroking his head gently. He was still here. He was still here. The Finn felt dizzy and he wrapped his arms around Berwald to try and regain his balance, head rolling back on the pillow. Why was everything so tired…

Berwald finally looked up from his kissed to catch a glimpse of Tino's face, and he could clearly see that the Finnish male was struggling to keep his eyes open. Poor thing. He hadn't been sleeping at all, had he? He never slept when he was upset. Carefully he shifted so that he could lay his head next to the Finn's, wrapping his smaller lover in his arms.

"Tired?" he asked, quietly, trying not to startle him.

Tino seemed to move his lips a moment but then settled for just nodding, clinging to Berwald.

"Don't leave me." He pleaded, holding on as tightly as his sleep weakened arms would let him hold.

"Never will." Berwald assured, kissing his forehead and running a hand through his hair.

Tino nodded and murmured something that sounded like a thank you, and Berwald just hummed and kissed his temple in response, rubbing soothing circles against his back. As much as Tino seemed to be fighting to stay awake his consciousness was slipping away, and Berwald pulled him closer as though to encourage him.

"Ah'll be righ' here when ya' wake up." He assured softly.

"Yeah?" Tino yawned, still latched onto him.

"Ja." Berwald murmured.

Tino nodded this time and let himself relax into Berwald's hold, and Berwald sighed contentedly as they both drifted into sleep, real sleep, for the first time in days.

* * *

><p>Author's Note: So I made this dreadful mistake of getting a life, and I took a trip 'round the world. I realized one day sitting on the stairs that I missed this place that I go to when I write, and to be quite frank as bad as I am with updating and grammar and just everything I don't think that I can ever leave it behind because it makes me so fucking <em>happy<em> for some reason. And so here is the insanely late update for my baby, Choke.

Thank you everyone for your reviews, support, and continued encouragement even when I was being a butt. I appreciate every single one of you even if I couldn't bring my hands to type it out that day, and I hope that you all can continue to enjoy reading it as much as I do writing it. I always make resolutions to be better and I tend to fail, but here I am making another one to be at least a little better than I have been. It seems writing is the only one that hasn't disappointed me yet, and so I really should treat it better.

Reviews are wonderful, beautiful indicators that you guys are still out there, and much appreciated by this ragged author.


	20. Chapter 20

It felt like they could have just stayed sleeping together forever- Tino wouldn't have minded at all if they had.

When he finally started drifting back into consciousness, even his sleepy thoughts were spotted with Berwald. The warmth from the other's arms around him was the only thing keeping the cold of the room from making him shiver, and he burrowed against the other's strong chest. He wondered how long he had slept for- three days on almost no sleep would probably have knocked him out for a good while, at least twelve hours or so. That should have made up for those three days, right? Or was it four days? Or two? Or a week?

Whatever it was, it had been far too long without this soothing closeness of his body against Berwald's. He loved the feel of that closeness, the way his smell filled his nose and the way the sound of his breathing echoed in his ears. He loved the way the taste of his cock and his lips lingered in his mouth_. _He would make sure that he _never _had to go without this again.

The need to _see_ Berwald again started to become overwhelming, and so the Finn forced his eyes open to gaze at his sleeping lover. He was perfect, fast asleep against him like that, just as he should be. Staying in Berwald's arms, Tino scooted upwards against the other so that he could press his lips against the other's jaw, and then his cheek, and then his nose and his temples and his forehead and everywhere else that he could possibly kiss again, and again, and again. This was just how it should be, Tino thought, Berwald safe and comfortable against him and letting him lavish him with affection. He couldn't have thought of a better arrangement.

* * *

><p>Berwald woke to soft, warm lips pressing against his cheek.<p>

It was pleasant, and he could feel those lips trailing down his jaw and then onto his neck and he let out a drowsy hum of approval. He wasn't quite ready to open his eyes yet, but his hand found it's way into Tino's hair to lazily stroke the soft, silky locks. The gesture earned him a contented sigh from his lover and more kisses, and the Swede leaned closer.

It was nice to just cuddle without any words like that- he knew the second that he opened his eyes he'd have to confront the situation again, and that would require a lot of talking and probably a lot of coaxing, and for the moment he just drank in the feeling of being calm before he slowly, slowly opened his eyes. The kisses trailed back up his jaw, and Tino must have noticed he'd opened his eyes because he offered him a weak smile and kissed his forehead.

"Good morning sweetheart." Tino crooned, gently, reaching up to cup the Swede's cheek. He stared intently at the other, eyes full of so much love and adoration and obsession that Berwald could feel the guilt weighing on his chest.

"Morning." He replied, still a little drowsy, and Tino just pressed another kiss to his skin.

"How did you sleep dear?" Tino asked, now rubbing his jawbone with his thumb, and Berwald leaned against the hand.

"Good." Berwald assured, and the answer earned him another kiss. Or maybe Tino would have kissed him anyway, even if he hadn't said a thing. He started to think the latter when he was gifted with more kisses all over his face.

"How 'bout you?" The Swedish teen finally asked, and Tino nodded and continued to kiss a while longer before replying.

"I slept very good with you here sweetie." He finally declared, smiling at the other, dark circles still under his eyes and a bruise still spotting his face. He didn't look all that much more rested than he had last night. It made Berwald wonder if Tino was just saying things he thought he wanted to hear, and he felt a sharp pang in his chest. Maybe Tino was afraid of what he'd do if he didn't.

"It's 'kay if ya didn't, y'know." He offered gently to the Finn, and Tino shook his head frantically.

"It was good. You held me and loved me and we slept together and it was good." He insisted, voice pitching a little as he clung tighter to his boyfriend, and Berwald knew he wasn't going to get another answer out of him. Instead of continuing to press, he held the Finn closer and stroked his hair again to try and calm him. Tino responded very well to the treatment, pressing closer and beaming and even half _moaning_ a little. He was absolutely attention starved, eagerly responding to anything that Berwald did to him, and Berwald felt sick with himself for breaking him into it.

"Ah love yoo, Tino." Berwald murmured to the other, trying to let him know he was paying attention to him and he was right there for him and that _it's all okay now, I will make sure it's always okay now_, and Tino just clung even more eagerly against him.

"I love you too, Berwald." Tino murmured back dazedly, nuzzling against him and pressing another kiss against his skin.

Berwald kissed the crown of Tino's hair in response, continuing to pet him and hold him while he tried to figure out what to do next. He knew he'd have to try and get Tino to talk to him about… everything… but he wasn't sure how he was supposed to approach it at all. Tino had barely been coherent enough to carry any sort of conversation last night, and now he was just saying what he thought Berwald wanted him to say which left Berwald with really not many ways to try and get to the truth.

He needed to know what all had happened for Tino's sake. He had made his decision to stay with him, forever, and so now he had to sort out… well, whatever happened back there. Clearly it meant that there were things that he didn't know about Tino, and that he needed to learn them to be a better partner. Tino deserved him to be better, especially after all of that. All of that pain and fear and hurt- Berwald never wanted him to feel that way again. Tino was his wife. He needed to take care of his wife.

"Thought we could talk today." Berwald started gently, and Tino kissed his jaw and hummed.

"…About?" He finally asked after a moment, quietly.

"…'Bout everythin' that happened-"

"_I'm sorry I'll never do it again, please don't leave me again._" Tino begged, panicking, and Berwald held him tighter to him and hushed him.

"I will never leave ya, Tino. Yer m'wife, always. But tha' means I need t'know why some things happened. I need t'know more 'bout ya so I can take care'a ya."

"…What if you don't want me anymore when I tell you?" Tino whispered, as though maybe if he spoke too loud some god would overhear him and make it so, and Berwald just took his face in his hands and kissed him long and deep before responding.

"I want you forever. I always will. I promise." Berwald assured, his breath against Tino's lips as he spoke. Tino gazed up at him quietly for a while, searching him to see if he was sincere. Berwald couldn't tell if the Finn believed him or not, though he tried to assure him with a gentle kiss to the Finn's cheek and his spare hand in his hair. That seemed to be enough for the other to shift against him with a soft sigh.

"… What things do you want to know?" Tino finally asked, still quiet and clinging to his lover. It was clear that this was not something Tino was eager to do, but he was cooperating because he knew Berwald wanted it and he didn't want to risk anything breaking again from disagreeing. It left Berwald struggling to press forward though the guilt, even though he _had_ to. In consolation he gave him another kiss in thanks before pressing on, hoping to keep Tino calm.

"Lot of things." The Swede started, lazily running his fingers across Tino's cheek while Tino snuggled against him and he decided what to say next.

"…First tha' night. Why didja want me t'choke ya?"

"I don't care about that anymore I promise, I was dumb-" The Finn insisted, starting to clam up again, and the other had to move quick to keep from losing his cooperation.

"_Tino._" Berwald cut him off, gently but firmly, adjusting his hold on the Finn's face. "Please. Why tha' night?"

Tino stared quietly back at him for a long time before responding. The gears in his head were turning, but no useful thoughts were coming to him. All he could think about was _Berwald, Berwald, Berwald, _and how perfect and handsome he was and how good his cock felt inside of him and how perfectly their lips melted together and how _meant for each other_ they were. He needed him to cope, he helped him so much more than choking ever did. Maybe he could start there?

"…I used to think it helped." Tino said, slowly, almost unsure of himself even. He had to answer Berwald, though, because he wasn't going to fuck this up again.

"Helped?" Berwald asked, trying to help him along. He stroked Tino's cheek gently, trying to reinforce that this talking was good, it was just what he wanted and Tino was doing good.

Tino just nodded though, and Berwald realized he'd need to help the Finn find his words this time. He sat up a little, pulling the Finn into his lap to face him so that they could stay face to face with each other. He kept his arms around the other's waist to let him know he was still there, right there, no matter how deep they got in the conversation, and then took a breath before trying to start again.

"Was it… sexually?" He asked, slightly awkwardly. It wasn't an unheard of fetish, as Nikolai had informed him, and even if he over-reacted way too much when it happened it really wasn't the worst thing out there when he thought about it.

To his surprise, and concern, Tino shook his head.

"It… wasn't really sexual. It just happened." The Finn tried to explain, though the way Berwald searched his eyes told him that he wasn't doing a very good job.

"… Did you do it to hurt yourself?" Berwald asked, quietly and deeply concerned, and Tino had to think about that for himself because he wasn't even entirely sure. The first time came back to mind, the first time he'd ever laid his hands on his throat, and then how it just spiraled over and over and over again and turned into this goddamn ugly mess-

"I was fourteen." He finally started, quietly. "I… I'd always known I was different. Too pretty, too girly, too soft_._ I wasn't the son that the old man wanted and well… he made that known. Whether he was yelling or hitting me, he made it known. And I guess when someone hurts you that much, you do kinda start to think you're supposed to be hurt."

Berwald's eyes widened with worry, and Tino hushed him before he could cut in with a finger to his lips.

"Shh. It's okay sweetheart, baby it's okay. That part doesn't really matter right now. I mean… maybe I was influenced from it, I guess." Tino picked up. "But this isn't about what he did. It's about me being a fuck up."

Berwald wanted to cut in, wanted to tell Tino that he wasn't a fuck up and that he was perfect and deserving of all of the love in the world, but Tino stroked the other's lips with the finger that was holding them to keep him silent. Berwald could only let him continue his explanation.

"I really did hate myself. A lot. I guess that's what I was supposed to do because of… well, all of that. But it hurt so much because I had no way to express it, and he could hit me and get over it but you can't hit yourself very well- at least, I couldn't- and I needed something _better_. Then I heard about this game from some kids at school.

"It was called the choking game- pretty self-explanatory. I guess you were supposed to play it with friends, but I never really had any because the old man was always all paranoid they were with child services or the cops. So one day, I just tried it out by myself… it was better than I ever imagined." His voice softened.

"Everything finally stopped for a minute. The screaming downstairs, the soreness from the bruises, the self loathing- it just stopped. I just wanted to hurt myself, but instead I ended up taking all the pain away and it was… just- I could finally feel okay for a minute. It was some sort of miracle, I thought. That's all it could have been… I started doing it more and more and more to get away from things. It used to help." The Finn assured, trying to smile because Berwald just looked so scared and confused and _why would you do that to yourself_ was written all over his face but that was the only way Tino could explain it. But Berwald didn't cut him off, and so Tino continued to talk because that was what he asked of him, after all.

"…My parents weren't thrilled about it. Well- the old man just didn't like the marks, mom was actually upset but she didn't know how to stop me anyway because I was already perpetually grounded and she couldn't take me anywhere because then they'd see the other bruises. They ended up just making me cover up the marks, they didn't really care how..." Tino said, tapping at the choker that hadn't left his neck for the longest time. "They never did stop me- it was all I had, and I guess they understood that on some weird, fucked up sympathetic level."

"People still talked, though. Some people at school saw the bruises before I covered them up and gossip started. I mean, they always talked whenever I got new bruises and it really shouldn't have been a big deal," _Berwald wanted nothing more than to cut him off and tell him of course it was a big deal, he should have never been hurt like that-_ "but this time the old man was freaked out enough to ship me to boarding school so that child services would just leave him the fuck alone.

"You know, I used to think it was the best thing that ever happened to me." Tino laughed a little, bitterly. "For the first time, I was able to have friends. I couldn't tell him about them, but I could see them, drink with them… have a social life I guess, like all the other kids. What I didn't know, though, is that it isn't all that great. Sometimes you can be just as lonely when you're surrounded by all of these fucking people if they don't like you for, you know, you.

"I kept hating myself. I kept choking whenever it got to be too much, or whenever I called home and had to put up with that shit again. But then… then I saw you." Tino's voice softened, his lips curving into a tender smile as he rubbed gentle circles over Berwald's lips.

"I didn't know what it was at first. I thought maybe I was just hot for you, and I figured maybe you kinda liked me that way too and we'd just… I don't know. Do what people do when it's like that." He stumbled, shaking his head. "But then this thing happened where you were so gentle and good to me, ever since you carried me to the nurse's office, and then I started just getting butterflies when I was with you and you just made me so happy… and I fell in love with you." He all but whispered.

"I guess I was a little scared." He continued, finger still pressing onto Berwald's lips. "I didn't know I could be so happy. I didn't think I deserved it, but I _wanted _to. I wanted to be happy with you. It just made everything better, and I started to let myself lean on it- need it. But old habits die hard, and I just couldn't get the peace I felt when I choked out of my head and I always kind of wondered what having it and you at the same time would be like because they both _helped_- so I thought. But I was wrong, and that was dumb, and do you know what happened when I tried it again, to try and sleep when you were gone? Nothing. Nothing happened. It didn't help- it doesn't help anymore, Berwald. It doesn't matter anymore."

Tino's voice was low, and he looked up at Berwald through his bangs to catch his eyes again. "I only felt okay when we were back together again." He smiled softly, tearing up a little. "Berwald, I need _you._ More than anything, nothing else makes me better like you do. I promise I won't ever do that again, so please… just stay with me. Let's just forget about all of that and I'll fix things."

Finally Tino stopped taking, letting his finger off of Berwald's lips, and Berwald was finally able to try and respond to all of that.

"…Thank ya fer tellin' me." Berwald said first, needing Tino to trust him and not back out of the conversation now. "Tino, thank y'."

Tino nodded.

"Anything for you." The Finn shrugged, a little numbly now. He reached out to cup Berwald's face in his hands, stroking his cheek in silent plead of _don't leave me_, and Berwald pressed their lips together and pulled him closer before responding.

"I'll never leave ya', y'know. Especially not 'ver that, _none a'that _was yer fault. Why didja think I would leave f'ya told me?" He finally asked.

"… I mean… It really doesn't matter, I just…" Tino started, sighing a little. Really all he wanted to do was keep kissing Berwald, over and over and over to make him remember how good they went together, but right now Berwald wanted this for some fucking reason and so he would keep giving him this. "I don't know. When someone tells you that you're a fuck up for so long, and they _know _you, you just kind of assume that everyone else will think so, too."

"Yer not a fuck up." Berwald was finally able to tell him, but Tino cut him off before he could respond to the rest.

"I was the result of a broken condom." Tino dead-panned, not angrily and not bitterly, just honestly.

"Doesn't make ya a fuck up."

What Tino wanted to say was _yes it does,_ but he didn't want to risk any sort of fight with Berwald and so instead he just leaned in and took another kiss. Berwald indulged him again, letting him take a few more before he picked up the conversation again.

"Yer not a fuck up. I know you, an' I know yer not. An'… an' I'm not sure where t'start with some'a this, or the right things t'say. I know tha' I hate yer dad fer hurtin' ya, an' I'm sorry."

"You can hate him all you want sweetie, I do too you know." Tino smiled, and Berwald moved a hand to play with Tino's hair.

"I jus'… tha's not right at all. Yer so perfect. N'one should treat ya like that."

Tino leaned into the hand on his head, smiling a little while he thought of a response.

"I mean… I don't know. The way he saw it I just sucked up money that he could have been using for booze and taking time with mum away. And I was kind of always a little fag I guess. I was all of his worst fears kinda."

"Yer _not _defending him." Berwald insisted, staring Tino dead in the eyes.

"No… I guess he just thought I deserved it."

"But ya didn't."

"He didn't think that."

"He was wrong."

Tino shrugged and Berwald frowned, and Tino just gave him another lazy kiss.

"I dun' wan' ya goin' back there." Berwald finally declared after the kiss.

"I don't have anywhere else to go." Tino shrugged, and Berwald shook his head.

"I'll take ya." Berwald insisted.

"Would your parents really be okay with that?" Tino asked, smiling a sad smile. It was a nice thought, at least.

"Jus' mum. She wouldn' mind. I'll even let ya' talk t'her." Berwald insisted again.

"…You're serious." Tino observed.

"I am. M'not letting ya get hurt again."

There weren't many times that Berwald put his foot down. He usually just settled, let Tino have whatever he wanted or decided was best, but this time it didn't look like that was going to happen. He didn't want to burden Berwald, he didn't want to make him have to worry about one more person under his roof, but going with him would, admittedly, be such a wonderful thing…

"…I guess we can worry about that closer to the end of the year." Tino gave in. Berwald really didn't look like he was going to cave on this.

"We'll make it happen."

There was quiet between them for a bit again, and Tino took the opportunity to steal a few more kisses. Berwald kissed back, using the hand on Tino's head to tilt the other back a bit to deepen the kisses. He needed a while to think about what he wanted to say next, and Tino probably needed some more affection.

Tino sighed happily, enjoying the feel of Berwald's tongue probing his mouth. It was so nice to feel so close to him, and he wrapped his arms around the other's neck to get more comfortable while they kissed. This was what he needed. When they parted Tino's lips were still parted, and he smiled dazedly and adoringly at his lover.

"Love you." He murmured, contentedly.

"I love yoo too." Berwald responded, taking in how beautiful Tino looked when he got all flushed and disheveled like that.

After a while more of comfortable silence, Berwald started again.

"… Would ya 'ver need t'choke again?"

"Not when I'm with you." Tino replied. "… Maybe if I was home again, and we were apart and I couldn't get to you, but… I won't do it if it makes you not want me."

"Doesn't make me not want ya." Berwald started. "It just… worries me."

"Does it creep you out?" Tino asked, a little calmer than he had been for quite a while. "I know a lot of people see it as weird and stuff."

Berwald shook his head.

"No. I only worry 'cause it hurts ya, an' I don't want ya t'hurt."

"It didn't hurt though." Tino tried to explain. "It helped."

"Left bruises. An it's dangerous."

"I'm fine though." Tino shrugged, and Berwald moved a hand to rub Tino's waist.

"But ya' coulda hurt yerself or…" Berwald trailed off, not even wanting to finish the thought. "It's dangerous. Just don't wanna risk losin' ya from it. S'why it scared me."

"Oh, baby." Tino cooed, leaning in and pressing his lips hard against Berwald's before responding. "It's okay my baby, don't be scared. You won't lose me. Oh sweetie."

Berwald leaned closer, burying his head in the crook of Tino's neck, and Tino pressed a kiss against his hair.

"… M'sorry I ran off tha' night. Wasn't th'best way to express that."

Tino swayed a little, rocking Berwald with him a bit and humming.

"I should have told you what I was doing. I just… when you were touching my neck like that I got carried away and that was wrong."

"Wasn't yer fault. Should've just told yoo I was scared of hurtin' yoo."

"I know you are. The only thing that hurts anymore is not having you, though."

"…M'sorry I hurt ya more than I woulda 'f I actually… hurt ya."

"Just don't ever leave me again." Tino murmured.

"I won't. Promise, I won't ever. But'm still sorry."

"…I'm not mad at you." Tino started. "I'm not upset at you either. It just hurt a lot and I think I'll have a hard time coping… and I just need you to help me cope."

The best thing Berwald could think to do was lean in and capture Tino's lips again, needy now to be close, and Tino let him kiss him over, and over, and over again, just soaking up the attention. He could feel himself getting light off of the kissing, and he let himself drift deeper into the sensation.

"…Do they still hurt?" Berwald asked quietly after some more kissing, and Tino just hummed a little while he tried to bring himself back to being coherent.

"Does what hurt?"

"…Bruises." He asked, lowly, and Tino just hummed again.

"I don't really notice them anymore." Tino shrugged, and it was a good enough answer in his opinion but he could tell from the way that Berwald was searching his eyes that that he needed to know more to be satisfied.

"Ber?" Tino asked, quietly.

"Hm?" Berwald hummed now, and Tino reached a hand up to stroke his hair.

"…I can show you them, if you want." He offered, quietly, not sure if he was ready but not wanting to risk disappointing him anymore.

"… Would you?" Berwald asked, after a moment.

"Anything for you. You said you needed to know."

Berwald nodded, slowly, and Tino leaned in for one more kiss as though he could somehow draw the strength he needed from it.

"I love you. I love you more than anything." He whispered, hands moving to the choker against his neck, to the buckle, and then to the strap that hid his skin for so long that he sometimes forgot it was even there.

"I love you, too. More'n anythin'." Berwald whispered back, and at that Tino closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath as he undid the fucking thing quick as he could before he lost his nerve. He let it fall behind him on the sheets, swallowing nervously and opening his now glassy eyes to let himself be fully, fully bared to Berwald for the first time.

Berwald did not flinch away, he did not grimace, he did not look like he was going to be sick at the sight of his black and purple and yellowing skin- no, Berwald leaned in and _kissed him,_ right over all of his bruises. And then again. And then again. And then over, and over, and over again, over every single bit of bruise, ravenously and desperately as though it were something worth wanting, and Tino could feel the sobs bubbling up in his throat because what good thing had he ever done to earn something as wonderful as this-

"_You_ are _perfect_." Berwald whispered against Tino's skin, and that was what finally made Tino break down, tightening his hold on Berwald as he held on for dear life.

"_Oh god Berwald!_" Tino cried as the Swede kissed him, his sobs shaking his tiny frame. "_Oh god, oh Berwald how are you so perfect how do you love me why do you love me please never stop loving me-"_

"I will never stop." Berwald whispered against the bruises. "I will love you forever. Every inch a'you. All this, too. I love you, Tino. You."

And Tino just cried and cried, mumbling thank you's in between the tears, and Berwald just kissed, and kissed, and kissed, all the way until Tino's sobs finally slowed a little.

"…You're beautiful." Berwald finally offered, still with his lips pressed to Tino's neck, and Tino smiled a shaky smile.

"My god Berwald. How did I ever get lucky enough to end up with you?" He asked, shakily, a sob breaking loose, and Berwald hushed him and gave another kiss.

"Because you're th'one I was meant t'be with." Berwald declared, not leaving much room for debate, and Tino took a jittery breath in.

"Thank god for that, oh… oh god Berwald. You're so good to me, I… oh…."

"Are y'okay?" Berwald asked, rubbing Tino's back to try and soothe him.

"I… I don't know." Tino murmured, trying to keep his voice from cracking with another sob that would worry Berwald. "I… I'm so relieved. I'm so, so grateful. I'm also confused. I'm still reeling. I… I'm a lot of things, and I'm better than I've been but my head is still spinning… I guess sea sick is a good way to try and describe it all." He chuckled, not even sure where he found it in himself to laugh. It was a tired, confused, laugh, and Berwald blamed himself for tiring his lover out like that and went back to kissing him in compensation.

"…Let me try t'help ya feel better. Tell me what t'do." Berwald finally murmured between kisses, and Tino hummed in appreciation.

"Love me." He begged softly, and Berwald shifted to catch his eyes.

"I do. Tino, I will love you and need you and cherish you always."

"And I am so grateful, because I have never needed anything more than I needed that…. but I also meant _love me._" Tino stressed, moving his hand to grope at Berwald's cock. He started to rub and press at the length, smiling a little bit as he did, and the Swede couldn't help but moan a low moan as he felt his cock twitching to life in the Finn's hands.

"Will tha' help ?" Berwald asked, honestly wondering, because he would never turn down a chance to be as connected as possible with Tino but Tino probably already felt naked enough and what if he was scared and just saying things again-

"Yes." Tino replied, certainty in his tone, and all of Berwald's doubts from the past moment were pushed aside as Tino caught his lips and continued to touch him. Berwald couldn't help but moan again, this time into the kiss, and the next many kisses, and he could feel himself getting more and more desperate for the touches the longer Tino kissed him and stroked him-

"You know… there are things I wanted to know about you too." Tino murmured, shifting so that he was between Berwald's legs, his face at Berwald's cock as he freed it from his boxers.

"Hn- like what?" Berwald asked, panting heavily.

"Like… what you think about when I do this. What you think about when you call me wife. What you _like_." Tino drawled, pressing a kiss against the base of the cock. Berwald had to catch his breath before he could respond.

"Hn… like everythin' ya do when we do this…" Berwald panted.

"I know there's more you like, sweetie." Tino pressed, dragging his tongue across the slit of the shaft. "You started to tell me last night. Darling, tell me all about it. I want to be good for you."

"Nnn- hah…" Berwald gasped, trying to catch his breath enough to speak. "Ya are good…"

At that Tino sat up a little, still gripping Berwald's cock but meeting his eyes.

"Berwald. Please." He started, quietly. "Let me be better for you. Tell me what you like."

"Like _you_. Love you. Yer perfect." Berwald insisted. Tino shook his head a little.

"I know there's things you fantasize about. Please, let me do them."

"Ya let me call ya wife." Ber pointed out, sighing a little as his length throbbed impatiently. Tino gave it gentle stroke, trying to soothe the ache.

"Because I am your wife, sweetie. But I know calling me that's not all you like." He replied, still stroking.

"Hnn- all that was tha' important." Berwald responded, gasping at the touches still.

"Berwald." Tino started again, gently. "_Please_. Let me do this. I want to."

"…Why?" Berwald finally asked, giving the Finn a chance to explain.

"Because I need you. Because making you feel good," he explained, squeezing at the Swede's shaft again "is what helps me. I need to do this, Berwald. Please. I'm trying…" He trailed off. "…I need you, Berwald. And I need to..."

He could see the sincerity and the need in Tino's gaze, and the understanding came to him that this really was going to be Tino's new way of coping. Slowly he nodded, taking a breath before starting to speak.

"…Like thinking 'bout yoo all dolled up." He started, awkwardly, shy about his fantasies. Tino smiled, pleased with the compliance, and moved his head back to the aching member.

"Yeah?" He asked encouragingly, kissing the tip.

"Mmhm- aah…" Berwald moaned.

"Tell me about what you'd want me to wear, baby." He prodded, nuzzling at the shaft, and he could feel Berwald's breath hitching.

"Hn… jus' pretty things…" He murmured.

"Like?" Tino asked, opening his mouth and taking the tip in, licking at it.

"_Knulla-_ nn, dresses… aprons…" The Swede started, and Tino could feel him getting harder on his tongue while he said it. It made him hum in appreciation. He started to bob his head slowly over the length, and Berwald gasped and moaned and pressed closer to the Finn's perfect mouth. Tino wasn't about to let Berwald stop there, though, and he took his mouth off of the cock momentarily to get Berwald to keep talking.

"Yeah? What else darling? Do you like panties? Lingerie?" He asked, and Berwald moaned and nodded.

"Yes… d'love to see ya in some… both…" he mumbled, face red, and Tino smiled and rewarded him with a hard suck to the base of his cock.

"Good sweetie." He praised. "We can get some darling, and I'll be nice and pretty for you. And dresses, you said? Pretty ones that fit the waist nice? Ones that have skirts that are easy to lift up and see panties under?" Tino asked sweetly, and Berwald moaned again. Fuck. Tino was good at talking dirty.

"Yes…" Berwald gasped shakily, and Tino kissed the tip again.

"Keep talking, sweetie." Tino directed, before taking the head of the Swede's cock in his mouth again.

"Hu-ah…" Berwald groaned, pressing closer to the Finn's mouth again. Tino took his length deeper into his mouth quicker this time, and the Swede reminded himself that he needed to speak to keep Tino working on his cock.

"Hn… yer so pretty… so beautiful…" He started, between heavy breaths. "Hn- ya'd just look so perfect all prettied up… hn, dress… 'n panties…" he blushed, the words foreign to his tongue. He'd never admitted this to anyone before. He reached a hand to twist into Tino's hair, admiring the softness. "Maybe 'd play with yer hair…"

Tino moved his mouth off of the length momentarily again, kissing it wetly before responding.

"Good boy. Good husband. Curl it, maybe?" Tino offered to his fantasizing, then leaned back down and took the cock back in his mouth.

Berwald nodded frantically, moaning again.

"Hn… yeah… it'd be so pretty… then I'd hafta touch ya…"

Tino nodded on his dick, humming in agreement before pulling off.

"How would you touch me?" He whispered, breathlessly, eagerly, stroking the length vigorously now that he'd removed his lips. He was starting to become aroused by the idea himself. He could get used to it, he was sure. It made Berwald so happy, surely he could learn to love it too. He was already starting too, with the way it pleased his darling so much.

"Uhn… I'd grab yer waist and make ya' come close." He mumbled, starting to get a little bolder with his thoughts. "I'd hafta touch yer hair, yer pretty face, yer lips… yer hips… I'd lift up yer skirt, look at yer panties. Then I'd hafta pull 'em down a bit."

"_Oh god-_" Tino gasped a little, rubbing his own hardening cock against the sheets. It would make him vulnerable, and maybe be a little humiliating… but it made Berwald so _happy,_ so enthusiastic to touch him. That made him want it a little more. "Yeah?"

"Ja." Berwald agreed. "Ya' could get over m'lap so I could finger you. Yer always so tight, so I'd need t'loosen ya' fer m'cock, wife." He panted, starting to get into it.

"_Oh._" Tino shivered, licking his lips. He had never seen Berwald so eager. "What if we did that part now?" He asked, breathy, eyes glazed over with lust.

"Get over m'lap." Berwald told him, softly, and Tino shifted to do so eagerly, presenting his ass ever-willingly to the other.

"I want you." He whined. "_Husband_, please."

That made it impossible for Berwald to hold back. He took his fingers and put them at the Finn's lips, pressing them in.

"Suck." He demanded, breath shaky. Tino complied easily, sucking and coating them with a generous amount of saliva. It was lucky he was quick, because after only moments Berwald pulled the fingers out of his mouth and pressed the middle one at his tight, puckered hole.

"Oh…" Tino whimpered, spreading his thighs apart a bit more and pressing closer, and at that Berwald shoved the digit in all the way up to the knuckle and earned a small cry from the Finn.

"Nn!" He squealed, hole clenching onto the thick intrusion, and Berwald wormed the finger around roughly. He watched the hole try to accommodate his finger, and his length throbbed hard as he did. He continued to prod, groaning when Tino whined as he brushed against a particularly sensitive bundle of nerves.

"Yer m'wife." Berwald panted, starting to thrust the finger. "My pretty wife."

"Yes!" Tino cried out, tearing up in pleasure, letting his hole be prodded around in. He continued to lay where he was and take the fingering, only squirming a little to rub his length against Berwald's lap.

"Hn- ya like this." Berwald panted, and Tino nodded frantically. Unable to resist any longer, Berwald pressed another finger inside and Tino whimpered and mewled desperately.

"_Yes yes yes yes yes."_ The Finn moaned, panting and still rubbing himself against Berwald's lap. "Berwald please I- _oh_- soon…"

Understanding that his lover wasn't going to last much longer, Berwald pulled his fingers out and flipped Tino so that he was laying with his back against the bed. Tino stared up at him, dazed, and Berwald leaned in and kissed him possessively as he lined his cock up at his hole.

"Wanted t'see yer face when I make y'cum." Berwald whispered huskily against Tino's lips, and Tino nodded eagerly and opened his legs wider. That was all the invitation that Berwald needed to push inside of him, grunting at the tight heat and starting to thrust in desperately.

"Oh- oh _fuck!_" Tino moaned, toes curling. He wanted to cling, but Berwald did say he wanted to see his face and so he reached out for a hand to hold. Berwald leaned down and pressed a kiss against his cheek, linking his fingers through the Finn's and pinning him against the mattress while he thrust in desperately, his lover a moaning, whimpering mess under him.

"Please, please, please-" Tino panted, clenching while his thighs twitched, and Berwald continued to thrust and shifted to gaze down at the other's pretty face while he fucked him.

"Yer so beautiful." He murmured, though the words may have gotten lost in the sea of moans and cries coming from the other's lips. Instead he decided to communicate it through more kisses all over the Fin's neck, stealing glances up at his perfect, pretty face inbetween.

It didn't take either of them long to finish.

Berwald came first, filling the Finn up with his seed and groaning Tino's name all while he did. Through the haze he managed to keep thrusting vigorously into the other, and not too long after Tino was finally able to climax. The orgasm came in waves, and he rode it out with wet, swollen lips and fluttery eyelashes as he gazed up at his love. Berwald almost got hard all over again from the precious face that Tino made when he came, but the exhaustion from his own orgasm soon overcame him. He pulled out with a grunt and fell onto the sheets next to his lover, pulling him close against him and pressing a kiss onto the crown of his hair.

"That… was really good." Tino said after they both caught their breath. It was a gross understatement, but he couldn't be bothered to root through his brain for better adjectives at the moment.

"Ja." Berwald agreed, rubbing Tino's back lazily as he held him close.

"…Thank you." Tino said softly after a minute, and Berwald glanced down at him.

"I should be tellin' you that."

"No. Really, thank you. Berwald… do you know how much you do for me?" Tino asked, and Berwald lazily ran a hand over his waist.

"Hope a lot. Y'deserve so much."

"More than a lot. More than so much." Tino insisted, leaning up and pecking Berwald on the lips. "So much more than anything you could ever know. You make everything so, so good."

"…Do I make ya' that happy?" Berwald asked softly, pulling Tino into a lazy cuddle against the pillows. Tino nodded, cuddling closer to him.

"You do." He murmured, collapsed against him.

"…Glad we're on the same page." The Swede finally hummed, and Tino nodded and nuzzled onto him.

"We still have lot t'talk about."

"I know. Just… I want to stay like this." The Finn cuddled against his lover more, earning him a peck on the cheek.

"This?" The other murmured.

"Good. Secure. With you." Tino explained. "I want our life together. I will do whatever you want, just… I want this." He gestured with his hand, having given up on words with his head still spinning from the talking and the kissing and the cumming.

"Want this, too. We'll keep it." Berwald assured. "Talking'll help."

"…promise?"

"Promise."

And at that the Finnish teen was too tired to bring anymore words from his lips, and again he settled against his lover for some more much needed sleep while Berwald lay awake holding him swearing to himself that he'd find ways to make the rest of Tino's life better than what he'd had to suffer already.

* * *

><p>Author's note: I have no excuses as to why this is late. I'd love to say I'd get better, but that may be a lie. But one thing I know is the truth is that this story has always been a source of solace for me in these hard times that life can bring, and I only hope it offers something to all of you out there, too. Thank you for everyone who has continued to leave reviews and waited to see this baby update. You're all wonderful. I'm quite terrible at this, but this piece means more to me than you could ever know and I hope you're all still enjoying it, too. Reviews have always been so well loved.<p> 


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